The video is taken by a post-90s mother with a baby. At two o'clock in the middle of the night, the two-year-old daughter was extremely energetic, not only did not want to sleep, but also wanted to drag her mother out to play. So, the mother agreed with her daughter in the video: since you want to go out to play, you must play until dawn, and you are not allowed to go home until dawn.
Sure enough, my daughter felt tired after playing for an hour or two and wanted to go home to sleep. But her mother demanded that the promise must be kept, and the two walked outside until dawn. The whole communication of the mother did not get angry, did not raise the ears, and seemed to be a modern parent education process that "let you personally bear the consequences". The video was linked to Weibo with the following entry: "Mom uses magic to defeat magic".
Source: Sina Weibo
There are also many netizens in the comment area who praised my mother's education method: "Mom's mood is really stable, if it is me, I will run away." "I really think this mother is very good, if I have this spirit I will do the same." "I can only say that parents are not superhuman, and this mother has done her best in anger." Similar so-called "post-90s reverse parenting" has emerged in recent years, and parents advocate not being accustomed to children. Since children are willful, let them know the fate of willfulness. Since the child is backboned, then parents will go back to see who can beat whom. However, in the video, her mother repeatedly looped the "you can go home and sleep at dawn", her sister couldn't help but feel creepy - is this a model of reverse parenting worthy of being advertised as a post-90s generation, or a contemporary horror parent? Put a big question mark.
Don't want to sleep in the middle of the night? Then let's go until dawn
First, let's take a look at this parenting video in its entirety. The video began recording at 2:30 a.m., and presumably her daughter, who didn't want to sleep, had tortured her mother enough. After confirming her desire to go out and play with her daughter, she asked, "Is it okay to play until dawn?" Can you do it? After getting her daughter's approval, the mother took her daughter out. On the way, the mother kept confirming to her daughter: "You don't want to sleep, do you?" So let's not sleep today, okay? You promised me you were going to do it. ”
So far, the parent's perception is acceptable, and he seems to be a parent who knows how to negotiate with his child and fight for opinions. Although there is some inducement in the questioning, it is not difficult to accept. Afterwards, the daughter jumped and played on the uninhabited street, consuming energy with nowhere to go, and it could be seen that the mood was high. But the mother was obviously not infected by her daughter's happiness, and she always asked repeatedly with stitches: "Do you think it's fun here?" "Are you going to sleep now?" "Not sleeping? Okay, let's go then. At this moment, although the mother's tone is still very peaceful, but the emotions have radiated through the language, she does not enjoy the matter of taking the baby out in the middle of the night, but she is still enduring, waiting for the arrival of a node.
At 3:50 a.m., her daughter expressed her desire to sleep for the first time. Mom immediately refused: "No, because we have already agreed when we go out, we can't go home before dawn and can't sleep." ”
Later, every time her daughter expressed her desire to sleep, her mother moved out of the agreement between the two. - Do not sleep until dawn. -You can hold on if you are sleepy. This seems to be a point worthy of praise in the eyes of many netizens. Mom was emotionally stable and did not run away; The mother sets the child's awareness of rules and knows the truth that it is difficult to chase a horse in a word; Mom communicated peacefully throughout the whole process, without belittlement and reprimand. But, is that really the case?
Regardless of whether the daughter in the video is old enough for her to understand what commitment means, her understanding of her own needs is still very immediate. If you don't want to sleep and want to go out to play, the child will directly say that he wants to go out to play, but parents will misinterpret the child's meaning. "Don't sleep in the middle of the night and say you're going out?" In the understanding of parents, it is equivalent to the child wanting to toss himself and not wanting to let himself sleep. That parent should also return a tooth for a tooth and not let the child sleep when the child is sleepy. The so-called emotional stability and peaceful communication has actually been waiting for the arrival of this node, and parents can literally tell their children: Now that you know that you are sleepy, why did you come early? The mother's repeated questioning in the video is wrapped in a core point that you will regret if you don't listen to me. Shortly after leaving the house, my mother directly conveyed this view: "You remember how happy you are now, and when you cry later, you think about when you are happy now." ”
"You wait, if you don't listen to me, sooner or later you will suffer." Isn't this exactly what we have heard from many fathers? Change the soup without changing the medicine. Later, because of the cold weather outside, her daughter began to tell her mother that her hands were cold, hoping that her mother would help her warm up. At this time, an even more terrifying conversation came. Just hearing that her daughter's hands are cold, the mother has to clarify the reason for her daughter's cold hands from the beginning - why are her hands cold? Will my hands be cold at home? But why don't you want to stay at home? The implication is that everything is because you don't want to sleep in the middle of the night and want to go out.
