Friends are friendly, I am Miao Baoping, a psychological counselor, and the name of the network is like dust.
Today we continue to read Dr. Yue Xiaodong's book "The Feeling of Ascending to Heaven: I Did Psychological Counseling at Harvard University": "Chapter 2 I have a deep guilt for my sister".
body:
After Monica told me the underlying reason for wanting to transfer from Harvard, she felt much calmer. In future meetings, she will not miss the appointment.
Monica told me that the reason she didn't want to see me again the other day was because I had a study plan for her that would cause her a headache at first glance. It made her even more upset and didn't want to answer my calls...
Monica's words made me blush. Indeed, over the past month or so, I have invisibly added new psychological pressure to Monica, making her breathless. And I thought I was doing her a big favor. If I have not heard enough and spoken first, I am bound to treat others as myself. This reminds me of a past event from many years ago.
One day, I was eating at a small restaurant in Beijing. Shortly after I ordered the dish, two young men came in, sat down at a table next to me, and ordered two bottles of beer and a plate of cold spelling. One of them said, "That bitch, he dared to ignore me and go to someone else." Hmmm, don't look at who we are..."
Before he could finish speaking, the young man next to him interjected: "Dude, you are also a man, so you can't lift it or put it down." She's fucked up, what's so great, that she dared to dump you. A handsome guy like you, I'm afraid I can't find a better one than her, it's really hell..."
They spoke over there, and I heard them all over there.
I noticed that the comforting boy had been talking incessantly, while the lovelorn had not been silent, just drinking heavily. I didn't understand why.
Later, I went to the United States to study counseling psychology and understood the truth. The comforting young man should not have spoken much at all, but should have been more obedient. Talking was exactly what the lovelorn boy wanted to do most at that time.
Because venting bad emotions is the top priority of any form of counseling.
Listening is an expression of goodwill, a symbol of humility, and a basis for establishing empathy. Listening, ask you to sincerely rent out your ear oil, listen attentively to the other person's speech, do not interrupt it at will, and do not comment on the other person's speech. Therefore, people who are not good at listening are not good at psychological counseling.
My mentor also used to teach us, "Listen carefully to what others say, and the greatest reward for those who do this is that they say you are a good listener." Thus, when someone comes to you to talk about some kind of mental pain, the first thing you think of is not to try to prevent him from continuing, but to let him continue to speak and finish the speech.
This is a necessary step in emotional catharsis.
As a result, I no longer took the initiative to talk to Monica about her whereabouts at Harvard University, but focused on her special feelings for her family, especially her sister, and her life at Harvard University.
Curiously, the more I avoided Monica's question of staying at Harvard, the more proactively she raised the issue. The two of us seemed to be playing hide-and-seek. First she hid me and caught me, and then I hid her. Now, she's asked me several times why I don't care about her studies at Harvard. I replied that I wanted to learn more about her past in order to get rid of the subjective ideas in my mind.
Once she came to see me and told me that she had a course where her test scores had improved a lot, and I immediately congratulated her and asked her why she had such good grades. She told me that her mood hadn't felt as heavy lately as it used to.
"What do you mean when you say you've been feeling a lot more relaxed lately?" I asked.
"I felt like no one was forcing me to do anything anymore, so my heart wasn't so heavy." Monica replied.
"Please be more specific, okay?" I said again.
Monica brushed her hair on her forehead and said, "Well, my dad used to force me to study hard, but he never cared how I felt." And when I came here, what you said at first was almost exactly the same as my father's words, so I was very unhappy and didn't want to see you again. ”
"I understand that. I'm also sorry to have disappointed you in the first place. So what made you change your attitude?" I asked again.
"It's Carolyn," she said with a look of relief, "because I have never told her all about my inner pain before, so that she can understand." But since coming here to talk to you about many of my inner feelings, I realized that the person I should most exchange my thoughts about is actually Caroline. So, I talked to her on the phone last weekend and talked for most of the night. I told her all about my thoughts and feelings of guilt. Both of us cried. ”
At this point, Monica couldn't help but cry again and pulled out a tissue. After a pause, she continued: "Caroline said that after that traffic accident, for a long time, she had been complaining about me. Especially when she saw the boy riding a motorcycle carrying the other girls for a ride, she was even more stimulated. But now, her mood is much calmer, because I understand her. Caroline also said that she had always hoped for such an opportunity to talk to me about her inner grievances. When talking to Mom and Dad about it, they always told Caroline to forget everything about the past as soon as possible. How is this possible? Everything in the past cannot be forgotten, and only by talking clearly can we obtain inner peace. So, she was glad I called her that, because only the hearts of the two of us can communicate with each other..."
