Secret Garden (to be continued)

He said that in the early summer, he had arranged to go to Japan, with his family, about ten days or so.

When I heard this news a few months ago, the pond with the sharp corners of the little lotus in my heart suddenly seemed to have encountered a flood, was submerged, washed away, and then became a vast ocean, spreading widely without boundaries. She had always known that at some point, there was a kind of boundary that would be clearly drawn in front of her eyes. She thought, perhaps, that was his trip.

Osaka, Kyoto, is also a place she likes and has been to many times.

The first time was with Shiga's Japanese colleagues who roamed kyoto's famous temples, such as Kiyomizu-dera Temple, Kinkaku-ji Temple, Tenryu-ji Temple, and Todai-ji Temple. In the bamboo forest path of Arashiyama, they saw the newlyweds taking wedding photos and looked at each other and smiled. Marriage, the meaning of each woman is different, each holding their own sweet and sour, or fortunate, or regret, or happiness, or pain, the most embarrassing part of married life is that it does not make you feel sad, nor can you get the power of rebirth. Everything exists with the unfolding of life, crowned with various concepts and labels, buried in life, the two people in the marriage lack of listening, talking, experiencing, feeling, lack of attempts to enter each other's hearts and thinking, so there is no sweetness and excitement in love, but like the residue precipitated in the juicer, and the most helpless two people feel that everything is taken for granted.

She also remembered that in the front yard of Tianlong Temple, it was a dry landscape paved with white fine sand and stone, and a pine tree was standing on the right side of the dry landscape atrium, and the white fine sand stone shone in the sun. There is no flow of water, but the eyes are full of water marks, and the silence and depth of the water are revealed in every inch of this pile of gravel. It's an art, it's a philosophy, it's a zen. It is said that what the heart holds, you can see what you can see when you look at the dry landscape, those who carry the mountains see the mountains, those who carry the sea see the sea, those who carry the islands see the islands, and those who cherish the universe see the universe.

She is not a person of faith, nor is she so high realm, the gravel landscape is still a gravel landscape in her eyes, but there is a haunting hazy breath slowly warming her heart, as if a clean and pure embrace, she can feel protected. She knew that in her heart, she could find Zen everywhere. She herself, hovering between darkness and light, gray shadows like shadows, always on guard against being engulfed by darkness, but repelling the fierce daylight. She did not think that there was anything good about the light, but that a place that was too bright was easy to breed evil. They take it for granted, and who knows if it will be another kind of ethics that kidnaps selfishness? Man, most of the time, is just a hypocritical animal who is always looking for excuses for himself.

The Shrine in the Japanese home written by Junichiro Tanizaki must be enshrined in the light, and the light is not a bright hall full of houses, but a window is opened in the dark room, where the light gathers, because of the dark contrast, which sets off the infinite light at the shrine. Such a design is only thought of in the mind, and it is also considered beautiful. The bright place is full of brilliance, the dark place is deep and mysterious, and the time and shade are wandering in this intersection of light and darkness, probably so that you can leisurely see the place where time passes can be called home.

So the kind of thing like having you at home is something she never believed. Even though she had said something similar before, even she felt that it was just a joke to a child.

The place of peace of mind is the home, whether it is a person or a thing that allows them to feel at ease, it can be called home.

She was not a peaceful person, and her mother said the same thing to her husband, and she had many strange feelings and thoughts since she was a child, even to me, she was an ostracized and dependent child. You thought she was going to rely on you, and the next second she turned and left. You think she's strong, and the next moment she's crying in your arms. Maybe she will not be a gentle wife, you have to learn to understand her, you will find that she is not so unreasonable, her obedience is just to meet the needs of the people around us, if she can be free, no matter what she does, I will not be surprised. In fact, she herself is the kind of interesting person she is looking for.

Mother's words pierced her. He also relieved her husband, who no longer had to worry about not being able to tame her, because he and she were not born on the same chessboard, never to be opponents, let alone tamed. So when he came back after seeing her mother, he said to her, have a child with me, and I will love you in my own way. If you don't want to, then let's separate, I'll get out of the house, and you and I don't have to be related anymore.

She looked at her husband calmly and saw the twinkle in his eyes as he said this. It had been a long, long time since I had seen the light in his eyes, and for a long, long time I had not heard him express his demands so clearly.

