Text | Little Tree Mom
Source | Growing trees
Recently, a video like this was brushed on Weibo:
Outside a KFC store in Xi'an, a boy looks through the glass as his sister gulps down a hamburger.
It turned out that the boy had agreed with his father that if he did well in the exam, he would invite him to eat KFC at the end of the term.
As a result, the boy only scored 76 points in English, while his sister in the preschool class scored 100 points.
In order to show that "rewards and punishments are clear", Dad asked him to reflect on why he did not do well in the exam outside, so there was a scene in the video of "the sister eats hamburgers, and the brother watches through the window".
Dad said that in fact, he had already ordered food for the boy, and he was afraid that he would think that "if he didn't take the test well, he would buy it for him", so he let him reflect.
Below the video, many netizens feel that this practice is no problem, the rules set by the children themselves, and they have not completed the punishment, which is beyond reproach.
Some netizens also believe that:
Doing so is extremely harmful, because it is extremely insulting and it is not enough to educate children.
In fact, the father in the video this practice is not uncommon in our daily life:
Do you still want to eat braised pork if you don't do well? Save it.
I didn't get a hundred points, and I didn't buy new clothes...
Parents hope to make their children more motivated by embarrassing them.
But I don't agree with this approach, because these methods are essentially depriving the child of self-esteem, which may have an effect in the short term, but it is very detrimental to the child's long-term development.
Image source: The movie "Red Balloon"
Unconditional love, does not spoil children
The dad in front of me said something like this:
I am afraid that if the child thinks that if he takes a good test, he will buy it for him.
Carefully analyzed, but felt sad.
As a child who depends on his parents for food, clothing, and housing, what he feels is that as long as he enters primary school, and even as long as he has an exam, his parents' love for himself has "additional conditions", that is:
Only if you do well in the exam and study well, can you deserve the favor of your parents.
However, once "love" becomes conditional, the child's inner sense of security will be destroyed.
Image source: The movie "Father and Son"
Originally, the child thought that the parents would always love themselves, but now these conditions have all become a "tight curse", the child will slowly realize that he must exchange his grades for "love", once he can't meet the requirements of his parents, he has become a useless person, a person who is not worthy of being loved.
Once this idea takes root in a child's mind, it is difficult for him to face failure calmly.
The child came into this world on our behalf, and he is ultimately going to be himself.
The best love of parents is to love a child as it is.
And learning, in fact, should be a very pure thing.
Those children who do not have to think about superfluous things can improve themselves without distraction and find their true purpose in life and learning goals.
The wrong way of communicating is often counterproductive
Unconditional love for children does not mean that parents can stand by and watch if the child has a problem.
It is just that parents should not use substances to associate their children's learning, or even punish their children for delaying material satisfaction.
Because the communication method is not right, it is easy for children to lose the power to change.
The famous brain scientist Dweck once shared such a story in his speech "On the Meaning of Failing an Exam":
There is a high school in Chicago, and children have to pass a series of exams before they graduate.
If a course has not been taken, the child's grades will not be written to fail, but will not pass.
This "has not passed", the potential language for the child is not "you can't do it", "you are weak", but to tell the child that your pace of learning has not stopped, and you still need to continue to fight.
Image source: The movie "Paris Naughty Gang"
Relationshipist Zhou Fan also said:
"People always think that putting the other person in shame will make the other person reflect on themselves.
In fact, self-change requires strength, and guilt is the thing that kills power the most.
The more you judge or condemn others, the more you deprive them of the power to change."
Chicago High School's "unfinished" approach is worth learning.
It does not judge the child, let alone blame the child, it uses "not yet passed" to present the child with an open result.
This kind of judgment is not easy to deprive children of their strength, and it will also allow children to establish a "growth mindset" and understand that learning is a matter of continuous effort.
Image source: TV series "Guarantee"
Rather than punishing criticism
It is better to help children improve their self-awareness
"The child has made a military order, far from reaching" "Obviously capable but frequently makes mistakes" To tell the truth, this situation will not be comfortable for any parent.
But children can't do it, just throw them a sentence of "go reflect", such a punishment, most of the time, is just a formality, so that parents vent their anger.
For most adults, doing the wrong thing, self-criticism and self-reflection, is the shortcut to progress.
But children are hard.
Because most children do not have the ability to jump out of the perspective of the person and look back from the perspective of a third party.
It is precisely because of the lack of self-awareness that children make mistakes.
Image source: The movie "Angel Amelie"
When I was a child, I couldn't do quick calculations and bad answers, and I often made mistakes because of nervousness.
But sit down and answer the questions slowly, and it's easy to get the math right.
I remember that several times when I miscalculated, the math teacher looked at me strangely and said:
Why does the oral arithmetic always go wrong? Stand and think about why?
Now that I think about it, the teacher hates iron not steel, and hopes that I will do better.
But at that time, I was standing next to my seat, and my mind couldn't turn to the math, and I kept thinking:
What a shame! How can I be so stupid! What will my friends think of me?!
At this time, the teacher will throw another oral arithmetic problem, and my mind is confused, and I can count half a day with my fingers before I can react.
After those few times, I was particularly reluctant to let math class, because I was too afraid of that embarrassment.
Image source: TV series "The Rules of the Tall Gormy"
If you want your child not to make mistakes or make fewer mistakes, the best way is to let your children improve their self-awareness ability at specific events or key nodes.
The book "Nonviolent Communication" has talked about the core of nonviolent communication:
Four simple steps can be - tell the facts, talk about feelings, talk about the reasons, and make demands.
Similarly, if the child "fails to meet the standard", we can change the blame into help, so that the child can find the reason why it cannot be done or done well as soon as possible.
For example, if the math teacher had said this earlier:
You usually have good grades in mathematics, but your oral arithmetic is always wrong (telling the truth);
I feel a little incredible (say feelings);
Are you nervous? Or can't list the equations in your head? (Dissecting the Cause)
I want you to think hard about which one you are and find the reason as soon as possible.2
I believe I wouldn't have hated math during that time.
This kind of communication, seemingly simple, is actually helping children improve their self-awareness.
Similarly, it can also help children improve their perception in some specific learning problems.
Like what:
Help children find out their memory characteristics, is it better to get up early or to go to bed late?
What is the most lost score in the child's various subject examinations, and where should I make up for it?
Is the allocation of study time sufficiently reasonable?
There is a study plan during the holidays, is it implemented in place?
The sorting out of these specific problems is far more practical than the reflection of children without goals.
Most importantly, the child feels help, not blame.
Image source: Movie "Room"
They change, they have a direction, they have an entry point, and it won't be too difficult to achieve their goals again.
Saint Exupéry, author of The Little Prince, said:
If you want people to build a ship, don't hire people to collect wood, don't give orders, don't assign tasks, but inspire people's desire for the ocean.
With longing and dreams, even the hardest things can turn into fun.
Children learn the same way, giving them the strength to continue to work hard, far more than to reflect on the child's enduring morale and motivation.
The love of parents is actually of high quality.
May every parent, to give their children love not blindly, wisdom and power.