Brother Xiao Yao: The days when I don't write articles are like dying

Xiao Yao, our fourth character, screenwriter in 1987, a writer who never wanted to become a writer, a native of Zhuozhou, Hebei Province, now lives in Beijing, is a person who can't stay idle, has ideas and will continue to try, the purpose of life is to die without regret.

His published works include: "AI Trek" series, "Uncle Kai Water Margin" series, picture book "Accompany You to Say Goodnight I: Thinking of Space", and published more than ten short stories in "Brain Burning X" and "Brain Hole W".

"Although dreams cannot be eaten as rice, it is very likely to decide which bowl of rice you will eat in the future."

"Writing is to me like the way I exist in the world."

In this life, people can not seek fame and fortune, but they always have to try to do something.

So we always have to choose what to stick to.

"Persistence" at first sounds like a continuous action without waves, but only when you do it, you find out how much "persistence" itself has ups and downs, sadness and joy.

Xiao Yao, like to write for nearly thirty years, from the first time he wrote a novel in junior high school to now, let alone twenty years, roughly estimated to have written millions of words, and the economic income brought to him by this matter itself may still be a negative number.

In this era of swelling anxiety and lack of security, what is Xiao Yao trying to do? What really happened between him and writing?

The origin of a seed

From Grandpa to Jin Yong, from Uncle To Teacher Ma

When he was a child, Xiao Yao's grandfather loved to read books, although there were only a few books, such as "Yang Jiajian", "Ji Gong Biography", "Fengshen Yanyi" and the like, but this limited number of books to read became his earliest enlightenment.

His parents had a free-range education for Xiao Yao, and in the family, the one who had the deepest influence on Xiao Yao was his great uncle.

The eldest uncle is a person of the character of a big parent, and naturally takes on the responsibility of educating the younger generations at home. "He likes to educate people, often at the table where the family gathers to eat, teaches us the etiquette of pouring water and pouring wine and vegetables, saying that he has been deceived, what he has suffered, saying how other people's children are doing ah and so on, and teaching us how to be a person." When I was a child, I was most annoyed with reasoning, and the pressure was great every time I ate. It is also because of this that when our children were young, their minds were generally precocious, they thought more, and they did things in a measured manner. Xiao Yao recalled.

"Now that I'm older, I'm still grateful to my great uncle, and his brush writing is very good. And one thing, the two of us are a lot alike, is that we will insist on doing one thing, he loves photography, and now he is seventy or eighty years old, thunder, every day to take pictures, share photos. ”

From the third and fourth grades to writing poetry, until junior high school, Xiao Yao wrote a ghost story for the first time, with thousands of words, a large number of essay manuscript papers, submitted to the magazine "Legend of Ancient Times" that had not stopped publishing at that time, but was rejected. "With the return of the manuscript, they wrote a letter of rejection to me in their entirety, praising my advantages, saying about my shortcomings, pointing to the direction of the future, very sincere, and I felt great encouragement at that time."

Also in junior high school, there was a teacher Ma who taught Chinese, who liked his compositions very much, and often used his compositions as sample texts, so he also had a great motivation to write, and once confidently told the teacher, "Teacher, if my novel is published one day, I will send you a copy." ”

"Since that time, I have been remembering this sentence until seventeen or eighteen years later, in 2018, when "AI Trek" was published, I asked someone to find out the contact information of Teacher Ma, sent the book to him, and told him that I realized the bull I blew that year, and the teacher who received the book was very pleased."

In high school, Xiao Yao liked Jin Yong the most, sitting in the penultimate row, he almost read all of Jin Yong's long stories every day, "The Legend of the Eagle Shooter" and "The Tale of the Dragon Slayer in the Sky" were his favorites at that time. The feelings of home and country described in the novel, the character experience of children growing into heroes, and the charming and eccentric Huang Rong have become the most beautiful spiritual utopias of Xiao Yao's youth. Also under the influence of Jin Yong, in high school, he began to write novels in the category of crossing and martial arts, and wrote several white books of fine arts, but because of the college entrance examination, he had to stop.

Now it seems that it should be from that time that his creative path has quietly planted the seeds. Since then, Xiao Yao has been writing novels intermittently, but most of them have been broken.

