How many families are clearly in love, but they suffer each other and drive each other crazy

There is no doubt that parents love their children. But if love is in the wrong way, the result can only be mutual suffering.

In a harmonious home, every point of love must be matched with nine points of respect and tolerance.

Author | summer

Some time ago, a 10-year-old boy in Shijiazhuang ran away from home after taking a perfect art class and did not return all night.

The boy's family was in a panic, posted missing person notices everywhere, and contacted search and rescue teams.

More than 200 residents of the community and members of the rescue team braved the freezing cold of minus 10 degrees Celsius to search for them all night.

Early the next morning, the emergency rescue team finally found the boy.

He was sitting under the balcony of a house with his legs crossed, shivering from the cold.

When the rescue team staff tried to take him home, he would rather continue to suffer from the cold than go home and face his parents.

After understanding, I knew:

It turned out that after the double reduction, the boy's parents enrolled the boy in many make-up classes because of their own time and knowledge limitations: art, mathematics, piano Xi......

The boy was a little tired of practicing, and his mother said some bad things to the boy in a fit of anger.

The boy felt that he was under too much pressure, and he didn't know how to deal with it for a while, and he didn't know how to face his parents, so he had no choice but to run away.

To be honest, I feel very sorry for this little boy, who is only 10 years old and has to bear such heavy pressure, but at the same time, I also feel sorry for my parents who have worked so hard for the boy's future and future.

Parents undoubtedly love their children dearly.

However, many times, the love of parents also invisibly brings great pressure and harm to children.

is like what is said in "The Bond of Mother's Love":

"Love comes from parents, and sadly hurt also comes from parents, and this hurt is hidden and heavy. ”

In life, there are really too many families who love each other, but they suffer each other and drive each other crazy.

There is a line in the movie "Our World":

"What else can children do besides going to and from school?"

This is the voice of many parents, and it is also a nightmare for many children.

There is a child named Yu Yang in the popular "Minglong Boy".

His dad was a truck driver, and his mom was a cafeteria aunt.

Mom doesn't want him to suffer the hardships he has endured, and wants to train him to be a talent, a person who can sit in the office and blow the air conditioner and live a decent life.

So, in order to better train him and let him be admitted to college, his mother used 70% of his family's income to enroll him in Xi classes, and did not let him do anything other than Xi study.

In order to supervise him and take care of him more conveniently, his mother also specially chartered the cafeteria of his high school and became a cooking aunt.

In order to let him read against time, his mother personally helped him undress, helped him get hot water to scrub his body, even if his colleagues entered the room, regardless of his shame, while nagging, while continuing to help him wipe the bath in front of others.

When the class was selected at the beginning of the school year, his mother was like his spokesperson, showing his past grades and certificates in front of the teacher, and proudly told the teacher:

"He is devoted to learning Xi, except for eating and sleeping, he just wants to learn Xi, and he doesn't even like to take a bath, so he wants to get a copy. ”

His mother helped him sweep away all the things in his life that were useless to his Xi studies, and wanted him to become excellent.

But what about the facts.

His grades can barely be used in two books.

He was ridiculed by his classmates as a "mom boy" who couldn't do anything but Xi study;

was ridiculed by the teacher as a performative hard worker who only takes beautiful notes, can't use his brain, and doesn't know why he learned Xi;

He seems to be learning Xi every day, but not once is he ignoring the expectations of others, he wants to do it himself, he wants to learn;

He has become a "weirdo" with low self-esteem, introverts, and constant anxiety and nervousness.

Professor Li Meijin once said:

"Don't let your child stay at home all day to learn Xi, otherwise his brain will be highly excited and the cerebellum will not be stimulated."

If the nerves in the brain are not excited, it is prone to psychological problems. ”

Behind only letting children learn Xi, there are a series of problems:

Lose the motivation to study, have no interest in life, lack of social inability, and cannot find the meaning Xi of life......

Learning Xi was originally intended to make children stronger.

However, only letting children learn Xi creates a cage that traps children.

Remember the thinker Goethe once said:

"Too many parents try to make their children's lives easier, only to end up making their children's lives harder. ”

A girl from a wealthy family has always been a top student in elementary school, and her parents are very pleased.

However, when the girl was admitted to the local key junior high school, there were too many children around her who were better than her, and her parents began to become anxious and began to force the girl to study hard Xi.

In addition to the homework assigned by the school, the parents gave the girl a lot of extra homework, and the girl had to study until two or three o'clock Xi in the morning every day.

Under the long-term pressure, the girl suffered from severe anxiety and depression and was forced to take a break from school and stay at home.

But even so, the girl's parents were still afraid that she would delay her school classes, and they forced her to continue going to school.

Forced to hide, the girl climbed onto the windowsill of the classroom on the first day of the new semester and attempted suicide, but was fortunately saved by other parents and avoided an even greater tragedy.

Every parent wants their child to be the best.

But the reality is that not every child can be the top of the pack.

There is an upper limit to a child's ability, and there is also an upper limit to what he can endure.

Parents impose their own expectations on their children, blindly forcing their children to work hard and force their children to be excellent, which is tantamount to putting the heaviest shackles on their children, allowing them to accomplish something that is impossible and destroying their children invisibly.

Some parents are afraid that their children will take a detour and are always eager to help their children make the right choice;

Some parents nurture their children just to let them realize their dreams;

Some parents want their children to be happy at no cost, wishful thinking to help their children arrange their lives.

