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I have a feeling that people in the workplace nowadays are falling into negative emotions more and more, and it can be seen from the black and red incident of Baidu's vice president Xuan Jing more than half a month ago that there is no one in the workplace who is not troubled by emotions.
Especially in middle management, they are sandwiched between their bosses and subordinates, and they have to take care of both up and down, and they have to keep an eye on KPIs, and they are easy to get burned.
Not to mention the workers, who work hard, have no autonomy, and may not be seen.
So how can there be no emotions? It's just that the rice bowl is important, so I can only break my teeth and swallow it in my stomach.
However, psychological research has confirmed that repressed emotions do not disappear, but appear in a more intense form.
Instead of letting people in the workplace learn to quit and manage emotions, it is better to let emotions flow naturally and turn negative emotions into positive motivation.
My coaching client, Little A, went through such a process.
Xiao A has just turned 30 this year, and he has become the middle level of the company at a young age, which shows his strong work ability, and the performance of the team he leads is far ahead in the whole company.
There are no weak soldiers under the strong general, so when the company has a chance to be promoted, he naturally feels that this place should be given to his team, so he strongly recommended a subordinate to the boss, but the result was unsuccessful, and after communicating with the boss, it was fruitless.
As a result, the subordinate was depressed, which affected his motivation to work.
Little A blamed himself very much, and he didn't know what he should do, so he found me.
On the other end of the video, he lowered his eyes and said listlessly: "I want to know how to appease my subordinates and work together for the next promotion." In addition, I don't know if it's because I can't communicate, so I can't get promoted, and I want to explore how to better communicate with my boss in the future. ”
He went on to add: "I'm sad when it happened, and so are my subordinates. I don't know if I want to fight for it again, in fact, I have communicated with my boss in the morning, but there seems to be no hope of change. ”
Looking at his expression of self-blame and regret, I couldn't help but feel that the team members were really lucky to follow such a leader.
But at the same time, I also saw that Xiao A's thoughts are now chaotic, trapped in emotional internal friction, and he can only see problems to be solved in all directions.
In fact, this is also one of the main complaints of people when choosing a coach, the customer can be said to have "a thousand knots in the heart", and the coach is to pull out a thread from the thousands of clues and untie the knot with the client.
I asked Xiao A bluntly: "You talked about whether you want to appease your subordinates, and you talked about whether you want to fight again, what do you want at this moment?" ”
He seemed to be very firm and said: "I want to give ourselves an assessment, is there a problem in handling this matter?" What do you do after that? ”
I then asked, "What kind of things to deal with?" ”
His voice rose up: "Deal with the unfairly outcome!" This kind of thing needs to be communicated with the boss, but I feel that the result is decided, the communication is hopeless, and I really don't know what to do. ”
Sometimes, what affects us is not the thing itself, but the perspective from which we look at it.
Little A now neither accepts the result nor gives up illusions, and falls into the "should" thinking, that is, he cannot tolerate the inconsistency between reality and our wishes.
I stared into his eyes and said calmly, "I feel that you have some emotions at this moment, can you tell me how you feel?" ”
Xiao A said with some emotion: "I value my subordinates very much, and I especially hope they are good." I communicated with my boss several times about this, but the other party did not respond. I don't know how to communicate now, I'm very aggrieved.
Our performance is good, and the promotion quota should be given to us, but it is given to other teams, which is very difficult for me to accept! I feel unfair and disappointed! ”
Behind every emotion, there is an unmet need hidden, but the person concerned is often in this mountain and is blinded by emotions.
So I asked him, "Is there any other expectation behind the unfairness and disappointment?" ”
Xiao A's voice was not loud, but he said very powerfully: "I hope that there will be such a thing again in the future, and there must be an open and fair system!" ”
The German psychologist Hellinger famously proposed a principle: whoever suffers, changes. Whoever changes, who benefits.
But the problem of customers is often: they want others to change.
As coaches, what we need to do is to help clients identify issues and accompany them to change.
I accentuated my tone and asked, "So what do you expect from yourself?" ”
Hearing me ask, he was obviously a little confused: "What do you expect from yourself? I haven't thought about my own, and now my mind is full of other people's injustices to us. ”
His tone remained unchanged when he said this, so I shared my feelings with him, saying, "I see that you are still quite peaceful when you talk about injustice, is there anything else behind it?" ”
Xiao A's eyes suddenly flashed at this moment, and he said excitedly: "It's too much, this matter is unacceptable to me!" Such unfair rules have a big impact on myself, I used to have higher performance goals, but now I am not motivated, I can't get what I deserve, especially affects morale! ”
I think I especially understand the little A in front of me.
He is like a captain who has to dock to KPIs according to the boss's requirements, always respond to the surging market, and guide his subordinate crews, but the team does not get supplies while on the way, and of course he is angry and anxious.
Seeing that Xiao A gradually opened, I gave feedback: "From the personnel promotion we talked about at the beginning, to the motivation to complete the performance now, what is the most important thing for you today, and what do you want to discuss with me?" ”
Xiao A replied firmly at this time: "I hope to help me change my mentality, how to face this matter, I can't always carry this emotion, it is not good for myself and my subordinates." ”
After a few laps, the client's attention shifted from looking outward to focusing on their emotions.
Seeing emotions is the first step to getting better.
I asked Little A, "What is your main emotion right now?" ”
He spat out a few words clearly: grievance and anger.
