At the age of 40, I still don't have the right to think about what I like!

Mommy OK

2024-04-29 14:41Posted in Zhejiang Parenting Creators

Recently, an article I wrote was transferred to the college classmates group by my college roommates, and this group of old antiques who have eaten ashes for many years has once again moved their muscles.

Many classmates have not had much contact after graduation, and when they get acquainted with each other, they find that they have reached middle age.

Most of the female classmates are mothers, and our topic is naturally inseparable from children, I was surprised to find that some of the classmates have grown up, some of the classmates have both children, and there are three children......

Hearing these news, I will also think, if I had had had a baby earlier, why would it have been necessary to spend physical energy with my son now that I am old. Or how good it would be to have another girl, although I am not superstitious about having both children and daughters, but raising a girl is another experience.

After discussing with my friends in the office, I found that everyone was so enthusiastic about the "alternative choice" of life: those who gave birth to babies early as soon as they graduated, said that they were trapped in the cage before they had enough fun, and those who just gave birth to their first child at the age of 35 lamented that they had no chance to fight for a second child......

I thought of the recently popular Taiwanese drama "We Are Not Kind Enough", which happened to discuss the life of a 40-year-old woman in the "cracks", trapped in the chicken and dog fragments every day, and I will unconsciously think in my heart, is the scenery elsewhere better, and the choice not made is better? But it is difficult to enjoy the present moment, even if they were once their dreams.

Every line and every scene of this drama can poke me, it is not bloody but it is real enough, and it is not deliberately sensational, but it makes me feel pantothenic from the bottom of my heart. It's no wonder that after the TV series aired 2 episodes in the first week, the Douban score rushed from 8.8 points to 9.0 points.

Ariel Lin plays Jian Qingfen, a middle-aged woman with a stable family and career, and Xu Weining plays Rebecca, an older single young woman.

This is another "red rose white rose" story, something that can't be obtained, forever fascinating. But life does not treat everyone well, every situation seems to have a "tailor-made" dilemma, maybe when we are young we choose another path that looks more beautiful, it is not actually paved with flowers.

01

The beginning of the story is very interesting, the two heroines are employed in the same company, and there is a common favorite superior, He Ruizhi, whose birthday is still the same day, and even the dressing style is the same, often embarrassing.

The personalities of the two are completely different, Rebecca has been dependent on her brother since she was a child, and she is maverick and straightforward, while Jian Qingfen is the little sister who was spoiled by her brother, who is clever and cute, obedient and sensible.

He Ruizhi came from a single-parent family, and his mother strongly intervened in his marriage, and she was very unkind to see He Ruizhi's girlfriend Rebecca at the time, and Jian Qingfen's personality was more pleasing to the elderly, so she successfully prying Rebecca's corner and turning He Ruizhi into her husband.

12 years later, Jian Qingfen seems to be happy and stable, with a successful husband, healthy and lively children, a house and a car. But this kind of life has made her very boring, and she has not felt "happy" for a long time, only "day after day" bland.

Even the little luck that makes people laugh is so boring, and the driving force of life is nothing more than a sense of responsibility for a wife, daughter-in-law, and mother.

Boredom, Jian Qingfen remembered the former defeated subordinate Rebecca, and deliberately found her social platform to see how she was doing.

The screen on social networking sites is full of photos full of literary and artistic sense, and life is free and rich:

Rebecca is still single, with outstanding work ability, career freedom, a boyfriend who is nearly 10 years younger than her, and a diary that says "deposit 18 million".

Look at yourself again:

The passion of middle-aged couples has long faded, they want to find their husbands for intimate interaction but are rejected, husband and wife life is just a matter of time, mother-in-law always comes uninvited, instructs and complains about their own lives, insists on going to the class that her husband looks down on every day, and is busy maintaining the operation of life.

"I didn't know until I changed the sheets myself, and how troublesome it was."

The comparison between the two sides is really very different. As long as she is a woman with a normal brain, she will unconsciously envy Rebecca's life.

However, the beauty on Rebecca's social platform is just an illusion, and life has spared no one.

