Text | Mi Li's mother
Do you remember Tao Xinran who played An Lingrong?
In the play, An Lingrong always has low self-esteem and sensitivity, and she will cry when she mentions her mother at home, and later many people blame her character formation on her original family.
But Mi Li's mother never thought that Tao Xinran's childhood in reality would be as "unlucky" as An Lingrong.
Recently, Tao Xinran and her mother appeared on the variety show "It's a Daughter and a Mother" together, and the link where the mother and daughter should look at each other warmly and hug each other is a completely different style of painting when they come to their mother and daughter.
The program team asked a question: "Have you ever been beaten when you were a child?"
In just a few words, Tao Xinran began to shed tears, even though she tried to keep smiling in front of the camera, tears still poured out uncontrollably.
She glanced at her mother and replied in a slightly joking tone, "Quite a lot." ”
After many years, for Tao Xinran, who is 39 years old, the physical pain may have faded away, but the psychological pain has not disappeared for a moment.
An Lingrong, who is cautious, seems to be one with Tao Xinran at this moment, not only because of the experience of being beaten in childhood, but also because of her mother's extremely strong educational logic.
Suppression stems from vanity
Tao Xinran's mother is a teacher, and because she has taught too many children, she inevitably has a comparative psychology towards her own children.
Therefore, Tao Xinran, like most teachers' children, was inevitably required by his mother to extremely harsh standards.
Once, Tao Xinran scored 98 points, but when he got home, he was not praised, but was beaten by his mother.
When the reason is spoken, Mi Li's mother can't believe it.
Tao Yuedi thinks that if those two points are not lost because of knowledge points, she can teach her, but if she loses them because of carelessness, she shouldn't, so she must be allowed to remember for a long time.
What kind of logic is this?,Do adults have to be beaten up for a long memory if they make mistakes in their work?
Under this kind of suppression of education, it is really hard for Mi Li's mother to imagine how aggrieved and sad Tao Xinran, who was happy because of 98 points, at that time.
If this time the child was beaten to punish her for her carelessness, the other time was to the extent that anyone felt outrageous.
Tao Xinran once took the fourth place in the exam, which was an improvement compared to before, and once again happily ran home to share it with his mother, but was beaten again.
The reason turned out to be that her mother wanted to spark her prestige.
It's only fourth, and there are three people in front of you.
At this point, Mi Li's mother can no longer use "speechless" to describe her education method, but in her eyes as a mother, she is just "simple and rude".
Therefore, Tao Xinran was often beaten when she was a child because she failed to meet her mother's requirements, and when the bamboo strip slapped her buttocks, she was not even qualified to shed tears when she was crying.
Not to mention that in Tao Xinran's eyes, childhood is a "devil's training camp", even in the eyes of adults, this is not education at all, but torture.
Today, Tao Yuedi finally began to reflect on her high requirements for her daughter, and part of it was indeed out of her own vanity.
The teacher's children should be in the top few in the class, and if the child can't pass the test to others, he will be disgraced.
It turns out that not for the sake of the children, but for themselves.
Maybe children are born with the ability to perceive their parents' minds, even if Tao Xinran has to study hard, but in her heart, she also understands that everything her mother does is not entirely out of love.
So she kept trying to fight against her mother, in short, you told me to go east and I went west.
It wasn't until Tao Xinran became popular with the role of An Lingrong in "The Legend of Zhen Huan" that she finally proved that she was right.
So when relatives and friends learned from their mothers how to educate their children, Tao Xinran finally said to his mother what he had been holding back in his heart for more than ten years:
I became who I am today because of myself, not because of the success of your education.
This sentence also left an imprint in her mother's heart, making her always sad, but Tao Xinran did not feel happy, but fell into endless remorse.
Thinking carefully about this battle between mother and daughter, it seems that no one is the real winner.
Mi Li's mother once wrote such a story: her cousin scored 620 points in the college entrance examination and was asked by her aunt to repeat it.
The reason is that my cousin had an estimated score of 670 points before, and my aunt thought that she was stable and began to spread it around, and her children could choose any key universities.
