Wen \ Mumu, Jiang Zuo Meiniang
"Emotional Cold Violence" says:
"People who are used to belittling others have a strong desire for power, and controlling others can give them a sense of value. Debasement and humiliation are important means to achieve mental manipulation of others, and once the degraded person agrees with this debasement, it enters the mental manipulation of the cold violent person. ”
When I saw this sentence, I suddenly thought of "Wife's Romantic Trip" that I have been chasing recently.
Among them, the most appropriate to this sentence is the pair of Zheng Jun and Liu Yun.
Their pair, one is a former rock veteran, the other is a spicy wayward girl, the two have an age difference of 15 years, in the past reports, everyone often said that "Daya's Zheng Jun was accepted by the vulgar Liu Yun" and "Liu Yun is not worthy of Zheng Jun" and so on.
As a result, when I watched the show, I found that many details had been misinterpreted.
Liu Yun's bad temper was not for no reason, but was so angry by Zheng Jun's behavior that he had nowhere to vent, and could only respond with madness, work, and crying. In this relationship, Zheng Jun is the controller with a strong desire for power.
There is such a scene in the variety show, and many people said that they were angry.
Zheng Jun said that when he and Liu Yun were just together, he took Liu Yun and his two good friends to eat together.
From the moment they sat down, the two friends talked about Zheng Jun's ex-girlfriend in front of Liu Yun, how long the meal was eaten, they chatted for as long as they could, you know, Liu Yun was at the dinner table, Zheng Jun actually didn't realize that something was wrong at all, didn't care about Liu Yun's feelings, or interrupted a friend's chat.
Until the end, Liu Yun really couldn't eat, got up and said, "Don't talk, let's go." ”
After the meal, the two drove home, Zheng Jun was very dissatisfied with Liu Yun's attitude at the dinner table, and immediately accused Liu Yun: "It is also unintentional for old friends to meet, you can't get angry with people directly." ”
Liu Yun was angry and aggrieved: "Anyway, I can't say a direction now, so you can stop." In fact, she just wanted Zheng Jun to coax, and this matter passed.
But I didn't expect that Zheng Jun just didn't coax Liu Yun, and it would still be 4 o'clock in the morning, he directly stopped and let Liu Yun go down, and Liu Yun walked on the road for more than 2 hours like this.
Even if a friend called later to remind him that it was too dangerous for Liu Yun to be alone on the road, Zheng Jun only asked the agent to drive to pick up Liu Yun, and did not go over in person.
In the show, Zheng Jun also said that Liu Yun was particularly ignorant before, and when she realized her mistake, she would take the initiative to apologize.
God, such a serious thing, he actually felt that it was all Liu Yun's fault!
Netizens said that they originally thought that Liu Yun was very pretentious, but when they saw this scene, they were very able to empathize with her, because in the face of the tyrant Zheng Jun's cold violence, incomprehension and groundless accusations, you are not only angry, but also more angry! I really don't know how Liu Yun endured it.
In fact, this kind of thing is not uncommon in life, especially after entering marriage, some men always complain that the women in the family are making trouble, I don't know why they are so willful, but in fact, most of the problems are with men.
01. The willfulness in marriage is likely to be caused by the cold violence of the other half
For all women, when they enter marriage, they have good expectations.
I hope to live a warm and happy happy life with my other half, trust each other, tolerate each other, do not quarrel, and have a happy family. However, when the other party is indifferent to themselves and refuses to communicate, women will cry, make trouble, and even deliberately find fault.
In fact, in essence, it is all about hoping to use this performance, hoping to get the attention and comfort of the other party.
Just like Liu Yun's several "actions", it was actually because Zheng Jun ignored her.
In the process of coming to Qiandao Lake to record the show, Liu Yun chatted with Zheng Jun, but Zheng Jun played with his mobile phone while snorting melon seeds, and did not pay attention to what Liu Yun was talking about.
Liu Yun changed the topic a few more times, pestering Zheng Jun to chat all the time, but only to get a perfunctory response. Zheng Jun did not raise his head, let alone answer, and the whole scene became Liu Yun talking to himself.
Liu Yun's emotions were on the verge of collapse, angry and crying, "Your ears seem to be closed, and you don't listen at all." "How did you promise me last night?" After speaking, seeing that the other party still did not respond, she finally grabbed her bag and snatched the door.
The next night, Zheng Jun came to Liu Yun's side, Liu Yun vented his emotions for two days, crying and accusing Zheng Jun of ignoring her during the day, "You didn't pay attention to me all day today" and "You don't even have basic respect and understanding."
Men seem to be naturally better at cold violence, and the same is true of my family's old Yang, and there are probably several reasons for men's cold violence.
First, they just want to put on a feudal patriarchal appearance, give you pressure, make you obedient, dare not make a second, simply put, they just want to pinch you, this kind of man is either seriously macho or narcissistic;
Second, most of them are offended by some of your behavior, so they want to give you some color;
Third, they are naturally nervous and may really be insensitive to some of your performances and not realize that their actions will bring you harm.
However, cold violence is actually a kind of domestic violence that is easy to be overlooked.
"Emotional Cold Violence" mentions:
"Mental pain is not a diseaseless moan, it is the same as physical pain, it needs to be seen, soothed, and treated. If not cared for in time, it may develop more seriously and affect the quality of life. ”
When there are contradictions in the marriage relationship, the most important thing is to communicate and resolve the contradictions. But when a woman tries very hard to cater to you and you still don't respond, then she will naturally behave more willfully.
