In the face of the misbehaving of adolescent children, I was anxious and powerless

The Paper's reporter Yin Lin

Horse owners know that it is difficult to drink water on the head of a horse, but we can take the horse to a place where there is water. So, you have to think about one thing, as a mother, what can you do within your power?

Although many parents do not believe in evil, adolescence will certainly make them feel powerless. (Stills from "Near Fame")

issue:

I have a 12-year-old daughter, very smart, the academic performance used to be good, and now in the sixth grade, it is getting more and more regressive. All day long is to brush vibrato, shopping Taobao. When I took care of her, she either ignored me or scolded me, and if I was very determined and tough, she would pretend to be obedient, but I could feel the anger in her heart. Sometimes, I really get so angry that I want to give up, but after all, it is my own child, how can I give up, with her like this?

I worry that she will have poor grades in the future, lack the ability to learn and good habits, and be unconfident and unplanned in doing things. I was thinking that before she turned 18, I would have to take care of her a little more, teach a little more, and help her become a talent. However, the more I thought about it, the worse my temper became, and I wanted to scold her at every turn, and our relationship deteriorated. How do I adjust?

Reply:

In the process of growing up, children have more and more ideas of their own, but they have not really understood the truth of life, do not know what is worth investing energy, what should be cherished, and what needs to be rejected. At this time, responsible parents will definitely be anxious and hope to share their experience and lessons with their children, but children are often unwilling to listen, and contradictions will appear.

I think you must have experienced feelings of anxiety and powerlessness in the process, which also partly explains why your temper is getting worse and worse and you always want to scold her.

I think of a movie called "Near Fame", which tells the story of a 16-year-old boy who leaves his mother and travels around as a journalist with a rock band and completes his famous work. The boy has an equally anxious and powerless mother, a college teacher who is very worried that the rock band will ruin her own children. She will ask the child to call herself regularly, tell the child not to take drugs, and also because she is in a hurry to threaten the people who dare to bring her own child, she will never give up.

The audience may wonder if the mother is too nervous, but that's how the mother is. She knows the power of temptation, she is afraid that the child will get lost in it, she works very hard to do everything, but she has to admit: in the process of the child's growth, she has become powerless to dominate, she can only become a distant background, trying to speak: Mom is here, Mom wants you to be good, don't do anything wrong.

I think, as a mother, you are also in this process. This process, which is full of anxiety and powerlessness, is the reality itself, brought about by the growth of the child, and it is something that you need to admit, just like admitting that we will grow old.

So, how do we deal with our anxiety and weakness? I think reducing the difficulty of the goal is one way to do it.

I guess you must have your own planning and design for your child's growth, and you also want to play an important role in your child's growth, such as through your management, to let your child change her faults and shortcomings, or to help her develop good habits. But unless she wants to ask you for help, she wants to change herself, it is very difficult for you to complete such a task, so difficult that you will definitely feel powerless.

We must admit that there are many things that we want to do but can't do when it comes to educating children.

Horse owners know that it is very difficult to drink water on the head of the horse, but what we can do is to take the horse to the place where there is water. So, you need to think about one thing, as a mother, what can you do within your power?

One small piece of advice is to clearly express in your own actions and words the values and abilities that your family really values, as well as the ideas and ways of doing things that you want your children to pass on.

Subtly, you will definitely plant some seeds in the heart of the child. One day, when the child needs it, these seeds will sprout, because she has seen and felt with her own eyes how her mother treats people, how her mother handles her studies and work.

By the way, I forgot to tell you, the end of the film – her child did not disappoint her, leaving her mother alone to explore and experience, he grew into a mature journalist, did not lose his original heart, and also learned to accept himself.

As long as the mother's protection and demonstration are there, the child will grow up at his own pace.

About the Author:

Yin Lin

National second-level psychological counselor, master's degree in developmental psychology, mother of two children, believes that "behind the pain is strength".

You can write a letter of confusion and pain to your mailbox [email protected], 200 words or more, describing one or two of the points that bother you the most, the more specific the better.

Editor-in-Charge: Li Shuping

Proofreader: Ding Xiao