The most gentle upbringing
A good book, a growth!
Hello parents,
Many parents are full of love for their children in their hearts, but they are limited to not knowing how to express themselves, so that children cannot feel their full love; many children are eager to be close to their parents, but they are hindered by estranged relationships and cannot establish a solid emotional connection with their parents. In this home-school co-education class, we continue to share with parents the extraordinary intensive reading column of Teacher Tian Hongjie in the Fan Deng Reading Club, explaining the "Most Gentle Parenting" explanatory manuscript written by Korean writer Wu Enying, so that you can appreciate the classic content and parenting methods in the book as soon as possible. In this book, the author Wu Enying hopes that from today onwards, everyone will change the way they talk to their children, change by 1° every day, and build a beautiful relationship with their children little by little. With gentle words, let the child feel the love, with firm behavior, let the child grow.
(Continued from the previous issue)
Fifth, how to guide children to develop good habits?
The fifth part is the formation of children's habits. Sometimes, the habits in children's lives are particularly difficult and slow to develop, what should I do at this time?
01 Do not force suppression, be flexible
First of all, to do one thing is that when the child has some small problems in life, such as he is picky eaters, and you want to change his bad habits, what you have to do is to try not to be hard pressed, try not to produce emotional conflicts, and leave a space for the child's development.
For example, the book tells a particularly small story, a child he does not like to eat soybeans, there may be only a few soybeans in the bowl, but he just does not eat. At this time, don't tell the child: "You see, the peasant uncle has worked hard to grow this soybean, we have to eat, come, taste it, the grains are hard. Don't say, "This soybean is very good, now there are many African children who are still hungry, they can't eat soybeans, you can eat soybeans so happy." ”
Why? Because these moral standards will make the child feel guilty, but the child has not learned why he wants to eat soybeans, he has not learned rationality and legitimacy. To tell the truth, if the child does not want to eat soybeans today, he does not want to eat this soybean for the rest of his life, and what we have to do is that if he says he does not eat today, you don't have to fight with him. If you are your shoulders, every time you say eat soybeans, the two of you may clash. Every time you say soybeans, you will compete, then this child may not eat it in this life. If you don't eat him today, then forget it, and wait until he eats.
Today you can just say such a sentence: "Well, today my mother will help you pick out these few soybeans, and you can eat with confidence." In fact, if you get used to eating, you will find that soybeans are also delicious. But there was an air port left behind, "You will find that you are used to eating, and the soybeans are also delicious." That's it, and then slowly wait for a moment, and when the child eats one, you can say, "When you want to eat, you can taste a few more." "Next time, won't the child taste it slowly?" Therefore, the process of educating children must be flexible.
What is elasticity? Elasticity is that he doesn't want to eat, so we don't have to force him to eat, but one day, he may change a little bit at some point, you can say, "Actually, it's good to eat this." ”
Or, for example, a child who loves his own belongings so much that he refuses to share them for the time being. You don't have to force him to share, you can say: "Well, it seems that your toys don't want to be divided for the time being, but in fact, sharing is also very good." "It's enough, don't force him to share, wait for which day, there must be a moment, the child wants to share his toys to others, at this time, you don't exaggerate to praise him, you say: "You are sharing toys, it's good." "That's enough.
I think some parents, especially after learning more about educational psychology over the years, especially love to praise their children. For example, the child he never shared, and then one day finally shared, the whole family praised the child with great fanfare: "Liang Liang shared today, awesome!" You see, how much fun it is to play with toys together! "You are running too fast, the child only wants to share a little, and as a result, you run too fast, it seems that the child is still a little behind, the child may have the feeling of being forced, then the child will retreat." 」
So, don't go too far. Wait for such an opportunity, he shows a little difference, we do not trace this little difference to encourage a little, the child he actually has a little new development in the original characteristics, and so on the new characteristics more and more, the child's behavior will begin to get better.
That is to say, the most important thing in the formation of habits is that you must look at the long term and always have a goal in your heart, but don't be too anxious in your eyes and hands, and don't have to urge your children to change in a day.
