Source of this article: "How to Understand My Wife's Brain Circuit" China Friendship Publishing Company 2023-06 Publishing
Guide
❍ Why is there always friction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?
❍ Why is the wife always dissatisfied with her husband not doing housework?
❍ Why is a wife's emotions more likely to be ignited by small things?
The human female brain has evolved over millions of years and has the ability to "respond to new problems and mobilize all the memories of life to arrive at answers in an instant."
Men who have a better understanding of the structure and mechanisms of the female brain are better able to improve their relationships.
If you want to understand the brain structure of men, please click to review the article "How to understand your husband's brain circuits".
——cinian——
Ihoko Kurikawa
Artificial intelligence researcher, emotional analyst
Brain science experts who have improved the relationships of hundreds of thousands of couples in Japan
He is the author of "Communication Pressure" and "Human Instruction Manual".
01
The wife is pregnant or breastfeeding,
Don't leave her with too many painful memories
▲ 图片来源:Charlotteb Ager
Compared to most other mammals, women produce a small number of offspring at a time and always have "new problems" in parenting.
As a result, after millions of years of evolution, the human female brain has "the ability to respond to new problems and mobilize all the memories of life to arrive at answers in an instant."
For example, if a child suddenly has a high fever at night, the woman will recall the same fever and conclude that "the body temperature is very high and her face is pale, which is completely different from the previous situation, and she should call an ambulance", and she will confirm her current condition.
Women not only recall similar situations that have happened to their children before, but also mobilize the experiences they have gained from communicating with other mothers, as well as their own memories of childhood, and then judge how they should respond to the current situation now.
In other words, a woman's brain is a brain that can instantly recall relevant memories from the past and use them to solve the problem at hand.
In particular, the experience and memory of dangerous situations such as fear, pain, and sadness are most likely to form negative switches during pregnancy and lactation, as an important information to protect the child.
Therefore, the words and deeds of the husband who caused harm to his wife during this period will become painful memories and scars for the wife's life, and will be mentioned repeatedly by the wife and will never be forgotten.
At this time, the husband should put away his masculinity and communicate with his wife as a female friend. The specific method is to give the "whining or small discovery" as a gift to the other party, and fully express empathy when the other party "chats" to relieve the pressure of the other party.
It can be difficult for men to offer their own topics, so start by showing empathy.
When the wife is breastfeeding, the husband must "avoid lightning"
For example, when the husband got home, the wife said, "×× (the child's name) refused to sleep and cried, so I could only hold it all the time, and my waist was about to break." ”
At this time, how should the husband answer?
All the husband has to do is say "uh-huh, I know" or "Oops, it's so hard" and listen to his wife's complaints.
The husband should pay attention to some "stepping on thunder" words, and when the wife complains because of the hard work of housework and childcare, you say:
"I'm working harder than you!"
"Didn't I help you?"
The husband may not have thought that much when he said these words, but it is a great harm to the wife who risked her life to have a child.
The wife lost her temper because she was hurt now. Whether she's talking about what happened a week ago or 30 years ago, my wife is losing her temper because she now feels hurt.
Therefore, the correct solution is to apologize sincerely, and there is no other way.
To soothe your wife's negative emotions during pregnancy and breastfeeding, it's best to do so when both of you are emotionally stable. For example, when relatives and friends give birth, or when they see a production scene in a TV series, the husband sincerely says to his wife: "Giving birth to a child is really a very hard thing." When you gave birth to ×× (the child's name), you also suffered a lot, and it was really hard for you. ”
I hope that male friends can keep this in mind and get through the difficulties of pregnancy and lactation with their wives.
02
When there is a difference of opinion, use interests to persuade the other party
▲ 图片来源:Charlotteb Ager
Even a couple with completely different personalities must agree when facing family issues such as children's education, personal contacts, buying a house and a car, etc. If the two are always divided and do not give in to each other, it is very likely that a quarrel will break out in the end.
At this time, how can you solve the problem without turning on the negative switch of your wife? Men may want to think about what they do best: "business analysis".
◎ The advantages and disadvantages of the proposals of both parties are listed.
◎ Actual investigation and verification.
◎ Don't try to cover up your weaknesses with your strengths, you should tell the other person what benefits you can gain by doing so.
