In the eyes of others, I am a happy woman, independent, competent, strong, and have a happy family. But I often feel hopeless and depressed inexplicably, is it true that the nightmare-like experiences of the past cannot be shaken off in a lifetime?
Narrator: Purple Gem
(The characters in the story are pseudonyms)
Age: 32 years old
Occupation: Manager
(i)
Illustration
I was born into a moderately wealthy family to parents with three daughters, the youngest of whom I was the youngest and the one who made my family the most worry-free. From elementary school to college graduation, until I went to work, my growth experience can be said to have been smooth.
The university I attended was in a beautiful coastal city, where the scenery was beautiful, the people were beautiful, and the streets were full of handsome men and beautiful girls outside the school. I, the northern girl, was in the middle of it, like an inconspicuous ugly duckling.
The female classmates in the same dormitory, every weekend, dressed up beautifully and went out to fall in love. I don't like to get together, I don't like to be busy, and I either soak in the library or in the classroom every day.
After graduating from college, I returned to my hometown and successfully entered a public company. Later, I learned that dad had spent money on the relationship, but I didn't know it at the time.
This is a company that treats everything well, works hard, and forms a happy little family in the future, which is all my life dream at that time. But when I really walked out of the ivory tower of the campus, I found that in addition to reading more books than others, I lacked too little social experience.
(ii)
On the first day of work, I was placed in the business department, and I heard that every new recruit must go through this forging process. To be honest, I am not that piece of material, often because I can't pull the business, I am in a hurry to fill my mouth with bubbles.
My immediate superior, surnamed Su, is a middle-aged man with average appearance and no height, but with a pair of very deep eyes. He is said to be 45 years old, but looks a little younger than he actually is.
Soon after I joined the company, he took extra care of me. At first, I wasn't aware of it, and it was my colleagues who reminded me. I noticed later and found that his attitude towards me was indeed a little different.
When I can't pull the business and am in a hurry, he will arrange one or two prospects for me to negotiate with ten to nine. Other colleagues talked privately, saying that we must be relatives. I explained it, but no one believed it, and I didn't bother to explain it later.
I live in a single dormitory, because most of the employees are married, few people live in the dormitory, and I am not sociable, so I stay alone in the dormitory after work. There's a little park near the company, and sometimes I walk around that corner park at night.
(iii)
I remember very clearly that it was a summer night, and the weather was particularly hot, as if it was going to rain, but it was delayed, so the air was wet and sticky, and it was suffocating.
The air conditioner in my dorm was broken that day, and I couldn't sleep, so I ran to that little park to stay a little while. At that time, it was more than ten o'clock at night, and there were many people in the small park, but that day was very strange, the small park actually did not have anyone, maybe everyone was blowing air conditioning at home, I thought so myself.
I sat there for a while, feeling a little frightened, so I got up and prepared to go back to my dorm. But at this moment, my mouth was suddenly covered from behind, and I was dragged into the grass.
It all happened so suddenly that I was terrified, struggling desperately, and in a hurry, I bit the man's hand. The man snorted and let go of his hand. I took the opportunity to run away without looking back.
(iv)
I stumbled back to my bachelor's dorm room, shivering with fear. I was horrified and locked the doors and windows and checked them several times. For more than twenty years, I felt fear for the first time in a peaceful life.
As I tried to calm myself down, I was secretly glad that nothing had happened. I spent almost all night without sleep, always awakened by nightmares. The next day, I was sick and had a headache and couldn't lift it.
I called a colleague and asked them to help me take two days off. Near noon, two female colleagues came to see me and brought a lot of supplements, saying that Su Zong specifically instructed them to buy them.
They were going to take me to the hospital, and I wouldn't say anything, knowing that I was just frightened and that there was nothing wrong with me. A colleague also said: "Su Zong heard that you are very anxious when you are sick, so let us come to see you immediately, Xiao Wei, Su Zong is really good to you." ”
After sending away the two nagging colleagues, I lay in the dormitory for two days. Probably independent since childhood, I didn't mention it to anyone, including my parents.
(5)
After returning to the unit, Mr. Su still took good care of me, repeatedly asking me whether my body could bear it, and if not, I would rest for a few more days, for which I was very grateful. After some more days, I gradually came out of the shadow of that incident, and my life slowly returned to calm.
