After breaking up with his ex-girlfriend Xiaofei, Xu Wei once rejected the word "responsibility".
The "responsibility" demanded by Xiaofei directly points to Xu Wei's weakness - income. The quarrel that prompted them to break up was also about money. The fuse was Xiaofei's words: "You are earning so many thousand yuan a month now, how can we get married?" ”
Xu Wei was enraged by this sentence. At that time, he had no regular job and an unstable income, and as a man, Xu Wei was already ashamed of this. He was poked in the soft underbelly by Xiao Fei's words, as if he was "crazy", and was about to fight back, "Then you go, let's not talk about it."
Xiaofei also frequently brought up these topics in the past. When it comes to getting married, you can't avoid income and buying a house. In Xiaofei's expectation, the two families can contribute money together to buy another house for each of them. In this way, if two people quarrel or even divorce, this is her "retreat".
Stills from "I Still Think You're the Best".
This is also the request of Xiaofei's parents. Xu Wei knew that Xiaofei's family was a demolition household in Jiangsu and Zhejiang, and she had two or three boyfriends in the past, although she liked it, she understood that her parents would not approve of it, because they did not have enough financial strength. At that time, Xiaofei had just graduated from college, and her mother was very "crazy" in urging her to get married, often forcing her to go on blind dates, and sometimes Xiaofei was unwilling, and her mother would run to her rental house and stand downstairs shouting her name.
Xiaofei, who was forced to marry on a blind date, turned her head and forced Xu Wei to become the one who could provide her with financial security. But Xu Wei couldn't do it.
"Buying a house" can solve Xiaofei's insecurity. But Xu Wei didn't want to face it. He can't afford to buy a house, and he doesn't understand Xiaofei's dedication to buying a house. Xu Wei's family has two suites in Xi'an, and Xiaofei's family also has two or three suites in Suzhou.
But he couldn't say any of these thoughts. "It's irresponsible to say it, right?" Although he felt uncomfortable, Xu Wei felt that Xiaofei was not wrong, he seemed to have to promise her and give her a financial commitment.
Stills from "All the Way to the Sun".
Two forces pulled Xu Wei. He instinctively repelled to buying a house, but another, more powerful voice told him that he should be held responsible. So whenever Xiaofei mentioned buying a house, he chose to be perfunctory, either saying "I'll think about it", or talking about something else and diverting the topic.
Gradually, he felt as if he was inferior. Xiaofei didn't dare to tell her parents about her relationship, because Xu Wei "couldn't meet the standards they asked for marriage", and they would definitely force her to break up immediately. Xu Wei went to find Xiaofei on the weekend, and she also had to avoid her parents, "like a thief". Even, under the pressure of urging marriage, Xiaofei still went on a blind date, which made Xu Wei feel like their relationship was not recognized.
Because he can't afford to buy a house, he seems to be worthless, Xu Wei can only accept this asymmetry. In Xiaofei's urging, Xu Wei kept seeing his incompetence. As a man over 30 years old, unable to afford a house and unable to take on the responsibility of marriage, "That's my problem, what is there to say?" ”
Even after the breakup, that set of "standards" still affects Xu Wei. Back on the dating app, he felt that he still couldn't meet the expectations of women, "so no matter how I go in the marriage market, I can't (all) move."
Stills from "I Still Think You're the Best".
He could not escape from this setback. Xu Wei realized that he was a loser who couldn't provide financial security to the other party.
Jiang Spider's frustration came earlier. He knew that he was not good-looking since he was a child, because this point was constantly mentioned by the people around him. Some people say that he is ugly, with the meaning of humiliation; Some are out of sympathy, and some girls will think that he is easy to get along with among boys, "but it's a pity that he looks ugly".
The choices of the girls continue to prove to him that appearance matters. During puberty, some girls fall in love openly, and their boyfriends tend to be more good-looking. After work, the conditions listed in the blind date post also made Jiang Spider Pillow helpless, which was usually written at the beginning of "more than 1.75 meters tall", and he was 1.71 meters tall, "Even if the latter ones are met, I will be brushed down the first one".
The appearance is like an invisible wall. In high school, Jiang Spider Pillow liked a girl, the girl's parents were often not around, she lived in a relative's house, and would complain about her life to Jiang Spider Pillow from time to time, but when Jiang Spider Pillow wanted to take the initiative to care about her, or confide in her about his loneliness, he often didn't get a response.
