There are more and more depressed children: these 5 sentences, I'd rather rot in the stomach than say it to the child

New Oriental Family Education

2024-05-20 11:26Posted in Beijing, creator in the field of parenting

Author: The main creative group, Little Tomato

The other day, I went to the hospital to prescribe medicine to my daughter who had a fever.

When I passed by the child psychiatric department, I saw such a scene:

A mother and son came out of it, the boy was obviously in a bad mood and walked forward with his head down, but his mother kept chattering on the side:

Did you hear what the doctor said? day by day absent-minded;

Other people's children are fine, why are you so wrong?

Don't think that if you are depressed, you can find an excuse not to study, go back at night and hurry up to do your homework!

The boy walked forward silently, without saying a word, as if he had long been numb to such words.

I remember that Lin Hong, a child psychiatrist, said in an interview with Sanlian Life Weekly:

More than a month after the start of the school year, the child psychiatric department of Peking University Sixth Hospital was overcrowded.

Hearing this mother and son, I understand a little bit why good children are depressed.

Dr. Marshall Luxemburg said this in his book "Nonviolent Communication":

We may not think of our way of talking as "violent," but our language does often cause pain for ourselves and others.

Children are often depressed because of these few mantras from their parents.

"Why don't you XX?"

On Zhihu, there is a question: "Why are psychiatrists reluctant to deal with young depressed patients?" ”

There is a high praise answer that is particularly heart-wrenching:

Go to the registration hall next door to the Third Hospital of Beijing Medical University for half a day.

"Why don't you plug in the card?"

"Get the money out"

"The card is not corrected"

"Why are you folding the receipt?"

"Put your clothes and hats straight."

"It's all said XXX"

"Why don't you XXX?"

These sentences are common, but I saw 4 families almost in the morning whose children were greeted with a "guidance" for every action.

Every action is spoken, and it's all the kind of little things that don't matter right or wrong.

I remembered that there was a hot topic on Weibo before, called "A bad family always consumes children in small things." ”

How small is it?

Even if the shoes are placed in the wrong place, a piece of meat is lost during a meal, a stain is on the clothes, and a word is written incorrectly...... Parents have to find fault with their children and tell their children a bunch of big truths.

The most terrible thing about a family is like this-

The child's negligence is negligible, but the parents always hold on to it, chattering, even if it is a small matter, they feel that he is making a mistake.

Children who grow up in this environment tend to be exhausted, walk on thin ice, and live a miserable and depressed life.

But the family should be a place for people to relax and heal, not a place for people to be nervous.

The greatest sense of relaxation in a home is to give children enough tolerance, allow children to make mistakes, and be free to do what they want.

"Why are you so stupid?"

One teacher recounted:

She has a female student who is usually very smart and has good grades, but she never raises her hand to speak in class.

To encourage the girls, she suggested to the mothers of the students that they could give their children some opportunities to exercise.

Unexpectedly, as soon as she opened her mouth, the girl's mother began to complain in front of her daughter:

"She has been like this lifeless death since she was a child, she can't stand in front of the stage at all, and it's embarrassing to go up......"

The girl looked at her mother, and the starlight in her eyes suddenly dimmed......

It turns out that this is the real reason why she never takes the initiative to raise her hand: there is a mother who often belittles and hits her, and it is difficult for her to develop self-confidence.

Zheng Yuanjie said that the essence of human nature is the desire for appreciation, and children are especially eager to appreciate, appreciation can make children grow into towering trees, and belittling can make children wither and deform.

If a child is belittled a lot, his heart will be unbalanced, and he will constantly deny himself, question himself, and form an inward attack.

In psychology, there is a very famous picture:

If you only look at the black part, you will see demons, and if you only look at the white part, you will see angels.

In fact, parents treat their children the same way, and they usually communicate with their children, so you might as well change your perspective:

Replace derogatory statements such as "stupid", "lazy", and "pig's brain" with:

"It's okay, you're already amazing!" "You've worked hard all this time!" "You're awesome, you've improved a lot from last time" and other positive feedback.

Praise the child more and affirm the child, so that the child can be sunny and confident, and make progress faster and faster.

"It's not easy for parents to raise you"

watched a video in which the father painstakingly taught his daughter:

"Dad only slept four hours in two days and ate only one meal a day;

Driving to the factory, I was reluctant to blow the air conditioner after stopping the car, so I could only go to someone else's warehouse to sleep for a short while, and then I woke up in the heat.

In the 36-degree heat, I didn't want to rest after heat stroke, I'm afraid that you will be like me in the future. ”

Every word was like a stone pressing on her daughter, and she lowered her head with guilt on her face, tears in her eyes.