One day, colleagues gossiped that Su Zong and his wife were divorced, and he left all the property and the house to his wife and 10-year-old son, and he went out of the house by himself and rented a house outside alone. During that time, there were many rumors about him in the company, and various versions were available.
Su Zong did lose a lot of weight for a while, and his deep eyes became more melancholy. Still, he would call his colleagues out to dinner or drink. Sometimes I also tell you about the pain after the divorce. I could see that his pain was real, and sometimes I wanted to help him and comfort him from the bottom of my heart.
Once, I asked him, since the divorce is so painful, why do you insist on leaving? He sighed and said, you are too young to understand, I have my suffering, you will not understand.
(6)
Because I don't like to be busy, sometimes I don't want to go to dinner. My colleagues all advised me: "Su Zong has always taken care of you so much, and now he is so miserable, why do you mean not to go?" "I think it makes sense, so I follow them hard."
That day, it was Su Zong's birthday, it happened to be a weekend, after work, there were seven or eight people in the department, and they went to his home. He rented a two-bedroom house, the room was very tidy, and it could be seen that Sue was always a person who paid attention to the quality of life.
A few of us ate and drank and played there, and it was almost 11 o'clock in the evening. A few drank too much, I didn't drink a mouthful, Su Zong drank a lot, and his eyes were red. Then everyone else was gone, and I stayed and helped him clean up.
After cleaning up the kitchen and living room, I was ready to say goodbye. Mr. Su handed me a drink, "You worked hard Xiaowei, didn't let you eat well, and helped me clean the room." Have a drink and go. ”
(vii)
Embarrassed to refuse, I took two sips from the cup. As soon as I walked to the door, I felt dizzy, confused to remember that he reached out and supported me, and then I didn't know anything.
When I woke up, it was already bright. The sun was shining through the gap in the curtains and falling on my face. I felt a headache and a little thirsty. I opened my eyes and suddenly found myself lying naked in Su Zong's arms.
I felt like I was going crazy, and although I didn't resent this man, I still felt extremely disgusted that he had done such a thing.
As I cried, I beat him and scolded him like crazy. He hugged me equally bitterly and said, "You know what? Xiaowei, from the first day you joined the company, I liked you. I love you and will definitely compensate you for the rest of my life. ”
I even had suicidal thoughts at that time, but I didn't have the courage to make a braver choice. I slapped him hard and ran out of his house.
(viii)
It had been several months since I was away from home, and that was the only place where I had healed. I dare not say what I have experienced, traditional parents, how to accept this cruel reality. I forced myself to smile and told my family that I was too tired to run business and came back to rest for two days.
Two days later, Mr. Su actually came to my house with a lot of gifts to see me. He was very respectful to my parents, and my parents were flattered. My kind parents were happy and thought I had a good relationship with the leader, but they didn't know that my heart was bleeding.
My attitude towards Sue was very cold, and my mother still thought that I did not understand things, and pulled my clothes vigorously. After my parents sent him away with a smile on their faces, I told my family that I didn't want to work at that company anymore.
My parents were anxious, "Such a big company, such a good treatment, such a good leadership, why not go up?" "I have bitterness to say can not say, can only promise them, I will go back to the company."
Sue cared for me more than before, I didn't want to pay any more attention to him, but I didn't know why, but I couldn't help but think of him, thinking of his melancholy, painful and deep eyes.
(IX)
Once, a well-connected colleague saw that I was depressed all day and took me to a bar. She said that wine can dispel sorrows, and a drunken solution can solve a thousand sorrows. After that, I felt that I had completely degenerated, such a simple and naïve girl, who became a woman who went to the bar every night to buy drunks.
One day, I was drinking in a bar when a young man with yellow hair appeared next to me. He sat down next to me and asked me with ill will, "Little sister alone?" What is your name? ”
Suddenly, Sue appeared in front of me, and he pulled me up and pulled me away from the ill-intentioned man. I let him roll and let him stay away from me. But he blushed and said, "I really love you, don't you feel it at all?" "On this one sentence, I am completely finished.
I moved into the house that Su rented and lived the life of an ordinary couple. I mentioned getting a marriage license, and he said, "I want to, but I can't." Rest assured, I will give you an account. ”
Sue is very good at taking care of me, buying vegetables and cooking every day after work, like a father, and like a big brother. I lost my temper and he coaxed me patiently. In the evening, he took me for a walk and said it was the life he liked.