◎ Draw conclusions based on the above.
For example, when the couple goes out together on a day off, and when it's time to eat, the wife says she wants to eat pasta, and the husband wants to eat soba.
Instead of emphasizing the disadvantages of pasta such as "too much oil" and "being easy to get fat", the husband should emphasize the advantages that make the other person feel happy, such as "the new flavor of soba at this restaurant can only be eaten at this time" and "there are delicious side dishes that go well with your favorite sake", so that it is easier to get the approval of the wife.
If you want your proposal to be accepted by your wife, you must not forget to use business analysis to communicate with her.
03
The key to easing the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law lies in the husband
▲ 图片来源:Charlotteb Ager
For men, there is an invisible and invisible problem, and that is the problem of female relationships within the family.
The female brain is able to fully perceive space within a radius of 3 meters and dominate unconsciously. If you can't control the space the way you want it, women will feel uneasy because they are "out of control" and stress will develop.
The reason why there is friction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is because of the conflict between the two sides over the "control of the territory". An excellent wife who knows every part of the kitchen and living room inside out and has complete control over them unconsciously.
If something she has placed on her own changes position, or if her accustomed path of movement is blocked, it can make her feel anxious. Sometimes, wives don't even allow their husbands to enter their territory without permission.
The more excellent the daughter-in-law, the more she will bring her own rules to her husband's house, and the mother-in-law is unbearable for this. But if the daughter-in-law doesn't do anything, the mother-in-law will also be dissatisfied.
A wise daughter-in-law will cautiously enter the territory of her mother-in-law and naturally add to the common rules of the two. The smart mother-in-law can recall the hard work she had when she was a daughter-in-law, so she tolerates her daughter-in-law.
In short, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law tests the wisdom and attitude of both parties.
As a husband, you should never lecture your wife with words like "the key is mutual understanding". Because those who can't see the territory of women have no say. However, it is precisely because the territory of women cannot be seen that the husband can become the key to easing the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
For a wife who needs to go to work like her husband, she prefers to be able to spend a precious vacation leisurely without being influenced by her elders. The parents' home, where the husband can completely relax and unwind, is a more stressful place for the wife than the workplace.
Therefore, before a husband takes his wife back to his parents' house, it is best to say hello to his parents in advance: "×× usually have to go to work and do housework very hard, so let her have a good rest when she comes to our house this time." Treat her as if she were your own daughter. ”
The tension between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can sometimes be eased with just one sentence, but that sentence cannot come out of the daughter-in-law's mouth. If the mother (mother-in-law) does not say it, then it must be said by the son (husband).
04
Nameless housework makes the wife tired to cope,
Husbands need to be understanding and comforted
▲ 图片来源:Charlotteb Ager
There is a washing machine for washing clothes, a sweeping robot for sweeping, and a dishwasher for washing dishes, and many husbands may now think that "there is nothing difficult about doing housework".
However, in addition to "named chores" such as cooking, washing clothes, sweeping floors, cleaning windows, and throwing out garbage, there are many "nameless chores" that husbands who "can't see housework in their eyes" are almost completely unaware of.
For example, "throwing garbage", which is at the top of the list of "husband's housework", generally refers to taking the garbage that has been packed in a garbage bag to the garbage dump and throwing it away. But in fact, there is a series of processes involved in packing garbage into garbage bags, throwing them away, and then replacing them with new ones.
(1) Prepare multiple sorting bins according to the garbage sorting method, and then put the sorted garbage cans in a suitable place according to the living habits of the family.
(2) Prepare the corresponding garbage bags according to the garbage classification.
(3) Remember the disposal time of sorted garbage.
(4) Separate the garbage and put it into the corresponding garbage bag.
(5) Check whether private garbage can be seen from the outside.
(6) Check whether the garbage bag is broken and whether it will stain your hands.
(7) Tie the mouth of the garbage bag tightly to ensure that the garbage does not fall out.
(8) Take the garbage bag to the dump.
(9) If the trash can is dirty, it needs to be cleaned up in time.
(10) Replace the trash can with a new garbage bag.
For the vast majority of husbands, there is only one step in the housework, "throwing out the trash".