Willfulness is an overreaction that breaks the convention, and women hope that through this excessive willful behavior, they expect to be seen and valued by men.
02. Cold violence to the extreme, willfulness will also be to the extreme
In the book "Emotional Cold Violence", it also mentions the typical "cold violence" couple Xu Bochang and Liu Shufen in the movie "No Question Xidong".
His wife Liu Shufen loved her husband Xu Bochang very much, and no matter how hard she was, she had to provide for him to finish college. After getting married, Liu Shufen wanted to live a good life with him, but he always treated Liu Shufen with cold violence.
In the face of her husband's cold violence, she was sad, and did not know how to make the relationship between the two better, so she had to protest with her wayward behavior of beating and scolding her husband.
Her husband ignored her, and she chased him with a sheet, scolding and yelling while beating:
"I'm not half a head shorter than you, you just want this neighborhood and all outsiders to know that I bully you all day, right?" You talk, you! ”
But the husband just refused to say a word.
The husband divides the things in the house very clearly and never touches hers. When she saw her husband's appearance, she was so angry that she dropped his cup, thinking that this would allow him to use her cup. However, the husband prefers to drink water from a bowl.
Liu Shufen was angry and threatened to drop her husband's bowl, but her husband was still very indifferent, shook his head, and refused to use her things.
What the people around saw was that Liu Shufen kept making trouble, and how tolerant Xu Bochang was.
Therefore, when student Wang Minjia stood up for the teacher and wrote a letter accusing Liu Shufen, Liu Shufang was even more aggrieved and angry, and ran directly to the hospital where Wang Minjia worked, treated her as a "junior", slapped her, and also complained to the hospital leader, "She seduced my husband", making a fuss.
Although she saw Wang Minjia being criticized and beaten by everyone, Liu Shufang's inner pain still did not abate, and Xu Bochang did not realize that there was something wrong with him.
Finally returning to her deserted home, Liu Shufen jumped into the well in despair, which was her last willfulness, this time willful, completely ended her life.
Liu Shufang's "beating her husband" was in order to be seen by her husband and hope to gain her husband's attention and understanding, but Xu Bochang did not;
Liu Shufen made a big fuss about "junior", although it was a little indiscriminate, but it was also because she was suppressed by her husband's cold violence for a long time, so she would produce hysterical anger.
In the end, Liu Shufen's "suicide" was the most desperate counterattack against her husband's cold violence after saving the marriage without results.
This tragic example shows us that men's cold violence is extreme, and women's willfulness can also be forced to the extreme.
In the face of cold violence, women's moderate willfulness is actually a way to run marriage, and she is a confrontation with men's cold violence. And such a confrontation, in fact, women themselves are also hurt.
Like Liu Yun, he walked alone for more than two hours, cold and dangerous, not self-abuse? Like Liu Shufen, when she scolded Xu Bochang, she was also held uncomfortable, and eventually went to death, which was a huge self-defeat.
"Emotional Cold Violence" says:
"The mind cannot exist in isolation... Throughout our lives, we need to draw nourishment from our relationship responses. ”
That's right, if men can't understand the reasons behind the willfulness of women and continue to treat her ruthlessly with cold violence, this will not only cause women to fall into deep self-doubt, but also bring huge mental pressure to women, and even cause irreversible consequences.
Marriage needs to be well maintained by both husband and wife, and neither party should use cold violence to push the other away.
03. Mei Niang said
The purpose of "cold violence" in "Emotional Cold Violence" is well summarized:
"Non-responders intentionally or unintentionally ignore the needs of those who need to respond, and respond by ignoring, silent, interrupting, ambiguous, etc., so that the needs of those who need to respond are frustrated."
Yes, we can not only see Liu Yun's "work", but also see Zheng Jun's "cold", it is his coldness that makes Liu Yun's communication frustrated again and again.
Some people say that love is one thing descending one thing, as long as this marriage continues and mutual love is still there, then "doing" and "cold" complement each other.
That's right, at present, it seems that "Daya" Zheng Jun met the "vulgar" Liu Yun, a pair of grudges who love and kill each other.
They have been together for 12 years and have a child, and everyone is worried about their marriage at the moment, but people have no plans to leave.
However, everything is constantly changing, but if Zheng Jun is still too egoistic, cold violence will not be accepted when it is good, then Liu Yun may not be able to continue to endure; Or Liu Yun did too outrageously, making Zheng Jun unbearable, then the marriage was over.
Returning to Xu Bochang and Liu Shufen, why did their marriage die and hurt in the end, because only one party has love and care for the other, which is naturally difficult to balance.
You are never distressed; You are cold, I have never felt warmth, then it can only end in tragedy, so one by one, control within the reasonable range of love, that is fun, beyond the reasonable range, that will be tragic.
In the book "Emotional Cold Violence", we sort out the three ways of cold violence: projection, passive aggression and denial, which operate quietly in intimate interactions, and many times make us women hurt and unaware.
Women face the cold violence of men, often use a wayward way to wake up men's attention, and this willfulness is often a way to hurt the enemy eight hundred, self-damage a thousand, men's psychology is often much stronger than us, so learning a better way to deal with it is our top priority, I have learned, how about you?
-END-