There seems to be a longing for "absolute normality". We must study conscientiously and honor our parents; we must be self-disciplined, healthy, happy, and have goals; we must be valuable to society, like an adult, and do whatever we do at what age.
In some people's eyes, "normal" is more specific. For example, normal is "having a house of your own", "a long-term stable and happy intimate relationship", "getting married at 30 and having children at 35".
Tania Glyde, a psychotherapist, believes that many people may be convinced that they are "abnormal" because they have been taught for a long time that "certain traits in themselves are unacceptable".
When denying oneself too strongly, they may disconnect from the real other person and create a template in their minds of someone else's "other person's child"—everyone who is popular, successful, and loved.
Normality, becomes a punitive "superego", a perfect good object, a toxic kind of attachment and pursuit – but something that doesn't actually exist.
We once had a conversation about "normality" with Ms. Xu Huiling, a simple psychological counselor and a national second-level counselor.
She told us that many difficulties in life stem from "not being able to give up the expectation of normality". And, is it really possible for us to reach a state of "normality"?
01
The fear of "abnormality" comes largely from "systemic stress"
Simple Psychology: Why do people have the suspicion that they are "abnormal"?
Xu Huiling: When an individual feels different from the surrounding environment, unable to fit in, or even out of place, he may be fed back by others or doubt whether it is normal. Of course, everyone cares about something very different. Broadly speaking, it is very painful for them to feel that a trait is being opposed, criticized or isolated by their environment, and that they cannot change it for a while.
For example, a girl should be virtuous and virtuous, and a boy should be masculine and provide for his family...... These traits of TAs are often at odds with mainstream propaganda, popular standards, and social norms. These standards are tacit, taught, or passed down from generation to generation, hidden in a larger cultural and historical dimension.
At the small group, family level, it is about whether or not your so-called "abnormal" traits are accepted. For example, a girl was admitted to a university in the city. Her surroundings may have changed, people can accept being in their 30s or being single, they can dink, they can not marry...... The environment is more relaxed and diverse.
▷《normal people》
Simple psychology: I found that almost everyone around me has felt "abnormal" to a greater or lesser extent, but people seem to have different sensitivities to "abnormality"?
Hsu Huiling: I tend to think that it has to do with the tension, negativity and hostility of the environment in which we live.
If you grow up in a family that cannot accommodate differences, and you will be punished (negation or annihilation) for this difference, then your desire for normalcy and your fear of abnormality will be greater.
This "accommodatingness" is manifested in how others will treat me when I say something different from others. It's okay not to understand itself, but will you still allow me to exist?
- Behind these questions, there is actually a kind of hostile relationship that is feared. When I behave differently in my environment, does it turn into a kind of persecution, does it not help me survive, does I get no support, no one makes friends with me? Am I going to have to cater to others completely from the outside because of these pressures, and look like others, otherwise my life will not be easy?
This is "systemic tension". In a stressful environment, everyone is worried about being pulled out. In order to protect himself, he desperately seems normal.
In fact, each of us will have a relatively nervous state. For example, when there is a lot of pressure at work and emotional exhaustion, there is not much psychological space to be considerate of others and listen to them. In fact, there are similar states in countries, groups and families, for example, when the husband and wife are in a very tense state, they may be angry with someone, and they will attack and express their anger.
▷ "Wave"
At this time, the children in the family often become a punching bag for the topic. When you make a mistake, you get punched and kicked, and when you do the right thing but are not convinced, you say, "What attitude do you have to contradict me?"
Unfortunately, when a person's traits (especially in childhood) are denied for a long time, we tend to deny ourselves as we grow up.
For a child who often feels excluded in an area of himself, he or she will genuinely believe that part of himself is very bad (and abnormal). But the child may just be a scapegoat in a stressful environment.
Simple Psychology: I read an article in The Lancet Psychiatry that says that feeling "inexplicably different" from others is often a sign of depression. Some patients feel that it is normal for them to have nothing in their life.
Xu Huiling: I didn't hear anyone tell me that I didn't feel anything normal about me, that I hadn't encountered it. Assuming I do encounter it, I might want to ask them specifically what you think is wrong with you, and then what you think you should be.
One purpose of counseling is to help them find their true feelings. How a person speaks and expresses himself externally is not necessarily the same as his or her inner emotions.
For example, "smiling depression" is a happy look but painful inside. So when they say they're normal, it's not clear how they feel.
Simple Psychology: One source of feeling that you are not normal is personality. Take the trait "introvert" as an example: when you need to be social, people will say why can't you let go? When you get home, your parents think that your child doesn't squeak when he sees people? The company counts KPIs, and extroverted colleagues tend to get more bonuses. You will always feel that "introversion" is not right. Why is it so hard for me to do what others can do?