Then, he added: "I've been wondering who the reason for not being promoted, and I have a lot of complaints about the company. But if you don't accept it all the time, it will affect your work, and you need to get out quickly. ”
I seemed to see the strife between the elephant and the elephant rider in his head. And what I want to do is to get out of this limitation and take him to a new place.
I asked, "Assuming you've come out and don't think about it anymore, what was your state at that time?" ”
He thoughtfully said: "Return to the previous working state, no complaints, communicate with subordinates, and focus on business."
”
But he shook his head again and said, "But I can't get out now, and I don't know what to do next without giving me a reason that I can accept." ”
Little A fell back into the quagmire of problems.
I threw out another question: "From a wronged and angry you to a person who didn't complain and focused on important things, what hindered you?" ”
Little A seemed to say to himself: "I don't know, even if you say with me now, 'This is my boss's problem, it's his fault', I might just accept it." ”
I immediately did so, repeating his words: "Okay, then I'll play it back to you and say, 'That's his problem, he shouldn't do it.'" ”
Xiao A said angrily again: "That's right! He just doesn't do it fairly, why can't he be just?! ”
I repeated, "If he's just unfair, why can't he be just?" ”
If we parrot in life, others will think that we are not normal, but the coach is the mirror of the client, and if repeating their actions can help them see their own needs, we will do the same.
Xiao A looked at me, scratched his head, and said with a far-fetched smile: "It's still not good, I still can't accept it." ”
I asked curiously, "What do you think is happening that will remove the obstacles?" ”
Xiao A lowered his head again, and after thinking for a while, he confirmed: "How can I communicate with my subordinates without my emotions?" It seems that I have returned to the starting point, and I should go back to how to pacify my subordinates. ”
I heard the certainty that grew in my tone and asked, "Is this the obstacle?" ”
I can clearly feel Xiao A's tone raised: "Well, if the subordinate's emotions are calmed down, there are no problems, and he is actively engaged in work, I should be able to digest it!" ”
I continued to ask: "Assuming that you have appeased your subordinates, he also expressed his gratitude for your efforts and understanding......"
Xiao A took the words and said with great strength: "Work hard for the next time!" Assuming it's not my problem, I'll communicate with my boss in advance the next time I have the chance. ”
I told him that he had more energy when he said this.
He nodded and confirmed again: "It seems that the biggest confusion is how to appease the subordinates......"
By this time, we were back to where we were from. But I know that although we have come full circle, it is not useless.
He is not the same person he was when he came......
I sincerely expressed my opinion of Xiao A to him: "I see that you are a very good manager, and at this time I think of how to help my subordinates. ”
Little A finally showed a relaxed smile and asked me, "Why do you think I am a good manager?" ”
Instead of answering his question directly, I asked, "What do you think a good manager looks like?" ”
At this time, Xiao A's tone was much lighter, and he said: "I know that excellent managers have different characteristics, and my own advantage is to be good at discovering the strengths of my subordinates and helping them bring them into play, so the team atmosphere is very good." Everyone also trusts me and supports me!
I know that some managers are good at fighting for resources for their subordinates, and some managers are market acumen and have strong data analysis skills for the business, which I am not the best at. ”
After a pause, he had a new realization: "It seems that there is no fixed standard for good managers. ”
I couldn't help but ask him, "So what kind of manager do you want to be?" ”
Xiao A's eyes softened, as if looking into the distance, and said with a pleased smile: "I still enjoy it now, it is what I wanted to be before, I also know that my shortcomings are in data analysis, I hope that I can grow more in this area, and I also hope to be more recognized by the boss." ”
Seeing him lighten up, I was just as relieved as he was, and asked him how he was feeling now.
He smiled and said, "It's much better, now it seems that there is no emotional trouble, and it is much clearer." ”
I asked curiously, "What's clear?" ”
Xiao A looked at me, his eyes lit up, and he said seriously: "No longer trapped in emotions, come out little by little, no longer drill the horns, and see more." ”
In the coach's mindset, there is a logical hierarchy where environment, behavior, and abilities belong to the lower three layers, while values, identity, and vision are the upper three layers.
Being in the second layer is the key to determining the way of thinking and what to say and do, and its coping pattern is: because of what kind of person I am, I will make certain choices and actions.
When Xiao A identified himself as an "excellent manager", the problem of what he did and what he did was easily solved.
He said very clearly: "Help subordinates get out of their emotions faster, give more encouragement and praise, and at the same time reflect on what they still need to improve, and grow and progress with him!" ”
Watching Xiao A go from frowning to smiling, I also relaxed.
It is normal for people to produce emotions when encountering problems, but what makes people suffer is not emotions, but the internal friction generated by emotions.
While not accepting reality, while having illusions, is the reason why you can't get out of emotional internal friction, and the root cause of internal friction is that there is a problem with self-identity.
But it is also an opportunity to grow, to see your deepest desires, to admit your emotions, to change the "should" thinking of the outside world to inward, and to solve the problem naturally.
Not long after the coach, Xiao A also sent me a text message, saying that he had been encouraging and recognizing his subordinates since then, and helped him find a breakthrough in his ability.
I seemed to see him walk into the clear sky.
Story prototype / Xiao A Interview Writing / Yaoyao Coach / Huifeng and Ying The picture comes from the Internet, if there is any infringement, please contact the background to delete the story has been authorized, and the privacy part has been blurredIf you are interested in Huifeng and Ying Coach, you can contact us
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