▲图片来源:Xuan Loc Xuan
Guide
Have you ever wondered, "How did I grow up to be the person I am today?" How can I get to know myself better? ”
Robert Cagan, a professor of psychology at Harvard University, in his book "The Developing Self", divides the self-development of a person's life into six stages: infancy at 9-21 months, preschool childhood, adolescence, college-early career, middle age, and post-middle age.
We will face different challenges at each stage, and if we can take them in stride, we will be able to reach our full potential.
This time, Ms. Li Songwei shared the key stages of self-development in childhood, adolescence and growth, from "self in the eyes of others" to "truly knowing yourself".
——cinian——
Li Songwei
Psychological counselor
Ph.D. in Psychology, Peking University
01
self-identity,
It develops in a stepwise manner with age
▲图片来源:Xuan Loc Xuan
How do you know yourself in the eyes of others?
We need to rely on the "self-development model". What kind of person am I? What should I do? When did this start to happen? How was it formed?
With different age groups, individuals will show a stepwise development.
The first step in development is 5-8 years old. We determine what we should do and what I am as a child, often through parental instructions, requirements, and rules.
For example, parents will often tell us to be sensible and obedient. When we were children, we almost thoughtfully that we were going to be sensible and obedient people.
If we express our opinions, our parents will tell us very harshly: you don't mess around, you have to be a sensible child. There's a potential threat behind this: if you mess around, maybe you won't be the kid we like.
For a child, this feeling is terrible, because the child is not capable of taking care of himself, he must be integrated with his parents in a sense, look at himself with the eyes and standards of his parents, and judge himself as safe.
This is why many children subtly set high requirements for themselves, because this is what he thinks his parents want of themselves.
From childhood, we use the eyes of our parents to determine what is good and what is not. If we find that some of our feelings or needs are different from those of our parents, we may decide that it is our own problem.
For example, some girls love beauty when they are young and like to dress themselves up beautifully, and their parents tell her not to spend her mind on appearance, but to study hard and increase her inner cultivation. When the child gets this information, she thinks that she is wrong to have requirements for her appearance.
Some children are very fond of snacking since childhood, and their parents tell them that if you always eat snacks, you won't be able to eat properly. The child will think that snacking is a sin in his heart, and he may be in front of his parents, unable to show real needs and desires, and ashamed of some of his needs.
When a child asks himself to be what his parents want to be, he will have a deep anxiety, he knows that he has some things that contradict his parents' requirements, and that there is a difference between his true self and the self he should be, which is the first seed planted in the process of growing up, which is called "false self" in the language of psychoanalysis.
We may seem to work very hard, be very obedient, and conform to certain social standards, but there is a certain disagreement between it and our real emotions and desires.
When did this disagreement become a problem? For most people, it's probably from the teenage years, that is, adolescence.
When you go to middle school, parents will suddenly find that their children seem to be a different person. In fact, it is not that the child has changed, but that the child's self-consciousness is strong, he has the opportunity and space to explore who I am and what I want to do, and he begins to regard "self" as a subject, which is different from the previous parents' requirements for him.
This distinction makes the child a different individual from what his parents imagined in the past.
But in adolescence we are not completely independent individuals, and we will still give part of ourselves to our peers. So in the teenage years, the friends and environment around us are very important.
We mentally allow ourselves not to obey external authority, not to be what our parents and teachers want me to be, but if my classmates and friends agree and want to do something, I think that I can do that thing too, so we will define a part of the self as a companion of my choice.
Sometimes we may watch movies, read novels, and watch videos to find out what we want to be, in a sense they are our idols. During adolescence, idols have a certain rebellious nature, and they may not exactly fit into what society usually thinks is very good or standard.
In the past, self-identity was formed at the age of 18, but today's young people only make career choices after graduating from college at the age of 22, and many even go to graduate school, so they don't think that the first job at the moment should be done for the rest of their lives, but to work for a few years to explore themselves, jump several slots, or change several cities, do different jobs, and try different lifestyles.
There are also many people who may be in their 30s, and have achieved management in a certain position in a certain industry, with a good income and other aspects, and a good job, but at the age of 40, they will suddenly find that this is not the life they want, so they have to go out and pursue themselves, such as starting a business, or entering another industry.
At this time, there will once again be a disagreement between the self and the gaze of others, who will look at the standards of society, but there will be a voice in our hearts that will become louder and more determined.
