Yesterday morning, I received a call from my birth mother asking how I was doing and expressing her desire to see me. At the time, I was busy with work and hadn't been in touch for nearly 20 years, and the call came as a surprise. I told her I was busy and would call her back later. However, I didn't call back afterwards.
In the evening, my birth mother called again and insisted on meeting me, saying that she had an incurable disease and wanted to see me. I explained that I had a busy schedule and that various reports, materials, and meetings made it difficult for me to take time off. After I hung up, I received a text message from her, full of guilt and longing for me, explaining why she had left in the first place, and asking me to forgive her. She also told me her current address.
I was born less than six months before my birth mother left me. Grandma said that because her grandfather was paralyzed in bed all the year round, the harvest was not good, the family was in trouble, and her biological mother did not want to live a hard life, so she ran away quietly and took away the family's only remaining savings. I almost couldn't feed myself, I didn't have money to buy milk powder, and my grandmother fed me with rice soup bite by bite.
For more than 30 years, I saw her only once when she was admitted to college, and she only called me twice during college. The lack of love and suffering I suffered in my childhood, childhood, and adolescence cannot be compensated for with a few words of sorry and guilt. My feelings for her are nothing but hatred.
Her life seems to be perfect, living in a bustling city and having a happy family. She has other biological children besides me, and I, except for her, have no other biological mother.
My father and grandmother were simple farmers with good hearts. The union of the parents is introduced by the matchmaker. In fact, before I was born, my family's life in the village was quite good, the family had a few acres of land, and my grandfather and father would do carpentry work. When I was born, my grandfather had a stroke and was paralyzed, my grandmother had to take care of my grandfather, my biological mother took care of me, and my father was the only laborer in the family. Floods have also occurred, crops have been lost, and families have been in dire straits. When I was six months old, my birth mother ran away from home without telling anyone. My grandmother later heard that she had gone to Guangdong to work. Two years later, she came back to get a divorce. These were all things I did before I was three years old, and I learned about them when I grew up. In my memory, the image of my birth mother is blurred, I have never seen her, and the word "mother" is just a symbol for me.
Grandma is a very kind person, she has never said anything bad about her biological mother in front of me, she just lamented the ups and downs of fate, and she is not to blame. At one point, my grandmother fantasized that my birth mother would come back to see me. When I was a child, every ten days and half a month, the postman would come to the village. My grandmother always watched the postman walk by my door, and I knew that she was hoping for a letter from my birth mother. In those days, the village's method of communication was letters.
Other children whose parents are working in other places will receive gifts, clothes or shoes from their parents from afar. However, I have never had such a surprise. I never expect such a surprise. Before I was ten years old, I had no hatred for my birth mother, but I had the illusion that she, like the parents of other children, was just working outside to earn money, and that she would come back to see me in the future. However, the people who returned to the village later told the grandmother that the birth mother was married and had two children. When I heard the news, a man ran out and cried. All my expectations and fantasies ended up in vain.
Whenever I reminisce about the past, tears can't stop flowing.
Grandpa died at the age of three, and grandma died at the age of six.
After my grandmother died, my father often went out to do odd jobs, and I had to cook my own meals when I came home from school. I always felt like I was going to starve to death one day and leave this world forever. I never thought I would be alive until now.
After school, I have to herd sheep, mow the grass, and have a few sheep at home. Every morning, I had to cut a few large bales of grass and carry them home. In the north, the winter is covered with snow, so it is necessary to start preparing the grass for the winter in the summer. Reading while herding sheep became my deepest childhood memory. In winter, my hands and feet are always covered with chilblains, itchy and painful.
When I needed her the most, my birth mother never showed up. Now, I don't need her, but she's coming to me. Actually, I don't want to see her, and I don't want to cross paths with her in this life.
The road to study was extremely difficult. Every summer vacation, I was exhausted. Before dawn, he carried a shovel and hoe to drive the sheep out, brought a pot of water and a steamed bun, and went home after dark. Digging licorice while herding sheep. Licorice is deeply rooted, and a kilogram of licorice can be sold for five cents. Grind the blood blisters on your hands, pick the bubbles and dig them, and after a few days, your palms will be calloused.
When I was in middle school, I was most afraid of people staring at my hands, because my hands were so rough that they didn't look like a girl's hands at all. I'm afraid of sympathetic expressions. When it was time for the school year to start, I was nervous, but fortunately, my father was able to scrape together enough money for tuition.
After the college entrance examination in 2004, my father told me that if I did, he would sell iron for me to go to university, and if I didn't, he would let me go out to work.