Similar plots are repeated on different subjects. Jiang Zhuzhen found that the girl seemed to be just an "emotional trash can" in her eyes. He wanted to take the relationship one step further, but those efforts were "like a punch in the cotton."
He also considers himself a failure. In the traditional male evaluation system, in terms of appearance alone, Jiang Spider Pillow knows that he has "lost a lot". For this reason, he once thought about plastic surgery.
Stills from "Inside the Mask".
In the marriage market, there are too many such losers. Cao Wei, the founder of "Blind Date Today", has been in the blind date consulting business in Beijing for nearly 9 years, and he pointed out that most of the remaining men in the marriage market have been single for a long time because of their own lack of ability.
Cao Wei refers to a wide range of abilities: education, economic level, personality, and appearance. Single men either have outstanding shortcomings in one aspect or are generally weak.
In contrast, in addition to strong men, there are more and more strong women. According to data released by the National Bureau of Statistics in 2022, the number of female students in higher education is increasing, accounting for 50.0% of the enrolled students, of which 51.2% are female students. Among the female customers Cao Wei contacted, most of them had a master's degree. He found that as women had more access to education, their levels of awareness and income increased.
The reason why these women are single is that most of them want to "look up", so it is difficult to match with men with better conditions.
"So in the marriage market, the overall conditions of single men are not as good as women, and they are actually a vulnerable group." Cao Wei said.
Because of their lack of ability, they will be looked down upon when they go on a blind date. "For example, you see that you have been working for so many years, and you still earn thousands of dollars a month." At the same age, Cao Wei said, women may earn more and live better than them. In contrast, single men are becoming more and more inferior.
Stills from "I'm Crazy for Blind Date".
Most of the defeated single men fall into self-defeat. Men are less willing and motivated to seek counseling services than single women. In recent years, Cao Wei feels that men have become more "decadent". They organized an event and asked 100 men to participate, and in the past there might have been 20, but now they can only come to two.
"They don't want to think about how to change the status quo," Cao said, "and some people may think they can't do it, but a large part of them may think that the social status quo is not good, or complain that women are too realistic." ”
Self-abandonment is one of the outcomes of the loser. And beyond that, men who have tasted frustration in intimate relationships are trying to escape from this outcome.
Role-playing
After breaking up with Xiaofei, Xu Wei returned to social software, and he felt that he began to "pretend" - to play a "successful man". This is the script that Xu Wei chose for himself in order to "clear" the game of love.
The performance first needs to choose a high-end restaurant as the "stage", and in the center of the "stage", Xu Wei begins to speak, and the content is mainly self-boasting. He said that he had worked in Beijing and Shanghai, and had also traveled abroad for exchanges, and that he had seen a lot of things, and that his topics were mostly focused on the past - and this was because he had nothing to talk about in view of the current situation of being unemployed. If the other party still wants to ask him what he is doing now, Xu Wei will be a little nervous, but it is not impossible. He would say that he was starting a business, and emphasized how difficult it was to start a business, but how much more fun it was, and it was much more free than working and waiting for someone else to pay him.
"At least it means that I'm busy and not lying at home with nothing to do." In fact, for Xu Wei at that time, "doing nothing" was not bad, and most of the time, he was breaking down because of the failure of his last job.
He was tired and uncomfortable. Wearing the mask of a "successful man" and carefully avoiding topics related to work, Xu Wei felt that he was hypocritical. But he didn't seem to have a choice.
Shi Bin realized that he needed to play a "warm man" who knew how to be considerate and romantic. He used to be a typical straight man: he quarreled with his girlfriend, and he liked to reason with each other; After the quarrel, he will only "deal with it coldly", get through this situation, and wait for both parties to forget the contradictions; After walking a long way while shopping, he would not have noticed that the girl's heel was worn out by the high heels.
Stills from "The Fallen Judgment".
Finally, a girl complained that he was "too straight". "Straight" means not romantic enough, and it is also the same. In the six months they got along, Shi Bin's dating schedule for the two was highly homogeneous: go to the commercial street near her school, and then complete the three major activities of shopping, eating, and watching movies, and went to the same street three or four times.
In order to get rid of the straight man, Shi Bin's approach is to "do questions". He specially brushed up on questions related to "desire to survive", and watched a lot of "brain teasers". One of the knowledge points made him suddenly realize: if a girl tells you, "I saw ...... on the way to the hospital today", you should not pay attention to what she saw, but that she is sick.
