01
Five days have passed since Li Jiaqi "overturned".
Although he sincerely apologized and cried with guilt, everyone didn't seem to buy it, and they were still unwilling to forgive him.
Everyone really wondered why Li Jiaqi, who had been thinking about fans everywhere, always talking about "all girls", and trying his best to help consumers bring down the price, suddenly stood on the opposite side of fans.
It turns out that when he is live broadcasting, he will advise fans to consume rationally, do not stock up, if there is no money, as long as you come to the live broadcast room to chat, it is also quite good.
And now, just because a girl said that the eyebrow pencil of 79 yuan is expensive, he opened in the live broadcast room:
"Find out why you have been doing it for so many years, have your wages increased, and have you worked well."
Li Jiaqi's career accident has triggered many discussions, such as about burnout, empathy, and the dragon slaying boy eventually becoming a dragon...
Today, I want to talk about something different.
Do you feel that the more Li Jiaqi educates the girl, the more you listen to it, the more you feel like some parents are training their children.
"If you don't do well in the test, you don't work hard!"
"Why don't you learn from the good and non-bad comparisons of others?"
"Why, I said you two sentences that you are not happy with?"
......
Netizens ridiculed, "I use you as an anchor, but you want to be my father." ”
In the end, Li Jiaqi said the last thing he should say as an anchor, and his "crossing the line" caused everyone to feel violated.
So, today I will talk to you about the problem of boundary sense.
02
Sense of boundaries is a psychological concept.
It means that on the level of consciousness, distinguish clearly what is you, what is me, what is yours, and what is mine, such as emotions, desires, expectations, fears, values, relationships, life and life, and so on.
In short, it is to clarify the "territory" in everyone's heart, I am responsible for the emotions and values in my territory, and promise not to invade your territory.
The German philosopher Schopenhauer once said that people are like hedgehogs in winter, too close will be pricked, too far away, and feel cold.
The sense of boundaries exists in any kind of interpersonal relationship, whether it is a work relationship, or friendship, love, and family affection.
03
The reason why we talk about the sense of boundary is because the phenomenon of losing the sense of boundary is particularly prominent in parent-child relationships.
Many parents feel that "you are born to me, and I have the final say in your life", and brazenly trample on their children's "territory".
As everyone knows, this disregard for children's sense of boundaries can lead to many serious problems.
British educational psychotherapist Angela. Clifford. Boston said a child who has no safety boundaries to follow is likely to feel upset and confused.
The turmoil and unrest of the psychological state is the source of most of the child's mental illness.
Facts have proved that many children have psychological problems such as anxiety and depression, and behind them are the shadow of parents' unlimited desire for control and unscrupulous trampling on children's sense of boundaries.
Many parents do not allow their children to close the door, peek into their children's diaries, and even secretly unlock their children's phones to see who they are chatting with while they are asleep.
In their opinion, "I gave it to you, why can't I see it?" ”
But in fact, once the item is given to the child, its ownership belongs to the child. Even parents and children cannot change this.
Even if parents want to move, they must obtain the consent of the child, otherwise your curiosity and possessiveness must be exchanged for the breakdown of the parent-child relationship, or the child will cause various psychological problems because of long-term restlessness and turmoil.
Remember Qiao Yingzi and Song Qian's family in "Little Huanxi"?
Teacher Song, a teacher in five school districts in Beijing, interfered with her daughter's choice in the name of "for your good", did not let her participate in astronomy summer camps, did not let her sign up for her favorite school, did not let her ex-husband buy toys and snacks for her children, and finally came out to watch a movie with her daughter, because her daughter had seen it, she directly pulled the child out, saying that she was wasting time.
She gave her daughter the best educational resources, for the sake of her children's exam preparation, quit her job to focus on tutoring her children at home, and absolutely cared about her children's food, clothing, and housing.
But what does such concern get in exchange?
It was the collapse of Qiao Yingzi's psychological defenses, she began to lose sleep, feel unhappy, and then planned to escape.
In the end, Song Qian finally chased the child back, and after going to the hospital for examination, she learned that she was depressed.
