Shattered dream of a prestigious school| xuetong radio station

"All the careful thinking of middle school students may be here."

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2022.3.20— There will always be light

1

In 2016, I had just finished a year of junior high school in my hometown in Jiangsu Province, and then I transferred to an international school in Beijing. I was just over 13 years old and didn't know. The day I first arrived in Beijing, I dragged my big suitcase and moved into an old apartment. No lift, no lights. The old building is dark gray and has a layout like a round village, but the middle is covered with intricate barbed wire and spider webs.

"There's a cat here, you'll love it." Mom said before I came. But I've never seen that cat, and it's different from what I thought it would be.

My mother bowed her head and said to me, "Daughter, let's work together, okay?" "I didn't say a word, thinking to myself: I came here to get out of here and go to a better place.

2

One night in grade 7, a friend who was also a gifted student asked me, "Which university do you want to go to?" I whispered, "I didn't think about it, but if you want to rank high, you can make more money later." What about you? ”

"I was a little hesitant, but it couldn't be worse than the seniors who were pasted on the wall by the school, and I most wanted to go to MIT to study computers," she said. ”

"She's so good, now she has a good idea of what to learn and where to go." I also want to have my own ideals. "I thought to myself.

My idea was that in the near future, I would be able to escape Beijing and my current environment, I would be able to work with higher-level people, I could see castle-like buildings and sunsets, or the glow of modern buildings after dusk. I like the way I stand on the stage and I want to buy my own house. I thought a lot about the life I wanted. But in fact, none of this is so important, the most important thing is that I don't want my mother to be disappointed, I want to live like her proud, she likes it.

The truth is, I do study hard. When I was in junior high school, I got up at 6 o'clock every morning, washed up, went to the class to read, and slept at 23:30 every night. I've also always been adamant that I'm going to be like other gifted students.

"I'm definitely going to be in the top 30 in the U.S., or the top 10 in the U.K., and the teachers say so." At least until 9th grade, I thought so.

3

Until one day, my mother told me that she had not been able to reach the financial capacity to support me for 200,000 a year as expected. She said this: "Daughter, let's go study art and take the entrance examination to the Attached Middle School of the Central Academy of Fine Arts." ”

For the first time I felt that money was so important.

4

When choosing a study abroad direction, we disagreed. Mom began looking up university rankings in small countries other than the United Kingdom and the United States. She always repeated: "So-and-so country is a very civilized country, they are all of high quality, and many technologies are leading." She said over and over again, every weekend, every time we ate together.

At one point I really didn't want to hear it, and I didn't want what I was afraid of to become a reality. I said, "Why don't you let me go to the US and the UK, not even Australia?!" Am I saying something that you don't think is okay? She raised her voice: "I just want to ask you, did you say to go east, you have to go west." Do you know how much I've considered? How many people do I ask? ”

I didn't speak. After a while, the mother's momentum just weakened: "We don't have that much money, this is our only choice?" ”

I turned and went out the door, carefully whispering to the door.

The weather was particularly good that day, the sun was hazy through the leaves on the plate oil road, the trees were rustling with the wind, but my heart was more like the constant sound of cicadas. For a time, many feelings came to my heart, unwilling, painful, helpless, angry. I complain that I was not born into a wealthy family, I complain that my mother did not do what she said, I complain that no one ever picked me up from school, I complain that I always eat alone, I complain about why everyone else can and I can't, I complain about the world why, why, so unfair.

But what do I have to complain about? Some people are far less fortunate than I am, and some people are not clothed and hungry. There are also people who live in the dark. Having said that, man is a contradiction. When things happen to you, you can realize how much contradiction there will be in your heart.

5

The change in the direction of studying abroad has also changed me. The sudden outbreak of the epidemic and the shattered ideals overwhelmed me. I have a reluctance in my heart, and I can't see the road ahead.

Once in an international exam, I didn't do as well as my classmates who usually slept in class. I don't dare to look at people anymore and don't want to say anything. The thought that everyone might look at me like a clown made me feel like I was on my back. The class teacher, Mr. Yin, called me into the office and said something to me, but the words that impressed me the most were: "Life is not satisfactory." You see the smoothness of others, who will know the suffering behind others? ”

I stopped crying, looked for reasons, and I got an A in the next exam. Although it is not the first and second, I have not attended any extracurricular classes, no New Oriental, and I have not asked for help from anyone. Inexplicably, I couldn't get up, in the basement I rented later, I watched the shadows of the trees swaying outside the wire mesh over and over again, my heart was empty, I really couldn't find the direction of the future.

6

"Teacher, I think I need to talk to you." I said this to the psychology teacher. "Don't be afraid, it's okay to be confused." The teacher said.

I gradually accepted. I never mentioned it again, I want to study in the Uk and the United States, but when I watch my classmates get offers from Cambridge University, New York University, and the University of Hong Kong, my heart is always complicated. Put down your phone and look at what you need to do, you need a proofreading of a file cover. When I was alone, there was a lot of uneasiness and nowhere to put it, and my soul asked me, and I couldn't answer.

I remembered what an uncle said to me: "Maybe, this is the best arrangement?" All the experiences of life are treasures. ”

"Then face it aggressively." I thought to myself.

Tonight is small talk

What dreams have you had that have been shattered by reality?

Anchor / M classmate

Singer / Zhang Yuhan

Written by / Sparrow-rook

Editor / DJ Jun & DJ Month