I strive to be happy, dear husband, can you see the heavens?

Dictation: Li Xuefeng Finishing: Danyan Editor: Li Jin Produced: Marriage and Family Magazine ID: hunyinyujiating99

01

Unforgettable, ten years of life and death are two unknowns

Late at night, I crouched down on the table, brushing the brush over the paper. Half of the moon is broken, as miserable as promised. The moonlight shone faintly through the window, shining on the large double bed, white, like a layer of fine sea sand—the same place where we slept.

Ten years of life and death are uncertain. It's been 19 years since I left, my dear, are you okay in heaven?

On the night of August 27, 2003, I will never forget that day. On that day, the same evening shift. For dinner, I made my father and son's favorite shredded potatoes, and a plate of fried hairy fish.

But the small fish that is about inches long, I catch every one of them and spit out the thorns, and joke with me: like a kitten. The more he said it, the more I threw up. Tong smiled and shook his head.

Later, when he was full, he stood up, and as usual, kissed me and his son Wei Wei and told him to listen to his mother. Wei Wei and I escorted him outside the door, and he was wearing sports shorts and slowly drifting away.

In the early morning, the same unit called and said that something had happened to the same unit. The son said, "Mom, why haven't I slept this night?" I chuckled in my heart, calmed Wei Wei, and hurried to the same unit.

He also had a sudden illness during the night shift, and when his colleague found him on the bed in the duty room in the morning, his body was already cold. That year, my son was 12 years old, I was 34 years old, and my sky was falling.

The sudden death of the same crushed me at once. I didn't go downstairs for two whole years. My mother moved over and took care of me and Wei Wei at every step. My brothers and sisters were afraid that I would be sad and would come to stay with us on weekends. During the day, it is fine, I am most afraid of going into the night, the vacancy in my heart, ah, how to fill it?

Old things in the house, even a tweed coat, will bring back memories to me.

That year, Tong's hair grew, insisting on asking me to help him get a haircut, my craftsmanship was not good, I messed up a bit, and the next day, Tong actually went to work with a strange hairstyle. Colleagues laughed and looked at him like a rare animal, saying his hair was chewed by a dog.

He came back and learned to listen to me while holding me on the bed and laughing and rolling. I was shy and angry, "I don't think I have good craftsmanship, why do you want me to get a haircut!" Like a child who has done something wrong, he whispers, "I want to save money and buy you a tweed coat." ”

The same sometimes comes to my dreams and looks at me silently. I wonder why I was so good to me in the first place? Now leave me behind again, so cruel. Without answering, I woke up crying.

02

Cold to the bone, chanting green plum characters fragrant

Some people say that we are not in love, and the departure of the same is too sudden, I think it is difficult for me to get out.

Until one day, I looked at the last gift he gave me before he died: "The Complete Collection of Tang Poems and Song Poems and Yuanqu", which contained a yellowed note, which was written to me by my teacher when I was in junior high school, and somehow was sandwiched here: Snow Peak, the creek was full of confidence, and ran firmly to the sea; Qingsong was full of confidence, and held up in the wind and snow; you had to be full of confidence and let the difficulties gradually give way. Maybe it was providence, this passage woke me up like an empowerment, the same is gone, the son is still there, this family is still there, the days will always go on.

In the past two years, I have spent my mother's pension savings like a moth, and going out is the first thing I have to do. I went back to the textile factory where I used to work, but the factory has not been paid for 8 months. When I was desperate, the same unit accepted me and arranged a job cleaning the office building for me.

I cherish it, every day less than 8 o'clock to start cleaning, 6 floors, even the toilet with stairs, careful cleaning again takes more than 3 hours. Although he was very busy and tired, I still couldn't help but think about him, this is the place where he stayed before he was born, when he wiped the floor, I always thought, this step, has he ever walked? Every footstep passing by me made me can't help but look up...

In order not to let myself think of him, I thought of a stupid way to memorize poems. I forced myself to memorize a poem every day. Every day before going to work, I use a pen to copy it in my hand, and as I clean, I memorize poems. I waved the mop and wiped it over from this side, took off my gloves, looked at it, read it again, and wiped it again. After a trip to hygiene, the poem was firmly remembered in the brain, and the palms of the hands were also soaked with sweat and became a dark mess. The little lounge became my world, and I silently wrote down the poems with a brush and hung them on the wall. The method of memorizing poems worked, my heart was much calmer, and the amount of poems increased by leaps and bounds.

