From:Wu Zhihong(ID:wzhxlx)
Author: Li Xiang
Reprint has been authorized
Recently, the experience of a friend next to me surprised me.
Some time ago, he got an offer from a cattle company, but he gave up without thinking, and still stayed in the small company for several years.
What is even more puzzling is that he seems to have always been like this.
When he graduated from college, even though the interview for a large company had passed, he chose a small company with a general outlook.
Over the years, he often told people that after this year, he would change careers next year.
But it has been stuck in place, no action, and stayed for 8 years.
Why do some people, who obviously have the opportunity to become better, still be reluctant to do so?
This puzzled me.
Until recently, I watched Mindcatcher again and found the answer.
01
Recognize: The benefits of "can't change"
The male protagonist, Will, is a cleaner at MIT, who likes to hang out with friends in bars and fight group fights on weekdays.
One day, Professor Rambo left a mathematical puzzle on the blackboard for the students to try to complete before the end of the semester.
To his surprise, the correct answer came within a few days.
This aroused The Curiosity of Rambo, who decided to come up with a more difficult problem.
Subsequently, he found the figure of the anonymous solver, Will.
It turns out that As a small, Will has a strong memory and logical reasoning ability, and is a rare genius.
But Will doesn't want to expose himself and runs away while swearing.
Later, Will was arrested for assaulting the police.
Rambo promised to bail him, but on two premises:
One is to study mathematics with him; the other is to receive psychological counseling.
In order not to go to jail, Will agreed.
Will's mathematical career went very well, because for him, solving mathematical puzzles was as simple as breathing.
But he very much hates doing psychological counseling, in which he often uses his cleverness to constantly attack the counselor's sore spots, and he is angry with several counselors.
Later, Rambo introduced him to a high-paying job, and he refused without hesitation.
The reason was that he felt that he should stay in the slums with his friends for the rest of his life.
In the eyes of others, this is simply a waste of their talents.
But from a psychological point of view, there is another perspective:
Many people make a certain choice, even if this choice is incomprehensible to others, but for the person concerned, there is also a subjective motivation in it, which is his choice after weighing the pros and cons.
Will grew up alone, wandering to several foster families and being abused.
But now, if he's bullied, friends won't hesitate to stand up for him.
For him, these friends were his greatest sense of security.
And once he accepts the wall Street position, it means that he will face two shocks:
First, spatially, he will stay away from his friends, away from this familiar environment that can give him a sense of security;
Second, psychologically, going to an unfamiliar new environment will stimulate the painful memories of his childhood when he was constantly replaced by a foster family.
So for Will, behind the reluctance to change, there are both benefits: the sense of security given by friends, but also the pain of "abandonment".
In our lives, there are many people like Will.
For example, the friend I mentioned earlier.
In the face of good opportunities, he always refused at the first time.
Because in the larger environment, colleagues have their own strengths, they are no longer concerned, and even challenged and questioned, not as stable as staying in a small environment.
Therefore, many people want to change, but they stay where they are, not necessarily because they are weak and have poor mobility; but because we cannot give up the benefits behind "not changing".
Only when we see and recognize these values and then try to give them up will we have the energy and space to choose new ways.
02
Adventure: The new mode isn't scary
In desperation, Rambo found Shane, a senior psychology professor.
Similarly, at the first meeting, Will pokes Shane in the sore spot and laughs at his wife, who died young.
Shane couldn't help but get angry, but instead of being scared away by Will like the other counselors, he chose to continue counseling him.
During the second consultation, they went to the lake, and Shane said to Will:
You're smart and read a lot of books, but you never experience the real world...
Maybe I can analyze you and define you through theoretical knowledge, but that's not you.
Unless you're willing to talk about yourself, I don't know who you really are.
Hearing this, Will fell into deep thought.
All along, he thought that the outside world was full of bad people.
In order to protect himself from harm, he hid in a closed corner, isolated from emotions, and did not feel the real world outside.
But Shane's tolerance and sincerity made him understand that there would be people who were dissatisfied with his disguised "appearance" and were curious about the real him.
And this also allowed him to see a new model:
Perhaps, the outside world, not all bad people;
Maybe I could try to get out there too.
Meanwhile, Will falls in love with Skyler, a girl from Harvard, who also likes him.
But Will worries that the other party will see his "imperfections" and hate himself.
So he flinched.
In the consulting room, Shane shared his story with Will .
His wife also farts when she sleeps, and one night she not only woke up the family dog, but also woke herself up.
But Shane told his wife that he had let the fart go.
Will listened and couldn't help but laugh.
Shane said his wife had been dead for two years, but the little thing was the thing he missed the most.
Because, "imperfection is a good thing."
Shane's sharing made Will see his truth and made him start thinking:
Everyone has their own imperfect side;
If the two really love each other, then this imperfect side is also worthy of being accepted, right?
So, after the consultation, Will immediately went to Skyler and invited her to a date.
This was the first time in so many years that Will had stepped out of his castle and taken the initiative to connect with others.