She said, we have been entangled for a long time, I choose to completely let go or completely assume, and you have been as long as you can delay and pretend not to know, trying to get other compromises. Now, fate waits quietly, watching our tossing and turning, and finally all people and things force you to go to the predestined place. Better to separate, you when I was a nightmare for you.

Her husband took her hand and said softly, You know I can't live without you, and I am nothing without you. And you obviously still have feelings for me, why do you want to make such a decision.

She laughed because you forced it.

He bowed his head, contemplating. For a long time, looked up and said, I know it's my fault for so many years, but you can't say I didn't do it with any effort. I was just...... It just can't be done. Whether it's your hobbies or your mannerisms, I can't change myself. Later, you didn't ask me for anything, I felt relaxed, but I was afraid, afraid that you wouldn't like me like this.

She felt a little remorseful, if he hadn't met her, then maybe he wouldn't have such a thought, he was also a person with excellent efforts, and it was their incompatibility that made him feel such inferiority.

How can you give me a sense of security by being so worried. If we were to have children, I wouldn't want his father to be such an uncertain man. She fiddled with the teaser in the teacup and said lightly.

He looked up and smiled at her, so you promised to have a baby with me?

Looking at his face with childlike happiness made her cry and laugh.

Have a baby? She didn't think about it, she didn't think she would be a good mother. Nor did I ever feel like I could give my child anything.

But like all women, she looks forward to having a child, not knowing what a child means to her, only knowing that it is the inheritance of life that is a mission written in the genes.

There, he was having dinner with his family in Japan and wishing his wife a birthday.

She had long forgotten that he had said it was his wife's birthday. The next day, listening to her friend talk about the state of his circle of friends, she went over to take a look and saw the sincere words he wrote, she hesitated for a long time, or did not praise generously, and silently closed the circle of friends.

Is it jealousy? Is it relief? Is it a blessing? It seems that there are all of them, and there seems to be none.

I only know that for a moment, the five tastes are mixed, and after a sigh, only the clouds are light and the wind is light.

It was a world that had nothing to do with her, a world she shouldn't have been, a world that would be more perfect without her.

Presumably, this is called guilt. There was no way she could be a complete bad person.

In the Kamogawa River in Osaka that year, a sudden strong wind blew over the cherry blossoms on the shore, and the pink snow flew like snow, falling into the river and drifting away.

After he sent a message, she always didn't know how to respond.

Once witty, cunning, humorous, and erotic were all pressed by that clearly visible line, and did not dare to be arrogant, did not dare to sink.

Watching him spend his years quietly on the shores of Lake Biwa, playing with the children, getting along with his friends, still being able to imagine the way he talked, laughed, relaxed, or liked him so much, but the sense of contradiction that had never appeared before clearly stung her.

Suddenly doubting himself, afraid that this feeling in his eyes, after all, is just a wind and moon, scattered and scattered, no weight.

This panic made her finally understand that this feeling for her had already exceeded the weight she thought. This is not good, she said to herself, so that kind of panic can only be left to herself to consume, unable to find the other party to verify, let alone talk to others to share. Once the water is deep, it cannot make a sound, and once the feelings are deep, they will be thin. So she thought that his feelings for his family actually exceeded the weight he thought. And when I think of this, it's like a glass of ice water in the mouth, all the way down.

In the final analysis, it is only when you have desires that you have these many thoughts of gain and loss.

The second trip to Osaka Kyoto, she also lived on the shore of Lake Biwa, that far away from the countryside, along the lake in the Japanese-style villa, one day in the early morning in the empty room woke up, saw the dark blue sky outside the window, from the university began to happen all kinds of things from the eyes of the dangling, time is not long, but feel that their body because of the trekking mountains and waters and the mountains and rivers, because of the cold and warm and experience the vicissitudes, the body is adult, the heart is old in advance.

In the Japanese-style hut next door, the landlord's two mixed-race children are running and frolicking in the yard, and she walks barefoot to the balcony, and the Lake in April is still cool. The snow-capped mountains were under the blue sky, and her pale and powerful body pressed against the lake, and she felt that she could grow old here and not ask about the world.

She asked her grandfather if he liked it.

He said that the scenery is good, but it is a little off.

My grandmother said that this Japanese environment is really good.

In the blink of an eye, this year, my grandfather opened a knife because of lung cancer, was hospitalized, and things were uncertain, and I didn't know if I could take advantage of the same trip as before.

