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In daily life, we always unconsciously fall into the dilemma of evaluating others.
We cannot deny that the evaluation of others has a certain importance for us, because we are social animals,
Living in intertwined relationships inevitably involves paying attention to the evaluation of others and trying to change yourself from them.
But everyone has unique tastes and values, and one of the purposes of our existence is to explore and develop our own character and achieve true happiness and fulfillment in our hearts.
However, when we pay too much attention to the eyes of others, we will question our own existence and value.
We take other people's opinions as our creed, and begin to run between the joy and ridicule of others.
With self-denial, anxiety and disorientation followed.
Although many people know that other people's evaluations do not mean anything, sometimes people around them will make wrong suggestions,
However, there are still many people who find it difficult to get rid of the gaze of others and always live in the mouths of others.
Why is this happening? Psychologists have shown that the main reason why you lack self-confidence is that you did not form an independent personality during childhood.
Let's take a small example, there is a woman whose career is in full swing and her economic level is excellent.
She is in the prime of her career development, she is willing to help people, and she is a winner in life in anyone's opinion.
However, this lady is always unhappy, she is very anxious and painful every day, and she is constantly accommodating to the people around her,
Trying to fulfill all the requests of those around you so much that you ignore your own feelings.
Once colleagues and friends ask her for advice or requests, she doesn't know how to refuse, and over time, people around her can't help but take her efforts for granted.
In fact, she knew very well that it was wrong for her to do so, but every time he wanted to refuse others,
When you leave yourself a little free time, you are especially worried that the other party will become unhappy because of your rejection,
Over time, his inner pressure increased, and even anxiety.
After an in-depth exchange, the psychologist found that it all stemmed from experiences as a child.
This lady has a very strict mother, and when she grows up, she is always required to be the best of her mother, but whenever she fails, her mother will belittle her and even compare her with other people's children.
The girl did not dare to ask because the mother would respond with punishment every time, until the mother died when the girl was 8 years old,
But for many years thereafter, this negative impact persisted and never disappeared.
The mother's authoritarian way of educating girls makes girls afraid to accept criticism from others,
She always feels that she is not doing anything right, and any choice will go wrong,
So much so that in the process of interacting with people, you will only please and cater to others, and will not insist on your own ideas.
Childhood is a critical period for personality formation, but the girl failed to form a sense of independence during the critical period, so she gradually grew up with low self-esteem.
Such people abound in life, they cling to the same idea, and if they do not obey others, they will be punished,
This erroneous view has been imprinted deep in their souls and has become an integral part of their personality,
Even after many years, they will still be deeply troubled.
Now that we understand the reasons for this situation, is there any way to get people out of negative psychology?
What about gradually forming an independent and strong personality? The psychologist gave 2 suggestions.
Strengthen self-confidence
Skinner of the behaviorist school points out that reinforcement and punishment are means of influence on individual behavior, and reinforcement is a way of providing rewards or increasing positive stimuli.
to increase the frequency of specific behaviors, when a behavior is reinforced,
Individuals will be more likely to repeat the behavior because they want to be rewarded or positive.
Punishment, on the other hand, is a way of reducing positive stimuli by imposing punishment to reduce the frequency of specific behaviors.
If you want to regain self-confidence, you need to strengthen your confident words and actions.
Why are some children so daring to express their thoughts? That's because whenever he is brave enough to express himself,
People around him will have a positive attitude towards him, such as parents encouraging him to speak boldly, teachers encouraging him to speak positively, and so on.
Change your attribution
There are two kinds of attribution methods, namely internal control and external control, and people who are accustomed to internal control always treat things badly.
As a result, they blame themselves for not doing a good job, so such people always live very tired,
However, external controllers will blame the external environment, such as bad weather and unequal timing.
Because of this, we should maintain an objective and rational mentality, and combine internal and external attribution when encountering things.
Don't blame yourself blindly, and don't completely shift responsibility to objective conditions.
All in all, the way to build self-confidence is simple, the key is whether you can give yourself a positive feedback.
Only by regaining self-confidence step by step can you have an independent and sound personality.
- The End -
Author | Tommy
Edit | Houhai
参考资料：Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (2018). Beautiful mess effect: Self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Journal of personality and social psychology, 115(2), 192-205