Written by / First Psychology Writers
Editor / Tommy
There is no doubt that the family of origin plays an important role in shaping a person's view of marriage.
"The lucky man is healed by childhood all his life, and the unfortunate man is healed by childhood all his life".
This famous quote from the psychologist Adler has been widely circulated in various online literature and film and television works,
Because the family is the cradle of the soul, responsible for shaping the values, character and outlook on life of the individual.
According to a study by a marriage counseling agency in the United States,
The results of this study clearly show that the influence of the family of origin on intimate relationships is clear.
As a father, when his daughter entered the marriage hall, he was worried and told him layer by layer.
From the perspective of those who have come before, fathers will emphasize that when choosing a lifelong partner, it is not only necessary to observe the personality and character of the other person, but also to have an in-depth understanding of the family of origin, especially the way their parents get along.
A father said to his daughter from the bottom of his heart: Your boyfriend comes from the following types of families, and no matter how good you are, you have to be cautious:
Families with domestic violence
A sense of security is one of the most precious gifts a family can give to a child.
According to the humanistic psychologist Maslow's theory, the basic feelings that the family should provide include trust, security, and freedom.
If parents are absent in this regard, the child will feel nowhere to vent in the face of external pressure, and psychological problems may follow.
Many adults who feel insecure in their marriages often have their roots in domestic violence experienced in childhood.
While family quarrels and violence may be the norm for some parents, for children, they can be a source of lifelong trauma and fear.
In the popular book of psychology "Reconciling with the Family of Origin", this view is recorded:
If children grow up in an environment that lacks healthy love and witness parental quarrels and violence, they may grow up to be too withdrawn from relationships between men and women, afraid to confront their own feelings, and even less willing to face marriage.
Beverly Engel, a famous American psychotherapist, described this phenomenon in his book It's Not Your Fault:
If a person has been subjected to physical, verbal, or emotional abuse during childhood, there is a good chance that the person will grow up to be a person with a particularly strong sense of shame.
What we commonly think of as domestic violence includes physical assault and verbal insults, and many may think that these are just a few family problems. But Engel points out that many seemingly normal family behaviors can actually be a form of abuse of children.
For example, when parents find out that their child is in early love, they may express their dissatisfaction by abusing, blaming or belittling the child, which is psychologically a form of torture for the child.
Such abuse not only does not give children a proper understanding of puppy love, but may deepen their feelings of shame and make them think that it is abnormal to be interested in the opposite sex, thus developing a strong sense of shame.
A family where the mother is too strong
The interaction pattern of the family has a profound impact on the future married life of the child.
心理学中将此称作“代际传递”，
That is, the son or daughter of the original family will observe and learn the family role of the father or mother, so that in the new family life, according to the characteristics of the parental role in the original family, the role of husband or wife.
In particular, if the mother behaves too much in the family and dominates, it may lead to problems in emotional dependence and personality independence when the child grows up, a situation known as psychological failure to "effectively wean", which manifests itself as dependence on the mother and the lack of independence of personality.
The maturity of the personality is directly related to the child's ability to grow up healthily and adapt to social life as an adult, including establishing intimate relationships and engaging in social activities.
If children grow up feeling that their mother's role is too strong, they may have difficulty establishing personal boundaries,
Because they grew up in a family environment without clear boundaries, mothers are overly interfering and controlling in their children's lives, which makes it difficult for them to establish boundaries between themselves and others in their married life when they grow up.
Single parent families
For children growing up in single-parent families, they often feel powerless and difficult to build intimate relationships.
They often see their family background as part of their personality and see it as their own flaw, which leads to feelings of inferiority and fear in their married life.
This fear and inferiority complex may lead them to be both cold and overly enthusiastic in their relationship handling, avoiding deep emotional communication for fear of being hurt and showing excessive enthusiasm for attention and love on the other.
It is mentioned in the book "The Family of Origin",
We should not bring traditional stigma into personal feelings, nor do we need to treat single-parent families as negative labels. This labelling mentality can lead people to think that single parenting is a failure, which is unjust.
In the "neighborhood effect" theory of psychology, we understand that most people's relationship and marital patterns tend to mimic those of their parents.
While love is about two people, marriage involves the union of two families. Before deciding to spend the rest of our lives with someone, we should not ignore the profound impact that the family of origin can have on the marriage.
The End -
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Key words in this article: family of origin, psychology
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