You broke up with your ex and now you regret it. Maybe you think the breakup is too sloppy and you should try harder.
It's not a good idea to go after your ex right now, but there are a few things you can do if you want to eventually get back together with them.
So, here's a complete guide on how to get back together with your ex.
1) Accept the fact of the breakup
The days after the breakup will be full of turmoil. No matter how hard you try to keep yourself busy, or what you do, you just can't take your attention off the breakup.
This is the first step in reuniting with the ex, and it is also an inevitable step.
For some, this phase may last for a few weeks, while for others it may even last for years. It's not something you can rush into, but if you're not careful, you can also linger too long.
So how do you help yourself?
Let it settle down
The first step, and the one you have to repeat over and over again, is acceptance. Even if you end the relationship, the thought of breaking up can feel unreal.
You've poured so much effort into them, if you've been together for years and are used to each other's presence.
This may tempt you to turn around and leave, thinking that this may be just a temporary break and that you will soon be back together. But don't do that, you're only hurting yourself by doing so.
Instead, face the fact of the breakup. They've disappeared from your life and there's a chance you'll never see them again.
Appropriate grief
If the breakup makes you want to cry, go cry. If it makes you want to yell, shout. Let it all vent!
It can hurt, but it's good for you in the long run. Trust me – in the long run, holding on to lies and false hopes will only hurt you more, even if you end up together.
Like mentioned at the beginning, acceptance is something you have to constantly struggle with in your life. Eventually, it will become easier to handle, but the damage will persist.
Give yourself a breath
Another thing you have to do at this stage is to give yourself time to breathe. Try to make a no-touch rule for the first month after you break up, and then try to see if you need to give the other person a little more time afterwards.
If any of you are visibly angry about this, and maybe in a few months you'll see them posting snarky remarks about you on social media, then you need to give yourself a little more time.
If you don't leave some space between the two of you, you'll only make each other angry while you're both still hurting. The problems that led you to break up will haunt you until your resentment starts to build up.
If any one of you were an abuser, the abuser might never learn from their mistakes, while the other would lose more and more of themselves until they were completely dependent on the abuser.
Eventually, you may hate each other so much that the chances of you getting back together are almost zero.
And that's the last thing you want to see.
2) Seek growth and reflection
The stage after acceptance and rest is growth. When you learn to love yourself again, you can begin to reflect on your relationship with a stable mindset.
When you struggle with a breakup, you wonder if your choices were right or if you did something wrong.
These thoughts can make you unbearable at first, and you'll even blame yourself for something you can't control. But as you begin to accept your situation, it becomes easier and easier to think about these questions correctly.
Reflect on your past
It's important that you take the time to think about why your relationship broke down. Whether you like it or not, there's no single reason.
For example, maybe they broke up with you because they thought you were too clingy. On the other hand, you're too clingy because they're not reliable enough, and if you let them out of your sight, you'll lose them.
In this case, both of you need to learn how to do better. On your side, you need to learn how to trust your partner more and stop yourself when you start to get clingy. On the other hand, for you and them, they need to learn how to become more reliable.
Of course, you can't change them, and at this point, you shouldn't try. You broke up and you have no right to tell them how to live. However, you can change yourself.
And that's exactly what you have to do. Try to learn from your relationship to make yourself a better person – for them, for your next partner, but ultimately for yourself.
Imagine your future
Do you think the two of you will be together for a long time?
After you've reflected on your relationship and the mistakes you both have made in the relationship, you should think about what your goals are.
Do you still think it's still possible for you to have a healthy and loving relationship together? If you've flipped through their social media, do they feel the same way about you?
Remember, just because you care about each other doesn't necessarily mean you'll be fine together. Some people get married only to find out that they would be better off as best friends and roommates. So they divorced and continued to live under the same roof.
And even more importantly, do you think you're going to be a good fit for each other? Not just as a partner, but even as a friend.