However, his career ambition since he was a child was never to become a writer, but always wanted to do animation and games. "I thought so, to make an animation game, you have to do a screenwriter, hey ~ then writing a novel itself can help me become a screenwriter." 」 Dreams can't be eaten as rice, but it is very likely to decide which bowl of rice you will eat in the future. ”

"Writing novels is my only obsession, and I don't know why, but I was born to do it, and I never thought about how influential I was in writing. Writing, for me, is a way of life: you don't write, you feel bad, write and write, it's comfortable. Xiao Yao said, "Many regrets in my heart, many psychological problems, are gradually put down through one novel after another."

Man to 30 years

A "Green Lotus" has no intention of inserting willows

2016 was the beginning of Xiao Yao's reflection on himself, and it was also the beginning of his struggle with himself in writing.

That year, working in a public relations company, he began to wonder whether he was not suitable for writing long stories, whether he could try to write short and medium stories. Therefore, using his spare time, he wrote a novella martial arts sect story "Broken Knife" of 50,000 or 60,000 words, participated in the Douban essay contest, and was rejected.

"I was so frustrated that I wanted to fight and started writing until you thought it would stop." Now, there are about seven or eight of his short stories on the backstage of Douban.

In April 2016, a story similar to writing a prequel to Journey to the West, "The Mountain Without a Name", was written, and Xiao Yao casually shared this novel with the circle of friends. A friend liked it very much after reading it, took the initiative to contact him, and provided an idea (dream) that he had in mind, hoping that he could write this idea. Entrusted by his friend, Xiao Yao fulfilled his friend's wish in May of that year, and this work was called "Qinglian". "'Qinglian' is a milestone in my true sense of the word to create this life path."

A "Qinglian" saw this friend crying, and then this friend began to persuade him to open a public account to write a novel, took the initiative to help him apply for a public account, and took the initiative to help him typeset and publish. "At that time, I still felt that I couldn't stick to it, even if I wrote two articles, I guess I wouldn't be too lazy to move in the future." I always felt that it was a great difficult thing to insist on writing a novel for a year, so difficult that I lay in bed and turned over and over: I was ashamed not to stick to it, and I didn't live up to the trust of my friends. Xiao Yao's heart was full of entanglements at that time, "That night, until two o'clock in the morning, I was particularly miserable. People have said this, in this life, what have you done? It's really not out! ”

"I like to write novels myself, or I will continue to repay her for a year (updated every week)." Xiao Yao said, "At that time, I also thought that if I really ascended to this layer of heaven and really did not lose face for a year, then I must celebrate it well." Eat fifty bunches of lamb loins, drink fifteen bottles of tea classmates (a drink that was very popular at that time)! ”

In this way, on May 17, 2016, the public account "Brother Xiao Yao" was born and the first work was released.

In November 2016, half a year after Xiao Yao began writing novels on "Xiao Yao's brother", an industry he had never been exposed to, the film and television industry, threw an olive branch at him and talked to him twice. For him, who is nearly 30 years old, whether to start from scratch, he has to be cautious, on the one hand, the film and television company does not have much income, but on the other hand, this job does meet his vision.

"It's another night, to make a decision, to come and go, or to go!" If you don't go, you will always feel that it is a regret, or you must respect your inner choices, do things that you do not regret, and earn money, sooner or later you can earn it. After considering it, he left the public relations company and stepped into the film and television industry, "I didn't expect that after going there, the depression caused by starting a family would be good."

Fortunately, the new company supported his creation, he had plenty of time to write novels, 7 days a week, basically at home, at work and in cafes, living every day with a sense of urgency - thinking about how to write novels, how to create the next story, how to break through himself...

"Most of the content is not thought out in advance, a lot of it is forced out of the anxiety of day and night, basically thinking every day, writing, the brain has not stopped, the hand has not stopped." The schedule is extremely irregular, relying on Red Bull during the day and coffee at night. Insomnia almost night and night, lying in bed and turning over and over unable to sleep. Dark circles, no energy, fatigue, sore shoulders... Sighing all day, feeling depressed, laughing is also a bitter smile..."

And with it, there are many journals and WeChat platforms, the biggest influence on him is the entertainment culture of "Brain Burning X", the editor's encouragement to him, let him find that he has some talent in the creation of suspense novels.