She still remembers that at that time, in order to eat a bowl of noodles, a group of people rode uphill and downhill on the bicycle provided by the landlord, through the village, to the side of the road to find two places to eat, and when they came back, they went to the convenience store to buy milk bread for breakfast.

She remembered it vividly, a wide uphill road, flanked by fields, stretching at the end of dusk, the sky darkening, a quiet deep blue shrouded in only the sign of the Lawson convenience store at the end of the road lit. A group of people, young and old, could not ride uphill, pushing bicycles, reminding each other to be careful of the edge of the road, do not fall into the field, while laughing and walking to the convenience store. Nothing extra to buy, just simple bread, milk, a cabbage, a bottle of salad dressing, a small piece of butter, a tomato. When I came out, it was completely dark, and the village street lamp could only illuminate a small area under the street lamp, there were no vehicles, and there was silence all around. We just got out, hung the things we bought on the faucet, pushed the car downhill, and rode back down the road that we vaguely remembered.

Because there is no one and no car, when we go back, everyone rides freely and freely, and asks each other how to go? Go straight? Halfway through, a buddy's bicycle dropped off the chain, and my grandfather stopped to help put on the hinge and then move on. When I got home, I got lost again, I couldn't hear the voice of my little friend when I turned a corner, I looked at no one on the left with my grandfather, and there was no one on the right, I was a little flustered, and I didn't know what to do for a while. My grandfather muttered that it should be right, I remember the sign, but no one responded to how to shout. It was as if two people had walked into a time wormhole, and she herself was a road fool, not to mention that in such a country place, every road looked the same, and every house looked the same in the dark. My grandfather was also a little anxious and said we would look for it again. So the two men followed the sound of the water of Lake Biwa to look for it, and suddenly there was a shouting sound behind them, and it turned out that the companions who had walked far away found that someone had fallen behind, so they turned back to look for it.

The road is right, but suddenly in the dark night something familiar is lost, and self-doubt arises, and he is blindfolded by himself without knowing it.

Before going to bed that night, she stood in front of the window on the second floor and looked at the quiet lake not far away, the moonlight was shining, the lake was brilliant, and a huge water bird flew from nowhere, and in the blink of an eye it flew into the depths of the night.

It was one of her most complete trips to Japan. Because most of them are self-reliant, without the guidance of a tour guide, without the help of Japanese friends, let yourself live in a strange country like a Japanese for a few days, as if you have completed an adventure alone and gained a lot of experience.

It's a pity that such an adventure has family, friends, but no men.

Would love to go there again.

Lake Biwa under the snow-capped mountains, sitting on the beach by the lake, watching the snow-capped lakes, the nature is diverse. The beauty of nature has always been rich and dignified, she is a person who will have the urge to cry in the face of natural beauty, she has been waiting for someone who can see the scenery with her to appear. The clear wind and moon in the world are like a silent sign. It says, the world is empty, and you are always at the bottom. Humble yourself, and all emotions return to peace. And all the departures will become returns, thinking about everything since I met him, I finally understand, I love you, this is my disaster.

He sent deer from Nara, japanese wagyu beef, and a street scene he took.

She slowly packed up the fragments of thoughts, hesitations, wanderings, jealousies, and sorrows, placed them in the black and white keys, in the clean world of music. Lighten your own weight and see yourself infinitely shrunk into an insignificant dust-like particle, and the breeze blows without a trace.

Fifteen days later, they met again, at a Japanese food store in the sea market.

She insisted on talking only about work, and with her boss, they quickly discussed some of the work that was currently piled up.

She saw his face through the dim light, still that kind of application, still that kind of action, still that kind of look, and nothing had changed.

But suddenly a strange feeling came out, as if there was a thin layer of ice between him and him, and he did not dare to perch close.

Joy in the heart, but a heart of restraint.

After separating, she threw her tail at the loss of the monster she missed, causing her heart to hurt. Inevitably, he complained about him again, is he a fool, saying that only talking about work is really talking about work? What a stupid piece of wood! When his heart was angry and anxious, he snorted, and the Japanese boss who was traveling with her looked at her with a dark cloud and thought that the topic he was talking about was too boring, so he immediately closed his mouth and pretended to be sleepy and took a nap.