"The brain circuit turns out to be like this, and the real focus should be on the girl herself." Shi Bin felt that he had gained insight.
But he is also aware of the distance between the character and himself, "unable to learn and use". Although he knows how to express his thoughts more, he is still very subtle in confessing to the girl he likes; learned a lot of pick-up and ambiguous skills, but before the relationship was determined, he still didn't dare to take the initiative to hold the girl's hand; When it comes to dating, he still only goes shopping, eats, and watches movies. Shi Bin is like a student who can't draw inferences, with sincere confusion. He reluctantly told me that he was only a "semi-straight man" now.
At least Shi Bin learned a sentence: "Men talk about reason, women talk about emotion." Therefore, he understands that he cannot reason with the other party when arguing, but should pay attention to the girl's emotions. He also "grew up" and learned to unravel the contradictions after quarrels.
Stills from "Love is Delicious".
There are old and new scripts for characters. Jiang Spider Pillow, who thinks that he has "lost completely" in the ranks of traditional men, sees a new track.
The new script comes from "feminism". He found that many feminist Weibo will involve the topic of emotional relationships. Jiang Spider Pillow learns from it, and then checks it against itself. Sometimes when he first meets a girl he likes, he will study how to get along with each other - even if a relationship has not yet begun. "It can be said that it is to interact with people that I am motivated to learn."
He will also join some feminist communities and communicate with netizens inside. I met him in a group called "Male Modernization". Usually, the group members will share the books "Reinventing Love" and "Working Mothers Don't Get Off Work" to discuss housework, bride price customs and the marriage system. In the group chat of 90 people, Jiang Spider Pillow is the positive type, he will participate in the "housework" activities organized by the group, occasionally post two meals made by himself, and when the topic turns to some women's issues, he will also give his own analysis in large paragraphs.
Having learned something, ginger spider pillows began to apply them. When confessing to a girl, he will make an outline. Those skills and principles have become his guarantee in the outline: if the two are dating, he will value the business relationship, share the housework equally, listen to his girlfriend's sharing and give positive feedback, do not let his family put pressure on the girl, communicate openly and resolve conflicts......
Fang Ke is also a member of the new track of "feminism". During college, a friend recommended him to follow a feminist blogger, and through netizens' contributions, the blogger's Weibo presented all kinds of "negative cases" of men, ranging from cheating, domestic violence, sexual harassment, to disrespect in words and behavior. Fang Ke was shocked, and the vivid cases and the blogger's sharp analysis made him turn to reflect on his own life.
In reflection, new perspectives replace old ideas. In the past, when considering the issue of childbearing, Fang Ke thought about "whether I want to have a child or not", and later he realized that the initiative of childbearing belongs to women. As a result, he understood the damage that the process from pregnancy to childbirth would bring to women, thinking that "this is a lifelong injury", and he didn't want to see the person he loved face such a problem.
Stills from "You Who Were Lost by Me".
What he had overlooked, was now back in his sight. Fang Ke began to pay attention to the eyes cast by passers-by, "For example, a beautiful girl on the road, how many people are looking at her, how many people are obscene eyes, how many people are looking at her, and how many people just look at it and don't look at it." "Jealousy", "suspicion", "demon" and other negative words with female characters also have different meanings in Fang Ke's eyes.
"When I was in elementary school, I also asked the teacher, and I said that the group I wrote about was obviously more girls, so I wrote 'them', why am I wrong?" The teacher corrected him and should use "they". At that time, Fang Ke accepted the norm, and now he picked it up again, and rethought whether he should write "they" or "they".
As new ideas spread into his life, he wrote in the profile section of his dating app: support feminism.
After labeling himself, Fang Ke really got positive feedback from it. This gave him the opportunity to communicate with girls who were better than him. "If I don't have such a thought, there are some people who have very good conditions, whether they are much better than me in appearance or inner cultivation, they don't want to know me at all."
Feminism, which has come into the public eye, has brought the possibility of growth for girls and allowed men to see their own opportunities. Another interviewee felt the same way as Fang Ke: "If you understand feminism, a lot of smart girls will be willing to talk to you a little deeper. At least she won't talk to you and say, 'yes, yes, yes,' and never talk to you again. ”
A still from "Little Women".
