The "unqualified parent" behavior table exposed: what kind of parent you are, what is the life of your child

There was a popular question on Zhihu:

"Don't let the child lose at the starting line, is it the biggest lie?"

Here's what a high praise answer says:

"This sentence is not a lie, it is just used in the wrong object, because parents are the real starting line for children."

Yes, every child is born with a blank piece of paper, and it is precisely because the parents who are the authors render and sketch on the paper that the child has a completely different look.

Previously, someone on the Internet summarized a self-check form for unqualified parental behavior.

It is not difficult to see that most of the problems in children are projections of parents' problems.

Therefore, on the way to educating children, parents must check themselves in time, do not let their wrong education methods delay the growth of their children.

Especially the following pits, parents must avoid -

01

Demeaning education makes children feel inferior and sensitive throughout their lives

China Youth Daily once did a survey, the results showed:

More than 90 percent of the more than 2,000 respondents aged 18-35 said their parents had verbally assaulted them.

Another 59.7% of respondents believe that percussive education makes them lack self-confidence and easily fall into self-denial.

In life, it is not uncommon for parents who like to belittle their children, they always use the banner of "for your good", but every word they say is a knife in the child's heart.

The program "Psychological Interview" once told the story of a girl who gnawed an old family:

Fan Chengjin, 33, still does not work or marry ten years after graduating from college, and nests in his parents' house every day.

When asked by reporters about the reason, she emotionally accused: "I grow three inches, they will give me two inches, I have only a little left, it is very difficult to grow." ”

It turned out that no matter what she did from childhood to adulthood, all she received from her parents was denial and sarcasm.

In junior high school, she liked sculpture and design, and showed her works with joy, but her parents directly poured cold water: "What's the use of liking that?" Nothing can be done. ”

She took the initiative to cook a meal, and her parents picked and chosen: "Why do you put water on hold so much?" You can't cook a meal! ”

She wanted to start a business, and her parents said sarcastically: "Nothing can be achieved, if you can achieve something, I will kneel for you."

Under such a blow, Fan Chengjin became more and more inferior and sensitive, not only unable to communicate with strangers normally, but also had serious psychological disorders.

In the end, she completely abandoned herself and became the terrible person her parents said.

Psychologist Susan Foward wrote in "Native Family":

"The damage caused by the blow from parents is not just in the moment. It runs through the years, like a needle, deeply rooted in the hearts of children. ”

Every child dances on the tip of their parents' tongue.

If you are always degraded by your parents when you are young, it will be difficult for children to find their own value when they grow up.

Wise parents never act as bad critics for their children, but use recognition and encouragement to awaken their children's internal drive and light up the light of their lives.

02

Bottomless doting, accustomed to the appetite of the rebel son

I once watched a cartoon called "Giant Baby", in which there is a pair of parents who unconditionally satisfy their children.

From childhood to adulthood, his son has always lived a life of clothes to stretch his hands and food to open his mouth, as long as he shouts "mother", the family will take care of everything for him.

Until my father died in a car accident, the family was in trouble since then, and my mother even had to sell furniture to make ends meet.

The eldest son, who is not young, does not care about all this, and still only cares about playing games every day, and asks his mother for whatever he wants.

Only this time, when he offered to buy expensive VR glasses, his mother could no longer do anything but take out his bloody kidney and sell it.

The son was full of joy and got what he wanted, and as soon as he got home, he started playing again.

It wasn't until he got tired of playing that he found that his mother had already fallen in a pool of blood.

Parents love their children instinctively, but responsive love is a poison, delaying the growth of children, and raising "white-eyed wolves" who do not know how to be grateful.

Saw an infuriating video.

A boy in Jiangsu invited his classmates to play games at home, and he was still making loud noises in his room in the wee hours of the morning.

The father pushed the door to remind him that it was too late, but angered the boy, who felt that his father had let himself lose face in front of his friends.

So, he rushed forward and punched and kicked his father, severely strangled his father's neck with his arms, and yelled: "You roll, you roll."

Mother and grandfather heard the sound and rushed over, and after just a few words of persuasion, the boy kicked his elderly grandfather to the ground.

Finally, still angry, he directly unscrewed a bottle of drink and poured it on his father's head.

The boy's behavior was staggering, but the saddest thing was that no one in the family stopped the entire violence.

Even the tall and burly father swallowed his anger, not willing to fight back, allowing the child to humiliate himself like this.

Education expert Professor Li Meijin said:

"When the child is 3 years old, you don't meet his requirements, he will roll around at most;

But when he is 15, he may self-harm, commit suicide, and argue with you;

But when he turns 20, he may resent you and even attack you. ”

Never indulge your child's nature at this age of discipline.

Love has a measure, and the child will have a measure.

Parents are "ruthless" at the right time, so that children can understand to bear and give, so that they can truly learn to be grateful.

03

Chattering complaints, sucking up the child's energy

Writer Liu Jirong once shared a piece of his own experience:

For a while, her husband worked in the field, and she had to juggle career and family at the same time, and she was very busy and complained a lot.

