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In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter

In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter

New Weekly

2024-05-19 16:15Published on the official account of Guangdong New Weekly

In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter

Written | The flowers are white

Edit|Felicia

There are two Weibo that have been at the top of Tangerine for a long time. One is the winter scenery of Finland that she saw on the way to pick up the courier. Walking along the snowflake-dancing path, all the way is covered in silver spruce, like a "Christmas forest" left in the world, with a simple dreamy feeling.

In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter

▲Screenshot of the orange top Weibo video

And the other is her "brainwashing post" to herself - strictly prevent negative incentives for children. This is the "positive thinking" that she and her husband learned from the local school after arriving in Finland with their two daughters: in everything, the child is rewarded for doing well; If you don't do well, there is no reward, not a point deduction or punishment.

For example, if the child doesn't sleep at night, she doesn't say, "If you don't go to wash up quickly, tonight's story will be canceled", but says: "Hurry up and wash, lie down in bed early, and I'll tell 3 stories!" ”

In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter

▲ Tangerine and daughter, courtesy of the interviewee

These are perhaps the two most important things the family has done since moving to Finland: embracing and celebrating everyday life, and making herself and her daughter better people.

Tangerine describes himself as a "blunt toucher". Selling cars and houses, leaving Beijing to study in Finland were just her momentary decisions to "slap the table", and she didn't know about the "desperate courage" in the eyes of others.

However, the sharp edge of the self on the orange is as sharp as the tip of a knife. She is well aware that everything she does is not "for the sake of the children", and that the family moving to Finland is more based on herself. She describes herself as a "lazy" person, a person who "doesn't want to put too much effort into her children's studies".

Such a "mother" may be questioned in the traditional context, but Tangerine is very frank about it: "I chose Finland just to choose an environment that suits my life." I don't think Finland is better than China, each place has its own advantages, and 'no comparison' is a very important lesson I learned in Finland. ”

Giving your child over to an education system that you like, and then being yourself better, is not in conflict with loving your daughter. In this way, in December 2020, the mother set foot on a strange land with her child.

Traveling to Finland, a mother's decision

Before heading to Finland, Tangerine had a time of war.

At that time, she had just turned 30, ran a small company in Beijing with her husband, and her eldest daughter was only a year old. But just as she was rushing into the life of a new mother, she unexpectedly found out that she was pregnant again.

When he first learned about it, Tangerine broke down and often cried in the middle of the night, all he thought about was the economic account: how much money did the two children get to go to kindergarten and how much did it cost to change houses...... After all the calculations, Tangerine felt that he would never be able to raise a second child in Beijing. But the second daughter came like this, which made the family even more upside down.

Because of childbirth, Tangerine stopped working for nearly three years, and the company's operation also came to a standstill. Just when they were hesitating whether to start a new business or work as a part-time worker, Tangerine happened to see the documentary "Childhood in a Foreign Country", and was deeply attracted by the educational atmosphere in Finland, and immediately decided: go to Finland, study abroad for adults, and go to school for children!

Because of their strong execution, before Christmas 2020, the Tangerine family really moved to Finland. At that time, her eldest daughter was 4 years old and her second daughter was 3 years old. Although Tangerine already knew something about the country before she came, she didn't expect that after she actually integrated, the local parenting concept would surprise her many times and make her constantly reflect on the mother-daughter relationship.

In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter

▲ Tangerine's two daughters, courtesy of the interviewee

For example, children in Finland are very fond of "cross-housing", which means eating and spending the night with each other's classmates. One day, Sarah, the second daughter's good friend, was coming, and Tangerine asked the other party's mother in advance: "Is Sarah allergic to any food?" What does she like to eat and what she doesn't like to eat? ”

Unexpectedly, the other party's mother replied: "Don't worry about her eating, she doesn't eat anything most of the time." ”

Tangerine was puzzled. When it came time to eat, she found that Sarah was really resistant to eating the main meal, standing at the table with a sad face, and unwilling to sit down for a long time. But as soon as he leaves the table, the child seems to be a different person, jumping up and down in an instant, and even performing a one-handed side flip.

Later, Tangerine discovers that Sarah doesn't eat nothing, she likes to eat snacks and fruits, and drinks milk like water. But she is not unhealthy because of this, she is half a head taller than her second daughter, has developed motor nerves, and has a particularly cheerful personality.