The label brought Fang Ke friends and attracted his later girlfriend Miao Miao. At first, Miao Miao chatted with him with a curious mentality, "I want to see what kind of (man) you are", but it turned out that Fang Ke was not the "strange" she imagined. Through the exchange, she found that he did seem to respect women, and whenever some social issues related to women were discussed, the two of them had the same opinion. This is very different from the ex-boyfriend who likes to interfere with Miao Miao's dress, always brings her appearance anxiety, and can't talk together.
The consistency of feminist concepts made them lovers, but a later quarrel made her realize that there is still a long distance between people's ideas and behaviors.
Inertia
At first, Miao Miao was just joking. It was the weekend, and they were lying in bed chatting about money, and both felt like they were paying more. But Miao Miao was used to bookkeeping, and after Fang Ke left, Miao Miao paid most of the expenses for household and travel. So she said, "Remember to pay me back when you have money in the future." ”
As a result, Fang Ke was anxious, and felt that Miao Miao had calculated very well with him. Then there was the Cold War, Miao Miao walked out of the room and sat on the sofa for a long time, the more she thought about it, the more aggrieved she became, "I felt that my efforts were all neglected."
And when I interviewed Fang Ke, he had forgotten the reason for the quarrel. In his memory, Miao Miao was very angry because of a trivial matter, he only remembered that he was a little impatient at the time, why was he so angry about this kind of thing?
But many of the things involved are "small things" that he rarely pays attention to. With more time after leaving his job, he promised to take on more household chores and cook at home, but he didn't do it at all; He likes to play games and basketball by himself, but he rarely takes the initiative to accompany Miao Miao, sometimes he goes shopping with her, and he gets tired after a while, "like completing a task"; When he was playing games at home, Miao Miao didn't even feel the same as if he was or not.
Behind the "little things" that have piled up little by little, it is also Miao Miao's dedication. When the two first got together, Fang Ke was at work, and Miao Miao hadn't graduated yet, so she would do housework at home. One day, she cleaned the house, cooked and waited for Fang Ke to come home, she suddenly became alert, is she living a life of "serving men"?
Stills from "The Fallen Judgment".
At that time, she will find a reason for the other party, because he has to work, and she can understand. But when Miao Miao graduated and started working, and after Fang Ke left the company he didn't like, Miao Miao found that she couldn't find any more reasons for him.
As a result, conflicts over housework recurred. "It's hard to imagine a person like Fang Ke, who presents to others as a very respectful woman, but who doesn't take responsibility for labor at home."
Because Fang Ke has not done housework since he was a child. In his childhood memories, after eating, he and his father sat in front of the TV and watched TV, while his mother cleaned up the dishes in the kitchen. For more than 20 years, he has been very lazy, so lazy that he "can't see work in his eyes". He had a dog, but he often delayed walking it until midnight; The garbage can is poured in front of him, and he will not help it; The toilet paper in the toilet, he rarely realizes that it is time to change it, "in my world, it seems that the toilet has always been paper".
At the end of the quarrel, Miao Miao cried. The little things of daily life are piled up and become a big thing, and its heaviness mainly falls on Miao Miao, and she needs to keep "digesting" them, just like moving away the stones in her heart again and again.
Fang Ke also tried to change. In the past, he still needed Miao Miao to tell him what to do, but now he has more and more work in his eyes. The bowls left on the table after a late-night snack, the dirt from the toilet and sink, the shredded paper garbage on the coffee table...... Once, when Fang Ke cleaned a clogged drain with detergent, he found that housework was not as troublesome as he thought. "Actually, just ten minutes, how much effort can it cost me?"
Stills from "Don't Forget I Love You".
But inertia is always there. He feels that he has not changed qualitatively, and his enthusiasm for housework is "depending on the mood". He still delays walking the dog from time to time until the dog barks at home because he is uncomfortable. In the past, Miao Miao would help him walk the dog, and she had asked him many times, why couldn't he put down the game temporarily and go to walk the dog in advance? "Because I don't want to." All he could say was.
Leaving aside all the reasons, all that remains is "don't want to". Fang Ke began to doubt himself: "How can I have been nurtured by feminism for so long, but I still have a stinky masculinity in my bones?" ”
This is not the first time he has doubted himself. He had seriously pondered whether he had used "feminism" as a cover for hunting. Later, he figured out that his original intention was to be better. But now, the inertia accumulated over the past 20 years has once again forced Fang Ke to ask his original intention, this time, does he really want to get better?