Mom's accusations did not carry much emotion, but they were like a tsunami. She tries to make her daughter understand by repeating the logic that it's all your problem. The daughter was too young to return the favor, so she could only listen. Later, her daughter began to lose control of her emotions and clearly expressed her resistance to the camera, "I don't want to take pictures." But her mother kept using her mobile phone to take pictures of her, and continued to ask unrelentingly, "Do you feel so comfortable?" Do you want to go home? The daughter's tears gradually filled her eyes, but her mother did not want to comfort her, but there was more pride in her tone.
Finally, when the child said "I don't tell my mother", the competition was won by the mother's unilateral crushing. There was no physical violence, no very obvious disparagement and accusations, but it was more horrifying than the former. The so-called "emotional stability" of the mother in the video is nothing more than wrapping the unfinished anger in a gentle manner. But the anger does not go away, it just continues to inflict violence on the child in another form. The essence of this seemingly equal negotiation dialogue is still the victory and bullying of parents over their children. And when online recognition of this parenting style is undoubted, it is inevitably worrying. This seemingly progressive approach to education is nothing more than a continuation and variant of violence.
Parents who do not grow up, intergenerational transmission
We often see criticism of the original family of the previous generation on the Internet. The arguments of "both parents are scourge" and "escape from the original family" have all been popular. Children who grow up in toxic native families come to understand that love can also be a kind of harm. Many of the educational methods that were common in the past have been criticized as backward and detrimental to children's physical and mental health. For example, parents who are keen to create a sense of self-sacrifice. In the era of material scarcity, the story of "children eat fish and I eat fish heads" is repeatedly told, and many parents like to emphasize at the dinner table that all the good things in the family are left to their children.
The starting point may be love, but once it is filled with the sense of self-sacrifice of parents, it becomes an equivalent replacement of "I love you so much, you must try to get ahead to repay me". Moral kidnapping in the name of love will only make children immobile. Because the premise of obtaining this love is to be a well-behaved and sensible child, to be proud of becoming parents, and to be able to repay the nurturing grace of parents. Children who grow up in such an environment, the friendliness to the outside world can easily produce a natural sense of "I don't deserve", because all the love obtained since childhood is marked with a price tag waiting to be exchanged.
Another typical view of education, oppressive education. These words should be familiar to many people - "enjoy happiness when you are a child, grow up and suffer hardships, and enjoy happiness when you are a child"; "In order to cope with the dangers of society, you have to suffer setbacks at home"; "Only when you have suffered enough at home will you not be bullied when you go out." They are determined to train their children to be "other people's children", outperforming at the starting line from an early age, shuttling through major cram schools when they were young, and listening to endless nagging with endless rolls. But no matter how good the child is, it cannot be exchanged for a praise from his parents, because "people will be proud when they are praised, and pride makes people backward."
Behind such repressive education, it is often the hope of hoping for a son to become a dragon and a daughter to become a phoenix. Some have indeed succeeded, children from small town as questioners, to grow up to take the public examination editor, every second counts to learn in exchange for a seemingly stable future. But the establishment of the self still requires a long groping, repressed rebellion, those unrealized self-worth, one day will be compensated to themselves in another form.
Whether it is self-sacrificing education or repressive education, we have grown up in these wrong education methods, and we have already made a conclusion, which is not possible. This seems to be some kind of progress, but when the reverse parenting method in the video becomes a new trend, is the parenting of our generation really progressing? In the analysis of psychological counselor @Yan Yijia, such "parents who pursue gentleness and firmness to the point of losing the ability to check reality" are just constantly abusing their children with a gentle attitude. If the previous generation's unscientific view of education was a "real bastard", then this parent chose to become a "correct pervert".
The parenting industry has always been popular with all kinds of parenting communication methods, for parents who have a good personality background, learning some communication skills may be the icing on the cake; But for caregivers who have many obstacles at the level of their own personality, learning those "dialogue skills" will only make things worse, and it is better not to learn them. For children, the "truth" of parents is more important than "correct", and parents do things to a child that they will not do to friends or colleagues of the same age in life, which is out of the truth. When parents are powerless, if you must choose one of the two when you collapse, between "real bastards" and "correct perverts", the former is still less lethal for children, because then children can "rest assured" to hate their parents and stay away from their parents, without constantly self-doubting at the cost of losing the ability to check reality, to cater to the rapidly changing inner standards and states of their parents. When people reach middle age, look at the peers around me who are still deeply trapped by their original families, most of them have "correct perverted" parents: they look pleasant on the surface, but in fact, there are a bunch of problems with controllable pathological narcissism.
