Text/Lan's mother talks about parenting
Really good parents are never obsessed with one way of educating their children, they know how to change the way of education, and they also know how to combine strategies to deliver useful value to their children
Last weekend, my best friend Wenwen came to me for "refuge".
In her words, her daughter, who is in the first year of junior high school, thinks she is annoyed and doesn't want to be in charge anymore
As for the day of school last Friday, because she came home 20 minutes later than usual, she casually nagged:
"Why are you 20 minutes late today? Are you going to the store with a classmate again, let me tell you, no matter what you fancy it, I won't give you money anyway, so die of that heart as soon as possible."
It was because of these words that the child was anxious on the spot, and the mother and daughter did not let each other go
In the end, in a hurry, her best friend was shouted by her daughter and said:
"Why are you so annoying?"
"You better go to work, stay at home all day and get out of the delusions"
"Mothers, they all go out to work when their children are older, so why don't you go out"
It can be seen that between the lines, these words reveal a child's boredom with his mother
It's no wonder that girlfriends are so angry that they leave home, and if they are really there, I'm afraid it's difficult for parents to deal with it gracefully
And when my best friend came to me, she couldn't figure it out, and she was always entangled: "Why do you pay for your child wholeheartedly, but in the end it annoys your child, is it really a white-eyed wolf?"
It can also be seen that the best friend is working very hard to nurture her daughter, but she is unable to establish a good relationship with the child and is at an impasse
At this time, the child is also in the rebellious stage, and it is a very challenging thing to establish friendly communication with the child and repair the parent-child relationship
Here, Lan Ma suggests that everyone learn more about what the "own person" effect is
Because really good parents never go toe-to-toe with their children, they know how to use wisdom and know how to build trust with their children based on their physical and psychological characteristics
In particular, the following 5 communication rules are the best guidance for children in the "own person effect":
01
Attach a zipper to your mouth
Listening and companionship are the best loves
All the children are not suddenly strained in their relationship with their parents, they were also the children who were full of parents in their eyes before
Girlfriends are like this, and the most incomprehensible thing for her is that her daughter likes to share and chat so much when she is in kindergarten
Especially after school from kindergarten every day, there are always endless whispers, even if I meet an ant on the way home, I am surprised to pull my mother to watch together
And now that her daughter is so distant and tired of her, it will inevitably make people feel panicked
In order to repair the relationship with her daughter, she is impatient to explain something every time she sees the child
But after really seeing my daughter, I couldn't help but look at her problems
Thus, interpretation becomes accountability
The first sentence when I saw my daughter also became:
"Why are you..."
I don't know how many times I've said this, why you just can't remember it"
It's just that such accountability is nothing more than pushing the child further
I remember that there is a "McLabin" rule in psychology, which is based on the principle that what you say is more important than what you say
And the way people communicate with each other is not just to speak
In the book "Positive Discipline", there is such a classic example
The protagonist is a father who, ever since his son was in high school, has often been bickering without speculation
As soon as they talk, they argue, and when they argue, they like to turn over old accounts, keep sarcastic, and then hurt each other
This went on for a long time, until the father got the teacher's advice in a homeschooling class: if you want to talk to your child well, stop and spend time with your child
At first, the father was also skeptical, and every Wednesday and Sunday, he took advantage of the break to cook a hearty meal for his son
At first, for two days in the first week, father and son ate their own food and were silent
But in the second week, the son, who had never spoken well, suddenly came to his father and asked, "What are you eating today?"
It was from that time that the father really believed in the saying that "companionship changes the child".
