Insecure, what to do?

This article is from the WeChat public account: Wang Zhiyuan (ID: Z201440), author: Wang Zhiyuan, the head image from: pexels

There are two kinds of human security in the final analysis:

substance

affection

It is the inner appeal of most people, but it is actually a "false proposition".

For example, if it may come from the income from a stable job, the dependence of a certain relationship investment on each other, or the "state of being busy and not thinking about anything", do you know what all this means?

Stable work means the same, to get this "stability" but lose the freedom to love adventure, and turn yourself into a day-to-day robot.

For feelings, you will find that people will grow and change, and no one can guarantee that an emotion will always remain with you.

Do you feel safe when you are busy? It may be a way of avoiding a state of the self; thus, true security is nothing more than the security circle in which it has been living in "material" and "emotional", and it represents a kind of "certainty and non-certainty".

In an interview with Zhang Yiming in Caijing, he said: "I used to dislike "uncertainty" in particular, which had a lot to do with my birth as a programmer, because the program was "determined".

But in fact, the founder is the bearer of anxiety, making decisions in uncertainty every day, and later Zhang Yiming realized that life was originally a "power law distribution".

Maybe other people's feelings, you have no waves in your heart, but at least you can grasp your own certainty.

So what exactly exists between "uncertainty and certainty" that makes the mind always have a wandering state? It comes from a word called "grayscale space."

First, grayscale control

Straight to the point, what is grayscale space?

The development of all things in the world, the characteristics of each person are not black and white, it is a certain state between black and white, at any time in the round, chaotic, impermanent, white in the black, black at any time the possibility of white.

For example, Westerners always make a clear distinction between right and wrong when dealing with quarrels, while Chinese quarrels do not put right and wrong first.

For example, two brothers quarrel, even if the "right and wrong" is clear and the result is won, but there will be a gap in feelings, then what is the point?

For example, if you draw a clear line between objects, you may become the legendary "single dog".

Or when the company does strategy, a clear direction is never thought out at the first pat of the head; it is to stand out from the grayscale space in the chaos, the direction is changing with time and space, not from the beginning, not clear from the beginning, not to each other.

Therefore, true to false is also true, false to true when false is also true; true and false, can be transformed at any time, right is often wrong, wrong is often right, the uncertainty in the middle is "grayscale".

So what does it mean to put it in a sense of security?

To know that human instinct is to do the greatest "control", to pay action to pursue security is to get "certainty of the future"; but often the process will be accompanied by countless struggles, perhaps you toss for a long time and finally get the answer is not "what you want", why?

We execute in control, and most people wear colored glasses to blend "emotions", "right and wrong" and "desire", thus creating deviations.

Further, the formation of the foundation of the habitual thinking behind this is mainly divided into two categories: 1) emotional safety and 2) controlling safety.

Let's start with the former:

What is Emotional Safety? Psychology calls it:

The emotional state achieved by each person in the relationship is open and vulnerable (Catherall, 2007).

It means that you are in a relaxed state when you are with another person, and you can share your feelings with your peers without fear and show the real me. Whether sad, lustful or angry, even if there is a disagreement about any problem, it will be honest and honest, and even if you do not agree with each other's views, you will respect each other.

And the underlying makeup of all of this comes from two aspects: attachment and self-esteem.

Originally mainly in the "mother's arms" to develop, why some children weaning can be completed at 8 months to 1 year old, some need 2 years, although the baby does not understand, but this indirect reinforcement will become the "basic desire to control".

Babies can get "feedback" as soon as they make trouble, which is actually attachment; as time lengthens the child's entry into school, it begins to shape and improve self-esteem in four aspects: "self-competence, cognitive orientation, emotional orientation, and self-connotation structural orientation".

For example, when they were children, well-off families had a kind of "good conditions in my family" in educating their children, and they bought what they wanted to eat; on the surface, it seemed to provide a superior environment for children, but in the eyes of children, it was actually another kind of psychological reinforcement.

Or why do children with poor family conditions "get angry and try to be strong", and when they grow up, there is a certain probability that they will break out? It stems from being stimulated from childhood to "work hard to have a chance".

Further, self-esteem is very important for emotional safety, on the one hand, from our own perception of ourselves; on the other hand, from the other person's perception of us; and then ultimately to achieve "self-assessment" in this dimension.

If you have a low evaluation of yourself, it is difficult to obtain emotional safety, and it is difficult to open your heart to get along with people.

And even if we feel good, the other side of the relationship in the later stage seems to have a low self-evaluation, such as "his family conditions are not good, don't play with him", "he is a single parent", etc., which will also affect people's emotional safety.