Men who try to arm themselves with feminism still can't get around the personal dilemma that "ism" can't solve.
Ginger Spider Pillow is in the same predicament. While he was moving in the direction of "feminism" in his mind, the women in his eyes began to regress towards "superficiality".
Stills from "The Myth of Love".
He began to care about his "potential rivals". The male netizens on his forum are the same as him, keen to discuss "how can such a person have a girlfriend". In related posts, "such people" were described by netizens as having bad deeds, some people lost their temper and avoided housework, some people lacked a sense of responsibility, and they got by in love, but they often had a lot of women's popularity, and even if they made mistakes, they would be forgiven by their girlfriends.
The discussion among male netizens went from being shocked and in an uproar, to scolding men for being too bad, and finally to evaluating women for being "eye-catching". Jiang Spider Pillow was also swept up in these discussions, "I will feel that women are very superficial" - they are always more interested in superficial qualities such as appearance and money.
At that time, he would still pursue girls, but there was a desire to win. Jiang Spider's confession letter to the girl became an arena for him and other men. In the letter, he will compare the advantages of himself and other "potential love rivals", the other party may be more handsome, taller, and more confident in language expression than him, but Jiang Spider is willing to take on housework, good at listening, and has no bad habits, but his advantages are not as obvious as those of "opponents".
He will also remind girls that there may be more invisible shortcomings in "potential love rivals". For example, emotional instability, machismo, and too much ego, and these are all problems that will be slowly exposed after dating.
It seems that Jiang Spider's "potential love enemy" is not as good as him at all, but he is still very inferior. In the letter, he would write a long paragraph, "I am not worthy of you in all aspects" and "no matter how hard I try, you will have a better choice". Sometimes he even directly concludes: even if he has many advantages, he can't pass the other party's "first test", so how can these advantages be displayed?
Stills from "Marriage Story".
This is like his self-pity, but the girl who was confessed didn't eat it. She was very angry, and what she read from Jiang Spider's letter was not self-deprecation, but a kind of arrogance, because Jiang Spider was trying to arrange and define everything about her, and was pronouncing a judgment on her as what she would value as a "value".
The anger of girls points out the absurd nature behind the role play of men. While they strive to embed themselves in a set of character templates, they also try to frame real women with another set of "heroine" characters. Love seems to have become a game, and having a strategy can lead to a "happy ending".
And Jiang Spider Pillow has not yet realized his arrogance. At that time, he felt that even if women had no eyes, he should insist on practicing self-reflection in a spirit that was almost martyrdom.
Until one day, Jiang Spider Pillow learned about the concept of "incel". "Incel" ("involuntary celibate") is a general term for a group of misogynistic men who tend to distrust women's judgment and fall into nothingness because of frustration in intimate relationships, and use a dark fantasy to satisfy their desire for control over women......
Jiang Spider Pillow suddenly realized, isn't this himself?
Before that, Jiang Spider had long considered herself a feminist. It has always been his goal to stay away from "those men", but now he wants to share a "dirty label" with them. Realizing this, Jiang Spider Pillow fell into a great sadness.
Confusion ensues. Even though he uninstalled those forum apps and kept reflecting on the past in his diary, the misogynistic mood did not leave him easily.
His arrogance stubbornly remains. In the feminist community, when a girl complains about all kinds of "misogynistic" signs on her ambiguous object, Jiang Spider Pillow will be very "sad and angry". He thinks that even if there are really "good men" who meet their core needs, they will be the first to be eliminated by them because of superficial reasons such as not fitting their eyes, so that they can only meet scumbags, isn't it the result of their own fault?
When he said it, he would naturally be severely criticized by other girls, but what made Jiang Zhuzhen sad the most was that these criticisms did not provide an answer to his confusion.
Stills from "The Myth of Love".
Because Jiang Spider Pillow thinks that he will be the first person to be excluded.
His past reflections and studies are piled up in his diary, but there is nowhere to show them in reality. The rejected ginger spider pillow from my student days still exists, and the feeling at that time is similar to that now - "punching cotton".
Slippery drop
What woke up the ginger spider pillow was a sentence. One of his female friends said, "We have to fight for human dignity, not for men." ”
Jiang Spider Pillow felt a "buzz" in his head. He realized that what he had been fighting against all along, his "male" role, and that it had nothing to do with the female group. In the past, he struggled with not having a way to prove himself, but now he has discovered that even without intimacy, he can support female colleagues in the workplace, stop misogynistic words and actions, and participate in gender charity. In short, there is an opportunity to distinguish yourself from "those men".