This is the "McLabin" rule in which method is greater than language
When your child doesn't want to listen to you, nothing you say can move your child, and when your child is willing to listen to you, you can keep your child in your heart by saying anything
Therefore, the first step in building a good relationship with your child is to put a zipper on your mouth
Especially when your child is irritable and irritable, don't say anything, close your mouth and accompany quietly, and then listen to your child's words, and when your child needs you, he will naturally take the initiative to ask for help
Loving children first gets the favor of children, and truly regards children as their most important people, which is also the first step in the "own people" effect
02
Say what your child wants to hear
Talk about the stupid things and bad things you used to have
If you think about it carefully, all the estrangement between parents and children is most likely due to the inner dissatisfaction of being criticized and blamed
Lan Ma herself has been deeply involved in it
In order to educate my daughter better, I have always believed that "good children start from a young age"
Every time there is something that I don't do well, I will also nag over and over again, the purpose is to make the child realize the mistake and correct it
But as for the daughter, the older she is, the more rebellious she becomes, and the older she becomes, the more disobedient she becomes
Once, after the final exam, he willfully said to me: "I want to go to a restaurant to wash dishes, I can support myself, and I can educate myself well"
At that time, my first reaction was anger and a little sarcasm, and I began to beat my daughter and said: "As long as you still wash the dishes, it is like bullying you to let you wash the dishes at home, besides, you are only so old, which restaurant dares to accept you"
Unexpectedly, these words completely angered my daughter
She angrily locked herself in her room all day, not eating, drinking, and not wanting to pay attention to people
And after calming down, I was also deeply ashamed of what I said
When I was a child, my father used to hit me with similar words, and at that time, my heart felt like I was being emptied, I couldn't do anything, and I felt that I couldn't do anything
The same is true when you grow up, many things that have already been decided are hesitant in front of you, and you end up wasting time and energy
Thinking about it now, how can I bear to let the former scene happen to my daughter again
So, after my daughter was calm, I solemnly apologized to her
can admit mistakes and admit mistakes, since I experienced the wall of being disliked, I also realized that raising children conforms to human nature
Adults don't like to listen to criticism and bad words, and children are the same
After realizing this, combined with the efficiency of "my own people", I thought of using my past troubles to stimulate children's correct cognition
Let's take her daughter's final exam results as an example, her rebellion was originally intended to cover up the truth of "not doing well in the exam".
And I also took the opportunity to talk about the mess that I once failed to do well in the exam, and was beaten by my father for secretly tampering with the scores
We talked for a long time that night, and the biggest gain was that my daughter stopped being-for-tat, and took the initiative to read the text aloud before going to bed, and then packed her school bag
This is the second point of treating children as their own people, telling children about the stupid things they have done, this is not a shame, but an opportunity to build spiritual cognition with children while reliving the taste of childhood
Before educating children, expose their own shortcomings, this "own person" effect will help children eliminate their parents' defenses and misunderstandings, and will also learn from certain experiences to help children make decisions that are best for them
03
A different way of communicating
Write post-it notes to convey affection and remind children
Children who are reluctant to communicate with their parents generally inadvertently touch the child's scales, which you may think is irrelevant, but it is extremely resistant and disgusting to the child
There was a 15-year-old boy who once wrote this paragraph in his notebook:
I really envy those soft-spoken mothers, my mother is really the most annoying in the world, she keeps nagging every day, listening to her during the day, and having nightmares at night
When the mother saw this, she was indignant and found her son
She said, "Is it okay if I don't nag? I can't watch you make mistakes, can I? I do this for your own good, why can't I understand my good intentions?"
Obviously, the boy could not understand, let alone accept, his mother's approach
The only thing he can do is vent his frustration in his notebook
Now, the only clean place has been discovered by his mother, and the boy only feels that he is almost out of breath when he is depressed, and the conversation with his mother is becoming more and more impatient
When I was a child, I went up to the mountains with my grandfather to herd cattle, and every year in spring, autumn, and summer, the cattle in the fields became extremely irritable and liked to attack people
Grandpa told me that it was because there were ticks on the cow that were sucking blood
And this thing, every time they suck blood, they secrete a nerve toxin, causing the cattle to be uncontrollably irritable
Sometimes they run inexplicably, also in an attempt to get rid of these ticks
This is similar to the legendary Mustang effect, which is actually an uncontrollable emotion after being disturbed
It's the same thing with our children
In many cases, it may not be how bad the child is, but our control and requirements for the child to "can't help but say".
