In the early morning of January 4, 1991, in the bathroom of a ward of Taipei Veterans General Hospital, the famous writer Sanmao committed suicide. The news was published in the major media, and many readers burst into tears. Sanmao's death left the world with nothing only sighs, but also more doubts: she is only 48 years old, why did she commit suicide?
Sanmao's way of committing suicide is unbelievable, according to her family's recollection: when Sanmao was found, her body was hanging from the toilet in the bathroom of the ward, her hands were folded in prayer, and her face was peaceful.
Sanmao hanged herself with stockings, and the drip rack used to hang herself was not as high as her body, and with the length of the stockings, it was almost impossible for an adult to hang himself at such a height. From a certain point of view, it can be said that Sanmao strangled himself to death.
Sanmao could have been immortal, there was a toilet handrail on the wall next to her, as long as she still had a little desire to ask for business, she could immediately hold the handrail to save her life, but she didn't, she walked very resolutely. As she wrote in "Rolling Red Dust": "If you don't run away, you die." ”
What kind of pain is it that makes a person so determined to choose to end his life? The police concluded - "tired of the world due to illness". But Sanmao did not suffer from any serious illness, her attending doctor Zhao Guanzhong said that Sanmao only had endometrial hypertrophy, and he performed a minor operation for Sanmao, which was very successful.
Zhao Guanzhong could not agree with Sanmao's statement that he was "tired of the world due to illness" and went to a desperate end, and he speculated that it should be an emotional problem. After Sanmao's death, her sister also said: "Everything is only in her heart, so no one can save her." Her father was even more hurt: "She lost the strength to live." ”
What exactly makes Sanmao despair? Since she did not leave a suicide note before she died, her death has become an intractable mystery.
At midnight the day before Sanmao died, she made a phone call. She said on the phone: "Xiaoxiong, I'm Sanmao, are you at home?" What about people? "Unfortunately, the owner on the other end of the phone is not there. The "little bear" in Sanmao's mouth is named Shu Zeping, who is her former friend.
Sanmao left a copy of "Rolling Red Dust" to Wei Zeping before his death, and in the 66th scene of the book, he held a thin piece of paper. It wasn't until Sanmao's death that Wei Luping accidentally found the last letter Sanmao secretly left him on a speeding train in Siberia, which was also her "suicide note":
"Little bear, I'm leaving, this time it's true. When Dunhuang flew into the sky, Ze Ping, I wanted you... I used to wish you wouldn't let go of my sleeves on a night when the rain knocked on the window. I have to go...... Lover Sanmao. ”
The letter, like her last phone call, exudes a suffocating loneliness and despair. Seventeen years after Sanmao's death, Shu Zeping made Sanmao's suicide note public, saying in an interview:
"The most hated thing in Sanmao's life is the number 6, why? Because she and Jose met and fell in love for 6 years before getting married, but after 6 years of love, suddenly Jose passed away, and then two more 6 years later, Sanmao himself left. ”
Sanmao chose to end his life, perhaps since Jose left, he was already doomed. She is a woman who longs for love, and Jose's unexpected death takes away her last attachment to the world and all her beautiful fantasies about life.
In 1955, Sanmao, who was still in the second year of junior high school, was suspended from school at home because he was humiliated and physically punished by his teacher. During this time, Sanmao had severe autistic tendencies, and she even thought she could be "psychic" and predicted to marry a Spaniard in the future. Jose is a Spaniard.
In 1967, at the age of 24, Sanmao came to Madrid, Spain to study. On Christmas Eve this year, she was invited to a local friend's house for the holiday. When the bell rang on Christmas Eve, there was a knock on the door.
Sanmao opened the door and saw a handsome Spanish boy. At that moment, her heart seemed to be electrocuted. Thinking that one day she can be his wife, her vanity will be greatly satisfied.
A few days later, Sanmao, who was returning to school, was reading in the dormitory when suddenly someone told her that her cousin had arrived. When Sanmao went downstairs to look, he realized that the so-called cousin was the boy he met on Christmas Eve. Sanmao also learned that his name was Jose. After that, Jose would come to Sanmao in three days and two heads.
