She can understand what her mother did back then, but it doesn't mean that she can let go of the past.
The imprint of the family of origin is deeply engraved in the depths of our hearts and has become an indispensable part of our lives.
In the variety show "It's a Daughter and a Mother", Tao Xinran was on the hot search because of the problems of his original family.
The host asked Tao Xinran: "Have you ever been beaten when you were a child?"
Hearing this, Tao smiled reluctantly and awkwardly, but it was difficult to hide the sad memory in his heart.
With tears in his eyes, he forced a smile and replied, "It's a lot!"
Whenever he recalls his childhood, Tao Xinran cried many times in the show.
The influence that Tao Xinran experienced when she was a child seems to be engraved in her bones.
When playing the role of An Lingrong in "The Legend of Zhen Huan", she has low self-esteem, sensitivity, and suspicion, and she always lives a very twisted, tangled, and tired life.
And all this is related not only to her humble background, but also to her mother.
An Lingrong in the play is like this, and Tao Xinran in real life also has a little shadow of An Lingrong.
The family of origin has really affected their lives, making them unable to be free and unable to make decisions about their own lives.
Even when I was an adult, those fragments would be with me when I was a child, and there was nowhere to put them.
1
"For your good" is actually "for my good"
Tao Xinran's mother is a teacher, and it stands to reason that she was born in a family of teachers, so she deserves a more relaxed and comfortable childhood.
But Tao Xinran is the opposite, even more so than ordinary families.
Some netizens said that Tao Xinran's part-time job in childhood was a "devil's training camp".
Her mother's strictness, her mother's "good for you", but it brought her a shadow for a lifetime.
If she carelessly does the wrong question, she will be beaten, and she can't cry when she is beaten, otherwise she will be beaten harder by her mother.
For daughters, there is no strictest, only stricter.
Once, Tao Xinran scored 98 points, but when he got home, he was not praised, but was beaten by his mother.
Maybe many people can't understand it, and they were beaten after scoring 98 points in the test.
The reason given by Tao Xinran's mother is extremely strange, and she actually said that if those two points are because she has not learned to lose the knowledge points, she can teach her, but because she lost them carelessly, she shouldn't, so she must be allowed to remember it for a long time.
Oh my God! What a fairy mother this is!
Even more bizarre is yet to come.
Tao Xinran once took the fourth place in the exam, which was an improvement compared to before, and once again happily ran home to share it with his mother, but was beaten again.
The reason is that my mother wants to smash her prestige, and she is only in fourth place, and there are three people in front of her.
"Speechless" can no longer be used to describe her education style!
Tao Xinran's mother's requirements for her are not only cultural classes, but also excellent in other aspects.
In order to improve her temperament, her mother sent Tao Xinran to a dance class.
Dance changed Tao Xinran's step-by-step life trajectory, and later, she decisively chose the path of art students.
The reason turned out to be that the art school provided accommodation, so that she could stay away from her mother, who was super controlling.
In the show, Tao Xinran's mother talked about this topic and said:
"A child who is a teacher must be better than others", "It is to discourage her daughter's prestige and make her not proud", "It's all for her good", ......
Tao Xinran's mother also began to reflect on her high requirements for her daughter, and part of the reason for her high requirements for her daughter was indeed due to her own vanity.
I am a teacher, and as a teacher, my children should have excellent grades, and if I can't pass the exam, I will be disgraced.
It turns out that not for the sake of the child, but for yourself, not "for your good", but "for my good".
As parents, we often make the mistake of "controlling" our children without restraint under the banner of "for your own good".
"It's rude not to get involved in other people's lives. Don't impose your own views on others in the name of your own good, because we are just spectators in other people's lives. ”
As parents, they are just guardians and guides on the road of life, and do not wantonly "control" their children's lives in the name of love.
2
It's rained, so I have to hold an umbrella for my daughter
Tao Xinran has resentment about her mother's education method.
So, in a very stupid way, she punished her mother.
She said, "I became who I am today because of myself, not because of your educational success. ”
That year, she was in her 20s.
Now, she is also a mother, and she regrets that her youth hurt her mother.
But even so, she and her mother could not agree on the same opinion.
Daughter He Tao paints seriously, and Tao happily decides to reward his daughter.
The three of them go to the supermarket together and let the children pick out gifts.
He Tao picked out toys while watching, and grandma directly picked up the math workbook next to him and asked He Tao to buy it.
He Tao wanted to pick again, but grandma urged her to go home with all kinds of miraculous operations.
And frequently use "next time", "I'll watch it tomorrow", "go back", "go back to cooking" to control He Tao.
Tao Xinran wants to give the child enough time and space to make a choice that she is satisfied with.
She didn't want her daughter to be affected by her mother's emotions, so she was very patient and enlightened her daughter, but her daughter's mood was obviously affected, and she finally decided to go home and buy it online.
In fact, Tao Xinran was relieved not only by his daughter, but also by himself who was not respected when he was young.
Moreover, Tao Xinran is also using his own actions to silently "rebel" against his mother's education methods.
I was drenched in the rain when I was a child, so now Tao Xinran wants to take the initiative to hold an umbrella for her daughter.
Because, she doesn't want her daughter to become a second "victim".
3
"Passed" and "let go" are two different things
Some injuries do exist, but they are in the past, but they can't be let go!
Although after becoming a mother, Tao Xinran can understand the hard work and hardships of her mother, as well as the love for her children.
However, the rift of that year has not gone away.
Tao Xinran just wrapped the wound around and around with the bond of family affection, pretending that everything was over.
But it's over, and it's not the same thing as letting go.
In the show, Tao Xinran's mother apologized to her.
As soon as the mother started to talk, Tao Xinran turned her head away, and her tears couldn't stop flowing.
She didn't look at her mother, let alone hug her.
She can understand what her mother did back then, but it doesn't mean that she can let go of the past.
"Forgiveness is not about forgetting, but about releasing the pain in your heart. ”
The vast majority of people go through three stages of life: integration into the family, escape from the family, and integration into the family again.
The first stage is that we don't have our own values yet, and we rely on family indoctrination.
The second stage is when we begin to establish our own values, and in the process we will question the family and even want to leave the family to form our own order of life.
The third stage is when we really have our own family, we need the help of our parents and have to integrate into the original family, and at the same time, our life experience is accumulating, and we begin to look at our parents, family and life rationally.
People who have a bad family of origin are looking for an outlet to reconcile with their original family all their lives.
There is such a passage in the book "Reconciling with the Family of Origin":
"When you learn to love yourself and make peace with your heart, the pain of your family of origin becomes less important. ”
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Author: Wan Muzi, CCDM China Career Planner, BSC Senior Career Planner, American Shubo School Career Planner, more than 9 years of enterprise project management, registered international psychological counselor, more than 5 years of corporate training lecturer, platform contract author, second child mother.