In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter

▲ Tangerine's two daughters and Sarah, the source @ is Tangerine ooooo.

This is incredible in a Chinese family. If the child does not eat the main meal and only eats snacks, the mother will often be very anxious, worried that the child will be hungry, worried about the child's teeth, worried about the child's height...... But in Finnish families, mothers are more respectful of their children's choices – if they don't want to eat, it means they don't need to eat for the time being, and each child has his own pace of growth.

Motherhood is a kind of nature, and it is also one of the constructs of the entire social civilization. In her dealings with Finnish families, Tangerine gradually discovered that when mothers don't worry about their children's eating and drinking, the relationship between mother and daughter can be more relaxed.

When the daughter seamlessly accesses the "happy education"

Finnish society and culture are also broadening the perception of oranges a little bit, for example, she has been trying to correct one thing over the years: to change the "repressive education" that Chinese families are very good at, and the almost innate concept of competition.

In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter

▲Documentary "Childhood in a Foreign Country"

For a while, the eldest daughter was learning to skate, and every day when she came home, she happily reported her progress: "Mom, I can stand up on the ice!" "I went in circles on the ice today!" "The teacher praised me, and all the classmates applauded me, and they all thought I was a 'big star' in the skating world!"

Later, one weekend, Tangerine decided to go ice skating with her daughter, wanting to see the legendary "big star". As a result, as soon as he arrived at the skating rink, Tangerine was dumbfounded: oh my God, this kid can't skate at all.

In Tangerine's eyes, her daughter just walked quickly on the ice with skates in tow, without the slightest "slippery" action. In an instant, Tangerine's Chinese education "gene" was awakened, she became anxious, and slammed at her daughter: "Daughter, it's wrong for you to do this, you have to stand up, squat half-squat, pedal with the other foot, and then slide out ......"

Tangerine couldn't help but correct her daughter's movements all the time, until she realized later that her daughter went from being excited to show her skating at first, to being impatient, and finally taking off her skates and saying "I don't want to skate again". Tangerine's mind suddenly "buzzed": what am I doing? Why do I keep correcting her mistakes? Why do I subconsciously keep asking my daughter to "learn"?

It was also at that moment that Tangerine seemed to see the embodiment of Finland's "happy education". In the eyes of the Nordics, sports are not about quickly mastering or participating in competitions and rankings, but just for fun, so the school teachers do not rush to instill skills, but work with everyone to encourage and stimulate students' interest and internal drive.

In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter

▲ Tangerine and two daughters, courtesy of the interviewee

It was almost a "brain explosion" experience, and Tangerine immediately apologized to her daughter. She came to understand that in Finnish education, there is no "competition" between people, only "differences". If a child can't learn "1+1=2" for three years, teachers and parents in Finland will not label him "stupid", but will think: "This child doesn't know '1+1=2', but does he know anything else?" ”

It also allows Tangerine to see her two daughters in a whole new way. The eldest daughter is a person with a strong personality and a strong sense of independence, and if she wants to play with her classmates, calling home is just a "notice" and hanging up without waiting for her parents' consent.

But the second daughter is different, she is a person who "puts herself very behind" and will take care of others. She has a healing power that makes everyone around her happy, and the whole class loves her. Every morning when Tangerine sends her to school, she is amazed to find her classmates lining up at the door, hugging her with open arms.

The personalities of the two daughters are very different, but Tangerine thinks they are both very good, and they don't use this to distinguish between the superior and the inferior, and often do "peacemakers" in the middle.

In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter

▲ Tangerine's two daughters, courtesy of the interviewee.

Once, my sister wanted to play alone, and she sternly refused to be a "fart", and my sister begged bitterly, but my sister was indifferent.

Tangerine envies the eldest daughter's resoluteness and thinks she is cool, but at the same time she also empathizes with the second daughter - she often sees herself in the second daughter, because she is also the "second child" in the family, and she begged her brother like this when she was a child.

At first, Tangerine will try to "seduce" her sister with candy and toys, hoping that her sister will take her sister with her. When her "hot face" was also "pasted with a cold ass", she could only choose to respect her sister, take her sister who was about to cry away, and say to her as she walked: "Sister, I understand you very well, my brother is the same as your sister." Do you know how ruthless my brother is? Do you know what he did to me? ”

After a while, the second daughter was completely immersed in her mother's youth story, and her sadness was also transferred, and the two "second daughters" began to "warm each other".