Jose was still in his third year of high school, and one day he proposed to Sanmao. He said to her, "Echo, you wait for me for six more years, I still have four years of college to study, and I have two more years of military service." When these six years have passed, I will marry you." I go out every day to earn money, and you cook for me at home. ”
The sincere and simple confession made Sanmao feel deeply moved. But she was no longer a little girl after all, and she told Jose that since she said such a thing, it was best not to come to her again. Jose was saddened to hear this, and when he left, he kept shouting "Echo, goodbye".
After this separation, they both kept their promises and never contacted each other again.
In 1969, Sanmao graduated from university and began to roam Europe. She walked all the way, wandered all the way, and also met one love after another that ended without a problem. She has walked through many cities, but she feels more and more lonely. Two years later, Sanmao got tired of this life and returned to Taipei to become a teacher.
During this time, Sanmao met a 45-year-old German teacher. He is gentle and caring for Sanmao, and they soon fall in love and decide to get married. However, on the night they went to print their wedding business card, the German teacher suffered a heart attack and died in Sanmao's arms.
Just found true love, in an instant, heaven and man are forever, and this relationship hit Sanmao very hard. Soon after the death of the German teacher, Sanmao swallowed a large amount of sleeping pills and lay quietly at home waiting for death to come. When she was found by her family, she was unconscious.
Perhaps guided by fate, Sanmao, who woke up, once again packed her bag, and by mistake she came to Madrid again. Her six-year contract with Jose also just expired. She wrote to tell Jose that she had arrived, and Jose was ecstatic. After the letter was sent, Sanmao still wandered on his own.
One day Sanmao received a call from a former friend asking her to come to her home. After entering the door, her friend God mysteriously told her to close her eyes. She felt a pair of hands gently pick her up, and when she opened her eyes, she saw a tall, bearded man who was the child of the year, Jose.
When they saw each other again six years later, they hugged each other and were thrilled. Sanmao followed Jose to his room and saw that the wall was full of pictures of her. That day, Jose proposed to her, and Sanmao agreed to him without hesitation.
Before reuniting with Jose, Sanmao saw an article about the Sahara Desert in National Geographic, which made her fascinated to go to Africa alone.
She told Jose about the idea, and he disappeared soon after. Suddenly, one day, Sanmao received a letter from Jose, who had gone to the Sahara and had found a job there. With a job, when Sanmao comes to the desert, he will arrange everything to take care of her.
Jose gave up his favorite sea for her, and Sanmao was once again greatly touched by his deep affection. So Sanmao hurriedly left a letter to his friend: "Gone, get married, and cherish no more!" ”
In 1973, Sanmao married Jose, who had been in love with her for 6 years. On the day of the notary wedding, they didn't even have a bouquet of flowers, and Sanmao replaced it with a handful of celery and completed a simple wedding with Jose.
Jose's wedding gift to her was not roses, but a complete camel skull. Sanmao opened the box and saw the camel's two rows of teeth "smiling" at her. This scary gift Sanmao liked it so much that he put it on the bookshelf and couldn't let go of it.
In this way, in the windswept Sahara, Sanmao and Jose began their difficult and happy life. Ten years after Sanmao's pen, he once again wrote the sensational "desert scripts", those words that recorded their desert time were later included in the book "The Story of the Sahara".
Sanmao married Jose, not so much driven by love, but moved by Jose. In a 1974 letter to her parents, she said:
"Don't worry about my future, I'm free, I'll live well, Jose loves me enough to be satisfied." My personality has changed a lot, and I don't have to worry about the future. Jose likes to go diving, give him a dive, if something happens, life will be just like that, don't be too sad. ”
Unexpectedly, something happened in the end.
In 1979, Sanmao followed Jose to La Palma Island. It was the 6th anniversary of her marriage to Jose, and Jose bought her a vintage watch as a gift. He said, "In the next minute, you can't forget me and let it count for you." Sanmao felt that this was a little shocking.
In October 1979, on the way to Sanmao to send his parents back to Taiwan, the news of Jose's diving accident came.