Either of the above, on the surface, it is for the good of the child.

But in fact, it is all the harm of hidden needles.

A netizen was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 36 and happily posted on the Internet:

"I've never been happier than I am now, and I can finally do whatever I want. ”

After reading her self-report, I realized that she was a "child of someone else's family" since she was a child, but all the major decisions in her life were made by her parents:

Applicants for the high school entrance examination, college entrance examination, choice of major, including jobs to be engaged in after graduation......

She tried to fight, but none of them succeeded.

When she chose her undergraduate major, she liked English interpreting, and her parents forced her to choose international finance because it was more popular.

She took Chinese literature in college and got the first grade in her class, and her parents said disdainfully:

"There is no value. ”

After graduating, in order to make her parents happy, she went to work in the Big Four accounting firms with high salaries.

When she called her father for comfort because of too much pressure at work, she was scolded by her father.

After a few years of work, she got a job as the best financial media reporter in China and was accepted into an Ivy League graduate school, but her parents once again forced her to study finance, which she didn't like.

She didn't like high-pressure work, wanted to quit her job, wanted to emigrate, and was opposed by her family as always.

It wasn't until she got cancer and her life entered the countdown that she finally saw the dawn of getting rid of her parental control and had the courage to live according to her own wishes, which is really sad to think about.

Psychological counselor Wu Zhihong once said:

"For a child to grow and mature, it needs to be empowered by their parents.

The so-called authorization is:

Allow you to leave my side, out of my control;

Allow you to be different from me, even beyond me;

Allow you to run to the wider world and be yourself......"

Children are not our tools, they are not our accessories, they have their own independent selves, they have the right to choose their own lives.

Chen Yu, a psychology expert, once interviewed two boys:

A boy's parents were too busy with work to keep an eye on him learning Xi.

As a result, he had a lot of freedom to explore and read a lot of books.

Slowly, he felt that what was taught in school could not feed him, so he offered to take a year off, and his parents agreed.

In the course of a year, he read 100 books, and also learned from Zhihu's last powerful answerer, and the two co-authored a 100,000-word research article.

After these things were done, he returned to school, and Teacher Chen Yu asked him:

When I went back after taking a year off, did I encounter any academic difficulties?

He smiled and said:

"The only difficulty is that I often find that what the teacher says is wrong, and I have to resist the urge to refute. ”

The parents of another boy have consciously created many opportunities for him to explore freely since he was a child.

For example, I often take him to see a lot of performances, exhibitions, films, documentaries, take him on trips, and open up a wide world for him.

As a result, he was able to constantly feel and test what he liked and what he was good at, which gave rise to a great curiosity about the world.

Driven by curiosity, he learned a lot of deep and miscellaneous knowledge, which was completely beyond the scope of the syllabus, and he regarded learning Xi as a thing he loved and a lifelong thing.

Many parents think that things other than Xi are useless for their children.

But in fact, giving children more free exploration outside of learning Xi can stimulate children's internal drive, help children find the value and meaning of learning Xi, so that children can defeat "forced efforts" with "self-driven efforts" and truly fall in love with school Xi.

I remember that Bai Yansong once said to his son:

"If you want to take the first place, I will cut ties with you. ”

He also emphasized in his "Life Email" to his son:

"Life is not a competition, and you don't have to think of hitting the line as the greatest honor.

The person who is the first may be fragile, and the taste above everyone is exhausted, and if there is a fall, what he feels may be sadness, so he will always move forward.

The person who stands in the first position is not necessarily the winner, and every time the first is always a momentary scenery, but he can't bet on the smoothness of a lifetime. ”

Under Bai Yansong's sobriety and calmness, his son Bai Qingyang has a lot of different experiences from other children, and also has a different kind of aggressiveness.

He devoted himself to the study of Mongolian history based on his own interests, and became an expert on Mongolian history at a young age.

He often participated in extracurricular activities, and was selected by the teachers of King's College London, and became a preparatory student of this school, and was eligible for admission without examinations.

As it says in The Gardener and the Carpenter:

"Carpenter-like parents are rushing to 'shape a finished product' to raise their children, and the children are trimmed to the point that they may not be satisfying.

Gardener parents, on the other hand, are responsible for an open, stable, and loving space where any child with infinite possibilities can flourish at will. ”

So, you see, good parents never focus on their children's excellence, but on whether their children can become the best version of themselves.

Only by respecting children's choices, withdrawing from children's lives, and letting children choose the path they want to take, can children gain the strength to grow and make the road of life wider and wider.

"A Good Mother is Better Than a Good Teacher" reads:

"The love of parents is as deep as the sea, but there is a qualitative difference.

It is not the parents' education, income, status, etc., that determines the quality, but their understanding of the child and the level of handling of details. ”

Good parents never put their children in a brazier to roast, but try their best to ignite their children's hearts:

Caring about whether the child's need to be loved is being met;

accept the child's ordinariness and imperfections;

Give your children back the freedom, respect, tolerance, and appreciation they want;

Awaken children's sense of life and worth.

Only by first meeting the needs of children, discovering their own value, and giving children enough spiritual nutrients and space for growth, can we stimulate children's potential and let children grow faster and better.

In this way, it is the best love for children and the most successful education.