After we have experienced a lot of things, we have slowly clarified what we want to do, where our self-worth is, and our self-worth is no longer defined by the eyes of others.
At work, we feel our relationships with others, we get real feedback in our interactions, and we make sure that this is something I enjoy, that I am willing to put in a lot of time and effort into it, and that it may even be my future professional identity, and that I would be willing to introduce myself to others like this. This is the process of gradual development, maturity, and separation of the self from external evaluation.
This is why in the past, you can reach self-maturity at the age of 19, but now that society is progressing, the number of years of education is also extending, and the choice of work is becoming more and more abundant, many people after the age of 30 or even middle age, slowly precipitate and find their true value.
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02
Four common problems in interpersonal relationships
▲图片来源:Xuan Loc Xuan
During the exploratory period, what we need to do is to constantly invest in new experiences, get new feedback from different people in relationships, and gradually confirm what we really want.
In the process of exploration, there will be various uncertainties or cognitive distortions caused by interpersonal relationships.
There are four common problems in interpersonal relationships:
1. Internal friction
We may spend ten minutes doing things, but we have to spend fifty minutes to reflect on whether we are doing well, which consumes a lot of energy and time, resulting in very low efficiency.
We will fall into this internal friction, in essence, because we have surrendered the right to define ourselves, and we do not accept our true selves, but think that there is a "should" be ourselves.
The standard of our definition has shifted, in a sense that it seems to be more important than what the real me is, so I can't use the real me and spend a lot of time on meaningless questions.
The questions are: Why am I not like that? Why can't I just be like everyone else? Why can't I be what I thought I was?
Therefore, what we should really consider is that I am such a person at the moment, and how can I give full play to my characteristics to achieve my goals.
2. Boundaries
In Chinese culture, we are often very afraid that others will not judge us well, that what we do, what we say, what we have achieved, and what we do is not good enough in the eyes of others, and we confuse two things: What am I going to do? What are others going to do?
Whether others like us or not, whether they think we are good enough people, is someone else's business; Whether I want to do it, whether I recognize the value of doing it, it's my business.
We often have excessive entanglements with other people, hoping to use our own efforts to follow other people's standards and gain the appreciation of others, the other side of this matter is: I put the right to define myself in the hands of others, and I care too much about whether others like us.
When some young people in their twenties pursue independence, they will use extreme ways to solve boundary problems, such as trying to please others, striving to be a very standard "good person" in the eyes of others, and finally they will break off their friendship with this person and no longer maintain a relationship because they feel that this person is consuming and using themselves.
Some young people may not be able to grasp the balance of building relationships with others in the workplace, and they will work hard at first, but suddenly explode at a certain point.
▲图片来源:Xuan Loc Xuan
三、PUA
Many people are actually overly wary of the concept of PUA, and sometimes turn the boss's criticism or dissatisfaction with us into uncertainty about how we feel about ourselves.
For example, when the boss asks us to do a better job, we can directly tell the boss: I have done my best, I am still growing, and being able to do it like this is the best I can do at the moment.
Some people will wonder: Is it because I am really not good enough, and there is a problem with my ability, which leads to the disappointment of the other party. In the end, when the other party is not satisfied, I reflect on what I have not done well.
Sometimes there is this distortion of self-perception in intimate relationships, such as when we tell our partner or a very good friend, "I don't like it when you talk to me like that, you make me uncomfortable talking like that." The other person will say, "Is it possible that you have your own problem?" Are you not good enough? ”
We will think that maybe the other person is talking this way for my own good, and he is asking me this way to help me grow, so that we lose our feelings, lose the ability to oppose and reject each other in the boundary, and this thing will become a kind of "mental manipulation".
The ultimate result of mental manipulation is not actually at the level of relationships, but how the other party exploits us and uses part of the results.
The other part of the problem is that we don't know what is right and what is good, and it becomes a kind of definition of self that I think I am bad when I do it, I think I am bad when I don't do it, and I don't do anything right.
In daily life, sometimes we can't directly express the dissatisfaction in the relationship, and we turn the pain into a psychological problem, so as to obtain the release and rejection of the relationship.