In terms of learning, the two daughters also show a huge difference - the elder sister is more creative, and the younger sister is more learning. Once, my sister came to me and said, "Mom, I think my sister is very good at drawing, but I am not as good as my sister." ”

Tangerine comforted her: "You also draw very well." Don't compare yourself to your sister, you both have your own strengths. You see that you can make the people around you happy every day, and that's a very valuable ability, you know? Since then, my sister has rarely compared herself to her sister, and often goes home to report how she was "smart" at school to make her classmates laugh.

In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter

▲ Tangerine and two daughters, courtesy of the interviewee

Therefore, Tangerine feels that many of the so-called "competition" may be just a set trap or a created environment. When adults "trap" children into it, this trap will always exist; On the contrary, if all of this is not preconceived, these problems do not exist at all.

She is first and foremost a person, not a daughter or mother of whom

Over the years with her daughters, the most comfortable mother-daughter distance for Tangerine is the distance between people and people. "Think of them as individuals, not as 'my daughters.'"

In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter

▲Documentary "Childhood in a Foreign Country"

That's what she realized when she arrived in Finland. Here, children are not called "×× teacher" at school, but by their first names. Even if you meet the grandparents of your classmates, you don't need to worry about the other party being an elder.

This is in stark contrast to many Asian families. When I first started studying abroad, Tangerine's teacher explained the Finnish word for relations and asked everyone to write down the names of family members. Tangerine suddenly discovers that she doesn't know what her grandparents are called. But she wasn't the most exaggerated, there was also a Thai classmate in the class, and she found that she didn't know what her parents were called.

Tangerine is deeply aware of the cultural differences and power relations involved. In Chinese society, people are used to connecting each other through family relationships, but in Finland, the title emphasizes that people are first and foremost "themselves", not "who's who".

In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter

▲Documentary "Childhood in a Foreign Country"

This also gradually changed Tangerine's perception of his mother. Since she was a child, her mother has been a busy businessman and a workaholic who can "deny her six relatives" for her career.

When she was a child, she always felt that she was neglected, but now, she has begun to understand the "non-traditional" nature of her mother: her mother is trying her best to do her own business in such a not very open environment, and her personal will is so strong, she is not coerced and swallowed by social culture, nor has she become a mother of social structure.

Since then, whenever her mother apologizes and says that she is "a derelict mother", Tangerine will say to her, "You don't need to be the best mother, you just need to be the best version of yourself." ”

After becoming a mother, Tangerine also re-understood the identity of "daughter". Many times, she feels very much like her mother, growing up "savagely" and not loving her family. Since going abroad in 2020, Tangerine has not been home for more than three years, only occasionally making video calls with her mother.

In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter

▲ Tangerine and two daughters, courtesy of the interviewee

She also feels that her relationship with her eldest daughter is very similar to that between herself and her mother, who told her that she was going to move to Finland, not "informed", not discussed.

Mom didn't say yes or no, just asked about specific plans and didn't express concern in person. Until the first year of Tangerine's move to Finland, one night, her mother cried while chatting on the phone, because she chatted with a client and learned that the client's daughter had not been home in the United States for ten years. So she asked Tangerine, "Will I ever see you again?" ”

In Tangerine's memory, there are few moments when my mother reveals her true feelings. Every time she looks back on her childhood, Tangerine feels that she spent too little time with her mother, and rarely expresses her love for each other. After having a child, Tangerine is trying her best to make up for this shortcoming, and every night before going to bed, the family of four will hug each other tightly and feel each other hard, even if it is just a simple word-

"Do you know how cute you are right now? I love you so much. ”

In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter

▲ Tangerine family of four, source @ is orange ooooo.

Contents: Flower scoop white

Editor: Felicia

Typesetting: Yang Panpan

Caption: Courtesy of the interviewee

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  • In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
  • In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
  • In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
  • In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
  • In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
  • In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
  • In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
  • In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
  • In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
  • In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
  • In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
  • In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
  • In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
  • In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
  • In Finland, she became a mother who didn't roll her daughter
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