I grew up loving literature. After I left, I hadn't picked up a pen in a long time. Once upon a time, the same was my only reader. With his encouragement, my first literary work, The Green Years, was published. I was still happy, he hugged me several times in a row, kissed me, "Cher, you are awesome!" I exaggerated and yelled and begged him to put me down. Since then, every time he publishes a work, he will hold me and spin me several times.

Since then, I have begun to pick up a pen again, I write "Half of the Moon", I write "Dear Xiao Tong", it is me and him, these words dipped in blood and tears, published in "Zoucheng Literature". On the day I received the sample, I read the article word for word to the same person.

Wei Wei said: "Mom, you are really good, Dad must be very happy to hear it!" "I am vaguely relieved in my heart, yes, I must be happy for me in heaven."

Wei Wei became more and more sensible, and he wrote a note and hung it on the wall, "Mom, after 10 years, I will definitely let you live a good life." I said, "Rest assured, our mother and son will live well." ”

03

Racing, tomorrow is still proud of the snow and wind

I no longer deliberately forget or miss the same, I write the praises of life", "a leaf boat, filled with poetry, carrying me and dreams, sailing to the distance"; I write the story of me and the same, but no longer desperate," the painful torment, so that I jumped out of the raging fire, toward the blue sea, desperately rushing, to meet me is the slowly rising dawn. ”

I carry paper and pencil with me at all times, and sometimes when inspiration comes, I quickly write down the sentences. Once, I was writing poetry by a small river, and when I left, the book where I wrote the poem was left there, and it was already the middle of the night when I found out. I wanted to look for it again at dawn, but I couldn't stand it, so I ran to the river with a flashlight one foot deep and one foot shallow, and thankfully, it was still there.

I wrote several poems, and with the encouragement of my teachers, I began to organize them. In October 2010, my first book of poems, Ice plum rhymes, was published. Without a cold bone, how to get plum blossoms. At that moment, I was particularly relieved, like I had given birth to a healthy little doll, which was the blood of my and my colleagues.

In the following years, I successively published "Deer Sing wasteland", "Lingquan Flying Snow", and "Moon And Bright Canghai". I became a member and director of the Zoucheng Writers Association, a member of the Jining Essay Society, and the China Coal Writers Association also threw an olive branch to me. The media started interviewing me, saying I was a "cleaning" poet, and I was on TV. At the end of June 2018, I also had the honor to participate in the first writers' advanced research class of Lu Xun Literature Institute.

Wei Wei graduated from college, became a doctor, filial piety and understanding, and often came back to see me on weekends. The smile on my face grew, and it was poetry that doubled my happiness. All this, I think, must be seen in heaven.

I filled in a poem called "Heavenly Immortals", "The moon in the sky is cold and miserable, the horses are hissing and dreaming, and the pacing houses are sighing." Smoke locks, melancholy, pushing doors around the steps waddling shadows. The nest is not in the bird tree, and there are many tear marks of acacia. Hand caressing the plum blossom sighed and whispered to himself: Competing for the crowd, tomorrow is still proud of the snow and wind. "My name is implicitly embedded in the poem, and I want to tell the same thing, in the days when you were away, I learned to be strong and not afraid of anything.

Someone advised me to forget the same and take another step, and I smiled and refused. Once the sea was shipwrecked, I was not stubborn enough not to forget him, but I was satisfied with my current state. Two happy people may not be able to accompany each other to old age, in my life journey and the same, the same get off the train early, and I will take the same part, still firmly to the happy terminal.

One silent night, I had a dream, and I came with the same leap, the dashing gesture, as before. Ecstatic to me, I sat on his lap and snuggled up next to him.

It seems that many years ago, in Yishan Mountain, we were tired of climbing, resting on a mountain rock, the breeze was gentle, and the waves were loose.

He closed his eyes and recited the poem of the Hungarian poet Petofi, I would like to be a torrent, as long as the person I love, is a small fish, swimming happily in my waves...

"With?" I gently interrupted him.

"Hmm." He also gently responded to me.

"I'm doing well."

"I know."