Originally published in China Youth Magazine, No. 6, 2021
@Wen/Wang to the north
This year's Spring Festival Gala can be called the strongest marriage promotion Spring Festival Gala in history, and the sketch "Every Festive Season is Urged to Marry" makes some single elderly young women cry out nervously when they watch - their parents are sitting next to them, afraid that they will also have extreme "empathy" like Aunt Kelly.
There is nothing wrong with urging marriage itself, and it is reasonable for parents to hope that their children will form a happy family as soon as possible. But some of the erroneous values that accompany the phenomenon of marriage urging are poisoning older youth, especially women of the right age. For example, "You're almost thirty, what else do you pick?" Find a pleasing quick marriage concept of "hurrying to marry"; such as the stigmatization behavior of "the depreciation of older unmarried women"...
It's not that she's an independent woman
Some self-proclaimed independent women believe that being single symbolizes their independence and freedom is indeed biased. Marriage and new-age female independence are not incompatible. Sociological giant Durkheim found in a suicide study that people always seek their own meaning in their relationships with others, and that individuals are not sufficient sources of their own meaning. When we have no other goal but ourselves, all our efforts will be meaningless, and we will lose the courage to live.
Statistics also show that married people are less likely to commit suicide than single people.
That being the case, independent women are also ordinary people and have the need to establish "links" with others. As Professor Shen Yifei of Fudan University points out, the marriage relationship is precisely such a simple and direct link relationship. Let's not overestimate our tolerance for a dull life, love and marriage are also one of the platforms for women's growth.
No one is completely isolated, and the yearning for love and marriage does not represent our camp of betraying the new independent women. More women are beginning to yearn for "love marriage", which means that the spiritual needs are improving.
In other words, "It's not that the sooner you marry, the happier you must be." We want to marry right than to marry early. ”
If the past marriage was a "role marriage" (men played the role of their husbands well, women are very satisfied), for example, many women do not divorce even if the marital feelings are no longer compatible, and feel that as long as the nominal husband is there, the complete family is there; then the current marriage is a "love marriage", more women think that I am not for a husband, but hope to have a husband who "can talk and have common ideas", and have more spiritual needs beyond materials. The external conditions in the eyes of the elders are matched, not the sufficient conditions for them to enter the marriage.
Not long ago, my friend chose to break up with her boyfriend who had been in love for four years and was about to get married.
At that time, the friend's aunt was only thinking that the boy's family was a demolition household in Beijing, and thought that the young man's economic conditions were considerable, so she was busy introducing him to a friend.
After getting along, the girl found that the boy was a somewhat conceited and superior person. The boy's brother-in-law is from Henan, so the boy often says in front of the girl: "This Henan man came to our house to get a Beijing hukou, and gave two children a hukou. ”
The repeated face of this kind of insulting remarks made my friend intolerable: "Every time I hear him say these words that are regionally discriminatory and disrespectful, I am particularly disgusted by his rude and sharp character. When the elders were beating us up, I didn't know how to judge whether we should be with someone, and the elders said he was good, so let's be together. After getting along, we found that our discourse system is actually very different, and the three views are extremely inconsistent. ”
And this relationship also learned a lesson from our friends around us: "I now understand that what I want to be with is someone who can appreciate each other, can talk, and be similar." On this basis, it is possible to talk further about marriage with the other party. ”
There is a lyric in "Late Marriage": I never wanted to be single, but I had a premonition of late marriage. I am waiting, the only fit in the world for the soul.
If it is the right person, it does not matter if it is late, although it is late, it will not be absent. Instead of hastily marrying an inappropriate person for the rest of your life because of age anxiety, it is better to wait a while.
Another real situation we are facing at the moment is that more women are beginning to pursue "equal marriage" and the demands on themselves are also increasing.
First slim yourself, then qi family
"We pursue an equal relationship with equal energy on both sides. Marriage is not a charcoal in the snow, but the icing on the cake. ”
The latest figures show that the single adult population is as high as 240 million. Since 2014, the domestic marriage and childbearing rate has continued to decline. Among them, unmarried and elderly young women have also become an increasingly large team.
Why? Because more women realize that no matter how good marriage is, it is only part of happiness, and more happiness and equality must come from themselves. If you don't cultivate yourself well, you rush into marriage with a roar, and it is easy to lose your right to choose and freedom.
Just like zhao Jingyu, the legitimate wife of "Sea King" Liang Zhengxian in the TV series "Thirty Only", when she forced Wang Manni and Liang Zhengxian to break up, she said: "Every once in a while, there will be a girl around him, and when he is tired, he will let me come forward to settle down." Me and you, who is more miserable? I'll be able to let you go starting tomorrow, but who can let me go? I want to go on with this life. I didn't want to give up such feelings, but after seven years of captivity, I don't know how to face life. ”
This deformed marriage is not common in real life, but it is enough to reflect the new blind spots in the contemporary emotional world.
The proportion of contemporary women with high-quality education has increased significantly, and their contribution and dedication to the workplace are not inferior to those of men. These women position themselves in future marriages as independent individuals, not as vassals of anyone. Because I want to be truly respected and strive for equal family voice, it has a lot to do with the economic foundation.
Just like teacher Shen Yifei said: "A good marriage must be the courage of both parties to divorce." "We'd better have to build a marriage relationship as an independent individual. Women's economic independence is also a very critical element of independence.
But in a highly competitive society, women to improve themselves, want to make themselves better, itself need a certain amount of time cost and energy investment, before the completion of these important goals, some women will postpone the marriage plan a little later, which is why there are more and more unmarried older young women.
So, if you think that the destination of the road of life is "a better self", don't panic that "age equals depreciation" because you are older. Instead of looking left and right on the road and eagerly expecting the true destiny to appear, it is better to firmly walk towards a "better self", and halfway through, you may meet the person who can become better with you.
One should also live a bright and interesting life
Without exploring whether there is a problem with the sketch lines, many single girls themselves often demote themselves to self-deprecation: I am a single dog, eating and traveling by myself, and walking and stopping alone - the words reveal the miserable feeling of "people are paired up, but I am alone".
But some girls, alone, still live colorful, bright and interesting.
The actress in the Korean variety show "I Live Alone" jing zhen and lives a simple and solitary life of one bedroom and one living room. Healthy living habits, half an apple and a cup of coffee to open the morning of light food healing; rich interests, although girls can play with various types of pistol drills, keen on carpentry, can saw their own wooden boards to build shelves, will buy materials according to their own preferences to decorate the terrace and atmosphere lights; a person will also eat well, take cooking as enjoyment, exquisite plating, and put light music on themselves when eating. These are the ways she loves herself.
When asked: Doesn't it feel lonely to eat alone? Her response was: "I'll instead focus more on food, so it's fine." ”
Being single can also be very interesting and fulfilling, and there is no such thing as being lonely and pitiful.
Li Xueqin said in the talk show: It seems that for girls, twenty-five and thirty are two particularly critical ages. Twenty-five is a countdown, five years down, you have to find the object, or when the thirtieth birthday comes, that hurdle will become an abyss.
But if you are in a hurry to get married, you will definitely be able to cross this abyss? The answer is: not necessarily. In fact, there is no abyss in the real world, but the more people staring, the more abyss. As soon as you close your eyes and stride forward, you will find that it is not as terrible as you think.
Older young women are not rejecting and resisting marriage, but we don't want to be casual about this matter.
Producer: Pi Jun
Final Judgement: Lin Yuhong
Reviewer: Chen Min, Liu Xiao, Liu Bowen
Editor-in-charge: Yu Dan Hao Jinbo