1
I was 28 when I met him.
I was originally a laid-off female worker. At that time, my aunt was the head of the labor and personnel department of a state-owned enterprise. A phone call asked me to go back to work. Since the child was still young at that time, her husband worked in a bank and his salary was good. He disagreed at first, saying that the company was hard, but when he thought that it was a state-owned company after all, he dismissed the idea.
Unexpectedly, this return to China was the beginning of an extramarital affair, and this entanglement lasted for 20 years.
He is the head of our department. He was 10 years older than me. He is at an age of high spirits. He was handsome and capable, and he spoke extraordinarily. He was well versed in astronomy and geography. He is such a man with character. He suddenly appeared in my world. At first glance, he is full of good feelings. I admire him.
Men are visual animals. Probably because I'm tall and good-looking. He was united and strong, resolute, and looked at me with a little more tenderness.
Then my job evolved into doing business, doing sales, and getting in touch with him more and more. We never met, but we were attracted to each other, getting closer and closer, talking about everything, which happens in all extramarital affairs. That feeling of seeing each other and hating each other makes us like an unmarried man and woman in love, chatting, eating, holding hands, kissing... Finally evolved to go to bed, and everything happened so naturally.
Good start, who wants to think about the end? When a woman is deeply immersed in it, she can't see anything else. At that time, my husband and I were also in a period of marriage fatigue. The child is still young. At that time he was still young, playful and often did not return home. My emotional scales slowly tilted towards extramarital affairs, and I didn't think about repairing the relationship in my marriage at all.
From our first crossover, we've said goodnight every morning and evening, as well as weekly appointments.
2
Like the development curve of all extramarital affairs, in the first years of the peak of our relationship we were like two greedy vampires, endlessly in hotels, under the noses of others, trying to keep our distance, he 175, I 165, we walk the streets of other cities, no matter who sees, we are a match made in heaven, our values are so similar, our genders are so harmonious, we leave the other half behind, put ethics and morality on her and put them on the shelf, and turn a deaf ear to the end of the affair, Eventually fell into the abyss of pain.
We are addicted to it and cannot break free. Because that feeling is so much like falling in love, it makes people instantly ten years younger.
In my eyes, he was smart, gentle, decent, and capable. My love for him grew day by day, and my heart could no longer accommodate others. I began to physically and psychologically reject married life with my husband. It simply can't be done. His wife suggested he go to the doctor, but he didn't. He knew why.
As our relationship heated up, my mindset changed. I wanted to love someone well and didn't want to feel enslaved and betrayed by marriage anymore, so I decided to divorce. After he found out, he didn't say anything, I don't know what he thought at the time, he didn't express anything except divorce and marry me, but I was at the peak of love at that time, I didn't care if he divorced or not, as long as I was with him.
I left my children and family behind and ran to what I thought was love. He couldn't give me marriage, so he tried to marry financially. After the divorce, I had no place to live, so he paid for a house for me. Small apartment, just like that, lives the life of a lover.
3
Maybe it's the fear of finding someone else to reorganize the family. After all, I am single and have the right to choose. Two years after the divorce, he wrote a letter of guarantee saying we loved each other. As long as my original intentions remain the same, he will divorce and marry me. It's just that the time is not ripe, we need to use time to test each other's honesty, and when the time comes, we will get married and spend the rest of our lives together.
It was this pledge that convinced me that he loved me even more.
But how can a woman who is wholeheartedly committed and falls in love with a man with a family strike a balance? Too hard.
In the evening he had to return to his home. He will travel everywhere with his wife and children. During the holidays, the sound of fireworks and joy outside is the most uncomfortable time for me. The thought of her happy family makes me unbearable. Take a breath, I am an outsider after all, without light, without dignity.
No matter how many worlds he participated in, I couldn't participate openly. Countless nights I burst into tears, tossed and turned, unable to sleep.
So, I had a problem, I had a problem, I broke up, separated, couldn't see each other, and then he kept looking for me, coaxing me, I was reluctant, and I got back together, like always, on and off countless times, I still couldn't leave my thoughts to him.
Three years after the divorce, his wife discovered our relationship and insisted on divorce. There was no way, he had to agree not to go out. The house, children, car, savings were given to the wife.
Maybe you think that if he is divorced and free, he can marry me with exaggeration?
However, this is not the end of the story.
4
Although divorced, it was not what he wanted. His daughter is in a critical period of learning. His family persuaded him to divorce, but refused to leave home to give his children a good environment.