Therefore, in front of people who know that the other party has a good opinion of themselves, we will feel emotionally safe, which comes from what the friends we are around are like.

In front of people who know that they have a low evaluation of themselves, it is easy for us to feel "emotionally insecure" and then have a feeling of self-protection.

Because the family conditions and the perfection of the educational infrastructure in each place are different, people will deviate here, and it will be easy to be missing in the emotional sense in the later stage, resulting in a "controlled safety" psychology, which is also a normal situation.

And then the latter:

What is controlled security? When external relationships cannot be relied upon, we can only rely on our own abilities to achieve inner satisfaction.

For example, asking oneself to make everything clear, asking to control others to obey and do it, requiring oneself to be useful to others, the core reason for all this is "the inability to trust and rely on the relationship."

Most of the relationships you see between men and women are built to build a sense of security, accustomed to knowing each other's whereabouts, what they are doing, etc.

Further, control is the amplification of "inner fear"; of course, this is not a bad thing; when fear arises, people are accustomed to defense, and may achieve great success in the process, and through external environmental stimulation may become very good people.

However, you know, its negative effect is also very large, the inner instability is very likely to "erupt at any time", I call this type of person "high-function patient", belongs to the external strong middle trunk inner very fragile.

In order to control something even when resting, it is very sensitive and tight, although fear promotes a bunch of external achievements, from the perspective of mentality, it still has not tamed the "hidden tiger" in the heart, and it is still a scared child in essence.

In addition, there are many people who do not have the ability of high-functioning patients, which directly affects the ability to adapt to the environment, which in turn causes energy consumption and puts the orientation in the wrong place.

For example, you can always see a few "slime" people at work, chewing their tongues and stepping on their heels, because they are afraid that things are beyond their own scope, so that they can't face the scene and get out of control, and when things are unexpected, they fall into a state of fear.

So does this desire for control really give us a sense of security? Not necessarily. At certain moments, we will be briefly in control of our own destiny, seemingly safe, and when the time is extended, this security seems vulnerable.

In turn, emotional safety and controlling safety are human nature.

The former is constantly making itself better and able to fit in with the outside world in the collision with the outside world; the latter's control stems from the lack of "love" in the heart, and enriches the inner wealth through the desire to dominate.

So the biggest bug of both is looking for "certainty"; is it necessarily right to look for certainty? Not necessarily.

The reason is that except for items (money), everything else around us is dynamic, we can't absolutely control, we can only maximize value (benefit, game) in the grayscale space when it is carried out.

So it's unstable and dangerous to pin both on someone else, in other words: it means the other person has the "right and the weapon" to hurt you.

Second, emotional maturity

From a psychological point of view, the root cause of solving the inner sense of security is not "material"; if a person is mentally unable to be independent, the material conditions are unable to have a qualitative leap.

Therefore, how to make yourself more secure, the essence is "inner fullness and peace", and behind all this is to cultivate their own emotional maturity (emotional maturity).

It means that a person can respond appropriately positively to different circumstances, temporary events, and mature people relative to three characteristics:

charge

Adaptable

Give

First of all, the former is responsible:

Let's talk about what is a "lack of responsibility"? It usually refers to the unwillingness to make choices, excessive dependence on others, and the fear that their own choices will bring negative results, so they give the right to choose to others, referring to others to bear the consequences of their choices instead of themselves.

It is mainly manifested in the three aspects of "shirking responsibility, evading decisions and blaming others".

For example, I always have friends around me, and whenever I ask them why they chose their major, the answer is usually "I don't know what I like, and I make decisions about the profession that my parents think is promising."

But after going to college, I didn't like it, and I insisted on it for three years, and my job after graduation was naturally not smooth.

The most common complaint with people is: "I blame my parents for letting me choose this profession"; in fact, when I first made a decision, I gave the choice to my parents, perhaps I did not think clearly, and further said that I was refusing to be responsible for life.

Lack of responsibility in life and work is often accompanied by fear of choice, procrastination, etc., but when it develops to a certain extent, it may become a "Responsibility Deficit".

The reason is simple, relying on others to help me make choices, but often dissatisfied with the objective results and suffering and insecurity, it is like: how can I be so unlucky, feel that life is a mess.

However, when you take back the decision-making power in life, they will say "whatever, I don't know" and become more anxious; what do the people who lack responsibility think?

Specifically, there are four dimensions of performance:

Throw the pot, if things do not develop as expected, there must be someone to take responsibility, can not be me;

This will reduce my position among the people;

When I do something wrong, it is he who is rejected by others, not me, and I will not have the possibility of being excluded, blamed, and satirized;

I don't want to take on important responsibilities, I just want to be a good old man.