On May 16, 2017, the time to write a one-year public account was reached. "At that time, I felt that I was mature, oh, it turned out that things in the world were not too difficult, as long as you insisted on doing it, there was no trick, and you would find that when you insisted, there would be a miracle - the opportunity for a film and television company to be a screenwriter came." At that time, the inner peace was so calm that even I felt incredible, there was nothing to celebrate, there was no need to celebrate, and even when I thought of going to happy because of this, I felt shameful and shameful in my heart. ”

The 300,000-word manuscript, the long story of the first season of "Wang Er Dog's Wulin", and more than a dozen short and medium stories (each work averages more than 2w words), this is the fruit that Xiao Yao has harvested in the past year by insisting on the public account.

It was also this year's time that Xiao Yao untied the knot in the heart of being rejected, and he wrote in the tweet of the first anniversary of the public account: "One year is only a writing practice period (pen practice), and after many works are written, even they can't read back - of course, it can also be said that despising the former self is the embodiment of progress." Write down hundreds of thousands of words a year, I must have improved. Progress is also relative, rejection is absolute, I am glad that I made up my mind to write a novel a year ago today. ”

More than a month later in the same year, "Kwa Father's Farm", which had long been lying in the background of Douban and eating ashes, was actually reviewed and launched, and the editors of the book company came to the door, they took a fancy to the structure and world view of the story, and hoped that Xiao Yao could change the long story. When the opportunity came, he continued to write, spending a year and a half writing the original 15w words to nearly 55w words.

Since the end of 2018, it has successively published 3 works of the brain-hole science fiction theme "AI Trek" (after the name of "Kwa Father's Farm" was renamed), focusing on the healing picture book "Accompany You to Say Goodnight: Missing Space" and "Uncle Kai Water Margin" for youth education.

During this period, the public account "Brother Xiao Yao" insisted on the second year, the third year...

Entrepreneurship is a hurdle

Squeezed "Orange" and me

Deeply aware of the chaos of the content of the film and television circle, at the beginning of 2019, Xiao Yao was determined to do high-quality content, so he resigned and organized several people to start a business, planning to write their own scripts, make films, and attract investment. But before there is a big capital injection, you can sell the script to make money. "At that time, it was said that by January 1, 2020, if it doesn't work, it can be dispersed, but we don't want to leave any regrets."

To start a business, we must consider the problem of eating, and the result is that creation and eating are tightly tied, Xiao Yao is basically busy writing scripts and finding jobs, and the frequency of writing novels is not high.

"Every time you think about a work, you have to think: Who will pay for it? If you have worked hard to write tens of thousands of words, no one is willing to publish, you can't make much money, and you can't sell the copyright, then what is the point of writing? Xiao Yao in entrepreneurship is getting farther and farther away from the happy self who once "simply wanted to express".

Starting a business is difficult, especially for people who are full of enthusiasm and affection. "From full of enthusiasm to collapse, from beating chicken blood to life and collapsing, constantly full of hope, and constantly disappointed, back and forth, repeated, this year has come this way, and the heart has indeed been greatly hurt." But I understand that my own understanding of entrepreneurship is too simple to understand. ”

According to the statistics of China First Financial News, the survival rate of start-ups in The three years from 2017 to 2019 for Chinese entrepreneurs is less than 1%. At the beginning of 2020, Xiao Yao worked hard for a year and failed to squeeze in "less than 1%", due to the lack of capital injection, the entrepreneurial trial ended.

He spent nearly half a year repairing himself —soothing his emotions, facing up to problems, and absorbing lessons learned. And the most effective way to heal yourself is to try to get everything back on track.

First of all, the work still has to be done, Xiao Yao found the current company and wrote the game script, "Now this is the place where I 'recuperate'." He said with a smile.

And when he sat at his desk and wanted to pick up the novel again, the creation of this "orange" has been squeezed by the long-term consumption of this hand, and at the same time the body has been unable to keep up, "the most serious is the cervical spine problem, every day as long as you sit next to the computer, the fingers touch the keyboard, the back and neck are like pinpricks."

Physically unwell, busy at work, unable to return to creation for the time being, his world fell to the bottom, "accepting himself is a difficult thing, especially in his heart, once taking writing novels as life." This acceptance is like accepting that you are dead. At first, full of frustration, but gradually, accepting reality. ”

Instead of being indignant all day, it is better to seize the time to read more books, play more games, brush up on movies, TV series, and get together with friends... Xiao Yao found a new way out for himself.