The second time they met after his return, they had a meeting, they had an appointment for dinner, and she sat in the co-pilot's seat, nervous and nervous.

She was helpless to face his thin ice bundle, did not dare to perch close, but she was eager to try, but she stopped at restraint, and kept repeatedly tempting on the edge, but she was always out of order, and could only cover up her inner panic with one topic after another. Until he bumped it with his elbow, smiled and touched you. She finally felt that the thin layer of ice had dissolved into a mist of water.

Flicking his fingers, she was like a lost cat back to her owner, not quite sure if the man in front of her was her master, sniffing a little, touching a little, looking for the familiar feeling. Sometimes familiar, sometimes unfamiliar.

Treating people who are close but cannot be close for a long time is to always maintain a sense of distance and helpless to themselves.

He said if I was a few more months abroad, didn't you recognize me?

She touched her nose and didn't say anything. Maybe you stay abroad for a few more months, and when we come back, will we be able to see each other as usual? I hope we can, she looked at the sky, the low white clouds drifted by, and thought to her cheeks, do you know, I have always thought that if there is an afterlife, I hope you will not become a tree, still covet this mortal dust, can wait for me. I want to live like you in a town like Lake Biwa, walking through the village in the morning to the market to buy vegetables and fruits, cook and clean. Go out to work together and return hand in hand in the evening. Drink and chat in the garden with flowers and trees at night until the moon is cool. You put on a coat for me, I comb your hair and beat your back. Empty valley, crisp birds, we can sleep together tired under the trees, I am still young, you are not old.

Such a secret wish is carefully thought about every time it is touched.

His fingers scraped her nose like a harp again, and she frowned and pinched her nose to say that it was really going to be scraped off.

As he hugged her again, she felt his slightly cold skin. It was like a gushing stream of water from a clear spring, and with a clanging sound, it struck the atrium of her heart. Perhaps because he had been in Japan for a long time, his embrace made her mind rise with the sight of lakes, mountains, monasteries, and blue skies.

The familiar smell of Japan came over her and slowly enveloped her. But smelling it on him made her feel strange and a little uneasy.

His kiss was also a little cold, and the softness of his lips gently clasped her heartstrings. It was really a long, long time since I had hugged him and kissed him, and it felt a little distorted, not like the real touch. She was still a little frightened, like a frightened little beast, and did not dare to let go of her hands and feet to wrap around him.

The thoughts in my heart are so great that I may not express even one in ten thousand. Always competing somewhere, awkward, strange. Probably still angry in his heart, angry that he had been gone for so long, and he knew that he was unreasonable to make trouble, but there was nothing he could do with himself.

Thinking of this, I gambled and kissed him.

The shells of teeth overlapped, the lips were intertwined, she rode on him, touched his stubble, looked at his face with his glasses removed, and finally found the previous memory, as if playing a game of pressing Tu Suoji, finding a clue to move forward a little, and then finding the next clue, so slowly looking, groping, to restore his original appearance. Her body regularly rhythmic with the rolling tide in her body, and she could feel his presence in the core of her body, boiling hot and hot, with a deep and shallow rhythm. He hadn't felt his body for a long time, and the long-lost intimacy made her body tremble. His hands kneaded her hips, each thrust as if to inject an electric current into her body stimulated her long-thirsty nerves. This most secret contact is the real weapon for melting the ice. The secret garden was open for him, and brilliant, rich, and full. The body could not lie, all her thoughts were cut off by this rapid current, the wandering, the pity, the jealousy, the doubt in the days of his absence, there was finally nowhere to hide, and his entry was still so domineering and arbitrary, the powerful impact disintegrated her will and body.

The delicacy and depth of human beings can only be borne by those who meet the peers.

She felt herself dripping with sweat, and in the rising pleasure, she lifted her head, the ceiling was blank, and looked down, and she saw his face, his eyes, and in the turbulent world, only the time between the two of them was like a small cluster of warm flames, there was intention, and there was nostalgia in the heart. He kept hitting her body, and because of this pleasure came a sound from the depths of her throat, as if it were an invitation, to come, to see this beautiful and fragile world, whenever everything was, if there was waiting, there was a departure. She lifted her upper body and hugged his body tightly, feeling a blood-red lotus blooming in her body, sweating, and he hugged her tightly, jumping down the cliff, and each other exhausted their strength.

And with joy, and with eternity.