#头条创作挑战赛#
Recently, I swiped a post on the Internet, and it was so suffocating after reading it.
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The poster is a daughter who told about her strange mother in the post.
The daughter was working in a foreign country, and her mother called and said she was going to visit her.
When she heard that her mother was coming, her daughter was very happy and welcomed her.
The mother then asked:
"Do you want to bring some pork from home? ”
The daughter immediately said "no", there are many shops selling pork in her area, and you can buy pork at any time if you want to.
The next day, the mother mentioned it again, saying that the pork on her daughter's side was very expensive, and she bought 10 catties of pork from the vegetable market near her home, which had been frozen in the refrigerator.
The daughter once again made it clear that she didn't need it, and that her salary could afford to eat pork, even if it was 50 yuan a catty.
The mother agreed to her daughter.
But when the mother was about to pack her luggage, she asked again:
"Will this pork be overweight in a suitcase. ”
Once again, the daughter expressed strong opposition:
"You must not bring it, after such a long flight, the meat will spoil after you come.
Again, the mother agreed.
However, after the mother checked in her luggage, she called her daughter:
"Everything went well! The luggage was not overweight, and I brought 15 pounds of pork without being overweight. ”
After listening to her mother's repeated persuasion, the daughter finally insisted on bringing the pork all the way to her The moment she was so angry that her eyes darkened:
"It felt like something was exploding in my head, suffocating, painfully wanting to die. ”
Because she has been like this for more than 20 years of her life.
Psychologist Sigmund Freud once said:
"Unexpressed emotions never die. They are simply buried alive and will emerge in an even uglier way in the future. ”
More than ten years of emotional squeezing suddenly gushed out at this moment.
The girl went on to tell the origin in the post:
Mothers have more than once imposed their will on their daughters in a "for your good" way, never caring whether her daughter wants to or accepts it.
When I was a child, my mother often said that this was:
"I transferred the job from the provincial capital to the county for you, you must be at the top of the class, otherwise you will be sorry for me. ”
Under the leadership of my mother, the people around me often say the same.
She didn't want her mother to sacrifice her future, and she didn't want to be the first in her class.
But that's not something she can decide.
When she was young, she was burdened by her mother's sacrifice for her, and the pressure on her heart was very great.
When I arrived in middle school, my mother did not ask her wishes, and without her consent, she enrolled her in 10 cram Xi classes in one go, spending a lot of money.
And every time she paid the fee, her mother would scold her:
"You're really expensive. ”
and complained that he was reluctant to buy clothes, just to enroll his daughter in Xi class.
But the girl did not want to go to the make-up Xi class at all, because she had no time for herself at all because of the endless make-up Xi, so that she did not get a good night's sleep in her school days.
She didn't want to spend her mother's money even more, making her feel that her mother's unhappiness was caused by her.
Another time, the daughter told her mother that she wanted to eat vegetarian buns, and she agreed.
When she got home from school, the steamed buns had already been steamed in the drawer, she picked up the buns and bit them, her mouth was full of fishy, she screamed and vomited.
After asking, I learned that the bun filling was "zombie meat" taken from my grandmother's house.
She questioned her mother why she wasn't a vegetarian bun.
Mom said, "I'm for your own good, you're growing up, you should eat more meat." ”
Let's not talk about whether such meat buns are nutritious or not.
From beginning to end, the mother never really heard what her daughter said.
I never cared if my daughter loved meat.
There are many, many more things like that......
The daughter wanted to eat tomatoes and make lo mein, but the mother had to pour a spoonful of beef soup into it, and the mother smiled and asked her if it was delicious, and the daughter only felt disgusting;
The mother sent beef to her daughter on her own initiative, and after the daughter made it clear that she didn't want to, she still received dozens of catties of zombie meat from her mother, and the daughter could only drag them and throw them into the trash.
In this mother-daughter relationship, the mother always uses the reason of "for your good", immersed in the emotion of self-giving, and forces her daughter to accept it.
Completely disregarding his own self-righteous love, whether his daughter needs it, and how much pain it has brought to her daughter.
The most intolerable thing is that they will also use these efforts to bring harm to the child to kidnap the child:
I have given so much for you, will you repay me like this?
I never thought that this was just a second crit of "self-touched" parents.
Perhaps many parents also feel aggrieved.
They feel that they are obviously well-intentioned, even if it is useless, there is no fault, how can it cause such strong dissatisfaction among children.
In fact, the level of dissatisfaction in children often depends on the degree to which their inner will is hurt.
For example, the girl in the post.
She doesn't like to eat zombie meat, but when she was a child, her mother forced her to eat it.
The meat of zombie meat is swallowed together with the pain of being forced to eat meat, and it is at this time that the "rebellious self" in my heart takes root, sprouts, and grows.
The second reason for parents is:
This is done for the good of the child.
Indeed, many times this is an irrefutable justification.
However, "irrefutable" is not necessarily true.
Blogger @游知猷 told a story.