At one o'clock that night, someone suddenly came looking for her. As if telepathically, Sanmao shouted at the comer: "Jose is dead? Are you here to tell me Jose is dead? On October 2, the local newspaper published the news: "Jose drowned." ”
The day Jose's body was recovered coincided with the Mid-Autumn Festival. Sanmao's parents tried to prevent her from seeing Jose's remains, but Sanmao still rushed up desperately, kneeling on the beach and calling Jose's name desolately. She grabbed her husband's cold hands, already in a half-crazy state, and kept muttering in her mouth: "I have parents here now, I can't go with you, you go and wait for me first." ”
Eventually, Sanmao buried Jose in the cemetery they often walked to, and after burying Jose, Sanmao wrote the following sentence: "It is you and me who are buried." It's us who are gone. ”
Jose died, and so did Sanmao's soul. Her flesh that remained in the world struggled, destined to be unable to bear the pain that came at night. During the mourning period, Sanmao wanted to follow Jose many times, and under the hard persuasion of her friend Qiong Yao for more than 7 hours, she agreed: she would never commit suicide.
After Jose's death, Sanmao returned to Taiwan to settle in Taiwan under the persuasion of her parents, ending her 14-year wandering life. Now that the lover is gone, there is no point in wandering.
In the years after Jose's death, Sanmao forced himself to live. In order not to look vulnerable, she threw herself into work like crazy - writing books, writing lyrics, writing screenplays, collecting old objects.
In the eyes of her friends, she is doing well. Sanmao rarely shows sadness, she drinks with friends, chats, and laughs, and is really happy, seemingly healed on the surface, but the deep pain in her heart has never dissipated.
In April 1989, Sanmao returned to the mainland for the first time to visit relatives.
At that time, Sanmao had close contact with many literati on the mainland, and her story with Wang Luobin, the "king of western songs", was even more controversial. In particular, the "letter of love" she wrote to Wang Luobin has cast a layer of mystery on the relationship between the two.
Wang Luobin is a full 30 years older than Sanmao, and Sanmao almost grew up listening to his songs. It's just that she didn't know that this famous musician still had a legendary and ups and downs life. After Sanmao saw Wang Luobin's interview, he yearned in his heart: "This old man is too bleak and cute, I want to write to him." ”
In April 1990, Sanmao flew to Xinjiang with this sympathy and curiosity, met 77-year-old Wang Luobin, forgot the friendship of the year, and talked happily. Wang Luobin's rich life experience and outstanding artistic talent make her admire and admire. In a letter to Wang Luobin, Sanmao said:
"Thousands of miles, in order to get to know you, this love is not an accident, but a destiny, and there is no way to resist. We are a kind of ageless people, and the general worldly concept cannot bind you, nor can we bind me... You can't ask me not to love you, and at this point, I'm free. ”
In the face of Sanmao's hot and intense emotions, Wang Luobin wrote to her: "George Bernard Shaw has a worn-out parasol, which has long lost its role as an umbrella, and he can only use it as a crutch when he goes out with it. He was telling Sanmao that he was old and useless.
But Sanmao's sincere forgetfulness, I'm afraid no one understands it except herself. She desperately wanted to come to Urumqi and live with Wang Luobin.
In August 1990, Sanmao came to Urumqi and lived with Wang Luobin for a while. However, a group of media people were filming a documentary for Wang Luobin, they arranged for Sanmao to "participate", Sanmao felt that he was "used", which made the relationship between the two a mess, and finally Sanmao gambled and left.
The short moth-like love affair with Wang Luobin did not cure her loneliness and despair. Sanmao, who has sought love all his life, is finally wounded all over the body in the gap between reality and ideals. She had premeditated and was determined not to stay in this sad world.
Mother Miao Jinlan recalled: "In the years after Jose passed away, Sanmao often mentioned to me that she wanted to die, asking me to promise her, and she said that as long as I promised, she could die happily. ”
In January 1991, Sanmao was admitted to the Veterans General Hospital in Taipei due to illness. The day before going to the hospital, she suddenly solemnly gave her mother a jade carving and birthday card. My mother thought it was strange and told her, "Isn't my birthday next month?" Sanmao said lightly: "I'm afraid it's too late." ”
Two days later, in the early morning, Sanmao hanged himself in the hospital. Sanmao wrote in "Rolling Red Dust": "The tragedy of fate is not as much a tragedy as a sexual tragedy." It was like talking about herself. She knows everything, but she just can't live.
The man named Jose gave her meaning in life. If the loved one is still there, death is a taboo and must not be mentioned; But the loved one is gone, and death is a temptation for her. Death is a lake, and she wandered around the lake for 12 years before finally deciding to plunge headlong into it.
END.
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