Jiang Zhuzhen has been in inferiority complex for a long time when he was a student, and he needs some fulcrum to convince himself, "I am qualified to be confident." Feminism gave him this fulcrum and allowed him to really grasp the possibility of "winning".
The "male characters" who imprison Jiang Spider Pillow trap men's emotional expressions in a more intimate and silent way.
Stills from "You Who Were Lost by Me".
Li Yu will only digest the sadness alone. As soon as he started working, his parents urged him to buy a house in Chengdu, but his salary was not high, and the housing prices put him under great pressure, and he felt that it was too difficult to gain a foothold in the city, and "there was no hope". He won't confide in others, so he can only find a rooftop to walk around twice, cry, and then wait for the emotions to slowly dissipate.
Friends don't become an outlet for these emotions. When I encounter something sad before falling in love, "I may be autistic directly, you know?" It's just staying in the dorm and not going anywhere." After falling in love, it was only "better", and Li Yu felt that he was not a person who was good at expressing emotions. "I may not want others to know my vulnerable side, I can be confused, but I can't be vulnerable."
"Not good at expressing emotions", 2/3 of the male respondents said the same thing to me. The explanations they give are similar: they don't want to look "childish" and "mother-in-law", and they don't think it's "cool" enough, "chic" enough, "strong" enough - not "man" enough.
This is certainly not a coincidence. In 2015, a documentary called "Inside the Mask" was released in the United States, and director Jennifer Siebell focused the camera on men of different ages to show how they were shaped and hurt by "masculinity". This portrayal comes from parents, from school, and from the ubiquitous pop culture, which is often filled with male characters who are successful, gritty, ruthless, and even violent.
Stills from "Inside the Mask".
The father took on the role of educating "manhood". Ah Qian remembers that as long as he cried as a child, he would be scolded by his father. Once, Ah Qian forgot why he was crying, and his father later asked him to go out and give something to his aunt who lived nearby, in order to "let your aunt see that you are crying and your eyes are red."
When she went out to find her aunt, Ah Qian tried to bury her head, not wanting her to see her face clearly. He felt that crying was a shame for men.
Xu Wei's father was even harsher. When he was crying, his father used the method of beating until Xu Wei stopped crying - at this time, Xu Wei was often a little overbreathing and out of breath. One day as an adult, Xu Wei accidentally dug out his elementary school diary at home, which recorded his experience of learning to ride a bicycle.
In fact, he had completely forgotten about it, and Xu Wei only knew that he had not learned to ride a bicycle until now.
"Machoness" is also a pressure for men to constantly prove themselves. Sociologist Michael Kimmer explains how this pressure works within the male community: "A group of little boys are having a good time, and you just have to ask one question and they can fight: 'Who's a sissy here?' ’”
Stills from "Inside the Mask".
When this pressure collides with intimacy, men split into different images. When friends get together and talk about his girlfriend, Li Yu often acts like he doesn't care, seeing her as a kind of trouble, "It's good that she doesn't come to me this weekend." But in his girlfriend's narration, we will see an affectionate and responsible boyfriend: looking for a job after graduation, he specially chose one closer to his girlfriend's home; His girlfriend's parents are working in other places, and she feels lonely, and Li Yu will cry in distress.
Li Yu gets along well with this division. In front of friends, those words are all "jokes", and this kind of joke is made to pretend to be indifferent and cold, "Brothers are together, don't worry about girls, it's a chic feeling". But he also knew that these jokes should not be heard by his girlfriend.
Tang Yi was troubled by his own division. He actually wants to be serious in his relationship, but because of the eyes of the people around him, if he is serious in front of his friends, they will say, "Are you going around a woman all day?" ”
He sometimes unconsciously falls into this atmosphere. Once, one of them, boy A, quarreled with his girlfriend, and when he was angry, he removed the photo of his girlfriend in the background of his circle of friends, and replaced the couple's profile picture. After everyone found out, they all began to coax, "If you have the ability, don't change it back" and "Like a man", Tang Yi also increased their voice, "If it were me, I wouldn't change it back."
Stills from "Don't Forget I Love You".
Later, A reconciled with his girlfriend, but the background picture and avatar that could be removed really didn't change back. But in fact, everyone knows that A cares about his girlfriend very much, and sometimes he is even a little obedient.
