There is a very popular talk show on a certain station, and an actress laughs and says that because she is a girl, she has been disliked by her parents.
At that time, her birth was not in her parents' plans, and she was a girl, and her parents were very cold towards her, not to mention that she could feel the warmth of father's love and mother's love.
She once felt that she was a burden to her parents, a dispensable existence for her parents.
Although she used comedic language to tell her experience, and the whole show was full of memes, many people, laughing and laughing, cried.
It turns out that the core of comedy is really a tragedy.
What's even more heart-wrenching is that countless women who are not expected to come to this world have grown up in an environment where they are not loved, and until today, they continue to experience the hardships and sorrows of life.
"Born a girl, I'm sorry"
A few days ago, I went to a party at my friend M's house, and in the process of chatting, I learned that she had recently fallen in love with eating pickled cucumbers.
This can't help but remind me of Concubine Hua in "The Legend of Zhen Huan", who "begged for a son but couldn't".
"I heard that pickled cucumbers can create an alkaline body environment, which is good for giving birth to boys. Another friend said.
Everyone asked M if she was planning to have a second child, she sighed and said: "I really don't want to have another child, and you don't know the sin I suffered when I gave birth to a child, but I am really preparing for pregnancy recently." ”
Source: Visual China
Friend M's first child chose a caesarean section, but the confinement sat badly, and every rainy day, the incision would be painful and itchy, and it was miserable.
Every time she has a seizure, she will confide in everyone in the group, how difficult it is to have a child, and she will never give birth again.
Finally, the child was older, and after recuperation, the wound was much better, but she began to prepare for pregnancy and wanted to have a second child.
Looking at the pickled cucumber on the table, a curious friend tasted it and frowned together, but friend M ate one after a while, as if he was tasting a delicacy.
Everyone looks at her infatuation with sour cucumbers, and it is difficult not to think of Concubine Hua who wants to have a boy. Even though she knows it doesn't have to be backed by science.
Source: Visual China
My friend's first child was a daughter, and my friend's in-laws were taking care of it.
At the party, my friend showed us the recent photos of the little girl, saying that she hadn't seen her for half a month, and the child had grown a little taller and wore two small pigtails, which made people's hearts soft.
"You don't have a job now, and your body is almost recovering, why don't you keep the child by your side?"
"I'm afraid that I won't be able to take care of children, and my parents-in-law like children, and the old couple has nothing to do, so let her follow her grandparents." ”
Friend M said as he flipped through the photo album to show everyone the photos of his grandparents playing in the park with their children.
Obviously, he has time to spend with his children and has the ability to take care of them, but when he mentions picking up the children, his friend M is embarrassed.
Combined with the pickled cucumber incident, we can't help but wonder: "Could it be that your mother-in-law forced you to have a second child?"
Seeing that everyone was indignant and was about to rush out, my friend told the truth.
Source: Visual China
In fact, it is not her in-laws who want her to have a second child, but her mother who wants her to have a second child.
Her mother felt that no son had no status in her in-law's family, and she was afraid that she would be disliked by her in-laws, so she gave her the idea that she could eat pickled cucumbers to prepare for pregnancy.
Hearing this, I suddenly realized, why would M rather endure the physical injury of a caesarean section and insist on trying to get pregnant? Why is he reluctant to take his daughter to his side even though he misses him so much?
This kind of performance actually stems from her subconscious disagreement with female identity, and this disagreement is inherited from her mother from generation to generation.
They are victims, but because they are not aware of and see this pattern, they accidentally become "perpetrators" who harm themselves and their daughters.
If you are not expected to be loved, it is difficult for identity to exist
Recalling when he was a child, M realized why he was swayed by his mother's opinion.
When M was a child in a rural family, his grandparents especially wanted a grandson, but his mother gave birth to two daughters one after another, and when he was pregnant with M, everyone in the village thought that he could give birth to a male baby.
As a result, when M was born, she was still a daughter, which caused her grandmother's extreme dissatisfaction and her mother's extreme anxiety.
Because grandma said before that if she couldn't have a son, she would advocate for her parents to divorce and let her father find another woman who could give birth to a son.
