A lot of people hate the phrase, "I'm doing this for your own good." ”
There are too many people in life who like to persuade you to do something you don't want to do under the banner of "good for you", or even make some arrangements without authorization. Their identities may be parents, elders, friends, lovers.
The reason for "being good for you" sounds good, but behind it is a person's desire to control.
Today I will introduce you to a book called "Don't Control Me with Love", a series of four volumes, which analyzes control behavior in detail and introduces how to recognize and understand control behavior, and how to get out of control relationship.
01
Controllers tend to pretend to know you well
The most obvious form of control is interfering with the choices of others. People with a strong desire to control will insist on their opinions, even when it comes to inconsequential matters.
The American writer Patrice Evans tells a story in Don't Control Me with Love:
A mother took her seven-year-old daughter to a café, and the two stood at the ice cream counter. The mother asked her daughter what kind of ice cream she wanted, and the daughter said that she wanted vanilla flavor, but the mother said, "I know you love chocolate." The daughter still insisted on vanilla flavor, and the two argued, and finally the mother said, "You are really strange enough." ”
The mother is very sure that she knows what her daughter likes, but she is not willing to accept her daughter's real thoughts; and the daughter will feel that her choice is wrong, and her true ideas are not accepted by her mother.
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Controllers see the controlled as a part of themselves, so they think they know each other very well and think that they should meet all their requirements. For example, controlling parents often say to their children, "I'm your mom, so you should listen to me"; a controlling partner might say, "I don't know you, who else knows you?" "It's actually all a manifestation of the tendency to control.
02
It is not only freedom that controls deprivation
It's more self-esteem
If others repeatedly interfere with our choices, we will naturally feel "very uncomfortable", and the impact of long-term control behavior is much more serious than this.
In order to make it easier for the controlled to control, the controller often uses verbal abuse to constantly belittle and attack the other party. In this way, they hope to make the other person self-doubt, think that they are really bad, and thus become more controlled.
Therefore, the main harm of control is that the controlled party will repeatedly feel that their feelings and values are denied. In a long-term control relationship, the controlled person will become accustomed to this abuse and gradually believe that he is really bad.
Control is particularly harmful to children. In the process of growing up, children need to use the outside world to know themselves and understand their own inner experiences, so as to establish a clear self-knowledge. However, if a child is in a controlling relationship from an early age, he will repeatedly feel that his true thoughts and feelings are denied, and then define himself and know himself according to the evaluation of others, a process called "reverse self-creation" in psychology. Children who grow up this way often believe that they are really as bad as the controllers say they are, and that they don't know how they really feel or what kind of person they are.
03
Controlling behavior is often in the name of love
In the eyes of the controlled, the controller is very strong and terrible; but in fact, the controller's heart is very fragile, so they need to repeatedly use the control behavior to eliminate their feelings of loss of control and panic.
Evans, author of "Don't Control Me with Love," argues that there is an imaginary person in the controller's mind who, when he or she shapes the dummy according to his own wishes, can feel a sense of security; they use this way to avoid their true feelings and overcome their separation anxiety.
Separation anxiety originally refers to an emotional experience that occurs when a young child leaves its mother, but in fact, separation anxiety can also occur between parents and their children or lovers. So, the act of control often manifests itself as a suffocating love: I want to control you because I care too much about you and I can't live without you.
In order to get rid of control, the controlled person often tries to prove his ability, but this may anger the controller and further deteriorate the relationship, because the controller is most afraid of the controlled person's independence, and independence means the disappearance of the control relationship.
For example, in order to make the mother stop interfering with herself, a child says to the mother, "I can find a good job myself, you don't help me arrange it"; he thinks that this will reassure the mother, but in fact, the mother is usually more afraid, thinking that the child is about to be out of control, and she may want to control the child further.
04
How to get rid of the control relationship?
What if you feel like you might be under the control of someone else and want to change that?
If the controller is your partner, you can offer to end the relationship; if the controller is your parent, then you may need to spend more time and effort to minimize the impact of control on yourself. Of course, if the controller is also aware that his behavior is inappropriate and is willing to improve the relationship, then you can go to psychological counseling together.
For the controlled person, the first step to change is to correctly understand their own feelings and respect their own feelings.
Don't accept the controller's evaluation, believe that you are not what they say you are. For example, when the controller says you can't do anything well, you can try to think: Is there anything you're good at? How did your friends praise you?
You don't have to talk to the controller theory (you can't win them anyway), the main purpose of thinking this is to get you back to your worth, to believe that you are not as bad as ta says, and if you can, retort: "You can't say that about me." ”
Of course, if you have been evaluated like this for a long time, the process may be more difficult for you, and you will need to spend more time learning to correctly recognize yourself and respect your feelings.
Once you've built your confidence, you can focus on self-growth and establish your own personal space, reducing the impact of controlling relationships on you.
You can focus on the things you love, connect more and support your friends and relatives, and build your own social support system. If the controller often asks you for money, or takes up too much of your time, be brave enough to refuse.
Finally, if the controller has a violent tendency, or even has been violent, then in the process of trying to get rid of control, remember to protect your personal safety.
Hopefully, you'll be able to get rid of those "good for you" arrangements and live a more freewheeling life.
As the article said, "The first step to change is to correctly understand your own feelings and respect your own feelings." ”
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