The truth of her life is that the landlord urged her to move out quickly, and the assistant wanted to resign because she was too ambitious, and the studio was called to rent;

ruthlessly bought two designer clothes to please himself, but the clothes rail of the wardrobe was crushed;

She also didn't have a deposit of 18 million, which was just her deposit target;

She doesn't have a little boyfriend, and the photo with the boy is posed.

In fact, she is busy with work and often lonely, and even when she eats, she is reminded by the clerk that she cannot sit at a double table, so she can only go to the bar...... She didn't expect that her hard-working life would become a negative teaching material.

Every day is full of situations, Rebecca hesitated to post a dynamic on social platforms: "There are surprises every day!", which is just a joke and complaint, but it is easy for viewers who are "far away" to misunderstand.

Through the like record, Rebecca noticed that Jian Qingfen was secretly paying attention to herself, and when she saw the photo with her son on her social platform, Rebecca couldn't help but fall into the "hypothetical".

If he hadn't quit at the beginning, he might now be living a stable and happy life like Jian Qingfen, living in his own house, having a husband waiting for him at home, and making five dishes and one soup for his son.

Whether you are married, single, young or middle-aged, human nature is always there, and what you can't get will always make people commotion.

02

In the play, almost all the characters repeat the law of "far fragrant and near smelly", even if they have the "ideal type" they once had, they are still disappointed in reality.

At the beginning, her mother-in-law hated Rebecca very much, and Jian Qingfen's cooking skills would be praised no matter how bad she was. But now when Rebecca is mentioned again, her mother-in-law praises her for being fashionable and beautiful, and she often complains that Jian Qingfen's knife work is not good.

Jian Qingfen also became more and more disgusted with her mother-in-law in the daily friction, and did not hesitate to move to He Ruizhi's house to eat, live and play with He Ruizhi, but after getting married, she was unwilling to live with her mother-in-law.

Husband He Ruizhi is the same, when he was finally promoted, he did not thank his wife for her behind-the-scenes support, but remembered Rebecca's encouragement to him back then.

He Ruizhi really likes Rebecca, but he can't solve the conflict between her and her mother, so he retreats to accept Jian Qingfen, who skillfully resolves the relationship between her mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

Many years later, when He's mother accidentally fell in the bathroom, Jian Qingfen was in a hurry to find the key to her mother-in-law's house, and Rebecca happened to be present to provide the key, so that He's mother could get timely treatment, which once again increased He Ruizhi's dissatisfaction with Jian Qingfen.

Ironically, in the end, it was Jian Qingfen who decided to leave her job and take care of her paralyzed mother-in-law full-time, bathing, feeding, taking medicine, changing diapers, and doing rehabilitation for her every day...... Anyone who has cared for a bedridden person knows how devastating it can be.

But for everything his wife has done, He Ruizhi will only say "thank you" at most.

Rebecca is his "smile in his heart", he will dream of her at night and cry, and every time he hears from her, he is not calm.

Jian Qingfen roared and asked He Ruizhi and herself: "What if it was Rebecca who married you/him in the first place?"

If so, Rebecca may not have done better than Jian Qingfen.

The dilemma of middle-aged people is not something that can be solved by changing one person, often marrying a white rose, TA will become a grain of white rice on clothes, marrying a red rose, but TA will become a mosquito blood on the wall.

Jian Qingfen tried, in order to take revenge on He Ruizhi, in order to give her dismal middle-aged collection a like, she cheated on her mother-in-law's rehabilitation doctor, but in addition to telling her husband the news, she was still unhappy, and her life was even worse.

But she later learned that her husband specially prepared a birthday cake for himself every birthday, and her wedding ring was one size smaller, not because it was not wanted by her ex-girlfriend, but because He's mother found that her hands were too small, and the ring would fall down as soon as she washed her hands, so she specially told her son to make the ring smaller.

Jian Qingfen finally found that her life was happy enough, and seeking an "imaginary enemy" to have some fun for her ordinary life became the biggest stumbling block, so that she who was looking at the front of her on the runway couldn't help but look at the enemy on the other side, and her good life became a mess.

The dilemma of middle-aged people, in addition to those real ups and downs, how many obstacles are created by their own illusions?

03

In today's environment, we are too easily coerced by social media, and we are accustomed to learning about other people's lives through the words of our "circle of friends", and we can easily mistakenly think that others are really much better off than ourselves. What we envy is nothing more than the life that others deliberately present. Of course, we ourselves are constantly creating this kind of "misunderstanding", because no one wants to show their unbearable side to others.