But when the score came down, my aunt found that my cousin could only go to an ordinary university, which made all her braggings come to naught, and she said that she would let her cousin repeat her studies.
The reason: loss of face.
No matter how others persuade her, her aunt was unmoved, and she wanted her daughter to give herself a long face next year.
Think about it carefully, aren't this aunt and Tao Xinran's mother the same vanity?
In fact, what makes Mi Li's mother feel the most regrettable is not the comparison of parents and the suppression of children, but that this kind of behavior will evolve into "you don't love me at all" in the eyes of children.
So the child turns on the defensive mode, always ready to fight back, and it is difficult to change the shadow of this influence even for the rest of his life.
How can such a child who has been at war with his parents countless times in his heart be happy?
Change starts with yourself
The pain of childhood education left a scar on Tao Xinran's body, but she did not let this pain continue.
There is such a trivial thing in the show, Tao Xinran's daughter He Tao got a reward for being able to go to the supermarket to pick out gifts because she was serious about painting.
But when the three grandparents came to the supermarket, He Tao was a little dazzled, and wanted to see more before deciding what to choose.
At this time, grandma was in a hurry to go back to cook, so she kept urging her granddaughter, and when He Tao wanted to go ahead and take a look, grandma grabbed her:
"Don't look at it, I can't even look down on this, go home and go home, I won't buy it today. ”
When He Tao looked at his mother hesitantly, Tao Xinran gave her daughter a reassuring look and told her seriously:
"You like the most important thing, He Tao. ”
However, the next direction of the story has nothing to do with He Tao.
Grandma casually answered, "If you like it, I'll get it tomorrow", He Tao saw this, and no longer insisted, but said sensibly, "Then let's buy it online."
Seeing her daughter's compromise, Tao Xinran did not agree directly, but asked her daughter's opinion again:
"No, if there's something you like, I don't think it's a problem. ”
The grandmother on the side saw the chronic son of the mother and daughter, and she couldn't control her temper, so she yelled and told He Tao to hurry up, take what you like, and put it on the shopping cart.
Tao Xinran, who saw her mother urging like this, finally began to resist: "It's not such a mother, you don't want to be like this." ”
In fact, it can be seen from here that Tao Xinran and his mother's education methods are completely different.
Grandma just wants to fulfill the promise of adults, but what Tao Xinran cares about is giving her daughter the space and power to choose freely.
Tao Xinran took the initiative to cut off the tension and oppression she had endured in education, and gave her daughter a relaxed growth atmosphere.
What an admirable thing it is to be able to work hard against the intergenerational transmission of the original family and successfully complete the separation of topics.
It's no wonder that netizens said that Tao Xinran took her daughter as her childhood self and raised her again.
Because of this, as a first-time mother, she can respect her daughter's ideas and personality and help her shield from unnecessary pressure.
As far as the matter of making dumplings at home is concerned, He Tao wanted to use fruit as filling, so Tao Xinran asked his daughter to wrap dumplings with durian filling and strawberry filling.
The mother felt that Tao Xinran was pampering the child, because in her eyes, the child's needs should not be met, so that she would not be psychologically vulnerable when she encountered setbacks in the future.
But Tao Xinran directly interrupted her mother and resolutely refused to let her daughter suffer this unnecessary hardship.
She will not ask her daughter with "top-notch", but will also tell her daughter to cry if she wants to, and pay more attention to her daughter's every thought.
In addition to being moved, Mi Li's mother also found that she actively responded to her daughter's every need and rebelled against her mother's education of her daughter, which was actually a gentle confrontation with her mother.
If you didn't do it right today, then you were right when I was a kid?
Therefore, the relaxed education of his daughter He Tao is not a kind of redemption for Tao Xinran when he was a child.
Healing, between bonds
Seeing Tao Xinran's mother's education method, many people feel unforgivable, and they don't understand why the mother and daughter can still live in peace now.
The word "reconciliation" seems to be difficult for the unusual intimate relationship between mother and daughter, but it is very simple.
After Tao Xinran has been a full-time mother for a period of time, she wants to start filming again, and the person who can reassure herself to take care of her children is only a mother.