"The past cannot be forgotten, and only when we talk about it clearly can we gain inner peace." Your sister spoke so well!" I said with deep feeling.
"Yes! I think so too. In fact, why don't I cherish the opportunity to study at Harvard? It's our whole family's dream. But I couldn't stand the pain of not seeing Caroline every day, and I couldn't bear that I was depriving her of the happiness of a lifetime. If I had gone to an appointment that day, it would have been Caroline who was sitting here talking to you today. At this point, her eyes were moist again.
I sighed along with that.
At this time, Monica looked up at the Chinese painting opposite and said, "Do you know, every time I see the two little birds in this painting, I can't help but think of Caroline." I'm like one of those birds, feeling lonely wherever I fly because I'm an inseparable whole with Caroline. I also told Caroline about this feeling. ”
"What did Caroline say?" I asked.
"She said she didn't expect me to still feel so much guilt and was ready to sacrifice for her and leave Harvard." She said she was grateful to me for having this thought, but she didn't need me to pity her, and she didn't want me to sacrifice for her and leave Harvard. She promised me that if I read Harvard, she would read that community college. My sister also said that no matter where I flew, her heart would be with me. ”
At this point, Monica cried bitterly and could not be calmed down for a long time.
But I knew in my heart that her crying at this time was a healthy cry, a normal emotional catharsis. She was crying not only for Caroline, but also herself.
Yes, if there was no traffic accident, how happy their family would be!
Monica needed to cry like this a long time ago.
Monica, you cry out all your grievances and pain. Unfortunately, no one has been able to give you such a chance to cry before this!
In the midst of this cry, I vaguely felt that Monica had decided to stay. The difference was that this time, it was her own decision, not her obedience to anyone else's will. Monica needs to be the master of her own destiny!
Sure enough, Monica finally said that she wanted to stay sincerely. Because she and her sister have emotional communication and have a tacit understanding of the heart.
My sister wants her to stay too!
unscramble:
Reading this in Monica's case, we understand Monica's heart, has been tormented by her sister Caroline's unfortunate disability, has been condemned by conscience, she thinks that she caused her sister's disability, this reason can not be wrong, but if it is not this car accident, will there be other accidents? There is an old Chinese saying, called "the sky has unpredictable storms" and "people have bad luck", people sometimes do not know when there will be luck or bad luck, but how to solve the tragedy after the thing is indeed a tricky thing. But tragedy goes deep into the subconscious, and it can deeply affect the consciousness and affect your emotions and behavior. People are lost in the matter, outsiders can not subjectively conclude, "to untie the bell must also tie the bell person", the ordeal in the process may make people stronger and more cherished.
Everyone has things that can not be forgotten, how to comfort the people in the bureau, how to carry out emotional catharsis, this article puts forward good suggestions and practices, worthy of our emulation - redemption depends on themselves, outsiders should be persuaded to be moderate! "The past cannot be forgotten, and only when we talk about it clearly can we gain inner peace."
Here, to popularize some psychological knowledge - social emotions. Social emotion is a subjective experience of the individual in interpersonal communication, and is a reflection of whether the social needs of the individual are satisfied.
Jealousy refers to a complex emotional state consisting of shame, anger, resentment, etc. that occurs when compared with others and finds that you are inferior to others in terms of talent, reputation, status, or circumstances. It is targeted, continuous, confrontational and universal.
Shame refers to a painful emotional experience that an individual has because of his or her own shortcomings in personality, ability, appearance, etc., or because of inconsistencies with social norms in thought and behavior.
Guilt refers to an individual's emotional experience of intense uneasiness, shame, and guilt when an individual believes that he or she is responsible for an actual or imagined offender or fault.
The heaviest of these three emotions is guilt, which often has a conscience and moral self-condemnation and tries to make an effort to make up for their mistakes. Healthy guilt is the "alarm" of the mind, is the core of human "conscience" emotions, will remind people to take care of the interests and feelings of others, adjust interpersonal relationships, is conducive to individual adaptation to social life; too little or too much guilt is unhealthy, especially too much guilt is the "poison" of the mind, will make people live in pressure, tension and pain for a long time, which is not conducive to physical and mental health. Just like Monica, it is necessary to come out of guilt to return to a normal life and promote mental health.
October 23, 2021 #Counselor said #