Just like there is a restaurant called "Schrödinger's Cat" in the play, if you don't open the box and witness it with your own eyes, you will never know whether the cat is alive or dead, this is life, it is complex and changeable, and it does not have any established rules, telling you "Do this, you will definitely be able to live better than now." ”

In fact, from the occasional media reports in the past two years, Ariel Lin herself has a similar portrayal of her married life in reality, and onlookers piece together her clues and guess that she is not happy after marriage.

After marrying into a wealthy family, her workload decreased sharply, and her career was tepid, but rumors about her "humble daughter-in-law" and "marriage change" continued.

Some media reported that she got up at 4:30 every morning to cook for her mother-in-law, and respectfully sent her father-in-law to work, and had to take care of everyone's needs when eating with the family.

After 7 years of marriage, she once stopped working to prepare for pregnancy, and tried many scientific methods and even home remedies, but the pressure of childbirth was very high, and she did not give birth to a daughter until 2021.

Her husband has been working outside for a long time, traveling between Taiwan and the United States, and the two have been living apart for 9 years, sometimes until they see each other for three or four months, and from time to time there are media rumors that her husband is cheating on her young model.

She is the beloved Xiangqin Ye of "Mischievous Kiss", the clever ghost Huang Rong of "The Legend of the Condor Heroes", Cheng Youqing of "I May Not Love You", and the queen of Taiwanese idol dramas who has won the Golden Bell TV twice, why did she give up her good development and be willing to be a good daughter-in-law, wife, and mother?

So the outside world has always been full of regrets about Ariel Lin's middle-aged life, and Ariel Lin only had one positive response to these rumors for many years: "I'm not humble, and he's not a scumbag." ”

In response to the points that everyone often guesses, she responded seriously one by one, she said that she has never condescended to the ideas of others or society, nor has she maintained decency for the sake of good face, and all decisions are made in accordance with her heart. "I can also bear the consequences of my choices."

The way the outside world looks at people is becoming more and more easy to label, especially for women, Ariel Lin's label after marriage is "good wife and mother", as if she is just staying at home to take care of her in-laws and children, without herself, but she said "I am not those labels, I am rich and three-dimensional".

Now that her daughter is three years old, 41-year-old Ariel Lin has decided to make a full comeback. Jian Qingfen's selfish and gloomy role is the transformation opportunity she has been waiting for, a role she would never dare to challenge ten years ago, because she was not mature and firm enough at that time.

is only 41 years old, and can understand Jian Qingfen's complex and multifaceted nature.

She also co-starred with Yan Chengxu in the film "Together" and challenged the role of a producer for the first time, boldly exploring the sexuality that Asians are ashamed to talk about.

She is actually not as well-behaved as everyone thinks, so obedient to her elders, such as not following her mother's advice to let her quit the circle.

Becoming a mother is not a regression, but it has broken and disintegrated her body and mind, reorganized and upgraded, and her values, pace of life, focus of life, and life mentality have undergone positive and beautiful changes.

Before, she was very strict with herself and impatient, but when she realized that children are free souls, uncontrollable, and need space, she learned to be slow, learned to be improvised, and was at ease with what happened, and did not have too many expectations, and concentrated on enjoying the happy time with her children.

The years of "career crisis" and "marriage crisis" in middle age are not her low point, but a different way of living and looking for a new attitude.

"If I go back to my teens and twenties, I'm not sure I want to go back. I cherish and enjoy the state I am in now. Growing old is inevitable, but it is also synonymous with becoming richer and more interesting. ”

Ariel Lin once gave Hu Ge a sentence that made Hu Ge cry and moved me, I think it is worth saying to everyone.

"A performer, in fact, including ordinary people, will have times when he is looked up to or despised by others. But I think only he knows how to look at himself at the same level, and then know what kind of person he should be and what kind of person he can be. ”

No matter how wonderful other people's circle of friends is, there is no substitute for the seriousness and love of their specific life situation.

Whether middle age is high or low, looked up to or despised by others, the most important perspective is to learn how to see yourself.

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Personal opinion, for reference only