Why do parents pay so much, but they still can't get a response from their children?

I once saw a video on the Internet, in which parents often say things like this to their children:

"I'm tired of working to buy you the most expensive shrimp...... If it weren't for you, my mother would be reluctant to buy such expensive shrimp, and you can only eat leftovers when you look at Dad. ”

"In order for you to enroll in interest classes, your father hasn't taken a taxi for a year, and he doesn't have new clothes to wear. ”

"Look, how happy you are, as long as you study hard, your parents will smash the pot and sell iron, and they will provide for you. ”

......

The "it's all for you" in the mouths of parents has become a nightmare that children can't escape from in childhood.

When Li Xueqin talked about the topic of the original family, she once said:

"At present, in the parent-child relationship of many Chinese families, the sense of sacrifice is very heavy.

The most basic ones include, this rib is for you, I will give you the rod, and the best place for this fish is for you, and I will eat the tail of the fish with many spines.

However, this fish is obviously very big, why do you have to choose the bad part and repeatedly emphasize your dedication?"

Yes, many times the giving and giving of parents should be an expression of love.

But when this "giving" becomes "sacrifice", it will be too heavy, and it will become a constraint and pressure.

Excessive sacrifice by parents cannot bring happiness to their children

Parents' dedication should be a symbol of love and care, but because some parents are "very good" at sacrifice, these efforts have become a psychological burden that children need to carry for a long time.

Huang Zhizhong told the famous story of eating fish head in "Strange Sayings":

In order to give the fish meat to the child, the mother ate the fish head for the rest of her life. It wasn't until her deathbed that my mother said to her child: Actually, I never liked to eat fish heads.

After Huang Zhizhong finished telling this story, he sighed: "I think this kid is so difficult!" 

Because the mother's dying words may make the child feel guilty and blame himself for a lifetime.

When parents continue to emphasize self-sacrifice and dedication to their children, children will feel that the great sacrifices of their families are forced to be made, and they all "blame me".

In the long run, the child will feel guilty and guilty about his parents, and even feel that he has come to this family as his original sin.

At the same time, driven by this guilt, children often have too high expectations of themselves and are reluctant to be good to themselves.

They will feel that they should "live up to their family's expectations" and put their family's will and needs first, and then suppress their inner desires and lose the motivation for self-growth.

Such children, "moving forward with weight", it is difficult to find their own life proposition, and it is difficult to realize their self-worth.

"Blackmail" in the name of love, trapping the guilty child

Susan Foward, an American psychologist, came up with the concept of "emotional blackmail".

It is about a relationship in which one party uses the other party's fear, morality, and guilt to control the other in order to achieve their own goals.

This kind of "soft violence" to make others compromise is not uncommon in parent-child relationships.

The writer Ma Jiahui has experienced such trauma.

When he was young, there were seven people in the family, and the conditions were not rich.

One day, my father bought a mango and gave it to everyone.

The child's nature made him unsatisfied with the taste of mangoes, so he used the money he saved to buy a mango and eat it when everyone in the family had slept.

Unexpectedly, his father found out about his stealing food, and he was accused of being "selfish".

In his father's view, Ma Jiahui enjoys his family's "dedication" to him, but he doesn't know how to "share", which is ignorance.

Therefore, this "black history" will always be taken out by my father to tell things.

The guilt caused by "eating" made him fall into a resistance to food.

Until he became famous, even if he no longer had to be cautious about not being able to afford food, the "sense of oppression" brought to him by his father since he was a child made him always "cold" to food.

This "guilt" was like a breeding fog that trapped his future. 

In family life, we often hear the words:

"We're working hard, and it's not for you. ”

"You can only repay us if you work hard now on. ”

"Mom and Dad have sacrificed so much for you, you must not let us down. ”

It seems that "guilt induction" has become a "necessary skill" for parents, and "emotional blackmail" has also become a lingering "psychological trauma" for children.

This kind of "tug-of-war" between parents and children is making children lack love and make parents lose control.

What children really need is a sense of value from their parents

Parenting has never been successful through sacrifice and coercion.

In fact, the growth of children requires strength.

The sense of sacrifice is often the fastest thing that kills the sense of strength, and the sense of value can really nourish children.

And it is not difficult to give children a sense of value, parents can live themselves, live happily, and live as role models.

The magazine "People" once reported on a mother and daughter.

Mother Hu Yongping said: "To be a mother, you need to pay, but you can't sacrifice. ”

She has always adhered to one principle: first herself, then her mother.

She will not compromise her life because of her daughter.

She is also very casual in raising her daughter: she will not take care of her daughter's diet and daily life.

My daughter is going to study in the UK after graduating from high school, and her daughter said that she doesn't need to send it, so she really goes cross-country with her friends.

Between mother and daughter, there is no sacrifice and dedication, and there is no control and restraint.

But under the influence of her mother, her daughter grew up to be very independent and assertive.

The girl said that it was her mother who taught her to dare to pursue what she wanted to do and not be bound by the world.

Put yourself first, give priority to nourishing yourself, and only when your parents are rich in their hearts can they drive their children to grow.

It's all about living yourself.

When Mo Yan was a child, his family had a hard time.

Mothers, in particular, are not only the hungry the most in the family, but also the ones who work the most.

He always thought that his mother would cry while working.

But the mother, who was full of sorrow, hummed a little song in her mouth when she was working hard!

Mother's optimism and open-mindedness taught Mo Yan not to complain or complain in the face of setbacks and suffering, but to face them optimistically and deal with things positively.

Instead of talking about sacrifice and hard work, it is better to face it with a smile and pass on positive energy to children.

This is what it means to live happily.

"Fairy Tale King" Zheng Yuanjie has always adhered to a principle in educating children:

"Learn from Dad first, then learn from Bully. ”

He never said to his children, "You have to work hard", but always said to himself, "Zheng Yuanjie, you have to work hard".

He used to get up at half past four every day to write, writing 6,000 words for 36 years.

The daughter wondered why he got up so early.

"Get the most important things done first, and the day will be very easy," he says. ”

Under this example, from the first day of elementary school, the first thing my daughter did when she came home was to do her homework before doing other things.

The daughter said: "I can only be regarded as the real daughter of Zheng Yuanjie if I become the first in the school." ”

Later, her daughter was admitted to 6 prestigious universities with the first grade in the school.

Therefore, instead of kidnapping children to grow up, it is better to keep your mouth shut, lift your feet, and walk your own life path to show your children.

That's what it means to be an example.

Mr. Hu Shi wrote in the article "My Son":

"I have brought you up only by the biological instinct of blood, and since I have not been kind to you, you need not repay me. ”

It is true that children come because of you, but they are not for you.

As a parent, there is nothing wrong with always thinking about their children becoming dragons and phoenixes among people.

What is wrong is that parents use a "sense of sacrifice" to demand this expectation, and the child loses the right to choose.

In many cases, more "giving" and less "taking" is the best tutoring for parents to give their children.