For example, depression, as a recognized disease, will allow people who have worked very hard at work, cannot allow themselves to rest, and cannot allow themselves to refuse the expectations of their bosses, can take a break for a while. Because he has already gone to the hospital to get a diagnosis and is taking medicine. The boss said, you take a break first.
If we can realize that behind a lot of problems is that we want to gain some power and space in our relationships, can we go for it directly through a more peaceful way, instead of using a lot of problems or pain as a bargaining chip?
4. Postpartum depression
Many mothers may encounter emotional problems after giving birth from wives to mothers, and there are many physiological factors behind the problems, such as postpartum hormonal changes, but there are also social factors.
After a woman becomes a mother, she will lose a lot of self-care rights in family life, she will be instrumentalized, and she will be asked how to take care of her children as a mother, and she should become gentle, not angry, and carefully play the role of a good mother.
When she can't, postpartum depression can be a way for her to protect herself.
It takes a long time for these women to get out of postpartum depression, because she has to face it, how to face her identity again after leaving depression, and the many invisible requirements of others behind this identity.
If a mother learns to say no outright, telling the other person that I can't be who you want me to be, that I love my child in my own way, then she can get another identity than the role of a mother, and she can return to the workplace and spend a lot of time on work and socializing.
When a mother can have self-care and choice, it is easier for her to get rid of the purely physiological postpartum depression.
03
Four ways,
Take back your own definition
▲图片来源:Xuan Loc Xuan
Behind all kinds of psychological problems, we all have to analyze how we perceive ourselves in interpersonal relationships. How much of your definition of yourself comes from the eyes and evaluations of others who can't be refused?
In adulthood, in the workplace and in society or intimate relationships, we repeatedly interact and play games with other people, sometimes we conform to other people's expectations, sometimes we reject others' expectations, and finally the result we want to achieve is called: take back the right to define ourselves.
"Define yourself", that is, to a certain extent, I can be less dependent on the outside world's eyes, I have my characteristics, you can define it as strengths or weaknesses, but no matter how you define it, whether you like it or not, it does not affect my definition of myself.
There are four ways to take back your own definition:
◎ First, I don't need to explain too much for me to be such a person.
Strictly speaking, MBTI is not the most rigorous personality measurement tool, and a better personality tool is called the "Big Five Personality Scale", but MBTI is easy to use, it is a generally accepted concept in this society, so it is very easy to use.
If I used to say I don't like to socialize, people will ask why you don't like socializing. Are you too introverted? Are you lacking in exercise? Some people will even teach us a lesson and let us deal with society more. We need to spend a lot of energy explaining why I don't like this thing, or why I like that thing.
But MBTI has given us a label, and we can be very comfortable saying that I am an I, and I can take it for granted that I don't like to socialize, and I don't need to have any apologies for such characteristics.
In such a society, sometimes the cost of stress that we need to explain is higher than the cost of being ourselves. It is precisely because it is too cumbersome to explain that we simply do something according to other people's expectations, which will cause confusion.
◎ Second, take back your own right to define, and at the same time try to keep yourself from entangled.
If something I do, or I want to do, I don't have to define whether it's right or wrong, otherwise I'm measuring myself by external standards: if it's right, I'll be satisfied, and if it's wrong, I'll regret it.
What I have to do is accept myself fully and even wonder a little about myself: Why did I do this? What are the characteristics behind my doing?
Not only did I not dwell on it, but I was even satisfied with it in a sense, because I exercised my right to freedom. For example, when we are not working or not motivated, we may be very entangled, thinking that we are wasting our time and not spending our time on the right things in the eyes of others.
When I used to be a teacher at university, many students would be in a lot of pain after a long vacation. Many students say they are more tired after the holidays because they haven't done anything during the holidays.
The holiday is for everyone to rest to adjust their state, and enter the new study or work in a fuller state, and the holiday is so that we can do nothing.
Maybe it's because we're using external standards too much to demand ourselves, so if the time is not fully utilized, it seems like I'm making some mistakes.
I suggest that you try to accept that you can have some time when you don't ask for what you have to do, but be happy whatever you do: if I use this time to rest, I will say, I use this time I have enough rest, and I am happy; If I use this time to work, I can also say that this work is what I want to do, and I am very happy.
I can do whatever I want during this time, and I'm happy with myself, so we call this kind of time "time to be unentangled", "time to allow myself", and I allow myself to be a different kind of me during this time.