(x)
I don't know if I feel love for him, but I just feel that I like this solid feeling. Butterflies are beautiful, but life is short. I had the same feelings with him, and just as I was indulging in happiness and contentment, misfortune came.
One night six months later, he suddenly rolled over in bed in pain. I didn't know what to do, so I hit 120. He looked at me in a hurry and told me everything in pain.
It turned out that a year ago, he had been diagnosed with cancer, and it was advanced. Only then did he make up his mind to divorce his wife who had been in the Cold War for many years, and wanted to enjoy the last happiness of his life. The first time he saw me in the company, he fell in love with me, but he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to wait for the day when I would naturally fall in love with him, so he used such a despicable way...
I was stupid and blinded, and I didn't know what to say, and I didn't know whether to hate him. He kissed me with his last strength and fainted. The ambulance soon arrived, but he never returned.
He just left me, out of this world. In fact, after we were together, I often saw him take a lot of medicine. I asked him, he said it was for health care and beauty, and I laughed at him. I was too careless, but it was too late.
(xi)
Sue's affairs were handled by his ex-wife, and I only attended his funeral as an ordinary colleague of his. I don't know if anyone else knows what happened between me and him, but I don't know if I don't care.
Sue left me a sum of money before she died, saying that she would compensate me. But can money compensate for the pain of more than a year? My heart is dead, what is the use of asking for money. I stayed in the rental house every day, living a life of no one, no ghosts. After a while, I used up almost all the money I brought in, but I still had no idea of going to work.
My parents came to see me, and they looked at me decadently and shed tears of sadness. After Sue left, I didn't shed half a tear, but watching my white-haired parents cook for me in the kitchen and help me clean up the messy room, I cried, and I cried so much that I cried. My parents didn't know what was going on, and they comforted me and said, it's really hard, so let's go home.
I vowed to live well and just wanted them to respect my choice. I left the place that had brought me endless pain and trauma and came to this strange city.
I picked myself up and got a job as a salesman. I worked hard not to give myself a chance to rest and breathe. Because as soon as I am free, I think about him and think about the things of the past. My work grades have skyrocketed, and I've found that as long as I do one thing seriously, there is actually nothing difficult.
(xii)
I have a classmate in this city named Ah Qiang, who is a good person and honest and honest. His wife died just a year ago, leaving behind a 3-year-old daughter. After learning about him, I insisted on marrying him.
My family disagreed, but I kept insisting. Cuong couldn't believe it and asked me, "You're so good, why did you choose to be with me?" Is it pity me? ”
I said, "No, at this age, I just want to have a warm home." However, I have a request, I don't ask about your past, I hope you don't ask me, we all start from scratch. ”
Cuong thought about it for a few days and agreed to marry me. We just invited a few acquaintances to a meal without any ceremony. I don't know why I chose Ah Qiang, maybe I feel that I have flaws.
After getting married, I asked Cuong to take his daughter from his hometown and send her to a good private kindergarten. Ah Qiang used to work as a network manager in a small company, and I said to him, after I come to support my family, you can choose what you like to do.
Later, Cuong partnered with a friend of his and started a software company. He is very capable, gets up early every day and goes dark, and comes home to take care of the children and me. Sometimes I also feel bad and want to help him. He said, you are very tired, your body is weak, or rest more.
Three years later, we had a lot of money on our passbook. We bought a house, we bought a car, and our days are getting better and better, and Qiang's company is getting better and better. I felt happier than ever, and only occasionally on a late night when I couldn't sleep, I still remembered Sue and everything about him.
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Everyone has a past, everyone has secrets that no one knows, and if these secrets are said and will hurt others, it is better to let him rot in his heart. If you want to continue to move forward in life, only by fully accepting the past experience, the past self, can you better come out. Reconcile with our past selves, reconcile with those who have been in the past, forgive those who have hurt us, because they can't dance beautifully because they are dancing with chains. In the same way, with the shackles of the spirit, it is not easy to live a beautiful life.
This article is based on the protagonist's oral collation, original is not easy, please do not copy!! If you also have emotional experience and want to talk about it, you can leave a message in a private message.
■ Text/Hebei Youth Daily reporter Pi Xueyan
■ Editor / Pi Xueyan
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