Photo: Sea buckthorn
Spring scenery in Yunnan
When my parents left one after another, I realized the pain of losing the love of my father and mother, and the end of those selfless and ordinary love of my father and mother was a cold and cold loneliness like a cold wind.
I often look around, I am very much like a frog at the bottom of a well, and under the vast sky, I seem to be surrounded by a looming high wall, as if I am being confined in a closed greenhouse. I couldn't help but ask myself, what is the meaning of life?
It was only when my parents passed away and I became an orphan, or someone else's father or grandfather, that I sought and realized the meaning of life. I habitually walk in the countryside of my hometown, dream in the dirt alleys of my hometown, and when I look back at the past again and again, I suddenly realize that the meaning of life is originally for ordinary and simple love. And the end of love, it is terrible and endless loneliness!
In order to live, when I am so busy, I am so busy that I forget the sun, moon and stars above my head, I am so busy that I forget the alternation of day and night, and I am so busy that I forget what season it is...... Forgetting his own existence in this world.
For the firewood, rice, oil, salt, sauce, vinegar and tea busy, know the sweet, sour, bitter and salty taste, know the happy and loving days, whether father's love, mother's love, love, friendship or the mutual love between man and nature, it is actually very clean and simple, as long as I feel it, I can prove that I am still alive, this is the meaning of life, and it is also the reason for walking upright in tomorrow!
That ray of spring
In the Qingming season, the spring is suddenly shining, and the sunshine over the winter suddenly brightens and warms. The weather is hot and cold, and the haggard body is flickering, and I always feel that my body is not as good as before. I don't want to be active in exercising and writing anymore, I always want to lie in bed lazily as if I can't sleep, and from time to time close my eyes and turn over the most familiar past in my mind.
Look outside, the spring sun is idle, reflecting the withered earth for a long, long time, the wind blows a few leisurely white clouds, and occasionally I hear chickens and dogs jumping and scolding children in the house, which makes me feel ashamed.
I couldn't sleep all the time, I couldn't walk anywhere, and I watched the sun involuntarily shift westward. This kind of time soaked day after day, occasionally got up to look out the window, I don't know when a few apricot blossoms grew at the door, I couldn't help but catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, this year's temples are indeed much whiter.
Since I retired, I don't know why, I don't know where to go, what to do? On the day of the Qingming Festival, the naughty weather suddenly warmed up. I always used to squint my eyes and imagine the homeland where my parents gave birth to me and raised me, and I always think of it with a trace of sadness. Only when I lost it, did I know that happiness was very simple, that is, to be able to call Mom and Dad. Since my parents left, it seems that there is no place to pour my bitter water, and I no longer feel at home. Day after day, I lay aimlessly in bed, rummaging through all my acquaintances, and I couldn't find anyone around me who could tell me how I felt.
As of today, I haven't spoken for five days. It is difficult for humans to learn to speak human words, and it is even more difficult to learn not to speak human words.
The fathers of the old home
I lazily lay on the bed, closed my eyes and ears, and thought that the Qingming Festival is an important and even special day in my mind than the Spring Festival. The sun and the moon have been unconsciously almost half a year younger, but I have been busy day and night for most of my life, and today I actually realized how lonely I was, and I couldn't find anyone to talk to in this world. When I was desperate, I didn't know where to go, before and after Qingming, I just wanted to go home, I wanted to go back to my hometown, I wanted to see if the little saplings planted had sprouted, and I wanted to see the familiar back and those reminiscent people.
When I came out of my hometown, I was very young, about fifteen or sixteen years old, and I had been out for a long time, and I had gone to more places, and I felt that I was getting closer and closer to home, and I always wanted to go to the old places of my parents.
I am a very ordinary peasant, I used to be like countless people, I have tried every means to get out of the village, dig out the hollow thinking method to plug in the wings of ideals, out of the mountains and villages to encircle, but the mountains are high and the road is far away, but I can't get out of the loneliness and loneliness that hit my heart, no matter how hard I try, I can't cross the high walls and chasms that are surrounded by those realities, and the lines of tears fall, once again flowing to the barren mountain beams of my hometown, to my father's cemetery.
Especially staying in the home where the wind is impermeable, I always feel that there are high cement walls that I can't see in all directions, like a place where pigs and dogs are kept in captivity, and there is no warmth on the cold and deserted walls. I walked suddenly, the more I walked, the more I couldn't find that kind of family, friendship, love, etc., I couldn't find the love that had father, mother, family and friendship, and the more lonely I went.
Find some love, some people occasionally say that people with love and good are not alone. I love to think, I love my hometown and the people I have come into contact with, and I have spent countless manpower, material and financial resources for this. Always believe: "But do good deeds, don't ask about the future", "Don't be good and small, nothing is small and do it", these two warning sayings are the teachings of my mother since I was a child and the standard of life for life.