The day I received my acceptance letter from college, I cried. I know that my father can't make up for my tuition. I ran to the river alone and sat by the river crying. It was already dark, and an aunt who was passing by stopped to see me. She watched me from a short distance for a moment, then walked towards me.
My aunt asked me, "Girl, are you still not coming home so late?"
I said, "I'll be back in a minute." "
"Where is your home, I'll take you home", the aunt said as she reached out to pull me. I took my aunt's hand and stood together, and a warm current passed through my body. At that moment, I thought that if my mother was by my side, my mother's love would probably be so warm.
When I got home in the evening, my dad read my college entrance examination notice, sighed, and didn't say anything. He smoked and sighed in the next room. When I woke up the next morning, my dad asked me if I wanted to go to college. I said yes. I saw that his eyes were bloodshot. Then Dad went out.
When it got dark, Dad came back. He traveled a lot and went to a few relatives in a neighboring village to borrow money to pay for my college education. That night, I tossed and turned, happy and sad, tears soaking through the pillow towel.
In that remote mountain nest, it was a great joy to be admitted to university. The news spread quickly, and my birth mother also learned that I had been admitted to university. I guess a relative told her that I didn't have money to go to college, and my father was borrowing money everywhere.
My birth mother came back to see me. She was well-dressed and her face was full of excitement. Hold my hand tightly as soon as you enter. She said to take me to the county seat to buy a few new clothes, I hesitated for a while, and finally got into the car with her.
In the car, she touched my head and my hand. She looked happy. However, my heart was full of mixed feelings and thoughts.
She said that although she didn't take care of me personally over the years, she always had me in her heart. She recited the Buddha for me to eat vegetarian food, offered incense to the Bodhisattva every day, and prayed for my safety and health. She said that the reason why I was able to be admitted to a prestigious university was because of the blessing of the Bodhisattva.
When I got home, I couldn't help but laugh when I remembered what she had said. Is my hard study day and night just a blessing from the Bodhisattva in her eyes?
When she parted, she stuffed me with 2,000 yuan. Although I resisted it, I had to accept the pressure of reality. She left her contact information, which I called when I was in college and told her how I was doing.
She told me to eat better and not eat instant noodles all the time. However, at that time, instant noodles were a rare luxury. In order to save money, I often only eat steamed buns, and my life is extremely poor.
I called her on the landline in the dormitory, and she didn't say anything when I told her about the fee for the computer-based test, and then I said something else, and I haven't been in touch since that time.
The four years of university life are full of hardships and challenges. I thought I would get a scholarship with excellent grades, but that's not the case. When I went to university, I learned what it means to have people outside the mountains, my classmates are very good, and I was the best in my class when I was in middle school, and no matter how hard I tried, it was always difficult to be at the top of the class. I didn't get a scholarship.
My father was uneducated and had to do some hard work to barely earn enough for my tuition. The cost of living is intermittent. I had to spend my spare time tutoring, handing out flyers, and doing promotions. Classes are held during the day, preparation is done in the evenings, and on weekends I am busy with tutoring. During that time, I was physically and mentally exhausted, and I even regretted going to college for a while. If he had chosen to work in the factory, he might have made his father live a better life.
Before I went to college, my father never remarried for me. He was worried that his stepmother would not treat me well, and he was also worried that he would have to raise one or two more people after remarrying, and he would not have the money to support me in college, so he was always alone.
After graduating from university, I was successfully admitted to the civil service. Life at home is slowly getting better.
It's a bit far, however, these memories made me firm in my belief not to see my birth mother.
I couldn't forgive her, and her loss left my grandmother with a heavy burden and passed away early. However, I had to shoulder the burden of life at a young age and learn to cook and stir-fry.
She has never fulfilled her responsibility to support her, and I do not have to bear the obligation of support. The 2,000 yuan she gave, I returned it to her with interest, ten times the amount. In this life, we may never see each other again.
Such a person who has brought me endless pain and bitterness, who has made me hate for thirty years, if giving me life is a gift to me, then I would rather she had never given birth to me.
When I was a kid and someone said to me, "There would be no you without her," I probably agreed. But now I understand that reproduction is just an animal instinct. I can only scoff at that statement. Whether it is a man or a woman, the purpose of having children is not for the sake of society, not for others, but just to satisfy their own selfish desires. Reproducing offspring is an impulse and desire that comes from the depths of the heart. In nature, even birds and animals will do their best to raise their children to be able to live independently.
Recalling my meeting with her, she told me that she had been praying for me to be blessed by the Bodhisattva. Now, now, I am also lighting incense for her in the distance, kowtowing to the Bodhisattva, and praying for her, which is considered to be indebted.