Tang Yi felt "particularly twisted". But the words of his friends are like a tidal wave, and he is always irresistibly swept into it.
And more people feel tiredness. Xu Wei actually pretended to be tired for a long time. When he was a child, his parents required him to be sensible, strong, and excellent, which gradually became his requirements for himself. He realized that he could not fail, not only because his parents did not accept it, but also because he could not accept it. It's like riding a bike, if you fall, don't learn it again.
Xu Wei, who needs to always be excellent, later met the successive failures in his life. In the sophomore class of high school, he failed to get into the best one; was admitted to the college entrance examination, he was not admitted to the ideal Qingbei, but went to Beihang; When he went to college, he tried his best to prove that he was excellent, and he spent most of his time in school during the winter and summer vacations, but by this time he was tired, so he suffered from bipolar disorder in his senior year; Then there was an accident at work, and he was fired.
After returning home from unemployment, my parents are still behaving the same as before. They turned to Xu Wei's problem, feeling that he had caused trouble to others, or to his parents, "After you get sick, we can't hold our heads up in front of outsiders."
Stills from "So Many Years".
Behind the so-called "masculinity" lies a besieged structural oppression, and only the weak, regardless of gender, are eliminated by it.
Under siege, intimacy offers the possibility of stripping away gender roles and gaining respect.
It wasn't until Xu Wei met Lulu that he really gained respect. When Xu Wei confides in her troubles, Lulu does not come up and point fingers like his parents do, but instead believes that he is trying to find a solution, even if she does not fully understand what Xu Wei is going through. Lulu will not be condescending and see Xu Wei as a weakling.
The ginger spider pillow also grasped this possibility. After falling in love and getting married, he has a "feeling of starting anew in life". He attaches great importance to business relationships and will plan and arrange household chores in detail. Since he left work two hours earlier than his wife, he took the initiative to take on most of the household chores. In addition to cooking, washing dishes, and cleaning, he regularly reminds himself to buy groceries, buy consumables such as toilet paper, and discuss with his wife where to go, and he will book tickets in advance.
The reason why "management" is so important is because as a man, "if you don't strictly self-censor, it's easy to go with the flow and expose misogynistic words and deeds in the process of getting along." "Ginger spider pillows, who used to have a tendency to "incel", are therefore more wary of this "slipping".
As with love, the way to this "possibility" is serendipitous and creative. At this time, Fang Ke was stopping in front of its gates.
Stills from "So Many Years".
In the last two years, Fang Ke has found himself hating his father more and more. In the eyes of him when he was a child, his father was very charismatic, capable of work, and motivated. Unlike his mother, who strictly supervised his studies, his father would often take Fang Ke to play ball and swim. Now he has "disenchanted" his father. He found that his father never did housework and rarely devoted time to the family except for taking him to play. The father's contribution to the family is only money, a fixed expenditure of several thousand yuan per month, if the mother wants him to give him any gifts, or Fang Ke wants a little more living expenses, the father is very reluctant.
I don't know if Fang Ke is aware of the resemblance between himself and his father. After arguing with Miao Miao, he felt that he was "unreal", "what he said and believed was one thing, but his actual behavior and deep voice were another." He can cite many reasons to explain this contradiction: he is a lazy person, he does not have enough energy, and sometimes he blames himself, he is too irresponsible, too selfish, too easy to avoid problems.
In the end, Fang Ke put it all down to the fact that he didn't love each other that much. "If I really loved her, she quarreled with me so many times because of housework, I should have changed it a long time ago." He prefers to give up the former rather than bear the pain of changing for the other party, and the pain of changing itself.
A still from "International Market".
I asked him twice, "Would you be afraid to be your father?" ”
The first time he replied that of course he would be scared, and that no one wanted to be what he hated. The second time, his answer became uncertain, because he found that human instinct is to seek advantage and avoid harm.
"You think, how cool it is to be my father's kind of person." Fang Ke said, "If I meet someone who loves housework and is willing to take care of my life in the future, I will definitely be happy, but I don't want to be cheap and sell like him." ”
Becoming a father is less of a pressure and more of a temptation.
There are two paths unfolding in front of the men: one that they can't see clearly and requires them to explicit effort to split the thorns that stand in their way, and the other that has already been determined, and there may be painful moments, but there are also many easy moments, you just have to turn your back, fall down without thinking, and fall.
Inertia will take you in a given direction.