She has a parent group with a mother who has installed a camera in her home.
It is convenient to monitor the behavior of the first-grade daughter at any time.
Even when she is not at home, she will shout coldly into the camera through the camera:
"Sit up straight"
"What are you reading? ”
"Why are you watching cartoons again. ”
Parents have very valid reasons for:
If the child has poor self-control, he has to take care of it, and this is all for the good of the child.
But the child's heart is painful.
Seen such an interview.
Someone asked a child, "What do you feel most comfortable in your home?"
Adults think that children will answer next to the TV or in the play area.
The child replied, "On the toilet in the bathroom." Because Mom and Dad couldn't see me there. ”
In the mother's cognition, with the camera, it is more convenient to supervise the child.
But in a child's world, the camera makes you have no privacy, stress, and no joy at all.
The "good for you" of Chinese parents is often just a show of love. In the name of love, he does things that hurt children without knowing it.
In the name of "love", the child is bound, but the child has pain and cannot speak.
I moved myself, but I couldn't move the child.
Professor Chen Guo of Fudan University once said:
"There's a perfect reason to say, 'I'm for your good.'" You should do this, you should do that, why? because 'I am for your good'.
But 'I'm for your good' is up to me.
Whether you are better or not is up to you. ”
Unilaterally "for your good" without asking your child if they need it, it's not really for your child's good.
Rather, it is to satisfy the parents' own desires, and the child is just a prop to participate in the "self-performance".
Such a deformed emotional connection often does not raise a grateful child, and even pushes the child further and further.
In the TV series "The Best of Us", such a story is told.
The mother of the protagonist Yu Huai is always keen to appear as a victim.
Every time Yu Huai makes a mistake, the sentence on her lips is:
"I take care of your grandparents all day long, and your father works alone in Africa to earn money, you see how many years have I been wearing this dress?
You think I don't want to wear new clothes, we're all for you. ”
Mother's words undoubtedly brought invisible pressure to Yu Huai.
Although Yu Huai has tried his best to live a sunny and cheerful life, every time there is an important exam, Yu Huai, who was originally a top student, will play abnormally.
The failure of the exam made him even more ashamed of the sacrifice of his parents, felt sorry for his parents, thought that he was incompetent, and fell into the emotions of self-blame and guilt.
One day, Yu Huai finally couldn't suppress the pain in his heart and lost his temper with his mother, and the suspicion between mother and son was finally brought to the fore.
Some people say that East Asian parents are the hardest working people in the world.
They are accustomed to using their own sacrifices and dedications to make their children feel guilty, and achieve the goal of controlling children from the commanding heights of morality and emotion;
And the East Asian child is the most painful person in the world.
Without their consent, parents put a heavy emotional burden on their backs, and they grew up with heavy burdens and were tired.
For many people, this is the family narrative of the older generation of parents.
Fortunately, many parents of the new generation refuse to inherit this education model because they have suffered from the education of the older generation.
In the new education model, we have liberated ourselves and our children.
I watched such a short video and was quite impressed.
There is a post-90s mother who takes her child to eat mangoes.
In the video, Bao's mother first peeled a mango for her son, and after her son took it with both hands, he gnawed it with satisfaction.
The next second, my mother took out a giant mango that had been peeled.
Statement:
"If I were still 18 years old, I would definitely not hesitate to eat this (little) mango,
Now that I'm a mother, I'm definitely going to eat big. ”
True!
The new generation of parents will not only love their children, but also themselves.
They don't "kidnap" their children at their own sacrifices, they don't act out what they don't need at all, their love doesn't have a sense of giving, and they don't have to be exchanged.
Be good to children, just because you love children, and you don't have any desires of your own.
In such an educational atmosphere, children can grow up without hindrance in their hearts.
It is worth mentioning that:
We are not pointing out the problems of the education of the older generation of parents to blame our parents.
Parents also have their limitations.
In our cultural tradition, parents have children, which is mixed with a lot of personal desires.
A child's life originally carries the expectations of many parents.
In order to prevent children from escaping their responsibilities, parents have long begun to implant the concepts of "parental sacrifice" and "raising children to prevent old age" in their children.
Generation after generation has been nurtured and rendered by this consciousness for a long time.
As the girl said in the post: Grandma also treats her mother like that.
So, mom will treat her like this.
However, just because the mother did not resist does not mean that her daughter will not be in pain.
When we discuss the education of parents, we aim to face up to the shortcomings of the education of the older generation, to reflect on the real causes of suffering, and to put an end to this suffering in our case.
Our generation finally doesn't have to tie up their children's lives to insure their future.
Loving children is no longer for some utilitarian purpose.
It's respect and love from the heart.
Don't project too many expectations onto your children, and exchange your children's lives for them.
With such a lightened parent-child relationship, I believe everyone will be relaxed.
Click [Follow], there is a kind of love for children, which is to let go of your hands.
In your growth career, have you ever encountered "self-moving" education, welcome to chat with you in the message area.