During these years of consulting work,
I've found that all cheating problems can be categorized into 4 dilemmas (in chronological order of dealing with infidelity):
1. The instinct to escape pain;
2. Experience is limited to the cognitive sphere;
3. Two processing habits of the brain;
4. Helplessness from the wishes of others!
Reduce the pain of cheating, the instinct of all!
[1] Escape the cheating dilemma caused by pain;
It is the instinct of all living beings to seek advantage and avoid harm, and human beings are no exception. It's the same for me, why stand hard when I can sit comfortably?
So the moment you first find out about cheating, when the pain first starts to hit, the brain's first instinct is always to refuse to accept it - as long as the thing is fake, the pain will naturally be gone.
There is a saying that is very appropriate: "We do everything to escape pain and enjoy happiness!". In many cases, this instinct can be no more than the brain, and all kinds of lies and crimes are based on this.
The reality is:
The problem of cheating is always there, and unless you fix it, it will torment you day after day, night after night.
That's what pain is all about,
Forcing you to face reality –
When the psychological pain becomes a torture that makes you unbearable, you have to change!
At this time, the second dilemma of derailment appears:
Cognitive decision-determining ability. Lack of experience in dealing with cheating often leads to you being at a loss and afraid to start.
[2] Cheating dilemma caused by lack of experience:
Think about it:
Why it's my job to deal with cheating, and I can easily mentor those who are bothered by cheating. And you are at a loss when faced with this kind of infidelity? You and I are both mentally sound people, what is the difference between us?
Very simple:
Because I first systematically studied the knowledge of "psychology" for many years + I have been engaged in dealing with derailment after graduation + I have been cheated myself. I have a lot of experience in dealing with cheating.
And this may be the first time in your life that you have experienced betrayal from your partner. You have no relevant experience, and you have never been exposed to relevant issues in your past life. Whether you are 30 years old, 40 years old, or 50 years old, you are at the same level when facing cheating.
The success of your career and the ups and downs of life may have honed your mind, but they have not given you the professional skills to solve psychological problems! Just like reading and writing, this is a "knowledge and skill" that you must learn through practice.
I don't even know how to solve the things that bother you,
And how can you successfully solve the problem of cheating?
[3] The derailment dilemma caused by two types of brain processing:
When you read this article, all your senses are receiving information from the outside world – your eyes are looking at the article, your ears are listening to the sounds around you, and your nose is smelling the smells around you.
So what makes you focus on reading fluently? It's your brain that changes the way information is processed from automated to controlled. You want to invest in it, so you're focused on it.
According to Cognitive Psychology:
The brain's processing mode of all behaviors can be divided into automatic processing and control processing. Automated processing refers to behaviors that do not require attention and are manipulated by the brain according to the usual path;
Controlled processing refers to those behaviors that require our attention to occupy and consciously think about how to operate.
So in the following time, if you find yourself immersed in the pain of cheating. It is difficult to feel other emotions other than the pain caused by cheating. It means that your brain is [control processing] of cheating.
It's just that you don't have the ability to digest the derailment,
So there are bugs (psychological disorders):
1. [Control processing] requires you to invest resources and attention;
2, but because you don't have the experience and relevant skills to deal with (refer to dilemma 2), you can't process and deal with derailment, and you can't change the handling of derailment from [controlled processing] to [automatic processing]. That's where the problem gets stuck.
3. You have to invest more resources further in order to solve the problem.
Eventually, thinking about cheating becomes a huge drain that constantly occupies your attention and never has an answer.
And according to the theory of "Cognitive Psychology":
Getting out of derailment is very simple, just change your brain's handling of derailment from [controlled processing] to [automatic processing].
I have put together a column on how to adjust the methods of cognition. If you are also troubled by cheating, you can study on your own.
There is one last dilemma left
[4] The dilemma of cheating caused by helplessness to others
I'm too tired to talk about it today, so I'll continue tomorrow
Divorce is the smallest price to pay after cheating!