Over-exerting your child's energy will ruin him!

Every child is a natural receiver of energy, nourished by love, in order to be as bright as light.

Parents must learn to empower their children, encourage and affirm them more, and guide them to grow upward.

Author | Maple

In the process of raising children, many parents often have a question:

The same is the child, why some children are confident, sunny, positive, energetic in everything they do, and not afraid of difficulties and challenges.

However, some children are always withdrawn, have low self-esteem, are depressed, look listless, and feel that there is no vitality in their bodies.

In fact, the difference in the middle is energy.

A child's state of energy is the state of his life.

An educator once said: "A good family should be the strongest gas station for children." Good parents should be the most important source of energy for their children. ”

But in life, the education of many parents does not "add value" to their children's growth, but "consumes" their children.

In particular, the following three types of education consume children's growth energy the most.

1

Like to babble and reason

I used to be a mom who liked to be reasonable.

The child procrastinates in his homework, and I told him bitterly that "children who are self-disciplined and those who are not self-disciplined live completely different lives".

My child always wants to play with his mobile phone, and I will tell him on the sidelines, "You have to be the master of the mobile phone, not the slave of the mobile phone".

Even when the child goes to bed a little later, I can't help but talk about all kinds of thoughts: sleeping too late does not grow tall, and it also affects learning...

At that time, I didn't realize that reasoning is also a kind of verbal violence.

Until I saw a netizen's confiding on the Internet:

"From childhood to adulthood, no matter how big or small, my mother kept nagging.

The more I hid, the more my mother made sense.

The more I fought against my mother, the more she fell behind.

Living with anger and frustration all day long, I don't know what the fun of learning is, what the meaning of life is, and what the joy of living is!"

Only then did I realize that too much truth is a kind of torture for children.

Psychologist Marshall said:

When language tends to ignore people's feelings and needs, to the point of alienating and hurting each other, this style of communication makes it difficult to appreciate the love in one's heart. ”

Chattering and reasoning, seemingly for the good of the child, is actually eroding the child's energy.

Because the child only feels the distrust and manipulation of his parents, he expends all his energy on resistance rather than change.

Likes to complain endlessly to children

On Zhihu, a blogger called parents who like to complain "walking clouds".

She said: "As soon as my mother spoke, I felt that there was no light in my life. ”

Since she was a child, every time her mother quarreled with her father, she would keep counting her father in front of her, and when it was over, she poured her resentment on her:

"Hey, how did I marry your dad blindly, and then give birth to you as an annoying elf..."

"If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have been able to live this day a long time ago..."

Usually when I eat, my mother either complains that this dish is expensive, or complains that she is not good at studying, and scolds for more than ten minutes, causing her to be stuck in her throat every time she eats.

In the girl's words: "Every time my mother opened her mouth, I was overwhelmed by the fact that I could see her lips open and close, and I felt the sound of complaints constantly filling my eardrums." ”

This led to her gradually "inheriting" her mother's negative energy, and she became pessimistic when looking at problems.

When it was serious, he also thought about suicide.

There is a proverb: "If you cry a lot, you can't see the stars." ”

Parents love to complain, and the home will become an "emotional dump".

Children living in the "garbage heap" have accumulated too much pain and depression in their hearts, and the sun naturally can't shine in.

At this time, the child is like a small grass growing in the desert, and the growth of nutrients is not supplied, so it can only continue to consume itself, and eventually wither.

Likes to blame children excessively over small things

Li Xin, a master of psychosomatic medicine, once shared a real-life case.

Li Nan, a sophomore student at a 211 university, suddenly suspended her studies at home, and either played games or ate, drank and slept every day.

My mother beat and scolded, and the girl just refused to go to school, saying that she was a useless waste.

After some consultation, Li Xin found that the cause of the child was his mother.

Since childhood, whenever her daughter does not do well in the exam or is lazy to relax, her mother will keep accusing:

"Are you worthy of my hard work on you?"

Once, my daughter just missed some homework left by her mother, and her mother lost her temper and scolded her while kicking her out of the door to do her homework, regardless of how late it was.

On weekdays, my mother often gets angry because of a little mistake or problem.

The constant accusations and criticisms are like a sharp blade, which consumes too much of the girl's energy and mental strength to fight.

Behind the girl's rottenness, it is because the energy is excessively consumed, and there is only a sense of frustration and powerlessness left in her heart.

The book "Self-Awakening: Give Children the Best Family of Origin" says:

Parents' harshness of their children will be internalized in their children's self-esteem, thus forming a set of "anti-self" internal voices that allow children to attack themselves.

In the final analysis, excessive accusation is essentially a hidden attack.

It makes children gradually lose their self-confidence and sunshine in an environment of constant denial and criticism, and consumes their vitality in anxiety and internal friction.

Children feel the vitality of their parents' words and deeds.

Wise parents do not be negative energy parents, but empowering parents, providing energy for their children and helping them grow.