When she came home from work, she often hung a "bitter melon face", and sighed at every turn when washing and cooking.

On weekends, she also calls friends to complain about the exhaustion and difficulties of being a working mother.

Until one day, she overheard a conversation between her son and a classmate, the content seemed familiar: "I don't have a sense of happiness, where can I laugh, life is too bitter..."

She suddenly shivered, and then realized that her daily complaints sucked away happiness and exhausted the child's psychological energy.

In "Circle Breakout", there is a concept called "black hole man".

This means that some people in life are like black holes, emitting dark energy all day long, swallowing the people around them in the emotional mud.

This is the case with complaining parents, who continue to release negative energy, and as a result, their children also become negative and pessimistic.

Netizen @Xiaochen said: "In my mother's resentful life, I became the biggest victim. ”

It turned out that for as long as she could remember, her mother poured bitter water in her ears every day:

When buying vegetables, the vendor lacks two pounds, the leader is difficult at work, or how irresponsible the father is...

Then he complained about his life, saying what grievances he had suffered by pulling several children up, and what diseases his body had fallen on because of it.

When it comes to emotions, the mother will shed tears and lament the injustice of fate.

Young Xiaochen saw it in his eyes, but it hurt in his heart, and he always felt that he had dragged down his mother's originally beautiful life.

Sensible, she wanted to share this pain, but she couldn't do anything, so she could only insist on being the most loyal listener.

But over time, she gradually became depressed, and she was diagnosed with depression in the second year of junior high school.

Until now, she has to see a psychologist regularly every month to heal the wounded heart of her childhood.

The home is a huge magnetic field, and the child is a natural energy receiver.

A family that does not complain and has positive energy can bring positive influence to children and inject a steady stream of motivation into their growth.

From today onwards, please say less complaining, infect your children with more happy emotions, and fill the family with laughter.

04

The impermeable desire for control deprives children of motivation to grow

Psychological counselor Wu Zhihong shared a case:

A boy who was in adolescence felt that living every day was not interesting, so he was sent by his family for psychotherapy.

The boy is not only mentally depressed, but also often hallucinates his limbs, always feeling that it is not his leg when walking, and he will fall to the ground if he is not careful.

After Wu Zhihong's in-depth inquiry, he found that although the boy came from a wealthy family, his parents' control over him was very strict.

From childhood to adulthood, he must obtain the approval of his parents in everything in study and life, and he has no autonomy in life.

The boy did not resist, feeling that he could endure the pain. But in fact, the repressed emotions have long been externalized into physical symptoms, which make him unbearable in another way.

Psychologist Li Xue said:

A body can only withstand one soul, and if parental control is airtight, the child is actually mentally dead.

Children who grow up under the endless oppression of their parents are deprived of their free will in the morning, and what is left is only a soulless shell.

Remember the female graduate student Yang Yuanyuan who committed suicide in the dormitory?

When she filled in for the college entrance examination, she wanted to apply for Dalian Maritime University, but her mother rejected it because she was too far away from home and was forced to change to Wuhan University.

While in college, my mother ignored the rules, moved her luggage into the dormitory, and slept with her in a 1.2 meter bed for two years.

After graduation, she was admitted to Peking University as a graduate student, but her mother refused on the grounds that her family had no money; She was admitted to the civil service in a small town in Hubei, and her mother disliked "small places, no performance"...

In short, no matter what kind of job she was looking for, her mother was dissatisfied, so she could only go to some casual work and continue to live with her mother.

At the age of thirty, Yang Yuanyuan fought hard and was finally admitted to Shanghai Maritime University as a graduate student.

She was full of enthusiasm for a new life, but her mother once again moved into the dormitory without saying hello.

This time, Yang Yuanyuan was completely disheartened, and she tied two tattered towels to the faucet, ending her life in an extremely painful way.

The roommate once recalled that the washbasin was less than one meter above the ground, and as long as there was still a slight desire to survive, he could terminate the suicide at any time.

But Yang Yuanyuan did not, and she appealed to the world with such a decisive gesture: she was finally able to break free from the clutches of control.

David Thomas said: Some parents teach their children not because of love, but out of fear of separation.

True love is not manipulation and imprisonment, but graceful withdrawal again and again.

Let go of the controlling hand, let the child freely wave his wings, and have his own independent will and growth trajectory.

05

Writer Liu Na once wrote in an article:

"We are all first-time parents, but we are not parents on our first day.

We can always make mistakes for a while and always do not do well enough, but we cannot live in a vicious circle for the rest of our lives, repeatedly hurting children. ”

Children learn to walk in stumbles, and we, as parents, should also slowly complete the "second growth" through continuous cultivation, in the process of reflection and improvement.

Every small step taken by parents is a big step towards excellence for their children.

May we all become qualified parents as soon as possible, give our children a good native family, and build a copper wall for our children with love and responsibility, and protect them to the far side of their hearts.

Give it a thumbs up and encourage all parents.