To his surprise, he was not rejected or punished.
Because Skyler also liked him.
From Will, we can see:
Change is indeed not easy.
Because by staying where we are, we already know what the benefits are and how to deal with the bad.
Moreover, no one knows what will happen if they make a change.
As a result, we tend to use our brains to imagine a worse situation.
But this kind of mental imagination rarely happens.
So even if we're familiar with the benefits of "not changing," exploring new models of the unknown is still worth a try.
03
Distinction: Things suck, but it's not your fault
Of course, change can't happen overnight, it's a long process.
In the beginning, we tend to take one step and two steps back.
In the process, many people have a deep-seated belief:
Once the change is frustrated, or when the change is not accepted and appreciated by the outside world, it proves that I can't do it.
When Will and Skyler are in love, Skyler proposes that she wants Will to move with her to California.
This caused Will great anger —
On the one hand, this once again aroused his sense of "abandonment";
On the other hand, he felt that Skyler did not understand him at all.
In his opinion, Skyler was a carefree rich lady who could not understand the pain he had suffered.
But in fact, Skyler also has little-known traumas —
His parents died at the age of 13 and became orphans, although he inherited his father's inheritance and had no financial pressure, he was constantly suffering from the pain of missing his parents and extreme loneliness.
After a fierce argument, the two broke up, and Skyler went to California alone.
Will knows he has misunderstood and hurt Skyler, but does not have the courage to apologize and return to that familiar, painful corner.
It wasn't until inside the counseling room that Shane saw Will's police report and really learned about his childhood experiences.
Will pretended to be relaxed and said it didn't matter.
But Shane knew very well that it was an emotional isolation that would help Will shed the thick shell of defense and let him face his inner feelings authentically before he could bring about a real change in Will.
So Shane stared firmly and gently into Will's eyes: "Boy, it's not your fault.
Will: I know.
Shane: It's not your fault.
Will began to panic, but under the defense, he still behaved lightly.
Shane said 4 times in a row:
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault...
Will's defenses were finally broken, and he cried as He held Shane in his arms.
He has always believed that the reason why he has been abandoned and abused repeatedly is because he is not good and does not deserve love.
That was the reason why he repeatedly withdrew in front of Skyler.
But Shane let him know that his childhood was tragic, which is true, but it is not his fault.
A person is hurt, does not mean that he is a sinner, the shadow of childhood, although it is a bad problem, but we can solve it.
The significance of this distinction is:
If a person is bad, then the judgment is final and there is nothing one can do about it;
But if it's just a problem, then people have the opportunity and the ability to solve it.
Only when we know that it's not all our fault and that we're not responsible for past traumas will we be able to unload our burdens and make changes.
At the end of the film, Will accepts his tragic childhood, affirms the value of his existence, and calmly drives to California to find Skyler.
04
Perception: Motivation to get better in the heart
In his 2009 film review of Mindcatcher, Teacher Wu said:
The movie is dramatic, the male protagonist can slowly come out of pain and defense, because he has talent, there are many people who support him, and the reality is that many people are not as good as Will, and it is difficult for ordinary people to meet those noble people in life.
But when I watched the movie again, I found:
The people Will meets may actually be metaphors, representing his inner motivation to become better.
His girlfriend, Skyler, represents Will's inner desire for something beautiful.
The love affair with Skyler is one of the few things That Will actively pursues:
She is frank, inclusive and eager, representing one of the few beauties of this slum.
Sometimes in the face of good things, we may feel inferior and feel that we are not worthy.
But in fact, this feeling is particularly precious.
Adler said that inferiority is the driving force for human progress.
When we perceive this feeling, and are not scared away by it, feel its existence well, and respect its meaning, we will begin to be willing to grow and desire change from the bottom of our hearts.
Rambo, a professor of mathematics, represents Will's potential.
If a person has potential, the world is not willing to watch it wasted.
If Will had been willing to be mediocre, he wouldn't have done that math problem in the first place.
It is precisely because he is unwilling in his heart that he unconsciously wants to show strength in the wider world.
That's why many geniuses in history have created amazing masterpieces at the lowest of moments.
This awareness of potential, the unwillingness to accept the status quo, is another motivation for people to change.
Shane, a counselor, represents Will's inner patience and acceptance.
For Will, who has severe psychological trauma, it is impossible to change immediately, and patience and acceptance are particularly important forces.
Shane never agreed with Rambo's excessive expectations of Will, always saying "Will wasn't ready".
During the treatment, Shane has always attached great importance to waiting—the process of waiting is anxious, but it is also inevitable.
Today he is no longer self-defensive, which is a good thing;
Tomorrow he will start participating in counseling, which is a good thing;
The day after tomorrow he began to accept some new challenges and contact new people, which is a good thing...
The meaning of acceptance is:
A person knows that every step is meaningful,
Even if you can't make a change today, it's more powerful than yesterday.
The growth of all life is difficult.
Therefore, we must explore the motivation that supports you and find the "genius" of you again.