02 Don't attack and accuse, be patient and gentle
The second point is that when you want to change your child's behavior, you don't say, "How many times have I told you?" ”
For example, if you talk well with your child before, but the next time he still doesn't change, then the parents will often say a word, "How many times have I told you?" Don't say this, you have to say, "If you still find it difficult, well, then Mother will teach you again." ”
You must understand that the formation of a child's behavior sometimes requires trial and error many times. In fact, how long he can learn does not depend on how clearly and how intensely we teach the party we teach, and how eagerly we let him learn, but on the side of learning and his own progress. If you do teach many times, but he's still listening and practicing, that's his progress. So, you don't think that the child can understand, but he just doesn't do it, in fact, sometimes he just hasn't done it yet, and if we ask him, "How many times have I told you?" This sentence is a kind of compulsion, and sometimes even an attack.
In fact, we say this because our view of education, the vision does not look at the long term, we may not have found it ourselves, this sentence actually means that we feel in our hearts that children should correct all their mistakes at once. This is a kind of naivety in our view of education. So, let's not tell our children, "How many times have you said that?" "We have to decide according to his progress, once not, we will say it again, this method is not ok, we will say another method, then slowly will not be?
03 Don't abuse the agreement, estimate the ability
Then, don't say the following sentence, that is, you and the child have said yes, but the next time the child commits another crime, then you don't say to him: "Didn't we all say yes?" We all agreed. ”
Why? Let's read a case study. Four-year-old Little A likes to push people as soon as he is unhappy, and his mother took him to the parent-child café one day.
What is a parent-child café? That is, some places will have a space, where the mother can read, the child can also read with the mother, but on the other side, the children have a place to play together, so this is not only a place for the mother and the child to relax together, but also a place for the child to socialize. Here, you will find that children are easy to socialize with other children here, but it is also easy to clash with other children.
Before he left, his mother told him, "We can't push people today." Verbal appointments, not assured, she also with the child stretched out her fingers, pulled hooks, stamps, and imitated high-fives, copying. As a result, not long after arriving at the café, the child couldn't help but push other children, and the mother was startled, so she quickly went over to the child and asked the child: "Didn't we say that we wouldn't push people?" The child lowered his head and did not speak. The mother said, "What kind of child is a child who does not comply with the rules?" The child said, "It's a bad boy." Mom said, "Can Santa Claus give a gift to a bad boy?" The child said, "No." Then the four-year-old shed tears.
In fact, you know that today the child is still likely to push others, at this time you say to the child, "We said well, can not push others", this time should not say this sentence. In cases where the child may still push others, what do you say to him? In fact, to change this behavior is not something you can say well, but to practice slowly.
Therefore, at this time, it is not "let's say ok", but "Child, today your mother will take you to the café, but if you are in the café, if you push other children like last time, then your mother will take you away." If he really pushes someone else again, you have to say, "Child, no way, today mom is going to take you away, we said, if you push someone else again, mom will take you away." Then you take him and leave, and when you leave, you can say, "Then next time Your mother will bring you." ”
This is about the rules, not about "we're done." Sometimes we have an agreement, but in fact, this agreement is sometimes lying to the child. We know in our hearts that the child can't do it, so we have to use a convention to limit him, in fact, you can't limit it. As a result, the child found that he could not do his mother's agreement, he was very depressed and resentful in his heart, and his mother also felt very frustrated. That's a hassle.
In fact, the original intention of our education is not to make the child frustrated, we are not to prove that the child is wrong, what we have to do is to teach the child what to do in this situation. So, just teach.
6. How to deal with parent-child conflict?
The last part of today is, what do you do when you have a conflict with your child?
01 Do not over-discipline
For example, if you tell your child about your request, you say it for half a day, and the childish mouth comes back and says, "Okay, I know." "Hearing this, are you angry, angry?" In fact, most adolescent children answer this way, he will not say to you well: "Mom I know, Mom is good." It sounded bad, but in reality, the words he had just said meant "Okay, I see." Although his tone was not good when he said this, he actually knew it, so at this time, you should not ask him, "How do you talk?" Do you know this attitude? "Not needed. He said, "I see. You can say, "Okay, just get it." "Don't go to the hard bar with him. Sometimes the older the child, the more disciplined he is by you, the more angry he is.
Therefore, at this time, we do not have a hard bar with him, we have to make a gentle example for the child, and the child may slowly become gentle. When the child has a bad attitude, as long as our request is communicated in place and he hears it, it is enough.