Therefore, once you continue to push the choice and responsibility to others, and even blame others for mistakes, you really begin to become an "irresponsible person".

Secondly, there is the ability to adapt:

One of the "six natures of the military industry" is adaptability, which can be used in various extreme situations, such as cold poles, mountains and swamps, and a gun, which is adaptability.

This scenario becomes another variable at work, where the job requires "assistance", not only colleagues, but also suppliers, users, technology, and so on.

In other words, a colleague in an organization is different, it has a lot of uncertainty; what is the essence of poor adaptability? I'll summarize it in four dimensions:

Mental energy

Personal competence

Things are difficult

virtuous circle

When a person goes to a new environment, the psychological state is the most important driving force for doing things, deciding whether to insist or give up in the face of difficulties, and to what extent they can achieve; and personal ability determines the amount of psychological pressure generated when facing things.

For the difficulty of things, it directly determines the psychological ability that the individual needs to have and the size of the personal ability and the benefits obtained from completing the event.

Let's take an analogy:

You join a new company for a week, when the colleagues around you ignore you, and then the new job arranged by the leader is beyond your own ability, you will reject the company in your heart, so that you think that it is not the state you want, and finally choose to leave.

Further: when the gap between the psychological state and the difficulty of things and the environment is too large, the inner fluctuations of people are huge; and then the instinct will tell you to "want to escape".

If you can no longer enter the positive feedback, you will form a vicious circle and lose the "sense of security".

Speaking of giving:

Its essence is still around the material and emotional development, the core is "pay", may wish to think about why people who grow up are rarely willing to pay? The reasons are:

Loss aversion

Lack of patience

There is a term in psychology called "hoarding-orientation", which mainly refers to people who are very stingy with their emotions in their relationship with people.

It is not that they are unwilling to give their social feelings, but that they regard giving as a resource, believing that giving consumes their own resources.

It should be known that this kind of personality is mainly divided into two types: productive and non-productive, and the hoarding type belongs to the non-productive personality.

Hoarding-oriented people, whose sense of security is based on hoarding and thrift, see giving as a threat, largely due to infancy without care or unconditional attention and love.

For example, when you want to give your parents something (a greeting card, a painting) for the first time as a child to express love, you are rejected or ignored, which leads to the fact that you think that even if you give, you may not have a response, and over time you will no longer be willing to give.

Another situation is that after adulthood, when getting along with colleagues in society, it is found that every time the payment is not trusted by others, it is difficult to establish a long-term relationship, and it is also difficult to have a loss aversion, and whenever you want to pay, you still show a state of "forget it".

Further, hoarders never want to create a win-win situation, just want to play a "zero-sum game", I must pay a reward, I must be a winner, must get the respect of the other party or the exchange of equal value.

This will cause us to exchange feelings with others in a temporary and fragile way, but giving is mutual, and once we are unable to take the initiative, the friend will think that you are snubbing others, and it is likely that you will no longer give.

So hoarding people are trapped in a "negative cycle" in this way, they have a special loyalty to memories, often clinging to everything in the past and indulging in the past.

So how do we get out of this state and become spiritually independent, emotionally rich, and emotionally mature? I simply call it "Open Yourself."

Third, open yourself

You need to know that the future you face is determined by the choices of the present moment, and the best path to decision-making is the "power law".

In other words, from the perspective of certainty, it is responsible for tomorrow to make every choice that is not afraid of the present; followed by making yourself stronger, here are a few methods that may be suitable for you:

First: adjust for cognitive bias

What is cognitive flexibility? It is an important mediation ability in psychology, mainly refers to the ability of a person's mind to switch back and forth between different concepts and perspectives, in other words, to be able to get out of the old state and adapt to the new state.

Strictly speaking, our brains are essentially a parallel task system, working on multiple tasks all the time.

We breathe, our heartbeats while we are listening or watching, and we also have to accept the perception of problems from the sense of touch; in addition, we need to think and predict, and process emotions.

As a result, the brain's neurons form fixed paths; for familiar scenarios and even things, they like to use the "traditional path-dependent" way of making decisions, thereby reducing the cost of efficiency, but this means that it is used to staying in old areas and lazy to develop new paths.

such as:

In the above, when someone asks about your major in college, someone shakes his head and regrets that four years of effort have not been used "after work", which becomes a fixed thinking.

So how do you adjust your cognitive biases to be responsible for yourself? I summed it up in four words, namely: "Feel the moment."