In the second half of 2021, Xiao Yao spent the most relaxed half a year since writing the novel. "Read dozens of books, management, history, philosophy and religion, finance and economics, psychology... I also bought a desktop, played a lot of steam games, played switch, played ps4, bought VR at a heavy price, and also immersed in the virtual world until the middle of the night... Oh, that's how the metaverse turned out to be. ”

"I don't think about writing novels, I don't feel frustrated because I can't create normally, and I don't worry about whether I will lose the ability to create in the future... Gradually, the mentality is getting better and better, but it is time to start again. "At the end of 2021, he finally experienced the inner peace that had been missing for a long time, and found the rhythm of life where he could read and write every day." To create this thing, really, is best to stay away from utilitarianism; to create, it is better to be clean. Xiao Yao stressed.

From 2016 to 2021, in 5 years, Xiao Yao embarked on the road of creation because of his obsession, and because of the defeat of the confrontation with reality, he fell to the bottom, and then he worked hard to make himself alive again step by step, he changed, lived more really, calmly, and tolerated, whether to the world around him, or to himself.

"I am very grateful for these 5 years and I feel that the world has taught me a lesson to remind me of what else needs to be improved. I am full of gratitude for the people who participated in helping me turn my fate around, and this gratitude will last a lifetime. ”

Of course, Xiao Yao's insistence on high-quality content is still there, but he does not necessarily have to enter the company's operating state immediately, but there is no doubt that this matter still has to be done. "In the past, I had a burden in the face of success or failure, but in my current cognition, there is no difference between success and failure, and I want to do anything, as long as I do it in that direction." 」

Xiao Yao in the crowd

I really like the feeling of the moment

In the eyes of others, Xiao Yao is a proper literary and artistic young man, who has a kind of persistence in his bones, and his curiosity about the world has never been reduced by half a point because of the accumulation of life experience.

He has a clear brain, is energetic, always writes and writes, and even the leaders in the workplace trust him.

Now he works for the company, planning the game script, while continuing to update his public account, while also independently planning a script killing project with friends.

A person who has only 24 hours a day, and who needs to stay up late in retaliation to comfort himself, it is really difficult to understand how his day is spent.

"It's very ordinary, get up at 8 o'clock every day, go to work, leave work, and try not to go to bed at 12 o'clock at night." When you have time, read books and write things. The script kills the project, that is, 2 people take the time to do it. ”

"Now that I am older, I feel that staying up late is very harmful to the body, if I go to bed after 12 o'clock the night before, the next day the state is not very good, but if I can sleep between 10 o'clock and 11 o'clock, the next day I will wake up very transparent and refreshing."

When he has more time, his favorite thing is to leave Beijing and wander around, stay in one place for two days, write and write, and read books.

"Every time I go out, I just know I'm going to a place and then I go straight to that place. The rest of the time is just wandering around, and I'm not interested in other places. ”

In the past two years, he has been to many cities, but the Sun Yat-sen Mausoleum in Nanjing and The Wutai Mountain in Shanxi basically go once a year.

"The natural environment I like, first of all, must be free of dust (not dry), just like Longjing Village in Hangzhou, where there are many tea gardens, and there are nine streams and eighteen streams, there is a small road, the river flows back and forth many times next to it, I especially like that place. When I go there, I rarely catch a sunny day, almost catch up with the rain every time, or in the evening, I feel that those places are very suitable for people to live in, wandering around the stream, washing feet, walking the path of the tea garden, very relaxed, very happy, not a lot of people. ”

"I especially like the kind of road that stretches into the mountains, and there are particularly tall trees on both sides of the road, and the Sun Yat-sen Mausoleum in Nanjing belongs to this kind."

In the future, Xiao Yao wanted to set his home in such a place, but he would not live in one place for a long time.

"If you want to concentrate on creating for a period of time every year, you may go to places like Hangzhou and Lijiang for a while. What a beautiful place, three consecutive months will be annoying, human nature is like this, always eat sweets will be tired. When desires are satisfied, new desires arise. Aesthetic fatigue, we have to change the environment. Xiao Yao said frankly, "It is good to mainly keep your heart in a calm state at all times." ”

Xiao Yao, a child who grew up in an ordinary family, with persistence and persistence, followed the path built word by word, groped into the vast mountains and forests of writing, had waiting and joy, but also had pain and confusion, and now, he is still walking on this road...

Maybe life has never been an easy task, and life with love seems even more difficult, but because of this, his body is full of living power. And we hope that everyone who lives sincerely can enjoy their lives.

This article is written by the creative team

Author | Sunny

Planning | Sunny

Edit | Sunny

*Some of the pictures come from the Internet, please contact us if you have any questions