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Wen | Mo Zizhai
Editor|Mozizhai
Did you do everything you promised your children?
Most people shouted: "Promise the child must be done, otherwise it will affect the child's life." ”
Others said: "High-level parents never make good on their promises easily. ”
In the face of such a situation, why are there two extremely contrasting answers, so which one is reasonable?
Amazing answers from the kids
I was horrified to see comments from children in the comment section under a video!
In the video, a father promised to reward 1,000 yuan for good grades, but finally regretted it temporarily because his son wanted to buy a game console.
The children even commented that they wanted to pick up the oxygen tube.
How do we feel as parents when we see these comments?
Sad, disappointed, unbelievable, or extremely disappointed.
Learn to "herd pigeons"
First of all, let's talk about a real experience, once a junior high school classmate, his father promised: "If you can copy the Xinhua dictionary completely, including all the annotations and parses, then I will reward you with 1,000 yuan, and this 1,000 yuan can be at your disposal." ”
My classmate was very excited to hear his father's promise, and happily ran to inform a group of our friends, and made up his mind in front of us to finish copying the Xinhua dictionary.
I remember that the Xinhua dictionary at that time should have been 11 editions, with a total of more than 500 pages of densely packed small characters, and most of the characters and strokes in it were quite cumbersome.
If it weren't for this incident, most people would never have copied it completely in their lifetime.
And my classmates, every day after writing homework, will take out A4 paper to copy word by word, I don't know how long this lasts.
Although I never asked him how many pages he had transcribed, I would be sincerely happy for him to see his dictionary being turned page by page.
In the past, he was very naughty, and we were in the same after-school tutoring class, and the teachers in the tutoring class always didn't like him very much.
It is because he does not complete his homework carefully, and after barely writing his homework, he will run around and play, which is difficult to discipline.
But this time, he never gave up, and the friends together were cheering for him, and by the last dozen pages, even the teachers of the tutoring class were sighing and cheering for him.
When there were only a few pages left in the dictionary, I was extremely excited as a bystander, as if I was the one who was about to get the "huge money".
Finally, he finished writing!
After several months, he came to the cram school every day without being urged by the teacher to consciously complete his homework, and then he copied the dictionary and hardly played much.
When he finished writing the last word, he let out an exclamation.
I think the significance of that moment was no less significant to junior high school than the success of the atomic bomb test to China.
The kind of dedication to doing something and finally completing it is invaluable for children.
I believe that this kind of moment is full of excitement for many people of all ages.
We all look forward to the results reward with him.
A few days later, we all wanted to congratulate the classmate, but he didn't.
Another of our friends asked him if he had a thousand dollars, and he looked gloomy: "I have shown it to my father, but he has not said anything, and the money has not been given to me." ”
We didn't ask about it later, and we don't know if his father gave it to him, but with his personality, if he got it, he would definitely take the initiative to mention it, and now it probably doesn't.
Many years have passed since this incident, and I can never forget the way he occasionally raised his head in the process of copying with a happy face and the way we planned, and even more difficult to forget his silence when he did not get a thousand dollars.
After that, he returned to the way he did not like to learn, as if the hopeful experience no longer existed, and people were much silent.
At the end of the story, the essence of human beings is like a dove, and there are only three outcomes that have been guaranteed with a small chest: one side keeps its promise, and the latter two are either you pigeon me or I pigeon you.
Although we have been wandering the rivers and lakes for so many years, we have long been accustomed to pigeons and pigeons.
But parents, must have been the first to teach us to herd pigeons.
High-achieving parents never deliver on their promises
An elder confided in me that his children were not obedient at all and often became angry over a little thing.
Not long ago, he quarreled because of an incident, the reason was that he promised his child to reward him with 500 yuan for good grades, but the child wanted to use the 500 yuan to charge the game, he immediately disagreed, and did not give his child the promised 500 yuan.
I asked him, "Why not give?" ”
But the elder said,
"I promised to give money to motivate him, the purpose was achieved, I originally wanted to give something casually, but this kid actually wanted to buy a game console, of course I took this opportunity to directly not give it."
I said, "This is how the child will become rebellious. ”
This elder made a remark that I couldn't refute.
He said: "Taking the promised children seriously and finding ways to implement them will not only increase the cost of education for no reason, but also be detrimental to the child's adaptation to social rules in the future." ”
Elders' point of view: The meaning of promising is to motivate, not to fulfill.
If you always keep your promises and fulfill your child's wishes, it seems to leave a good impression on your child, but in fact, there will be endless troubles.
Why children want so many things is just desire.
And desire will swell, today I also want 500 things, next time I want 1000 things, this time I travel domestically, and I may have to travel abroad next time.
If you are satisfied for the first time, there will always be a time when you can't be satisfied later, at this time, the child's psychological gap will be huge, light will be splattered and rolled, and the heavy will hate parents for a lifetime.
Therefore, when parents must be firm-minded, do not fulfill from the first promise, the child may make trouble for a few days, but when he goes to the restaurant, he will obey, and he will forget after playing for a few days.
Repeat this back and forth several times, and when the child adapts, his psychological endurance will be greatly enhanced than before, and he will understand what it means to be a soldier and not tired of fraud, and eventually adapt to society.
That's all the elder's point of view.
Summarizing the views of the elders has two meanings:
One is that one day will never be able to satisfy the child, since this is the case, it is better not to be satisfied the first time;
The second is that children forget afterwards.
Do you agree with this elder's point of view, and does it resonate?
Let's use two real events to see how these two meanings unfold.
- Children will also understand their parents
There was a male classmate who had always wanted a computer in high school, but his family was poor.