Perhaps such a belief was exactly what he wanted. For men, deep-rooted family values, long-term life inertia, and worldly pressures did not make him leave a stable family life.
Because I didn't know everything about his divorce at the time, he didn't take the initiative to mention it to me. Before you know it, many years have passed.
I understand that although his marriage is a formal divorce, it is not psychologically divorced. His wife was not wrong, and he didn't want to wear it.
The situation of both fish and bear's paw has lasted for more than ten years. Now that I think about it, this situation is actually caused by our two poor wives.
On the one hand, the woman was not independent and was dismissed before the age of 40. She takes care of the family at home and plays mahjong in her spare time. Spiritually and financially, she was deeply dependent on him, and she insisted on divorce. For a moment, even after the divorce, everything belonged to her, but she did not have the courage to live alone, without him. Although she has always known of my existence, she still pretended not to know for so many years and swallowed her anger. Maybe it's also because she loves him too much, after all, she was the one who chased him two years ago.
On the other hand, I didn't force him either. If he really didn't want to have sex with me, I didn't bother to ask for it. At the same time, I felt guilty in my heart. My family was broken. I don't want other women to ruin their families because of me. He is very manly and has a strong personality. When I eat with my male classmates, he has to be outside to watch over my people. Actually, I don't have much confidence that if I actually live with him, I will be happy.
On the one hand, I want him to willingly divorce and marry me to prove that he really loves me, and on the other hand, I don't want to be a villain and destroy other people's families, but where in the world is there such a thing? We have both.
On the one hand, he unfastened his belt and his wish had to be fulfilled; On the other hand, he has not yet emancipated his mind, cannot break free from family responsibilities and worldly bondage, cannot give up the country, interests, blood, responsibility, desires and face he has established ... He wanted to hold it in his hand. Hand.
The wife endured the humiliation and burden, guarded the home, guarded the man, but could not control the man's physical and mental betrayal.
The three of them were intertwined with contradictions in this way, and they went forward for five, ten, twenty years.
5
I must admit that he never undertreated me financially. He tried his best to feed me, wear, shelter, and walk. To make my life safer, he later bought me a serviced apartment and collected rent every year. Living needs subsidies.
I divorced him for him, he couldn't let go of everything to marry me, he was ashamed in his heart, perhaps, financial satisfaction was a kind of compensation for me and for him, a kind of redemption.
He said that where a man's money is, his heart is. He said I was the only person in his life who could satisfy him, both sexually and spiritually.
We had a happy time, we went to Beijing, Shenyang, Changchun, Jilin together...
Perhaps it is these external compensation and inner satisfaction that have sustained me in the shadows for many years.
At first I didn't care about him because I loved him deeply, but year after year, I owed him a lot, and finally realized my dissatisfaction and felt wrong, worthless and sad. At this time, I realized that I had never been a strong woman, and what I longed for was still a woman who would not let go of my arms for a long time.
His arms were strong, but he didn't want to stay for me. He never spends the night at my house, and I don't let him spend the night at my house. I was afraid of the cold air after he left, and I hated the feeling of desert in my heart.
Behind the meeting again and again, there are also sorrows and tears of death. From the age of 28 to 48, the best years of my youth were spent in loving men. I gave my whole body and soul to him. In my career, I tried my best to help him and share his worries. He continued to brainwash me. Let me stay away from my friend, I stupidly listen to his words, my circle of life, repeatedly shrinking, not many friends, hobbies are gone.
It was such an addiction that slowly made me lose my balance. He knew what I wanted, but pretended not to see it. In his plan, his home was always the only one.
I saw no future but my own heartbreak, destruction and struggle, but I felt no sign that the vow I once said, "I will marry you," could come true. The more I waited, the more balanced I became, and the more I was able to use the energy of my life to combat the internal friction of this relationship.
I send messages, and he often doesn't reply until the next day. Even though his wife knew about our relationship, he took care of her feelings. He was nice to his wife when he came home. All his wealth was in his wife. He was afraid she wouldn't want him anymore. I was 10 years younger than him, and he wasn't sure about me. He can't afford to lose. As he grew older, he became more and more powerful, and he valued his wife many times more than I did.
There are many important scenes in life, which he always completes in family relationships. The limitations of these realities were presented to me again and again, and my heart remained still. Why can't I accompany him to do his work with integrity, and why can't he be by my side?