At this time, if you don't want to lose your responsibilities and don't want to lose your children's closeness and trust in you, the best way is to do what your children want to do and form an alliance with them
Among them, "Reading Adolescent Children" provides a coping strategy, that is: leave post-it notes for children
In other words, every time we remind our children to do something, we leave a detailed description on a post-it note
This is easier to calm emotions and make people accept than the criticism that parents open their mouths
The most important thing is that if parents can't control their emotions, then the child will also fall into an emotional crisis
The note conveys not only the love of the parents, but also the stable emotions, including valuable information reminders for the child
04
Respond carefully to your child's words
Don't respond perfunctorily with "um", "oh"
The relationship between parents and children can never be dependent on one-way giving, and what is the relationship between you and your children can be seen from the usual response attitude
There is also a mother who had a good relationship with her daughter before
Later, because I was busy with work, I couldn't go home often to accompany my children, and the relationship gradually became estranged and cold
Not long ago, because my daughter didn't answer calls or send messages because of her living in school, the only time I took the initiative to contact was that there was no living expenses in the school lunch card
Such a mother-daughter relationship made her feel very depressed, and even suspected that her daughter had learned badly from some indiscreet friends
However, every time she talks about this topic, the child doesn't give her a chance to continue talking, blocks her when she doesn't say anything, and runs away from home at every turn
Later, in order not to continue to stimulate her daughter to do more rebellious things, the mother did not press forward step by step
She chose to keep her mouth shut and wait until her daughter needed her, and at that time her daughter spoke in a slightly better tone and was not prone to quarrels
But once, my daughter asked her irritably: Can you not always say "um", "oh", "okay", just me is talking alone, you make me very shameless
It turns out that the daughter is not rebellious because she hates her mother, but she keeps causing trouble because she longs for more attention from her mother
It wasn't until the mother realized this and corrected it that the relationship between their mother and daughter was quickly eased
This is the importance of listening carefully and responding carefully, and if you let your child feel the importance of being treated, then they will naturally have more confidence in their positive hearts
05
Imagine your child as yourself
What would you do if you were to do this
Some people say that the success of parenting is that when children are adolescence, they can talk to them
Obviously, this is particularly important
A mother once asked for help on the Internet and said:
I don't understand why twelve or thirteen-year-olds seem so innocent, but when they talk to their parents, they don't have a word of truth, is it all natural to lie
Not to mention, lying is like a child who doesn't want to get up, and it is inevitable that there will be several times in life
But if we don't allow these things to happen, the child will be tied up and will quarrel with his parents
In addition to lying to his parents, he is addicted to playing games, skipping class, and openly contradicting teachers, which are almost all common things
And every time I talk about these problems, my mother has a sad face, as if she is also thinking about how to say sarcastic words
Later, when sarcasm, criticism and nagging did not work, but made the child more and more rebellious, he chose to empathize
After talking back to the English teacher again, she no longer followed the sarcasm, but talked about her mixed behavior against the teacher back then
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In the end, the mother did not forget to tell her son: "I can understand you, if I stand in your position now, I may be more irritable than you, or even inferior to you"
With the surprise flashing in the child's eyes, it also means that the son is slowly accepting her as a mother
Later, when my son encountered a lot of things that could not be solved and was irritable, he liked to complain to his mother and ask for help
That's what empathy is all about
You understand the child's feelings, and you can see their demands through the child's rebellion, which is the most direct way to enter the child's heart
This mother's approach, in traditional terms, is to compare hearts to hearts, also known as role reversal
We also need this balance to communicate and get along with our children, and to understand the behavioral motivations behind our children, so that we can make reasonable suggestions, and finally convince our children without beating or scolding
So, what are the different suggestions and opinions on the good communication and guidance of the "own people" effect? Welcome to leave a message in the comment area to share!