1. Positive dialogue

What parents say, what kind of energy is emitted.

Teacher Fan Deng is always positive and optimistic when communicating with his son.

The son's exam made Fan Deng's "Deng" write a little less, and he blamed himself very much.

After hearing this, he praised him: "You are very clever, in ancient times, in order to avoid secrecy, children should have written their parents' names wrong", which suddenly resolved his son's troubles.

The teacher wronged his son for speaking in class and punished his son, so he told him about the mess he had when he was a child and was arranged by the teacher to sit on the edge of the broom, and his son's grievances disappeared in an instant.

In the process of children's growth, it is inevitable that there will be various problems, and the catharsis of negative energy will only make children fall into it.

With calm emotions and positive dialogue, parents' language will be like a small energy bullet that will be shot into the child's heart and inject new energy into the child.

2. Create a good family atmosphere

Children are a product of the family environment.

A bad family atmosphere is like poison, which will eat away at the child's vitality little by little. A good family atmosphere is like soil, which can nourish a child's life.

To create a family atmosphere, parents can do the following:

Before entering the house, dust off the "dust" on your body and throw away your bad mood

Arguments are okay, but they must be aimed at resolving them

Don't get entangled in trivial matters, don't blame big things, and carry them together in case of trouble

Hold regular family meetings to promote parent-child communication

A relaxed, warm, democratic, and free family is an energy field, and in it, children are naturally full of vitality.

3. Praise your child often

Children need praise just as much as plants need sunlight and water.

"Sister Confidant" Lu Qin never hesitates to praise her son, no matter what her son does, she praises "great", "It's different to have a son or not a son".

Under her praise, her son is always full of motivation, not only has a strong ability to live, but also learns very well.

Here is a "341 praise method" for parents:

3. Yes, children can be praised at any time, in any place, in any event;

4 is, affirm emotions, affirm motivation, affirm what has been done, and affirm what can be improved.

1 is, the only criterion: whether the child's positive feelings are protected and enhanced.

Praise is powerful.

Children who are often praised will have infinite motivation and love in their hearts, and they will become better and better in the direction that their parents want.

4. Be good at expressing love

For children, it is always easy for us to blurt out criticism, but "love" is always hidden deep in our hearts.

Lin Qingxuan once said:

"Abundant love alone is not enough, and the same important thing as love is the practice and true expression of hard work, and love without practice and expression is intangible and illusory. ”

Love needs to be expressed in order for the child to feel loved.

Actor Huo Siyan often tells him how much he loves him in his daily life, and sometimes he can't help but kiss his hand.

Hmmm, who grew up watered by love, is like a little sun, warm and loving to everyone. is also like a small grass, with a strong heart, even if he is "attacked" by netizens, he can generously respond to "people must accept their imperfections".

There is a saying: Only children who are nourished by love can be as bright as light.

Plant love in the hearts of children, and the children's hearts will have enough happiness and be born to the sun.

5. High-quality accompaniment

In "The Reader", there is such a sentence:

"Companionship is warm, and it means that there are people in this world who are willing to give you the most beautiful thing, and that is time. ”

But for many busy working parents, the time they can spend with them is really limited.

What to do?

Li Zhenxi, dean of the Institute of Education, pointed out that companionship is not about the duration, but about whether it is patient and whether it is attentive.

To achieve high-quality companionship, parents should do a good job of these "three ones", which does not require a lot of time, but can give their children good companionship:

Talk: Chat with your child for 10 minutes.

For a while: Take a walk with your child after a meal, or take a trot.

A lamp: a family reads together under the lamp, or the child studies, and the parents do their own thing quietly on the side.

These moments that are accompanied by parents are like sparks, which will eventually converge into a torch and continue to enrich the hearts of children.

6. Lead by example

In a family full of positive energy, parents are always the best role models for their children.

A blogger on the Internet once said:

For more than ten years, my father insisted on getting up at 6:30 every day to read books and recharge.

And as long as my mother has free time, she will pick up a book and read it carefully.

Every day after dinner, my parents would always meet downstairs to play ball or go for a run.

During this period, although his parents never told him what to do, they always used their own behavior to motivate him and make him gradually become self-disciplined.

As Dong Yuhui said: "Role models are the best growth force." ”

When parents strive to be themselves and live themselves as a light, children will gather majestic strength and move forward bravely on the road to follow.

Someone on Zhihu asked:

As an ordinary parent, there are no excellent resources, and there is not much culture, how to educate your children well?

Gao Zan replied:

Encourage him, recognize him, praise him, understand him, and support him. Don't transfer your own cognition, anxiety, anger, fear and grievances to your children, which is the best education for your children.

Yes, the essence of education is to empower children, not to create trauma for children.

The meaning of the existence of parents is that when a child thinks of you, his heart will be full of strength.

Click [Like], I hope that every parent can give their children enough energy to grow up, and raise a child who is rich in heart and full of spirit.