In the face of irrational children, parents do not have the communication and problem-solving skills that adults should have, but immediately return to a state that is no different from children. The only purpose she achieves with competition, punishment, and sadism is to defeat the child. In the final analysis, it is the parents' lack of self-development, and it is the parents who never grow up. Even their own emotions cannot be handled correctly, how to deal with children's emotions, even the self has not been fully established, and how to know the child's independent self. This is not her problem alone, but a problem shared by many people raised by immature parents. Because I have never felt the right thing to do in a parent-child relationship, I don't suddenly learn it the day I become a parent. The seemingly modern way of education is just a more secret shell, following the mind control and emotional bullying of the previous generation. We still haven't learned to treat children as truly independent individuals, to respect and listen. Those "controllative and pathological narcissistic symbiotic problems" are like blood ties, along with parents who have not grown up from generation to generation.
The paradox of the "sensible child"
The most commonly heard adjective in East Asian families is that children are very sensible. "Sensible" is like a huge paradox, because children are bound to be pruned a lot of emotions and eliminated a lot of rebellious psychology to become "sensible children". Without the failure of several times of communication with parents and helplessness after asking for help, children would not have to be so sensible. Just like the daughter in the video, she looks extremely well-behaved, kicked her mother because she was angry, and immediately apologized to her mother.
But she was as well-behaved as she was, and finally cut off communication with a crying "I don't tell my mother". It can be expected that after this battle, the child will no longer go out in the middle of the night to play. She will quickly grow into a "sensible child", but is it really worth rejoicing? But all film and television variety shows involving the theme of education are a collection of parents' mistakes. There are iron-fisted parents who frankly say in parenting variety shows that "the educational concept is that there is no happy childhood", and use the number of rolls completed by their children as a tool to show off.
There are parents who can't see their child's talent for writing novels, and tear up all her novels just because their child's math scores have declined.
Even if the child has stood in front of everyone and bravely expressed himself, parents still turn a deaf ear to the child's appeal, like an iron wall.
What's more, the door and lock pickers must also work together to send the child to the Internet addiction rehabilitation center of Yuzhang Academy and Yang Yongxin, and parents do not understand education, so they push their children into the fire pit.
Source: Sina Weibo
Terrifying parents are intoxicated with their own educational greatness, but they don't know that their children don't feel grateful at all, they just want to grow up quickly and run to places without parents quickly. Many children who grow up so much have spent their entire lives struggling with emotional problems and reconciling with the pain left by their original families. Different from the spiritual father-killer in the West, the fate of East Asian children is more like Nezha, and if they want true freedom, they can only return their father.
When will we stop hurting in the name of love? When will you learn to really think from a child's point of view? Good education may not be so difficult, those parents who have given their children the greatest trust and love, many of them do not have complete theoretical knowledge support, they just follow the simplest and most intuitive love. For example, Li Xueqin talked about her parents on the show, saying that when she was in school, her teacher suspected her early love, so she encouraged her mother to peek at her mobile phone. But the mother regretted it the moment she clicked on the phone, not only did not look at it, but also solemnly apologized to Li Xueqin after she returned, even if it is a parent, it should not peep into the child's privacy. "I've been treated with all the respect I deserve."
And Da Zhang Wei recalled his parents and was also proud of their enlightened and unconditional support. Although his family is average, his parents always save money to buy him the most expensive audio equipment, and although his mother does not understand his aesthetics, she still helps him cut his good pants into torn pants. "The most touching thing about my mother is that she doesn't understand it, she even thinks this thing is wrong, she thinks I can't understand you, but I support you." "She doesn't want her son to be who she wants to be, she wants her son to be himself."
Yi Nengjing was asked about her son's wearing women's clothes during the interview, and she immediately gave all her trust and understanding. "I love every aspect of him."
We often say that parents should be certified to work, but good parents may not learn how profound the big truth. But what is so difficult about treating the child as an independent individual, listening, respecting, and supporting? The parent-child relationship is like a mirror that reflects the inner part of the parent, reflecting all the unfulfilled desires and dark ambitions of parents. But children are not the continuation of your life, nor the carrier of your desires, they have independent personalities, thoughts, and value systems. Perhaps, only when parents learn how to love, the tragic cycle of East Asian children returning to their fathers can be stopped. Perhaps, when parents learn to face themselves honestly one day and have a complete self, they will truly understand that respect and love should be the simplest thing in the world.