#究竟什么是性同意 #
In recent days, the topic has been read 360 million times on Weibo, triggering 82,000 discussions.
At the same time that Wu Yifan's matter was making a storm in the city, the girl @ Bye-bye-la posted on Weibo that she was raped, and in the case of recordings of the rape process and the suspect admitting the fact of his rape, the Guangzhou Baiyun District Procuratorate did not approve the arrest of the suspect. At present, the Baiyun District Procuratorate has issued a notice indicating that it is verifying, and the specific results have not yet been announced.
The girl mentioned a detail when the prosecutor in charge at the time questioned the girl for giving "sexual consent" on the grounds that the victim had accepted the tea purchased by the suspect.
The girl repeatedly mentioned a sentence on Weibo: calling for the abolition of the fallacious theory that "women say no is to be".
Yes, when women say "don't", they mean "don't". Not the opposite.
This should be basic common sense.
In Du Meizhu's complaint against Wu Yifan, she mentioned that she was drunk when she first had a relationship with Wu. The Beijing police have just reported that Du Meizhu and Wu Yifan have a relationship, but did not say whether Du Meizhu was sober at the time (this estimate is very difficult to prove).
If it is true as Du Meizhu said, I don't know exactly how to define it in law, but it must be inappropriate to have a relationship with a drunk person.
It's just that these recent events make it seem that perhaps we don't know enough about "no means no" and "sexual consent."
What exactly is "sexual consent"?
The most basic logic of sexual consent is "no means no" (no means no).
This set of pictures, which has been widely uploaded on Weibo, uses the analogy of "sexual consent" with tea, which is very convenient to understand:
Don't make tea for people who don't want to drink tea, even if you make tea, others still have the right to choose not to drink;
The decision to drink tea is changing, yesterday want to drink tea does not mean that you also want to drink tea today, 10 minutes ago there is a willingness to drink tea people can also refuse after 10 minutes;
When others are unconscious or delirious, they don't need to drink tea, even if they previously said they wanted to drink tea.
(Image from Weibo @ Life Theater)
I mentioned to you that I went to college in the United States. I still remember that when I attended the college freshman training, the sister in charge of taking us said that sexual consent is a process.
The fact that others agree to eat with you does not mean that they agree to kiss you; the person who agrees to kiss you is not necessarily willing to go further with you; the person who has a relationship with you once does not mean that they are willing to continue to have a relationship with you later...
Every step in the exchange requires both sides to reach consensus before it can continue.
Anyone has the right to call a halt in the process, and if one side pushes forward, it's as Ito Shiori, Japan's first woman to publicly accuse rape by her looks and name, that sex without consent is rape.
It's just that too many people now, especially some men, don't know whether to read more messy online texts or play on the top, and even the simple and direct truth of "no is not" cannot be understood. They often use "want to refuse to return", "push and pull", "women say no is to" as reasons to ignore the rejection expressed between women's words or body movements.
The core of this disregard is actually disrespect, and the ignorers do not think that women are an equal, complete, rational, and independent judgment person, and they think that his judgment of women is greater than the rejection expressed by women themselves.
I want to ask these people, which brand did you eat to grow up with?
Teacher Luo Xiang mentioned when talking about the crime of sexual assault: "If a person has clearly said no, why can't you respect the expression of his language? Even if a man sincerely believes that 'doesn't equal', the law is going to abandon this playboy philosophy and you have to pay for your prejudices. ”
Some people may ask, in the interaction between men and women in intimate relationships, there may be a time to say "yes" as "no", ah, the love between lovers, how should this be distinguished?
I think flirting is flirting, but the logic of "women say no" doesn't apply in sexual relationships anyway.
Take ten thousand steps back and say, when you are not sure, confirm with the other party and ask her if she really wants to. Men, believe me, in this day and age, genuinely respect each other, this good character is sexier than you think.
On the topic of "sexual consent", India made a movie "Red Pink Horror" in 2016, which carefully dissected the "no is not".
The film revolves around a lawsuit. The three girls and three boys met at the concert and had dinner together, but then several boys began to use their hands and feet on the girls, and one of the girls hit the leading boy with a bottle of wine when she resisted. Afterwards, the boy used the influence of the family, and the evil person sued first, and the girl was sued in court for "intentionally hurting people".
The lawyer representing the female students summed up a series of so-called "girl safety manuals" in court, pointing directly to the hegemonic definition of men to women under the logic of male power.
"A girl shouldn't go anywhere alone with a boy, and if she does, people assume that since she went there voluntarily, they have the right to do whatever it takes to her."