I have met many parents who like to talk to their children about the hardships of life:

I work hard every day to make money, all for you;

Mom and Dad are reluctant to eat and wear, and all the good things are available to you;

Don't you study hard and be worthy of our efforts?

The original intention was to force the child to study hard by selling miserably in exchange for the child's sense of indebtedness.

In fact, the sense of dedication and sacrifice revealed in the words will make the child be coerced by guilt, full of pressure and self-blame, and have serious psychological internal friction.

In the picture book "Can You Stay at Home Without Working", there is a very warm dialogue.

The child asked, "Mom, is it because of me that you work so hard?" ”

Mom replied, "No, baby." The work is hard because the work is hard, and whoever does it will be hard. Just like lemons are sour, whoever takes a bite will feel sour. ”

Yes, the adult world is always full of all kinds of exhaustion, pressure, and helplessness.

But this has nothing to do with our children, and they should not be forced to accept the negative energy of their parents.

Stop telling your child about the hardships of life as a way to trigger your child's guilt.

The greatest kindness of parents is to create a positive, sunny and loving family atmosphere for their children.

"Why did you get this point?"

A boy scored 630 points (out of 700) in the exam, fourth in the class, and ranked in the top 20 in his grade, but he was scolded by his parents when he went home:

"It's only fourth in the class!" "You didn't study hard when you saw it!"

Extremely aggrieved, he couldn't help but quarrel with his parents, ran away from home in a fit of anger, and squatted on the side of the road alone and cried bitterly.

He couldn't figure out what he had to do to get his parents' approval.

reminds me of "Little Shede", Ziyou has been living under his mother's high expectations, and his mother's daily joys, sorrows and sorrows are almost linked to his academic performance.

Under tremendous pressure, he finally collapsed and suffered from depression.

In an airtight family environment, when grades become the only indicator of a child's excellence, he can only continue to attack himself inward, and finally suppress it into a wound.

Saw such a post before.

The mother received a message from her daughter: "Do you feel like you have a very rubbish child?" ”

My mother replied warmly: "Academic performance is not the most important thing, as long as you do your best." ”

The daughter still expressed distress, saying that if the grades were not good, there would be no job.

At this time, my mother's highlight speech appeared:

"If you have a job, you can open an afternoon tea shop, and you can go to be a housekeeper......

There are many things you can do, but the main thing is to eat well, drink well, and sleep well, and people come to this world to experience it constantly. ”

It is a child's luck to have such a mother.

Please let your child know that no matter how good or bad his grades are, you will always love him and be his strongest support.

This is the most sincere and selfless love for children.

"What do you have to be depressed about?"

I've seen such a news.

A 13-year-old boy in Guiyang suffered from severe depression and was not interested in anything.

It turned out that the boy's academic performance was quite good, and he was at the top of his class.

The mother always felt that the child was not working hard enough, and kept putting pressure on him, telling him how difficult it was for his family, and that he must be admitted to a good university to change his family, etc.

Under heavy pressure, the child's grades began to regress, and he felt extremely self-blaming in his heart, resulting in serious psychological problems.

Ironically, after his diagnosis, his mother was still chattering at his bedside:

"What are you so depressed about, we earn some money, and we spend it all for you, we are working so hard now, isn't it all for you?

How much pressure we are under day by day, you are still depressed, you are worried about me. ”

It's chilling.

The child is already depressed, and the parents' incomprehension and non-acceptance are undoubtedly worse.

When a child begins to be depressed, the most terrible thing is not the depression and pain in his heart, but the disbelief and non-acceptance from those closest to him.

In fact, every "sick" child may have sent distress signals to their parents before:

Mom, I've been feeling sick lately, and I don't want to do anything;

Mom, I'm so tired, can I not go to school tomorrow?

However, many parents not only selectively ignore their children's pain, but also say that their children are hypocritical and ignorant.

You know, depression is not a child's "vexatiousness".

It is an objective disease, and what is most needed is to face it up to and tolerate it enough.

When your child has a tendency to be depressed, give him a warm hug and tell him "I understand you" and "I've always been there".

The empathy and understanding of parents is a great encouragement for children.

The poet Angelo said:

Words are like tiny energy bullets that shoot into the realm of life that is invisible to the naked eye.

We can't see words, but they become an energy that fills our rooms, our homes, our environment, and our hearts.

In home education, the way parents speak can have a profound impact on their children.

Only by mastering positive words and giving them strength in daily communication can they help them live a more positive and happy life.

I hope that every word we say in the future can become a continuous and gentle trickle, pushing children to move forward bravely and ride the wind and waves.

Click "Watching" to encourage all parents.

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