Because of Tao Xinran's needs, her mother gave up her plan to travel around China for photography and came to Beijing alone to help her take care of the children.
This care is several years.
There's one scene in the show that's particularly moving.
Mom felt uncomfortable in the cervical spine and asked Tao Xinran to help with scraping, but her eyes were red when she scraped, and she was afraid that her mother would see her tears, so she turned around and hid in the bathroom.
Not for anything else, because at that moment she suddenly really felt that her mother was tired.
At the same time, Tao Xinran also realized that her mother, who already has gray hair, and her mother who has had 4 stents in her heart, will be forced to live in Beijing, give up her colorful retirement life, and work non-stop every day, just to help herself share the pressure.
As Tao Xinran said, the emotions at that moment were really complicated, with guilt, emotion, gratitude, and maybe a hint of forgiveness.
But when Tao Xinran asked her mother about her opinion on this matter, her mother smiled and said lightly:
"I like Beijing because there are people I care about the most. ”
In addition to those fierce confrontations, Mi Li's mother saw a bond between mother and daughter that belonged exclusively to Tao Xinran's mother and daughter.
The Chinese-style mother-daughter relationship is that there is harm to each other, but at the same time, there is also warmth, which makes people unable to resolve to get rid of each other, and they are greedy for warmth.
In fact, the same is true of several other mothers and daughters in the show.
Wang Luodan's mother will treat her 40-year-old daughter as a princess, and when she celebrates her daughter's birthday, she not only has to cook a large table of dishes, but also prepares cute cakes and princess veils in advance.
This kind of love from the heart, no child does not want to have.
But at the same time, there will also be places that make Wang Luodan feel uncomfortable.
When making a wish on her birthday, she will take the trouble to urge her to get married, even if her daughter doesn't like it, she has to emphasize it again and again.
In her daughter's home, she sometimes has no sense of boundaries.
Wang Luodan felt that although the house looked messy, she knew the location of things, but as soon as her mother came, she had to start cleaning up, even if her daughter repeatedly emphasized it, she resolutely refused to change.
However, it is gratifying that the mothers in the show also began to reflect after their daughters grew up.
Tao Xinran's mother realized that she had suppressed her child because of vanity, and Wang Luodan's mother also understood that there should also be a sense of boundary between mother and daughter.
This is a kind of progress, but also an "emotional confession" to the daughter who has grown up, so reconciliation is often only in a moment.
When Tao Xinran also became a mother and faced a dilemma between family and work, she thanked her mother and began to understand her.
After all, the education and external conditions received by my mother at that time were completely different from those now, and just by looking at my mother's name "Tao Yuedi", it seems that you can understand the reason why she wants to have a strong personality.
And Tao Yuedi raised her at the age of 24, and she gave birth to a daughter at the age of 32, with different experiences and different thinking.
Just like Tao Xinran said, if she is asked to raise a child at the age of 24, she may not do better than her mother.
Perhaps, Tao Yuedi at that time had tried her best to do her best.
Therefore, now Tao Xinran no longer refutes her mother with sharp words, but does not compromise on her daughter's education method.
She learned to confront gently, which is an emotional compensation and a spiritual growth.
Being able to express his dissatisfaction and grievances to his mother is already a complete self-redemption.
Tao Yuedi said that now she doesn't feel that she is wrong, but she doesn't want to argue with her daughter anymore.
Mi Li's mother thinks that this is more like the mother-daughter war to the end, and the losing party has saved its dignity for itself.
However, as time passes, the mother may gradually lose the upper hand, and the daughter who has become a mother will take the initiative to let her daughter win in the next mother-daughter fight.
Personal profile: @米粒妈频道 (welcome to follow), Mi Li's mother, American returnee, Haidian parent, the author of "Parent-Child English Books That Affect Children's Lives" ranked first on the Dangdang New Book List. Focus on learning dry goods, education experience sharing, education and further education for children aged 5-12, English, mathematics, science enlightenment, and the world's novelty and good things to recommend, welcome to pay attention! (0~5 years old mother, please pay attention: @米粒妈爱分享)