Depression is like a ghost who demands his life, as long as it wants, it can reap a life anytime and anywhere, and it doesn't care whose child or whose parent the owner of this life is.
At this moment, it will not help parents to regret it.
Also, parents do not respect their children's sense of boundaries for a long time, and children will also have no sense of boundaries.
In the movie "Black Swan", there is such a plot, the heroine's mother had to terminate her favorite dance job because she accidentally conceived a child during the rising stage of her career, and pressed all her hopes on the child.
She does not allow the heroine to contact any member of the opposite sex, takes careful care of her life, and is even so careful that she is a little perverted.
Nina, who is an adult, lives in a childlike room with "Swan Lake" in a music box, and her mother helps her with anything other than dancing, including cutting her nails.
After a long period of suppression, Nina began to pursue perfection pathologically, and the most common word in the movie is "perfect".
In this contradictory state of mind, she developed a split personality.
The other personality has been defying her mother's expectations and ruining her plans, and Nina, who pursues perfection, does not allow this personality to exist.
Finally, one day, she killed the personality who "confronted" her, and at the same time, she died, along with her body.
Yes, because of her mother's strict discipline, because her mother wantonly trampled on her sense of boundaries, she regarded her freedom-yearning self as a stumbling block on the road to success, and finally ended her life.
And before her death, she didn't say "freedom" but "parfect" as the audience wanted to hear.
Parents have no sense of boundaries, and the impact on children is fatal.
05
So how do you create a sense of boundary between parents and children?
The first is to clarify your sense of boundaries.
Parents are the mirror of children, what you have, children will have.
If you want your child to have a sense of boundaries, start by letting your child see your sense of boundaries.
Qi Wei's daughter took a fancy to her skirt and wanted to take her mother's skirt for herself, but Qi Wei directly rejected her:
No, it's not yours, it's mine.
So two people, one big and one small, quarreled.
Under her influence, Lucky has also become a very boundary-feeling child, father Lee Seung-hyun wants to show how beautiful Lucky is in front of the camera, let his daughter show her lipstick, at first she was a little hesitant, and then saw her father directly take her makeup bag and tell him directly: You can't turn over my bag.
The sense of boundary is established from this little thing to protect one's property rights. Children with a sense of boundaries will not give in everywhere when getting along with others, so that they can always maintain their boundaries from being violated.
The second is to allow your child to say "no" to you.
There is a picture book called "Don't Touch My Hair", which is about how to establish a sense of boundaries.
Ariel loves her hair because it's soft, curly and elastic.
But in addition to himself, many curious people and animals also like to touch her hair.
But she didn't like it, she fled to the rainforest, the sea, the castle, and finally to a desert island, where no one touched her hair, but she was more eager to socialize with her friends.
So she went home and started trying to say "no" to the people around her.
After speaking her mind out loud, everyone will never touch her hair without her consent again.
The same goes for how we educate our children. Don't be afraid of your child's "rejection" and don't feel that your child's rejection is challenging your authority. A child who knows how to say no will most likely not suffer losses when getting along with others.
There is also respect for the child's "territory".
When I watched "Where Did Daddy Go" at that time, there was a detail that left a deep impression on me, Huang Lei's daughter got a puppy, and Lu Yi's daughter also wanted to play with the puppy after seeing it.
Huang Lei saw that Duoduo was not there, and did not sell Lu Yi's face to agree as soon as he came up, but told Belle that this is Sister Duoduo's puppy, so you have to consult with Sister Duoduo.
He knows that the puppy is in the "heart territory" of Duoduo, so he is also trying to protect the child's territory, respect the child's sense of boundaries, and the child will also respect others.
06
The sense of boundary is a very important psychological awareness in the process of getting along with people, even for the closest people, it is appropriate to leave some sense of boundary for each other, which is also a way to make each other more comfortable.
In the novel "The Kite Runner", there is a sentence, "Children are not picture workbooks, you can't patronize and paint your favorite colors." ”
We can give the child the brush he needs, how to use it, and it is up to him to decide.