Spring buds
Emotions in this life are quite frustrating, perhaps because they think they are emotionally rich, people are said to be like this, the more you can't get something, the more you pay attention to it, the more you have to pursue, so the reason why I value my feelings is related to my bumpy love road. I always thought that "love is a melting pot" that can melt the heart of stone, but in fact, in five days or even five years without words, I finally understood what it means to "play the harp to the cow" and what it means to "divide things into groups and people to gather like like people".
In fact, people's beliefs are always determined by their own class attributes, in fact, I was wrong, I should not "play the piano to the cow", let alone say anything to people with high walls and chasms, rather than this, just like teaching the illiterate "transfer function in the time, frequency, and complex frequency domains" or "Laplace calculus transformation", it is really better to lie in the spring alone, enjoy the loneliness of not talking.
I have heard the word "love house and black", and today I suddenly stood up to each other and thought that the antonym of "love house and black" should be "cold lips and teeth", and more appropriately it should be "evil black burning house". In all things, the advantages are the disadvantages, it is just for whom. Maybe it's because your "merits" are not used to being looked down upon everywhere, and you are useless horizontally and vertically, so they treat you and your loved ones with foul language, foul language, lying on your salary, tasting guts, etc., beating and scolding and abusing people like me to do everything, including my loved ones who are affected like the nine tribes. It turns out that the world without love is the opposite of love and Wu, and if you think about it, you have the idea of escaping or going back to your hometown as soon as possible to visit your parents.
The world was originally very small, and since my parents were gone, and the people who loved me were far away, I realized that I couldn't tolerate dissidents and was arrogant.
Sometimes I think: if I am gone, perhaps there will be no more because of the people I love and the loneliness of the barrenness. In fact, I am willing to close my eyes and recuperate, I would rather never speak, and I would like to leave the end of love, and never see each other, and I don't want to face the ugly faces.
I have been lying on the bed for a long time, the tea and rice are not fragrant, and I just want to find a place to pour out the bitter water in my stomach. Recently, I happened to have this mouth of teeth not obeying the call, when I eat something, I always can't bite the food, but always want to bite my tongue, I want to get up, just go to repair the teeth, because this is a tooth that will be lost sooner or later, and more importantly, I think of a small person who opens a dental clinic, maybe I can grit my teeth and say a word to him, otherwise I will hold the words in my stomach for five days, and after a long time, I am afraid that I will suffocate myself.
Winter in my hometown
Riding the warm breeze and the much warmer sunshine, I walked on the path that had just returned to green and walked into the small clinic. When the tooth was extracted, I found that my little old friend was as old as me, the old eyes were dizzy, not to mention, he also had a little cerebral infarction, although he was highly skilled in the clinic, but Leng forced me to say a sentence in pain: "Oh, my mother!", it seems that when I am in pain, or happy, I can always do without the unique love of my parents, and I can always put the love of my parents who love me the most.
Walking out of the clinic, the sun is still idle, the sun has shifted a lot, and at this moment I want to go to my hometown, which is the place where my soul leaves and settles, although there is a walled village on all sides, but there are traces of my parents who I miss.
When I was a child, I loved to dream the most, and my biggest dream was, of course, to be an official, and the purpose of being an official was, of course, to eat and drink spicy food and make a fortune. Township head, county head, store manager, parents, class leader, group leader, etc., as long as they take the head, that is the earliest dream, so when I was in elementary school, my classmates called me the nickname "county magistrate", I was very happy to hear it, and secretly happy. As the saying goes, being an official doesn't have a long, and you don't fart loudly. Of course, the dream of becoming an official and making a fortune is a bad idea that forced me to think of because the social living environment was particularly poor. When I arrived at university, I may have been born a good teacher, and I always like to give lectures to my classmates, and since then my classmates have given me another nickname "professor", in fact, the wall of reality finally positioned me in the position of my favorite "professor", and in the end, my favorite thing in this life is not to be an official, but to be a "professor" who specializes in technology or thinks about problems and solves puzzles.
When I was a child, I tried my best to get out of the village, put on the wings of ideals, and get out of the encirclement of reality, but the mountains are high and the road is far away, and I can't get out of the loneliness and loneliness for the rest of my life........
I miss my little foot aunt who was the same age as my father
The sun outside was idle, shining on the withered earth for a long, long time, and the wind was blowing a few leisurely white clouds, and I was bored to endure the wind and the wind, and endure the loneliness of having nothing to say.
When I was bored, I was very willing to think about my familiar relatives while lying in bed, and there were fewer and fewer people who could resonate with me. I continue to think about my mentors Master Liu, Uncle Kang, and Master Yan after joining the work, they are all old for more than 40 years, and I will never leave them, and I want to hear their teachings the most. Only them and me, there are no gaps and high walls, I am actively planning, looking forward to communicating with them without high walls and gaps, and passing on the friendship between people.
Homeland
Author: Lu Youcheng, pen name, sea buckthorn. Senior engineer. In addition to his profession, he likes philosophical poetry.
Issue 05 of 2024
Edit: Ordinary heart
Issue 05 of 2024