A mother's reflection: If I can raise my daughter again, I will never step on these 4 pits again

Hello everyone, I'm Cuckoo~

A mother told me that she had stepped on too many potholes on the way to raise her daughter. If she could turn back time, there were some things she would never do again.

Bao's mother said that she cared too much about other people's opinions, for fear of being called an incompetent mother.

So every time I take my daughter out, I always ask my daughter to be meticulous and not have any stains on her body.

Whenever her daughter was having fun with her children, she kept shouting "Don't mess with that, it will mess up your hair" and "Don't squat, it won't look good when your clothes are wrinkled".

My daughter is often anxious, and slowly becomes cringe, afraid to play with her peers, and only watches from afar.

Bao's mother recalled her parenting experience and was full of regrets. She reflected that if I could raise my daughter again, I would never step on these four pits again.

One: Let your daughter be "ladylike"

In fact, my daughter's nature is still very active. She likes to laugh, she likes to play with mud, and she likes to shout when she is happy.

But Bao's mother often stopped her: "You have to be a lady, otherwise others won't like you." ”

The phrase "you want to be ladylike" is a hint to your daughter that you should behave gently and deferentially, and should not express your feelings or personality freely.

If a daughter is restricted from expressing her true self for a long time, it may lead to a suppressed sense of "self-identity".

She may feel that she has to hide her true self in order to meet the expectations of others. You may even think that in order to be liked, you must first cater to others and become what others want to be.

Over time, she will be tired and careful. I am afraid that when I express my true self, I will be evaluated and blamed by others, and think she is not good.

Suppressing "self-identity" may also lead to low self-esteem, always feeling that she is not good enough, anxious, worried about being said, or not able to handle interpersonal problems.

When raising a daughter, we better encourage her to be her true self, cry when she is sad, laugh when she is happy, and scream when she is excited.

Only when a child expresses her emotions and feelings freely can she grow up healthily.

Two: I want my daughter to be sensible, well-behaved, and obedient

Bao Ma said that once, several mothers took their children out to play together.

The daughter brought a yo-yo, and as a result, several children rushed to play. But my daughter wants to play by herself for a while and then share it with her friends.

But the children argued and pulled the yo-yo and didn't let go.

At this time, Bao's mother persuaded her daughter for the sake of face: "You have to be sensible, you have to be well-behaved, let everyone play with this first, and then you can play when you go home." ”

The daughter's face was full of grievances, and tears rolled in her eyes, but in the end, she still let go.

Bao's mother thinks about this afterwards, and always blames herself, how good would it be if she could stand on her daughter's side at that time and not let her be wronged?

Winnicott once said: It is sad if a man is too sensible and thus loses his wildness.

Raising a "sensible" child, we will feel that he is very worry-free and easy to manage. But behind the child's sensibility, it may not be intimate, but timid.

Because she was afraid that her mother would not love her and that others would not accept her, she would rather wronged herself than say "no" firmly.

Behind being too sensible and well-behaved, it may be the child's submission and forbearance.

We can teach our child the rules and let him build good habits in the rules. But you can't blindly make him "sensible" and "well-behaved".

The child ended up living as others wanted to be, not himself.

Three: Restrict girls' activities, saying "girls should be like girls"

While playing in the park, Cuckoo saw a little girl climbing a tree with a group of boys, and several children shouted and laughed, and climbed up with their hands and feet.

The girl's grandmother crossed her hands on her hips and tilted her head to reprimand the girl on the tree: "Come down, you are a girl! A girl should look like a girl, how can you look like a boy?"

The phrase "girls have to be like girls" is actually invisibly labeling girls: you can only do what everyone thinks girls can do.

This gender stereotype limits a girl's potential.

The girl's big grin, eclecticism, and competitive spirit may make her an excellent athlete, shooter, and researcher in the future. But because of our limitations, she may avoid "boyish activities" on the way to growth, thus missing opportunities.

To raise a girl, we need to get rid of stereotypes and let her play to her nature and strengths, and shine in the field she loves in the future.

Four: Tell your daughter "If you don't do housework, what will you do if you get married in the future?"

watched a variety show before, and my daughter called her mother, saying that she did all the housework at home and wanted to take a break.

Unexpectedly, her mother replied to her: "A girl just wants to do household chores, otherwise if you get married in the future, do you want your husband to help you cook?"

The girl asked rhetorically, why can't her husband do housework?

But the mother insisted that if the girl didn't do housework, her husband wouldn't be in the future, so what should happen to this family?

Cuckoo's mother usually hears the older generation talking to girls: "If you don't do laundry and cook at home, what will you do if you get married in the future?"

In our traditional thinking, laundry and cooking are the responsibility of the wife.

Therefore, when we raise our daughter, we unconsciously ask her to take responsibility for housework, and we do not deliberately let our son do it.

But we lose sight of the true meaning of housework.

Most directly, children are involved in housework from an early age, and can exercise their fine motor skills and coordination skills. He can learn to solve problems positively and inspire a love for life.

And, through housework, children learn basic life skills and develop independence and self-care skills.

Children can also develop a sense of responsibility by taking on family responsibilities. This will be of great benefit to his future life and his marriage and family in the future.

However, when our definition of housework is limited to "good wife and mother" and "serving the family", it reinforces the concept of gender roles and is unfair to both boys and girls.

Especially for girls, when they hear words like "you can't get married if you don't do housework", she may think that her efforts, achievements, interests, etc. are not important, and her future value is in housework and marriage.

Daughters also mistakenly believe that their future duty is to serve their husbands and families, rather than to establish equal, divided, and respectful family relationships with their families.

Housework and cooking should encourage children to become independent and self-sufficient people, rather than a burden that destroys children's self-confidence and self-esteem.

Therefore, if we usually want our children to do housework, we can divide and cooperate with our children and do it together. Rather than adding their marriage and gender roles to housework in the future.

Raising girls, we will inevitably step on some pitfalls. Have you stepped on the above 4 pits?

[The picture comes from the Internet, invaded and deleted]

About the author:Cuckoo mother, psychological counselor, family education instructor, marriage emotional counselor, focusing on children's psychology, understanding children's easy parenting, if you like it, pay attention to it~