It's such inequality, it just keeps me in a corner where I don't have much right to speak for so long, I have no dignity, I become insecure, desolate, desperate, exhausted, lonely, I start to lose sleep, when I'm alone, I cry at every turn, and many times I fall in the crowd and cry loudly. At that time, I was sad and felt that everyone deserved my envy. I even think that the people who pick up garbage on the street are happier than me.
My constant self-doubt and denial, as well as guilt for my wife and children, for myself, and for the people who had been hurt in my chaotic life, turned into nightmares that woke me up at night, and when I woke up, I told myself that he didn't love me, that he wasn't worth it, that I couldn't do it. But why do I still cry when I think of him? I couldn't control my day at all.
Eventually I developed depression. I sank into the depths of the sea like a drowning man. I couldn't make a phone call, I didn't have many friends to talk to, and I didn't have many floats to get me out of the water.
The more I sink, the more I suffocate, I have too much pain, I want to live, I don't need to be so happy, at least I don't need to be hurt anymore, I need to save myself.
Go to the hospital to see a doctor, take medicine, and consult a psychologist. I want to leave him. For 20 years, I wanted to leave countless times. In the end, they were not completely separated, because they worked in the same unit and often met.
6
Now I applied for early retirement and left the unit. I decided to leave him completely and break off the relationship. I want to start a new life. I don't want to live in the dark like a ghost. I want to save myself. On May 5, 2020, I officially broke up. He left no retreat and informed his wife to take care of his man and not return to me.
He rebuked me for being too decisive. He said, I can't give up in this life, but I have to let go. I didn't want to explore his intentions because I was in so much pain that I wanted to go out and live without waste.
It's only been twenty years, how easy is it to let go?
I'm used to it, I'm used to having a place for my tenderness to accept and place, I'm used to him being a part of my life, I'm used to imagining and expecting our future, and although it's fantasy, at least I have an idea. But when it all was taken away, it was as if my heart stopped instantly. It was a different kind of heart-wrenching pain.
After the breakup, I wanted to find him countless times and tell him that I missed him. But the thought of him returning home so gentle to his wife and flattering him in every way I did it made me constantly check my legs, feeling like a pedestrian every day, where emotions ebb and flow. And day after day, day after day, for so long.
One day, two days, it's been fifty days now, and I still can't let go.
I met two netizens who were also deeply involved in online extramarital affairs, a man and a woman. We support and encourage each other, and we all want to get out of this relationship and live again.
I dress my daughter every day, go to my grandmother's house to cook for her, and try my best to feel the warmth of the family. My daughter is fine, I will go to Shanghai to do insurance research. When the epidemic is over and school starts, I will go to Shanghai with her, leave this sad country, find a job, and start over.
My ex-husband is a good man. When I got divorced, he hugged me and cried, saying that no one in my life was so nice to me. Now when I'm sick, he buys the medicine I take. He had a girlfriend for so many years, but never married. Knowing that I was in a bad mood, he would take me and my daughter out on a trip to relax, and when he came back from out of town, he would let me go and make dumplings with them...
I don't know what he thinks, maybe we're more of a family now. Whether I can remarry is still inconclusive, after all, I betrayed him in the first place, and more importantly, my heart went too far.
Outside of marriage, he hasn't looked for me since we broke up, so he's really back. For a man who is almost 60 years old, there is nothing more comfortable than a wife and children lying in bed.
He said he also regretted spending the money he earned on me, except for his wife. If you get married again in the future, it will be earned by your husband, and he himself will end up thankless. My wife hates me, so why bother?
After all, men value profit, right?
Twenty years, how many twenty years can there be in life, do you hate him? I don't hate him, I really love him, it's impossible to forget him in this life, I can only give up and let go.
It's just that it's long enough and sure enough.
Does he love me? There is an element of love, after all, these twenty years of uninterrupted material and emotional contributions. If you don't like it, stay with me, we've been together for a long time. So he loves himself more.
I don't know what the future holds, I don't even have the ability to love, I just want to share my story and tell it to those who are on the verge of extramarital affairs:
Although the relationship lasted 20 years, it still has nothing to do with "true love"! Because there is no "responsibility", just take what you need! If he really loves me, why not give up everything to marry me? If I really love him, why should I leave suddenly now? Why not go further with me? Because I want to save myself! I knew that if I continued like this, my family could be ruined! So I advise all sisters who have had extramarital affairs like me: don't think that your relationship is true love, there is no true love! In a pig's eye!! Dare to divorce, leave home, get married, that is true love! In the later stage of the extramarital affair, it is nothing more than one lie after another!