It's like you get a bad deck of cards in your hand, complaining is useless, how to cooperate with your partner to win the other side is very important.

So the next time you encounter a problem in your work and life, you may wish to take the initiative to choose and take responsibility for your actions.

The essential meaning of responsibility is a kind of voluntary action ability, not to be pushed off by others because of the fear of dissatisfaction with the results of encountering problems, and even to avoid lying, denial, etc., so that you can get more opportunities and exercise your initiative.

Again: adapting to change

I have seen many people extremely insecure due to the uncontrollable outside world, such as: marginalization of anxious work, unemployment at the age of 35, 5 years of love and loss of love, and the pressure of housing loans; so what to do?

I have always said: It is better to go with the past than to go back; complaining cannot solve the fundamental problem, and facing it is the fundamental.

The essence of compromise and acceptance is a "balance of resistance", the former is forced to think that it has to be done, but when acting, there will be "resentment" in the heart, and it will always give up in the near future; the latter is to transform the heart and actively cope with it in a more optimistic form.

For example, when faced with different opinions, people with adaptability will consider a variety of ways to deal with conflicts; for example, whether they can use the exchange of benefits, whether it is feasible to exchange for compromise between the two sides.

The opposite person will be controlled by emotions, jump like thunder whenever a conflict occurs, and even use the same set of thinking to deal with problems, and always please when there is a disagreement with different people.

In the process of acceptance, I often use the self-adjustment methodology, which has three steps:

Slow down

Strong communication

Find deconstruction

All the problem resistance you encounter is nothing more than these three, either you are too anxious, or you do not communicate in place, or you do not find the steps to disassemble the problem; practice this step deliberately, and you can walk out of the old environmental model and form a new state.

Second: give and give, give half of the full

There is a saying called: the more you give, the happier you are, the more you look at it, the more indifferent you are, why? The reason is that giving can make oneself spiritually satisfied, and the bystander feels that the more indifferent it is.

You know, it's not that "all efforts are necessarily rewarded," and we shouldn't expect to have a purpose for every effort we give.

Productive personality people will turn the "hoarding orientation" into active giving, which requires us to learn two things first:

Dig deeper

Round up half

Try to understand the real state of the other party in socializing, rather than just staying in the "zero-sum game"; through one or two social interactions, you think that the person's interaction value is not great and slowly give up.

On the one hand, people help each other, trying to tell themselves that even if others are inferior to me, they must give people roses and leaves incense; the house is not taken away or sacrificed, but only through the effort to reflect their own strength, produce abundance and vitality.

On the other hand, let the other person feel his own vitality, you will be overjoyed, and he will also give back in another way to your efforts.

It's also important to try to focus on "what I gained" rather than "what I lost" when you share it with others, and treat giving as a long-term investment rather than a take on others.

Then: open yourself and actively explore

As mentioned at the beginning, we all make decisions in the grayscale space, and the fundamentals of certainty and uncertainty are probabilistic events, which is also the fundamental difference between ordinary people and big guys, the former is pursuing a sense of security, the latter is embracing uncertainty.

We need to let go of the thinking that actions that are too heavy are necessary to have results; to cultivate a method of overcoming what I need to pay to achieve my goal, which I call "exploration mode."

Exploration means to be free to open up to pursue, to discover beautiful things; when you find beauty, not to have it, but to appreciate it, only in this way can there be endless motivation to pursue, and its corresponding instructions have 5 steps:

Open yourself

Take the initiative

Adjust the orientation

Positive feedback

Increase the probability

Speaking of which, what is definitive? variation. Many of our pains and unnecessary worries come not from the problems and difficulties themselves, but from unrealistic assumptions and assumptions, from the confrontation with laws.

When you figure out that "uncertainty" is the law of the world, and accept that, you are no longer afraid.

These four are summed up, which I call emotional maturity management, and I hope that we can all rely on our own strength to find our own sense of security; when the individual's mind matures, the improvement of skills will also follow.

To summarize:

Don't put all your sustenance on others, don't think about pleasing others, or even consider the thoughts and intentions of others, all this is meaningless.

Everyone's biggest concern is always themselves, and insecurity is universal; you don't need to see it as a shackle, so you can't be in a hurry and adjust slowly.

This is the most important "certainty" in uncertainty, remember that the sense of security is given by yourself, isn't it?

This article is from the WeChat public account: Wang Zhiyuan (ID: Z201440), author: Wang Zhiyuan

This content is the author's independent view and does not represent the position of Tiger Sniff. It may not be reproduced without permission, please contact [email protected] for authorization matters

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