But for the wife, there are 9 other steps. Further, in the item of garbage separation, it is necessary to carefully separate the garbage into kitchen waste, combustible garbage, non-combustible garbage, recyclable garbage, and recyclable garbage, including cans, beverage bottles (separate separation of bottle caps, tear off the label on the bottle), newspapers, magazines, cartons, Tetra Paks, cloths, etc. Recyclable garbage also needs to be washed, flattened, and bundled.
Always pay attention to the use of seasonings and daily necessities, replace them in time before they run out and ensure that the stock is sufficient, these nameless chores are also done silently by the wife.
In addition to this, the wives often "do housework by the way" every day. On the way to the toilet, take the water glass that was placed on the table in the living room back to the kitchen, wipe the mirror when brushing your teeth, and wipe the shoes in the entrance before going out or after returning home......
If I were to list all the chores that I did by the way, I am afraid that it would take a lot of space to write.
If you run out of seasonings and daily necessities, the husband will just say with confidence: "Wife, the sauce is gone, and the day before yesterday is gone." ”
The wife is angry that the husband has found out about these nameless chores (which he didn't actually know), but thinks that these things should be done by his wife. Even if the wife knows that her husband can't see these chores, she can still feel very angry.
In short, the wife was overwhelmed by these nameless housework that could never be done, and her heart was full of despair.
From a brain science perspective, if men's brains are required to be at the same level as women's brains when it comes to housework, men will feel more than three times as much stress as women. The male brain thinks about the sequence of actions much shorter than the female brain.
For example, the male brain can only think about the sequence of actions of "go to the toilet, be convenient, and come out", and the action of sending the water cup to the kitchen is only "pick up the water cup, send it to the kitchen, and come back". If the wife says to her husband, "When you do this, you did that and that thing by the way," it will cause a lot of pressure on the husband. Of course, it may be difficult for the wife to understand this.
Because men's brains are structurally incapable of handling nameless chores at all, it is almost impossible to get a husband to help his wife fight the nameless housework together.
But in order to prevent the wife's accumulated anger from exploding on a particular day, the husband should try to appease his wife every day.
Sympathize with the hard work of the wife's housework
For example, in the summer, when my wife is cooking noodles in the kitchen at noon, you can say to her, "It's hard for you to cook in the kitchen on such a hot day." ”
When you go shopping together on your day off, you can say, "If you have a child, it's so inconvenient to even take a carton of milk." It's hard work for you to always be alone with your children. ”
Even if my wife doesn't do anything, she can comfort her and say, "I feel at ease that you are always by my side with a smile on your face." ”
In short, to reassure her and thank her.
If you want to make yourself a better husband, try to perceive the existence of "nameless housework". Ensuring that the stock of cat litter is sufficient, ensuring that there is always water in the ice maker in the refrigerator, and putting food that needs to be refrigerated on the table is immediately put away in the refrigerator are all nameless chores that the husband can do.
The wife would be very happy to find out that the husband had noticed the "nameless housework" and understood his hardship, and would have been overjoyed if the husband could still help with some of the burden.
Here are some of the nameless chores that husbands can also do:
◎ Buy rice.
◎ Buy cat litter.
◎ Make sure that there is water in the ice maker of the refrigerator at all times.
◎ Buy coffee (hobby items like coffee are easy to run out of stock, and the wife can be much easier if you have a husband to help you think about it).
◎ 每周在厕所里喷一遍防霉药。
◎ Feed and water your pet every morning.
◎ Water the plants on the balcony every morning.
◎ Keep the mirror of the sink clean.
◎ Barbecue.
◎ Boiled noodles.
◎ Brew coffee.
◎ Wash the rice before going to bed and put it in the rice cooker to set the time (this can solve a big event the next morning, which is very helpful for the wife).
Being able to discover the nameless chores that are unique to your family and take on them is the best result!
05
Increase the number of times your wife turns on the positive switch
▲ 图片来源:Charlotteb Ager
A woman's brain is constantly recalling not only negative memories, but also positive memories. Precious memories and happy words can be remembered by women for a lifetime.
As a husband, if you want to run the family smoothly, which is the biggest project in your life, you must always pay attention to the number of times your wife turns on the positive switch as much as possible. And the timing of turning on the positive switch is also crucial, as long as the timing is right, even the negative switch can be turned into a positive switch.