You can set it after 8 or 9 p.m. as "I allow my own time", during which I can do anything, I can lie down and do nothing, and fully enjoy this time to relax without doing anything.
If we can give ourselves two or three hours a day like this, we will feel more and more determined, we will like ourselves more and more, and we will enjoy life in the moment more and more.
▲图片来源:Xuan Loc Xuan
◎ Third, we don't default to what other people's definitions are.
Chinese culture emphasizes kindness to others, and this culture itself will give a lot of self-definition to relationships, and we can't help but try to accept other people's definitions of ourselves in relationships.
For example, when everyone says that Mr. Li is a good person who responds to requests, I will feel that when other people ask me, do I have to meet this request like a good person? I'm going to default to that definition.
But in fact, this definition is someone else's definition and expectation, and it has nothing to do with me.
If we are aware of our tendency to meet the expectations of others, we may be able to tell them directly: This time, I have my own ideas, and I am not going to do it.
When we tell each other what we want to do, and we do it at the same time, we don't need to explain why I think the way I do, and we don't need to worry about whether it's not good to do it, it's what I want to do anyway.
If we have the right to reject other people's definitions, we will feel more comfortable doing what others want us to do, knowing that we can say no. If we do it now, it means that we really want to do it.
But if we can't say no, it means that we risk confusing our own will with someone else's definition of me.
Therefore, the process of knowing oneself is not simply thinking about who I am in a room alone. What do I like? What do I want to do? In many cases, self-knowledge is done through collisions with others.
It is only in our relationships with others that we find that we agree again and again, and the more we agree, the more painful and irritated we become, and we slowly realize that we need to refuse.
When we reject others and start to have our own space to decide what we want to do and what not to do, we find ourselves falling in love with doing it again, because we like it, not because we define ourselves in the eyes of others.
◎ Fourth, keep trial and error.
There are many people who ask, "They all say to be themselves, but how do I know what it means to be myself?" ”
This question is not that he can't find himself, but that he keeps thinking: what exactly am I going to do, there is no standard to refer to.
There are many people who can't figure out what they want to do and do anything casually, so we find our own years and keep pushing them back to their 30s and 40s. Before that, we were experimenting with different positions, identities, and relationships, and we were making mistakes along the way.
Maybe we do this thing for a while before we realize that we don't like it, which is not bad, because through this experience, we have confirmed that we don't like to do it, which is an important understanding of ourselves.
It's because we find that there are some things we don't like, so we may make mistakes in some of the things we do next. For example, when young people are just starting to look for a job and make career choices, they can have the attitude of "doing a bad job" in their first few jobs.
In the end, it turns out that I am not good at or do not like it, I don't love it, it is a very good thing, this is not a failure, but another kind of success, success pushes our understanding of self to a new position, we know what we are good at or what we are not good at, and then we can just try and make mistakes.
The effective lifespan of modern people in the true sense has been extended many times, and the speed of iteration is also increasing. With the continuous improvement of production efficiency, new technologies such as AI continue to help us do the work of several people in one person, and now we can complete the output of the past few decades in a few years, and we can do multiple jobs in a lifetime.
This means that the cost of being ourselves or finding ourselves has become cheaper, we are no longer looking for a position, a relationship or a role for life, but we can find one to try first, do it for a while, have some experience, know what parts we like and what we don't like, and then adjust ourselves.
So in a sense, even if we only do one job from beginning to end, or only have one relationship, we are free from the beginning, and we can always tell ourselves: this is just my choice during this time, and if one day I have a different understanding of myself, I can switch to other options, because I have a freedom of trial and error.
The self-development model of interpersonal relationships, in essence, tells us that the definition of self is not to take an X-ray machine to scan what is myself and what is not myself, it is actually a process of constantly exploring, understanding oneself and bravely insisting on oneself in one relationship after another.
- END -
"2024 "Know Thyself" Offline Course
Seeing yourself, life is restarted
Knowing yourself is a journey of discovery about personal growth and inner change.
❍ Explore your cognitive style and emotional model to identify the "filters" through which you see the world
❍ Use behavioral function analysis to see the problem, so that change happens unconsciously
❍ Re-examine the different roles in relationships and take back the initiative
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Confusion and confusion in self-relationship, Teacher Li Songwei will give you the answer. From May 18th to 19th, Teacher Li Songwei personally taught "Examine Your Story".
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