We all have many needs, we want love, we want intimacy, we need money, we want to be understood. If we hope that one person can meet all of our needs, it may be really difficult to achieve.
You see some girls who find a knowledgeable husband, but they think he has no interest in life, and they complain that they don't have time to go shopping and watch movies with them when they change their careers.
I finally met someone who revolves around you every day, but I am worried that he will not make enough money to support his family.
To be honest, even if you meet someone who is talented and well-off, you may have to complain that he doesn't treat you as a little princess.
Did you see the problem? Is it too much to ask for? It's not, that's not the core of the problem.
Who doesn't pursue wealth and beauty, and who doesn't want to find someone who genuinely treats them?
These psychological needs are, in essence, human nature.
It's just a misconception that not all needs need to be met by your partner alone. Intimacy only needs to meet 1 or 2 of your core needs, or most of the key needs.
Recently, I received such a private message in the background, and the girl complained about her various dissatisfaction with her husband, what was not romantic enough, and she didn't often accompany her.
She said that other people's husbands would buy flowers for their wives, and her husband would only hand over his salary card for her to spend as he pleased, and that other people's husbands would take his wife to a big meal, while her husband would only cook for her at home......
My little assistant saw it and was so envious that she thought she was in Versailles, deliberately showing affection.
However, it seems to me that she is not deliberately or exaggerated to show off her husband, but she fails to clarify her core and secondary needs, mixing them up, so she is always dissatisfied with her husband.
Each of us has needs and wants to be met in relationships, but we also have to understand that not all needs can be fulfilled through intimacy.
Therefore, we need to distinguish between our core needs and our secondary needs.
Core requirements, as the name suggests, are the most important thing for us at this stage.
As opposed to the core need, there is a secondary need, which refers to a relatively less important need that can be met or not satisfied, especially when it conflicts with the core need and can be discarded.
For example, you want your partner to earn money and provide financial support, and you want your partner to spend more time with you and provide emotional support.
But when your partner is too busy with work to spend time for you, then you need to consider what your most pressing core needs are.
Being able to distinguish between core and secondary needs allows us to maintain clear thinking in our relationships and reduce many unnecessary distresses.
Like the girl in the case, she originally had a good marriage, but she was still full of complaints and always wanted to complain about her husband. Such women are actually not uncommon in life.
We have all heard of women who tell their miserable experiences and complain about how unbearable their husbands are, which arouses the sympathy of many people.
But those who know a little bit about the inside story will find that such women may not really have a bad life, and they still have something to gain in marriage.
Sometimes people around them persuade them to divorce, but they resolutely refuse to divorce, which also proves that their core needs have actually been met.
It's just that they don't clearly analyze the core needs and secondary needs, and their brains are in chaos, wanting both this and that.
As women grow up, voices are heard from all sides.
From an early age, you may have been taught that girls should be gentle, obedient, and learn to be likable. When you grow up, you are also required by society to be a virtuous helper, a husband and children, and a good mother and wife.
You feel like it's not right to do this, it's not right to do that, it's not going to be happy. You will be trapped in labels such as "good wife", "good mother", "strong woman", etc., and feel extremely lost about the future.
And figuring out what you are pursuing and what core needs you want to meet can get you out of the predicament.
For example, your husband is handsome and considerate, this is your biggest need. Then you don't have to find fault with him and your different interests, and you can't talk together. You can share your interests with your girlfriends and let them be satisfied.
Your husband likes to play basketball, you like to draw, so you just let him play basketball, wouldn't it be nice for you to go and paint with your girlfriend?
For example, if you value money above all else, and you find a partner who will make money, then you should stop blaming him for not having time for you and not talking sweetly because your core needs have been met.
As for those non-core needs, such as hoping that your partner can also speak sweet words, hoping that your partner will be outstanding, etc., you can satisfy your romantic fantasies and sustenance by watching idol dramas, romance novels, etc.
If you need companionship, then you can take the money of this husband who will make money and go for psychological counseling, which can also meet your need for companionship.
The essence of intimacy is to meet your own core needs, not all of your needs.
You go and make a row of yourself and see what exactly your core needs are. There are non-core needs that can be met elsewhere.
You should not always expect a future partner or someone you are looking for to fulfill all your fantasies. For he is a man, not a god.
As long as you are clear about your core needs, you may be able to achieve your goals even if your partner can't meet you. You can satisfy yourself by learning and finding other resources. You'll find that there are so many ways to help you achieve your needs.
You will find that even if your husband is not satisfactory, it will not stop you from moving forward. And when you grow up, how to deal with men and how to deal with intimate relationships will no longer be a problem.
This is the ultimate meaning of clarifying your core needs, and you will simplify your goals, remove distractions, and get closer and closer to your goals, to the life you want. No more complaining and internal friction, you are the real growth.