Literature/learning is the treasure of the body
We all know that making ourselves better is the root of everything.
However, how to make yourself better and successful is not an easy task.
Some people may feel that if they want to change, they must be "cruel" to themselves - continue to work hard, race against the clock, and cannot rest easily, but in the end, it is likely to find that the effect is not obvious, and even there are signs of regression, because people's energy is limited, people who do not know how to rest, it is difficult to become a better self; others think that if they want to break through themselves, they must have a clear plan, but in the process of implementation, they find it difficult to persevere, and finally have to give up, and so on.
At this point, we need to reflect on the "change" thing – how change happens, how it doesn't happen, what hinders change, and what to do when change doesn't go as you please.
Because only by better understanding what is holding us back from changing can we be more likely to succeed in our change.
The answers to these questions may be found in the book "Neglected Children: How to Overcome Childhood Emotional Neglect" by the well-known American psychologist Jonis Webb, although he expounds it from the perspective of posing childhood emotional neglect, but it also applies to those of us who want to make ourselves better, because both are talking about "change".
In today's article, we will talk about it in detail.
1. Making change happen successfully is not all smooth sailing
When we encounter setbacks, difficulties, or psychological difficulties, we always think of some way to "immediately see the effect", because the human brain is like this - it is easy to take refuge and rush to achieve results, but it is difficult for such a method to become a reality, especially those things related to self-growth, which take time to complete slowly.
Because successful change is not achieved overnight.
For example, we often say that weight loss does not mean that "thinking" can be "done", it is a process, it takes time, nor is it that we have set a "goal" that can be achieved quickly, because whether the goal setting is reasonable, the mentality in the process of implementing the goal, etc., may have problems, so we need to be patient to make ourselves better.
This "patience" can help us find the factors that hinder successful change, and those factors are the "stumbling blocks" on the road to self-growth, and can also become "psychological misunderstandings".
Dr. Jonis Webb lists three aspects for us in her book.
2. Change one of the "stumbling blocks" on the road, wrong expectations
Expectations, which are our motivation for change, but if expectations are like this, it is difficult to succeed because they are wrong:
First, it is believed that change is made in a straight line.
For example, some people want to lose weight, want to change, in order to make themselves better, the result is that after insisting on not eating dinner for a few days, the weight did not drop as in the previous few days, and he began to be a little discouraged, but he warned himself that he could not give up easily, so he tried to overcome the hunger that was difficult, but the result was still not ideal, so the mentality collapsed and chose to give up.
In fact, this change process is to fall into the psychological misunderstanding of "expecting change to rise in a straight line" and not see the power of time.
Second, it is believed that setbacks are failures.
This is also easy to understand, just like the person who wants to lose weight said earlier, if he rebounds during weight loss, or does not lose weight to the ideal range, he feels that he has failed, and then gets angry with himself, and even completely denies himself.
Third, if you think that it does not go according to plan, you simply give up.
We also use weight loss as an example to illustrate.
For example, the second day after a person begins to lose weight, encounters practical obstacles, the leader or good friend invites guests to dinner, it is not good to refuse, it is very entangled, coupled with the persuasion of the other party, hindering people and face and finally choosing to go to the appointment, if the number of times the plan is disrupted in this way, the person is likely to give up, because he feels that it is too difficult to insist on doing one thing, and what he did not expect is that these interferences are inevitable.
In fact, the above "psychological misunderstandings" are sometimes hidden in our subconscious, it is difficult to be detected, and only by "seeing" them can we get rid of them.
3. Change the second "stumbling block" on the road, escape
As we said earlier, people's brain nature is to seek advantages and avoid harms, and in the process of change, once problems are encountered, it is easy to escape.
In addition to the instincts of the brain, the change in reality is also challenging, because change is to get out of the comfort zone, that is, to accept difficulties.
In his book, Dr. Webb gives us a list of the different levels of difficulties that will be encountered in the process of change:
First, we force ourselves to do unfamiliar things;
Second, we have to force ourselves to do things that we find difficult;
Again, we have to persevere;
Finally, we have to put a lot of effort into it.
Think about it, the most natural reaction of the vast majority of people to the above challenges is to escape, so "avoidance" may also become a "stumbling block" on our way to success.
4. Change the third "stumbling block" on the road, discomfort
The psychological trap that hinders successful change, in addition to false expectations and avoidance, there is a third, namely not.
Because change can be a scary thing.
When we start to feel different about ourselves than we used to be, or when people treat us differently because of our changes, we may feel like we're living on an alien planet — not knowing how to do it or how to respond to others.
For example, people who have not paid attention to dietary health and body management have suddenly changed, want to lose weight healthily, the people around them are likely to be uncomfortable, and even some people may ridicule him, during the weight loss is not smooth, they may also laugh at him, at this time, if he does not have concentration, he may also give up, and this is because of the obstacle brought by "discomfort".
It can be seen that after the change of their own strange, do not say others, sometimes even we ourselves will feel awkward, and change also means unknown, uncertain, which will bring people a sense of fear, which also increases the obstacle to change.
Write at the end:
In fact, the above-mentioned factors that hinder successful change are all from a psychological point of view, and this may be the root cause of our difficulty in making ourselves better sometimes, so if we want to truly achieve self-growth, we need to avoid these "psychological misunderstandings".
First, in response to "false expectations", we can do this:
Hone your mind, have some patience with yourself, see the power of time, and understand that any long-term plan will encounter constant interference, and believe that there will be a reward for paying, because even "three days of fishing and two days of drying nets" is better than stagnation.
Second, for "evasion", we can do this:
The first little trick, write down every time you want to escape, and you can also talk to friends who have the same experience around you about those moments of wanting to escape, which will make us find that "we are not alone in the battle", which in turn promotes us to change, because the process of "writing" and the process of "talking" are accepting ourselves, and change is based on allowing no change.
The second little trick, bravely facing the escape, imagining the joy and excitement after you get out of the predicament, can enhance the power to face it.
The third tip is to always remind yourself not to fall into the vicious circle of escape-disappointment-escape, and remind yourself that the more difficulties you overcome, the more you gain.
Third: For "discomfort", we can do this:
Motivate yourself with the "original intention" you want to change, and learn to use new abilities to rebalance your relationship with others, don't blame others, and don't question yourself.
In short, the road to making ourselves better will be full of difficulties and challenges, but as long as we can identify them, we can find strategies to deal with them, so that we can meet the better self and the life we really want.
End of this article
Thank you for reading