One day, his father said, "You study hard, if your grades can improve, I will buy you a computer." ”
The classmates were very excited when they heard it, but they thought about it, did the family have the money to buy it for themselves?
But then he still had the attitude of giving it a try, wanting to see if his father would fulfill his promise.
Unexpectedly, when the male classmate's academic performance improved, his father really went to the bank to withdraw money, and his father took the 100-yuan bill wrapped in a cloth bag and took the male classmate into the computer city.
The male classmate did not expect his father to actually do this, but he withdrew.
He knew in his heart that if this money was spent, his father would have to work hard for a long time to earn it.
So, he pulled his father out and said: "Dad, I don't want it, wait until you have the money to buy it for me, I know that you will not regret it, I will be very satisfied." "The father is sad for his son's understanding.
What level of family situation is can also be felt by children, and there are many sensible children who need to be guided slowly.
It's a blessing to have parents who talk like that, aren't they?
- It is a terrible thought that children and adults alike will forget about it.
Because I myself have not forgotten!
When I was very young, my father once said that I would quit smoking if I was in the top three of my grade, and I did it, my father didn't do it at all, he didn't do anything.
Since then, I have rarely believed what my father said, and although my father will try to keep his promises later, I remember this incident even now.
When I mention it by chance, my parents don't remember, but I will still remember the grievances at that time, and even a trace of different emotions will surge in my heart at this time.
Perhaps we and our parents have forgotten the cause of the matter, but the resentment and grief in our hearts have remained, and after many years, the forgotten things can no longer be resolved, because forgetting cannot be cured, and the painful memories of childhood will be buried forever.
In the child's world, parents are dependent
Whether or not to keep promises is a matter of keeping promises for adults.
The number of broken trusts between adults has accumulated, and at most it is to break up and never communicate again.
And for small children, their world is small enough to fill it with just a commitment from their parents.
When this expectation that fills the child's whole world is suddenly taken away, the child's world will suddenly collapse.
But some people say: "The child is finished crying and making trouble, and after forgetting it has no effect." ”
But is that really the case?
Let's take a look at star Zhang Yunyi's frank words in variety shows.
In the variety show, the guests provoked the topic of childhood, who knew that Zhang Yunyi's expression froze at once, and it took a long time for her to say that her childhood experience still affects her until now.
At that time, Zhang Yunyi was still young, and her mother promised that if Zhang Yunyi studied well and got to the top few in the class, then she would buy her a pair of small white shoes.
You must know that at that time, little white shoes were a girl's dream gift, which was a great temptation for Zhang Yunyi.
Therefore, she worked hard and finally achieved good results and got the class rank stipulated by her mother.
However, when she told her mother the news, her mother did not keep her promise.
Since then, she has made a vow: "When I grow up, I must earn a lot of money and buy myself a lot of white sneakers." ”
Until now, she still buys white shoes for her shoes.
An incident when he was a child affected Zhang Yunyi for thirty years, and it will continue to influence it in the future.
Some people commented on this: Isn't Zhang Yunyi growing up well now? This incident also inspired her to work hard to make money, otherwise she would not have become a big star and would not have made so much money. ”
Judging from Zhang Yunyi's current situation, isn't this obsession itself a sick emotion?
Zhang Yunyi is just lucky, but many people are not lucky.
There are two fifth-grade girls in Wenzhou, Zhejiang Province, whose parents have long promised the two little girls that they will take them to each other's homes to play, but they have not made a temporary appointment.
The little girl thought that her parents always talked like this does not count, not only this one thing, so the more she thought about it, the more angry she became, and she climbed directly to the roof of the 4th floor of her own community when she was excited, wanting to jump, but fortunately she was discovered in time.
If this Wenzhou girl is not discovered in time, it will cause irreparable tragedy.
are all treasures held in the palm of their parents' hands, do parents want such an ending?
Parents will also be sad, they will also be sad, a good child to the extreme, no one can bear it.
So we can't generalize about this kind of thing, the world of children and adults is different.
An adult's daily day is made up of a combination of many things arranged and the environment is complex.
In this case, adults will complain, get angry, or confide in family and friends when they encounter someone else's dishonesty.
But it will soon pass and will not let this kind of thing take up too much of its own time.
And in the small world of children, parents are all they have.
Even their only dependent parents can no longer be trusted, who else can they rely on?
In the end, they will only fall into despair and slowly develop a unique personality that makes them no longer choose to trust their parents and start self-protection.
In the eyes of children, parents are symbols of prestige and example, and every rebellion of parents will reduce their status in the eyes of their children, until their admiration for their parents is exhausted.
Li Meijin, a professor of psychology, said: "Parents who talk for a long time do not count, which will lead to the education of children, there is no persuasion, at this time the children will become more and more difficult to manage." ”
Are everyone's children getting harder and harder to manage?
If you don't listen, you will never communicate with your parents if you have something in your heart, and you feel that your parents will never understand themselves.
The relationship between mother and son is like a bomb, exploding anytime and anywhere.
Or the child is willing to tell his parents about everything, regard his parents as his life mentors, the emotional trough, and stay with his parents for a while will be instantly resurrected.
Whether you are a child or a parent, which of these reveals your current situation?
summary
Sociologist Zach said: Parents are the closest people to their children and the most trustworthy people.
Behind the commitment of parents to their children, it reflects their intentions for their children.
For commitments, learn to agree to reasonable requests from children.
Ask your child what their requirements are before making a decision.
Don't just promise things your child can't do just to motivate.
Once you have made a promise, keep it.