"When a girl talks to a boy, she can't laugh or touch him. Otherwise, he would feel that it was a hint, that her smile would be considered acquiescence, and that this natural human behavior would make him feel that she was misbehaving. ”
"Girls can never drink with boys. Because she drank, the boy would think: 'If she is willing to drink with me, she will not mind sleeping with me', and for girls, drinking means taking advantage of the opportunity. ”
"Good girls" should be obedient, obedient, not going out at night, not drinking and talking with men... If you can't do it, then I'm sorry, you're a "bad girl", and it's reasonable that bad things happen to "bad girls" and are self-inflicted.
Ridiculous?
But it is on the premise of not considering women's self-will at all, this absurd logical closed loop is formed.
The man who attempted to rape yelled in court: "Girls from good families don't drink, only casual girls will drink, and on that premise, any man will try his luck!" ”
In his eyes, the girl's shouting "no" and the girl's struggle are not as "suggestive" as the "she drank with me". He blurs sexual consent to "drinking" and then ignores the girl's true physical and verbal rejection.
What is even more frustrating and sad is that this is the plot of the movie, but it is not just the plot of the movie, and even similar things do not just happen in India.
In addition to the "hi tea = sexual consent" mentioned at the beginning, remember, Han Han once said that "a girl watching a movie with you is equivalent to being willing to sleep with you".
Is that disgusting? Disgusting, but even more disgusting is that some people still think so.
And every time there is a rape case, someone always takes out a magnifying glass to examine the victim's private life, accuses the victim of "imperfection" and "impurity" through some clues, and uses the logic of "slut humiliation" to blame the victim.
But the crux of the matter was never whether the victims were "good girls," but that rapists didn't respect the "no" they expressed.
Every time I talk to my friends about "sexual consent", I feel that it is a very difficult thing for women to say "no".
This "difficulty" is not to say that women cannot say "no", but in our current cultural environment, many times the seriousness of women's rejection is dissolved and entertained.
From many idol dramas that use sexual harassment as a bridge for flirting, to the "Ya Li Butterfly" in adult movies, they are actually secretly conveying the message that "women say 'no' is to refuse to return the favor".
In popular Mary Sue dramas or online texts, "strong kisses" and "pushing down" plots that emphasize "male coercion" and can even be said to have "sexual violence" are often regarded as "Sue".
(To be honest, the strong kiss of the Cedar vegetables in the Daoming Temple in "Meteor Garden" really caused a huge shadow on my young mind)
The concept of sexual consent rarely appears in these works. Women's rejection is often seen as a sign that "men are not trying hard enough", as long as men continue to "pursue" women, and finally women will always accept men's courtship.
I'm not trying to express that I can't like these things, I myself watch Mary Sue sweet dramas and see the old face red and hiss, but at the same time we should be a little wary of this cultural product.
When the #METOO movement swept through South Korea, which loves to make "hegemonic" dramas, some critics pointed out that sexual harassment is gradually becoming an indispensable element of love dramas, and such works will numb the public's perception of sexual crimes.
This kind of cultural product that is created to satisfy our pleasure is very different from reality. But many people who do not understand "sexual consent" cannot correctly distinguish between these things and real life.
Let me tell you the true story of my college classmates. The university I attended and the schools next door were "school unions" where students could go to each other for classes at other schools.
My college classmate was a very awkward European boy, and once he forcibly kissed a girl at the party at the school next door. The girl was very angry and directly reported to the school police (american schools have school police, real police, but generally only care about school-wide things), and then the boy was banned from the next school. Because of this, the classes he chose at the next school that semester were all hung up, and he almost delayed graduation.
Saying this story has no other meaning, is to remind some boys that after a strong kiss can catch up with the girl is an idol drama, is fake, the real strong kiss is not very good.
A scholar who focuses on gender topics once said on TEDTalk: "All stories related to sex are actually stories about 'sexual consent' at the same time." We rarely have this perception because the concept of 'sexual consent' was previously almost invisible.
If we can change the storyline little by little, so that "sexual consent" is no longer invisible, it may be the first step forward.
At the very least, I hope that the next time the rape victim comes forward, there will be no more strange statements such as "drinking the tea bought by men = sexual consent".
She has the right to say "no" regardless of the victim's person, and her rejection should be treated as a serious rejection rather than a flirtatious flirt.
When talking to Du Zi about my college days, we all lamented that there is still a lot of room for progress in China in terms of sex education and the protection of women in this regard. I hope that there will be more systematic and complete sex education in the future, and the environment for women's rights protection can be more friendly.
(Image from the Internet)
Author: Seabed