In the shadow of this sentence, the arrival of M shattered grandma's fantasy and made my mother's hanging heart completely cold.
The unexpected birth and the feeling of not being loved, along with M's growth, caused M to have a very low self-esteem, and she often wondered if she should come to this world.
Source: TV series "It's All Good"
In the long run, M subconsciously felt that the girl was wrong.
This subconscious effect made her reluctant to accompany her daughter, and it also inspired her to have a strong desire to have another son rather than endure physical pain.
In fact, when women do not identify with their identity, it will not only affect the parent-child relationship and intimacy, but also have an impact on the shaping of self-worth.
For example, in marriage, I always can't help but compete with men, and I want to behave like men, or even surpass men—I must be better than my husband, and I can do what my husband can do.
Repairing water pipes, carrying heavy loads, working hard to earn more than men, etc., in a state that is not what you like, to have an exhausting competition.
Prompted by this negative emotion, some women will unconsciously hold grievances for themselves by belittling each other, unconsciously suppressing the other half and denying the other half.
The disagreement with women's identity presents such a contradiction in this type of woman:
Obviously wants to be an independent woman, but with men's courage and fortitude as a reference, it is difficult to balance the two parts of men and women in their hearts.
It seems that they want to escape, but in fact, they are deeply entangled in it, and the most uncomfortable in their hearts is themselves.
Source: Visual China
And these women who are not expected and have not been loved well will have another performance:
Trying to prove yourself all your life.
For example, after entering the society, because I can't feel the love of my family, I work hard every day to make money, I want to get ahead as soon as possible, and use my career to prove my worth: I am better, and someone will love me.
In the book "Because I'm a Woman", the author proposes that girls who are rejected by their mothers will spend their lives proving their worth.
Their hearts are still shrouded in "I'm not good enough", so prove themselves through the outer aura.
Behind the proof, there is actually a desire to be loved, seen, and expected.
For the growth of women themselves, the saddest thing is this:
Because of their disagreement with women's identity, they are unable to display their feminine charm.
But no one needs to apologize for their gender, let alone be ashamed of being a woman.
Every adult has the opportunity to re-see our own existence, and every woman is unique.
Only when we learn to deeply identify with and fully accept our feminine qualities can we release our own unique vitality and live the beauty and grace of being a woman.
Accept yourself and embrace your feminine identity
Writer Zhang Defen said: "When we really exert the unique energy of women, we can bloom like flowers and live our true and comfortable appearance." ”
So what can be done exactly?
Take care of your body like a baby.
You can immerse your body in a highly soft environment from time to time, such as listening to classical music, dancing, doing yoga......
Learn to relax instead of rushing around with your body as a tool every day.
Source: Visual China
Only when you truly connect with your body, experience your inner feminine strength, and accept yourself from the inside out, will your feminine energy flow, and you will feel joy and beauty because you are a woman.
There are two forces that exist within each of us: male power and female power.
Only when the masculine and feminine energies in our body are balanced with each other can our hearts be stable and strong.
Every woman who is not expected to grow up is like an onion inside, and there is a layer below the layer.
We need to see the deepest parts of our hearts, see our own vulnerability and strength, and then carefully mobilize them and let them flow naturally through your body.
Stay with that feeling of not being loved, and at the same time, face up to your desire for masculinity.
Source: Visual China
Only when we correctly recognize the differences between men and women, and balance the conflict between the two forces in our hearts, can we smoothly enter into intimacy and enjoy intimacy.
The body is our closest friend, storing a huge amount of information and resources for us.
The identity of women contains our unique charm, and only by truly accepting it can we live a happy and beautiful life.
Finally, the value of life is not limited to the gender of men and women, but depends on how one deals with this gender difference.
Learn to fully accept and let the power of life flow continuously, so that you can live the joy of being a woman.
Zhang Defen Space (ID: tefenchangpublic5), founded by the well-known writer Ms. Zhang Defen, shares the concept of self-responsible personal growth, advocates a mental health lifestyle, and helps readers to make positive changes.