Xu Huiling: Generally speaking, there is a tendency in society to promote extroversion. But while each trait becomes a "defect", there are actually some parts that they are particularly good at, such as being more focused and in-depth in doing things. Of course, a person is not absolutely introverted and extroverted, but shows a certain trait more, such as 70% introvert, 30% extrovert, extrovert in front of some people, introvert in front of others, so it is also related to interpersonal interaction.
Sometimes we don't feel like we're normal, maybe just because we don't fit well with that environment.
I'm also an introvert, and when I meet a friend who is also introverted but easy to talk to, that "nothing is right" becomes "everything is right". You've found a positive motivator.
02
More important than the question of "whether it is normal or not" is "feeling yourself"
Simple Psychology: How Should We Find Our Own "Normal"?
Tsui Wai Ling: Rather than questions about "normality", it is more important to feel your own needs. Then find the kind that matches you and keep creating positive experiences.
A little girl, the aggressiveness in the family in the early years was repressed. She was forbidden to get angry, to cry, to say "no" because there would be a very severe punishment for doing so. Just because this part of her isn't developed doesn't mean that the ability is gone.
When she enters school, enters intimacy, and this part of her is allowed to exist, it can slowly wake up. Although the process can be a bit strenuous, it doesn't mean that the aggression is gone. When she finds a safe and comfortable environment, she can do it tentatively.
▷ "Truman's World"
Counseling relationships also try to provide this positive experience, to find someone to support you and see you. Maybe you can't reject others with confidence in your life, and you may be a little lacking in confidence...... But what matters is the willingness of the TA, does the TA want to make some changes?
Each of us has our own shadows, which may be things that we ignore, don't like, or think are abnormal, and they have great unknown potential. For those people, what is needed is some opportunity.
Simple Psychology: Most of Mr. Xu's suggestions point to "creating a new environment". But what if you can't escape your current environment?
Xu Huiling: The environment is really important. There is a well-known saying in counseling theory: there is no mother without a baby, and there is no baby without a mother. People are not isolated from each other.
But the environment is not only the environment in which we live, but also the "inner homeostasis".
For example, the people in the concentration camps of World War II were almost devastating and difficult to change. But it is still possible to find and create a positive small environment. Maybe it's looking at a flower and taking a big breath in the humid air after the rain. Even if there is really nothing, there are people who create a fantasy to maintain their psychological order.
For an introvert, interpersonal interaction is a lot of the time. But we can find ways to take care of ourselves. Everyone has a different way of charging themselves, such as some solitary space, sitting quietly, listening to music. These spaces may not be occupied, but they can give you a relatively relaxed state.
When you doubt that you are "normal or not", you have to think that we, as human beings, are actually very complex wholes. You can create some richness for yourself, some "mental space" that accommodates different things.
▷ "Soul Journey"
Some of the voices accusing you of being abnormal can really cause distress. I feel as if everyone is pointing fingers at other people's lives on the Internet now, but what does it have to do with him?
So a lot of "anti-PUA" methods are also useful. For example, it's about your, it's about me, don't you think it's just me doing it.
When you are willing to understand yourself, you are less likely to be held back by "right or wrong, right or wrong", but have a space to listen to why you think the way you do and what you actually feel.
When a certain trait is more self-accepting and comfortable for you, it is possible to attract similar individuals and create a positive environment for yourself.
03
What is really "normal"?
Simple Psychology: Having said all this, what exactly is the so-called "normal"?
Xu Huiling: I can think of the normal in my heart: passable, almost, okay, okay, not bad, so-so. When I feel that something is "abnormal", it is actually a reflection of my own dissatisfaction and disacceptance of something.
To put it pessimistically, "nine times out of ten, things don't go as you should in life." But this may be the way life is.
Normal is just a concept. Normality is a thing that changes, and it is impermanence in change.
The real "normal" is:
Everyone has moments of collapse, laziness, short-sightedness, confusion and overwhelm, doubts, anger, illness, and deviations, and in a state of stress and tension, they can tear apart at the same time with several desires and self-doubts.
"Happy, healthy, harmonious, always on the ......" – but when we try to define normalcy in this way, it approaches a "perfect and subjective ideal" and means that there is "right and wrong" in life. Not only is this unrealistic, but it is psychologically restrictive.
This "normality" is a form of tyranny. It's cruel and heartbreaking.
So, stop being normal and just be yourself.
👩🏻🔬
Expect to be in a tense and "normal" environment for a long time,
It is easy to breed anxiety, depression and other emotional distress. If you find it difficult to bear it on your own, you can try seeking professional counselling for help.
Let those emotions that have nowhere to be placed have a space that can be accepted and tolerated. Simple Psychology has launched a new "Professional Matching Counselor System" for 5 minutes, and you can find a suitable counselor for you to click to experience 👇🏻 it for free
Written by: Jianghubian
Editor: Birdman Cover: "Truman's World"