02 Emotions do not equal thoughts
There is another kind of parent-child conflict that the child speaks very fiercely, and what the child says makes us feel as if the knife has been inserted in the heart, which is very painful.
For example, some children will say, "Mom, I hate you." If only you weren't my mom. Some will even say, "Mom, I wish you were sick and dying." When you heard this, did you feel in your heart that you had failed in life? Even, some mothers feel that they are not interesting in living, they give birth to him, raise him, he just talks to himself, what is the point of doing this?
At this time, please do not doubt that your child must be deeply in love with you who gave birth to him. You gave birth to him and raised him, so he loves you, that's a certainty, no doubt, even if he says "I hate you" at this moment now, you are still the person he loves the most. He says "I hate you", he doesn't say he hates you, he says "your behavior makes me hate, makes me angry, I want you to see my needs." ”
So, at this time, don't say to your child, How do you say such? What's the matter with you? You don't want me to be a mom, I don't want to be your mom yet!" Raising a child like you, I really have enough! "Don't fight him. We are annoyed now, but let's not be controlled by our emotions and make childish counter-attacks. If you are particularly angry, if you are particularly uncomfortable, you can say, "Mom feels very hurt, I can't talk to you now, I may have to stop for a while, slow down for a while, and then My mother will talk to you later." ”
If you're really angry, stop for a while. If you can still contain this anger in your emotions now, he says, "I hate you." You can say, "Turns out, you hate your mother, can you tell your mother when your mother made you hate?" "That's it.
The child may say to you, "Yesterday I told you a request, and you didn't agree, so I hate you." You can ask curiously, "You hate your mother because your mother didn't agree to your request yesterday." It turned out to be so, so when you hated your mother, how did you feel, how did you feel? ”
Do you read this sentence or are you saying that he hates you? It's not that he hates you, it's that you don't agree to his requests, so he gets angry.
Therefore, when there is a parent-child conflict with a child, we really have to firmly believe that the child must love us. The child is expressing his emotions because of the conflict in his heart, and if we accept his emotions, in fact, we are also being gentle with ourselves.
03 Be gentle with yourself
As parents, sometimes it is not easy for us, and we have to be gentle with ourselves.
But sometimes, we may not be able to control our emotions. For example, there is a case in the book, a mother often beats a child, she came to do psychological counseling, she said to the author: "Dean Wu, I think I do not have the qualifications to be a mother, I can't be a mother." "Do you feel that way?
In fact, it is really difficult for us to raise children, every day for children to pay so much, we have to work, but also to live, to housekeeper, but also to manage children, we occasionally feel that we are a failure. At this time, you have to know that you are a little depressed inside, and you feel so difficult. You have to empathize with yourself first, you have to say to yourself, "I'm really tired today, but I've done my best." What I've done is already the best I can do right now. It's not easy, hug myself." When you feel depressed and depressed, you don't have to rush to cheer yourself up, you can hug yourself, stop, this is your greatest tenderness to yourself.
(End of series)
This book, "The Most Gentle Parenting," I think the best thing it does is that it is gentle not only to children, but also to parents. There are several scenes about "how to deal with parents when they have emotions", as long as you do a little practice every day, change a little bit every day, and return to the sentence at the beginning of the book, which is the role of 1 °.
Today we change our words a little, we understand our children a little more, gentle behavior insists on a little more, even if it is only 1 ° change, but we insist on five years, ten years, twenty years, we will find our life, our parent-child relationship will be different.
The most gentle upbringing
Today, we are the 130 plots in the book to be divided into several scenarios, namely how to love children, establish emotional connections, how to deal with negative emotions, how to make demands, rules, how to deal with peer relationships, brothers and sisters, how to develop good habits, and then how to achieve a good parent-child relationship. Practice every word you learn and every way of speaking in your life, just like practicing spoken language in a foreign language
Finally speaking gentle words, giving gentle love to children, but also giving yourself gentle love, just like this sentence on the cover page of this book: Be a gentle and determined parent and let love flow in dialogue.
Ph.D. in Educational Psychology
Development of Beijing Normal University
Specialist in child psychoeducation
Tian Hongjie
"The Most Gentle Parenting" mind map
Editor: Zhao Xiaoyan
Review: Xu Yonghong
Source: Weinan Linwei District Station South Office Hanma Junior High School