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【Personal Growth and Transformation】
作者：Bella
1 A Circle of Fate?
I don't know if you have noticed a peculiar phenomenon: many bad things in life will always befall a person repeatedly in a similar form, as if people often say, "fate".
Like what:
Some people really recruit villains, often encounter leaders behind his back to put on small shoes for him, colleagues partner to deal with him, obviously they have put in a lot of effort, made a lot of achievements, and in the end the credit has been snatched away by others.
Some people always meet very scumbag people when they fall in love, no matter how sincere and cautious they are, the last relationship always ends with the other party's cheating.
Some people have been very unsuccessful at work, he has done what he should do, he has fought for what he should strive for, and he has learned what he should learn, but he can't get a promotion and a salary increase, and he can't always pass the exam.
Is this really some kind of metaphysics? Is fate really that unchangeable?
If you take a closer look, you will find that this is not an unpredictable "arrangement of fate", but some characteristics that have not changed have been at work.
For example, some people are easy to attract envy, and the result is that the leader has been reluctant to promote him, and his colleagues always take credit for him.
It seems that this is the murderer, but in fact, there is a reason why it is easy to be jealous. First of all, being capable is definitely one thing, after all, no one will be jealous of a person who is about the same level as themselves. But the other reason is that the person can't hide himself. He is so sharp that his excellence will always stab others and always make people feel threatened. In other words, his pattern can't hold his ability, which makes his ability a sword without a scabbard. You always hold a bright sword dangling at others, others must be more vigilant, not to mention that many people are living very insecure nowadays, and when they see others with swords in their hands, they will try their best to break the sword.
In the face of these things, we must learn to look at the problem from the perspective of "right and wrong". We must not always be entangled in "whether the leader is unfair" and "whether the colleague is too bad", because for ourselves, the key is not how to avoid others from making mistakes, but how to avoid other people's mistakes from causing harm to ourselves. In other words, the point is, why do some people always inspire the malice of others, and some people can always inspire the goodwill of others? Why do some people have the ability and others want them to fail, and some people are excellent, but others want them to succeed?
This is not to say that people who are prone to envy are necessarily "wrong" in morality or character. Our pattern must be open, and we must be able to go beyond the simple "just talk about things" and see the needs and desires in our lives. To open up the pattern, we must start with "whether it is right or wrong".
2 How are thoughts and characters formed?
Rightly or wrongly, what has always played a decisive role in similar events?
is a person's mind and character. Let's go back to the example of "people who are prone to envy" mentioned above. You will find that people who are prone to envy have some characteristics in their behavior. For example, he loves to show off, always wants others to see his ability, and he must be praised by others if he makes some achievements. For example, if he wants to get more and does his best in this field, he is not satisfied, and in another field, he still has to do better than others. Do you think, as a bystander, even if you don't envy him, will you feel a little disgusted in your heart?
However, from his point of view, he is unaware of the offense his actions have caused to others. Because he may be such a competitive character, or subconsciously he just wants to get the attention of others and want people to recognize his excellence.
How, then, is a person's mind and character formed? Thoughts and character are certainly not formed spontaneously, but are shaped. We can divide shaping into two types, one is passive shaping and the other is active shaping.
Most people, if not the vast majority of people, accept "passive shaping". Passive shaping is to be influenced by the environment and determined by others.
The most typical example is being shaped by the family of origin. Now we all know that the family of origin has a very big impact on a person's life. Most of a person's personality, habits, and thinking patterns are formed at a very young age.
If parents are responsible, respectful, trusting, and supportive of their children, their children tend to feel secure, assertive, and willing to trust others.
If the parent is irritable, strict, and controlling, the child will easily get into conflict or have difficulty dealing with intimate relationships.
This is not to say that the child will necessarily "follow" the influence of the parents, but there is also the possibility that the child will "go against the grain" of the parents. For example, some parents always kidnap their children morally, always stand on the commanding heights and blame their children, and when there is a contradiction, it comes down to the quality of the child. Then, when the child is sensible, he may be particularly angry at the behavior of moral kidnapping, and this anger will push the child to the other extreme, that is, regardless of morality, no matter what virtues, constraints, and order, as long as he is happy.
It may seem like a "struggle", but do you think it really breaks the influence of the family of origin? Actually, no. This confrontation, this destructive behavior after being kidnapped by anger, is actually the imprint of the environment in which you grew up in a person.
3 Active shaping
Now let's go back to the original question: if we want to put an end to this repetitive bad thing, if we want to live a completely different life, then what else can we do?
In fact, the turning point is an awakening that we begin to realize the role of our thoughts and characters in these repeated tragedies, and are willing to try to make changes, that is, we begin to actively shape our thoughts and characters.
Don't underestimate this process, in fact, most people don't have the consciousness to change when they are old, and they are still continuing their childhood emotions and habits.
Therefore, it is important not only to know that you can change, but also to have the opportunity to change, but also to be willing to make changes.
This "willingness" is the opposite of human instinct. Maybe you are willing to change a bad habit that you have developed and correct a mistake that you have made, but what if this bad habit is the imprint left on you by the environment? What if the mistake starts with something that someone else has done wrong to you? Are you still willing to pay the price for change? Or are you still willing to pay for "someone else's mistake"?
If you're struggling with whether or not to take responsibility for the mistakes that others have made in you, it's hard to make up your mind to make a change. But perhaps, the more attractive point is not "what others have done to me" or "what are the consequences of other people's mistakes", but "what kind of life do I want" and "whether I believe that I can have a happy life".
We are not only working hard for a "better self", but also believing that this "better" will bring us the life we are looking forward to, and even unprecedented satisfaction and joy.
When you find that the future days are really worth our efforts, you are naturally willing to make changes for a better tomorrow.
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[Since you're here, don't go.] Focus on "The Vow" and let's meet again in the next topic. 】