For the vast majority of husbands, anniversaries such as wedding anniversaries and birthdays are just "days to celebrate, buy some gifts."
If it is an important day such as the 10th or 50th anniversary of marriage, the husband may also feel "It's been so long", but on an anniversary such as the 12th year of marriage, the husband doesn't have any special thoughts.
For the female brain, which values the process more, the anniversary is the perfect time to pull out all the beads of memory. Therefore, whether it is a positive or negative memory that is pulled out on this day will determine the wife's evaluation of married life.
If the wife recalls all the bad things about her married life, then she will feel that the marriage is a failure, but if she recalls all the good things, then she will feel that the marriage is a success.
As long as the wife feels that her husband loves her on such important occasions as wedding anniversaries and birthdays, the wife will naturally recall "happy memories so far", but if the husband makes his wife feel left out, then the wife will remember "all the things that she used to feel angry and sad about."
There are two ways to make your wife happier memories on her anniversary.
The first way is to tell your wife about your plans to celebrate in advance.
Let your wife know at least a month in advance about next month's wedding anniversary, and you'll be going to that Italian restaurant full of fond memories together.
The key is to give your wife time to prepare in advance. This is because after the husband tells his wife about his plan, the wife will use the time between now and the anniversary to fully enjoy the pleasure of anticipation, which is also one of the characteristics of the female brain.
Women's brains accumulate emotions over time, so they love this time of anticipation. During this time, my wife recalls "an Italian restaurant full of fond memories" and imagines the day of the anniversary.
Some wives will also go shopping when they have time to choose a suitable dress for themselves, then find shoes that can match the skirt and wipe them clean, go to the beauty salon a few days before the anniversary to do a maintenance, take out the bag that they are usually reluctant to carry, do nail art, and so on.
The second way to make anniversaries more effective is to remember.
On the day of the anniversary, the husband must reminisce with his wife.
"Do you remember that we had this experience before...... And that thing...... Thank you so much for being with me until now. We will continue to be together in the future. ”
For a wife, there is nothing happier for her husband to be able to understand what she has been trying to do and to be willing to reminisce with her.
06
Good at using mobile phones to send messages
▲ 图片来源:Charlotteb Ager
For some men, saying thank you to their wives is not possible anyway. Especially since I haven't talked to my wife for a long time, I don't know what to say, and the husband and wife don't have a common topic. In this case, it is very effective to use SMS and communication apps as a means of communication.
The wife happily (perhaps) sent a message like this: "I had cold noodles at noon today. ”
After the husband saw the news, he must have been unclear, and of course he didn't know how to reply.
In fact, this is a message sent by the wife using the "communication line of the heart", and it is only natural that the husband who has only opened the "communication line of fact" cannot understand it. Translated, it means:
"It's hot today, have you had a good lunch? I remembered you right away. The message the wife wants to convey is, "I'm always thinking about you. ”
Therefore, the husband only needs to tell his wife what is actually happening on his side. For example: "I'm sweating profusely and eating curry pork chop rice." ”
It's also a good time to send messages when you're on a business trip, and husbands can also try to take the initiative to send this kind of "daily message" to their wives. For example, on the Shinkansen returning from a business trip, send "I just passed through Odawara. The car was full of people." The content of this message is entirely the "facts" that the male brain does best.
But when the female brain sees this message, it will interpret it as: "It's past Odawara and I'll be home soon." I'm tired from traveling for so many days, and I really want to see you sooner. ”
You can also take a picture of the clouds in the sky through the car window and send it to your wife. The wife who receives the message will also look up at the sky and interpret her husband's message as "I'm missing you right now."
No matter what, as long as I can convey the feeling of "I miss you everywhere" to my wife, it will be considered a success.
Of course, this is just a strategy, and you don't really need to think about your wife all the time while you work. All you need to do is send a message to your wife when you have free time, such as when you are in the car, at lunch, or when you have a break from work.
If you really don't know what to reply, repeat the other party's message The message sent by the wife makes people not know how to reply, for example, the wife sent a message saying "I waited for a long time and there was no bus", you can reply "The bus to ×× place is always late, thank you". If your wife sends a message saying, "It's raining, it's annoying," you can reply with "It's raining!" Be careful on the road".
Just repeat what your wife says like this. Because for a woman's brain, it's this resonance that counts.
- END -
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