For example, if your reflection makes you realize that they are a partner with abusive tendencies, you may prefer to be cautious and stay away from them.
3) Extend an olive branch
The next phase involves engaging with them.
It's important that when you do, both of you have really come out of what happened in the past.
If either of you is still agonizing over your breakup, don't do it. The idea is that the two of you should build some new relationship together instead of continuing your old one, and if either of you still doesn't forget the other, then the temptation to continue where you left off will continue.
Worse still, when a person is clearly struggling with hurt, it can make things very awkward.
Learn about their lives
The last thing you want is to break in without being prepared, or to think wildly about old assumptions. So before you reach out to them, try to understand their current situation.
Look at them on social media and pay attention to what they say. Have they found a new girlfriend or boyfriend? They just got a new job? Have they moved abroad? Are they busy?
Maybe you don't always like what you might find, but you'd better know so you can adjust your approach and expectations appropriately instead of allowing yourself to be a clown or crossing the boundaries of your ex.
For example, if they've found a new lover, you might want to stifle any hope you might have to get them back. If their beliefs have changed dramatically, it would be very rude to talk to them as if nothing had changed.
Approach them as friends
Whether or not they have found a new lover (in this article, we assume they are still single), it is important that when you approach them again, it is because you want to be their friend.
Relationships are built on friendship, and if you don't see a guy as a close friend, you can't really love him. "Love" without any friendship is at best a crush. In the worst case, it's just pure desire.
So, you should focus on reacquainting yourself with them first. Build new, strong friendships with them. As difficult as it is, you have to do it without the intention of compounding with them.
This doesn't seem like it should make sense. After all, this post is about getting back together with your ex, right?
This is also true. However, you should still try to get this idea out of your mind as much as possible. Making friends with people with ulterior motives can wipe out the sincerity of that friendship.
Of course, they may also reject you. Maybe they just don't want to get back together with you, or maybe they're with someone who is possessive and jealous. If this happens, there is nothing you can do but accept it.
4) Lay a good foundation
The next stage in your relationship is when the two of you strengthen your relationship together. You now have channels of communication, but you are still vulnerable, and you are still somewhat distant from each other.
It is at this stage that your efforts for personal growth will begin to pay off. When trying to be their friend again, they'll see how much you've changed and gotten better since then.
Have your own growth
If you're doing everything well, then by this time, you'll be aware of and more or less handle the issues that led you to break up. Or at least the part you're responsible for.
For example, you may not be able to keep a job — they used to complain about it — but after a breakup, you can move on to a job you love or even start your own small company.
Or you may have been grumpy and unwilling to compromise in the past, but now you've become much calmer and willing to negotiate. Maybe even less self-centered!
Your ex may just linger around you and notice these changes and be surprised that you've changed so much. Show them that it's not a behavior that makes them think you've changed, that it's sincere, and that they might be interested in you again.
Keep an eye on them
But of course, you're not the only one who's been through life's journey, and it's not fair if you only care if they notice you or not. If that's all you have in mind, you need to reflect on it.
You should also keep an eye on them. Try to understand who they are now and what kind of struggles they are experiencing. Acknowledge them.
For example, maybe they were grumpy back then. Now, looking at them, you can see that they are still a little eccentric and grumpy, but noticeably less. From scary to cute.
This effort is highly commendable and worthy of recognition. Not only will it make them feel good about themselves, but it will also make them feel like you know them better because you've witnessed them grow into a different person.
5) Rebuild bridges
Once you're able to have a half-regular conversation with ease, you can start rebuilding bridges of communication. This is the next stage of your new relationship.
Until then, you may be talking in the office from time to time, or on social media. Now is the time for you to start moving forward.
Hang out with friends
It's important to be with other people. In the beginning, you should avoid hanging out alone – after all, you're still trying to rebuild your relationship from scratch – so try to find time to hang out with other people.
