I saw this help post on Zhihu: "Once I helped my classmates fetch water during recess, and since then, they have all tacitly agreed that I will fill water at that time and handed me water cups." I wanted to say no, but I felt they trusted me to help. I suspect I'm a flattering personality and don't know how to get rid of it? ”
In fact, there are many such people in life, and they feel that it is really difficult to refuse others! So as long as someone asks you for help, no matter how busy you are, you will not refuse, and you will eventually make yourself very tired, and you may be ridiculed for not doing things well.
Then, you are likely to have fallen into the psychological trap of a flattering personality.
What is a flattering personality? It is a personality model of "always wanting to please others uncontrollably", not only habitually giving and compromising, but also having a great tolerance for the mistakes of others.
The formation of this personality is often related to life experiences since childhood.
01. 8 behavioral manifestations of the flattering personality
One mother said that her son started kindergarten last year, and the teacher told her that her child was too well-behaved and sensible in school.
No matter what the teacher says to the child, he always habitually nods his head and never refutes. Playing with children, I am always cautious for fear of upsetting others. Even if he is playing with his beloved toy, other children want to play and ask him to ask him, obviously he is unwilling, but he still pretends to be very happy to others.
At first, the mother thought that the child was polite and sensible, but the teacher told her that the child should be curious, so strong, and too well-behaved is not a good thing, but is suppressing himself and pleasing others.
What are the obvious characteristics and behaviors of children with a flattering personality?
▶ The most striking feature of the flattering personality is that it is difficult to say "no";
▶ often apologize and fear others to blame you;
▶ pretend to agree with others in order to cater to others, even against their own will;
▶ Believe that they should be responsible for the feelings of others;
▶ Always put the needs of others first and ignore your own;
▶ If someone else is angry with themselves and feels sad;
▶ Only when you are praised and recognized by others do you feel good;
▶ I can't express myself truthfully, and even if I am emotionally hurt, I will deliberately hide it.
From the above behavior, it is not difficult to see that children with flattering personalities do not live happily, they do not see their own value, so they constantly use pandering and flattering in exchange for positive evaluations of themselves by others.
02. Parents often do this, and children are prone to form a flattering personality
The formation of a child's personality is related to the parenting style of the parents. If parents do this often, it is easy to develop a "flattering personality" child
First, often ignore children's thoughts and feelings.
When children ask their parents questions with doubts, mothers often respond impatiently: "Don't ask so much, just listen to me, just do what I say."
Parents often talk to their children like this, in fact, they ignore the child's thoughts and feelings, and when he grows up, he does not dare to express his true thoughts, and will feel that "he is not important, the feelings of others are the most important." ”
Second, often make decisions for your children, "I'm all for your good."
Such parents make decisions for their children, often in the name of "I'm all for your own good." In fact, the child loses the judgment of independent choice, and for a long time, the child does not dare to make his own decisions. When you grow up, you are also unassertive, and it is easy to listen to others against your will.
Third, often lose your temper with your child.
When children are young, they are afraid of their mother's tantrums. In order not to make their mother lose her temper, they will find various ways to make their mother happy and make their life better. If you keep doing this, children will grow up to be insecure, happy to welcome and please others, and cower in doing things.
Fourth, often crack down on criticism.
"Look at you, you can't do anything well" "You see how obedient people are, and study well" Parents often speak in such a tone, which will make children feel that they are not good, feel that they are inferior to others, and lack a sense of self-worth in their hearts.
In fact, every child wants to be affirmed and recognized by others. As the closest person to the child, parents have been hitting the child like this, the child will not recognize himself in his heart, have a low sense of self-worth, and gain the approval of others by currying favor with others.
03. What should parents do if the family has a flattering personality
Parents find that their children have a tendency to please personalities, and they should start from the bits and pieces of daily life to help their children get out of the strange circle of pleasing and pleasing others, and be their true selves.
First, teach children to say "no."
Reasonable rejection of others is the key to getting rid of a flattering personality. Tell your child: Refusal is a right. When your beloved toy is taken away, you can say "no" out loud. Everyone is responsible for themselves, responsible for their emotions, and wants to be happy, and they can't get by pleasing others.
When children learn to say no, they can better value themselves, care more about their own feelings, and stop "currying" over others.
Second, encourage children to express themselves sincerely.
In order to "please" others, children with fawning personalities often hide their true thoughts. Therefore, parents should encourage them to express their true thoughts freely, and listen patiently, to experience their children's feelings, and not to judge right or wrong.
Especially some very important things that the child himself recognizes, try to let the child learn to be himself. To make the child realize that his thoughts and feelings are important and that he or she is the most important person, so that he or she can shift his attention from others to himself.
Third, give children unconditional love and attention.
Children with flattering personalities are insecure and often feel inferior, anxious and nervous, so parents must give their children unconditional love and attention.
Parents should not only pay attention to whether their children's external performance is good or not, but also pay more attention to their children's inner feelings, and care whether their children are tired and happy. When children are loved unconditionally, their hearts become brave and strong, and they gradually get rid of the haze of "flattering personality".
Write at the end
The book "The Courage to Be Hated" says: "The meaning of life is up to you. Not living to meet the expectations of others. Only by being true to yourself can you attract people who really identify with and like you. ”
The child becomes the most important thing for himself. Children with a flattering personality, parents should not worry and worry too much, as long as the parents change, the children will definitely change.
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