For example, you might want to spend the night at a friend's house, watch a movie, or play poker all night.
Getting other people involved makes things less awkward, serious, and "personal." And this helps you focus on building your friendship first.
If you start doing one-on-one dating too early, you may find it hard to resist the idea of being in a relationship with them, and they will start to feel uncomfortable. This may be the reason why they are reluctant to hang out with you anymore.
So go ahead and ask your friends for help. It sounds sneaky, maybe it is, but be sure to have them invite both of you at the party.
Immerse yourself in interest together
You'll also want to indulge in your common interests, or look at them. It depends on what your interests are, and you don't even need to be together.
For example, if they particularly enjoy reading, you can ask them to recommend it to you, and then try reading the book they recommend. If you like what they share, then share their passion, they'll be happy.
Another example is playing games together, both online and face-to-face.
Importantly, you can get to know them through your interests. It's not a very serious thing, but it can make both of you feel positive, even as friends.
6) Make a new beginning
Now that you're free to be like friends again, you should try to discuss how you feel about each other.
If you've been following them, you may find out if they're interested in you too. Maybe they'll hint at you everywhere, hoping you'll notice and take the initiative.
Either way, you have to know.
Make your first appointment
Even if you've been breaking up for a while, dating can still be a bit awkward. But what would be the worst outcome? They've broken up with you before, so rejection doesn't count.
If they say yes, remind yourself that they agree to do so and that you are working towards a new beginning.
Try to avoid thinking about your past together – unless it's a beautiful piece – and enjoy the present. The point is, treat your first date after getting back together as a real first date, not a 66th date.
You guys are brand new people, so you should avoid letting past expectations or habits guide your reactions and feelings.
Your relationship may even be different from the past – for example, they may be the confident party now, whereas in the past it was the opposite.
Accept each other's concerns and doubts
Even if you've been with the other person for a while, you should be prepared that either of you has the potential to struggle for your past together.
For example, if you've hurt them in the past, they may fear you'll hurt you again, even though they know you've done your best to make yourself better.
Similarly, if they have broken your trust in the past, you may suddenly be afraid that they will undermine your trust again.
It's perfectly normal to feel these doubts and fears, and it's best if you try to tell each other rather than try to hide them. If they express fear that you will hurt them again, don't feel exposed, but reassure them that you are trying to do better.
If you pretend these problems don't exist, it's likely that resentment will build up in your relationship and eventually cause your relationship to break down. It's tolerable if this happens while you're still dating, but it's devastating if it happens when you're already married and have three kids.
7) Grasp the future together
So let's assume that if you're already at this step, you're now with your ex. Congratulations! Now it's time to do the real work.
Just because you're together again, doesn't mean you can relax. There is no such thing as "living a happy life from now on." Happiness does exist, but it will only continue to exist as you continue to work hard.
Come to think of it, it's like fitness. If you adhere to a strict diet and exercise routine, you will have a healthy body. But when you start slacking off, your muscles will atrophy.
So keep in mind everything you've learned from being in love. Do your best to avoid going back to old habits because you might lose them again – really, this time.
So, go enjoy your second chance. If you reconcile with your ex, there's a good chance they're your true destiny. So don't be complacent. For the sake of both of you, be the best version of yourself.
epilogue
This guide is probably the healthiest way to get back together after a breakup – it focuses on compound growth, respect, and true healing.
Make sure you don't skip any of the steps, especially one about friendship. It will lay a new foundation for your new relationship.
If you truly believe they are your only one, it's definitely worth it. And if in the end they reject you, then you have become a mature person who has the ability to love, and this fact will make you feel relieved. It's a good feeling to fight for what we want, but it's also done with true grace and dignity.
Like what you just read? I want to know what you think about it. So, leave a message in the comments section. In addition, remember to search for Fei on WeChat to talk about emotions, pay attention to Fei'er, Fei'er guarantees that Fei'er will become the lucky charm of your beautiful love life.