Lovers don't get angry, it's scary

Text | Wu Dada

Two people have been together for a long time, and it is inevitable that they will encounter problems.

For example, some people think that the other half is too willful, angry at every turn, about to break up at every turn, and to coax their heads to be big.

Others feel that the other half is too cold, and they will not speak for a lifetime, and then there will be a long period of cold violence, which makes people suffer.

In the face of these problems, the first reaction of the vast majority of people is:

What can be done to get the other party to change such a problem?

In fact, when a person runs to a psychological counselor to ask for answers, on the one hand, it shows that he is really distressed, on the other hand, it also means that he has tried various methods but it is not good, and he feels completely helpless.

So, why are some people so stubborn about some things?

To find the answer to the question, we can think about it in reverse:

What happens if the other person really changes this problem?

For ourselves, of course, this is a good thing, and the trouble is cleared. But what does this mean for the other side?

The answer is a bit scary: it could mean a breakdown of the ego.

For example, in the case of cold violence, the reason why a person chooses the Cold War is because he will not quarrel, quarrel with others, so he retreats to it and expresses his anger in a non-quarrelous and non-communicative way.

The main purpose of its use is to counter your verbal violence. In this way, you are hot and violent, I am cold and violent, although everyone hurts each other, they are also evenly matched, and no one has suffered too much loss, in a sense, a balance has been achieved.

But if we deprive each other of the cold war skills, things are terrible.

This means that every time two people quarrel, he can neither argue with you, because the quarrel cannot be done, nor can he leave and choose to escape, because fleeing is cold violence, and the only option left is to stand there stupidly without any defense and let you crush.

Such an asymmetrical form of quarrel will destroy the other person's ego. It won't be long before the relationship between two people will lead to two endings:

One is that the other party can't stand it, completely withdraws, and the relationship goes to death.

The other is the other person's emasculation of the self, humbly continuing to be with you, and the two people moving towards a deformed symbiotic relationship of abuse and abuse.

Obviously, whatever the ending, it's not what you really want.

Therefore, anger is everyone's natural right, you can be angry, people can also be angry, angry before everyone is equal.

If you really can't stand the cold violence of the other party, you can leave this person and find someone who has the same direct words and direct quarrels as you to live with, so that when you encounter problems and conflicts, everyone can argue freely and be very happy.

And if you feel that the other party is not so incurable, and you still want to live with the other party, you need to put down some unrealistic expectations and not force the other party to change the problem of not talking for a lifetime.

Of course, this does not mean that we must always endure the cold violence of the other party in the future, if we have patience and perseverance, we still have many ways to make the other party less cold.

For example, you can reduce the number of times you take the initiative to get angry, and try to communicate and communicate in a calm way when you encounter problems. You and the wind and rain, there is no aggression, the other party naturally has no reason to defend and escape.

Of course, as we just said, it is absolutely impossible not to be angry, a person living alone will also be angry with themselves, and others say that two different people have been together for so many years, there will always be contradictions and conflicts, so anger and quarrels are inevitable.

But you can guide the other person and make the other person as angry at you as much as possible in a way that you can accept.

For example, you can tell the other party: When I scold you and say that you are incompetent and say that you are stupid, you must not instigate, but stand up and scold me. For love, please shoot at me.

For example, you can communicate with the other party: it is okay not to talk when you are angry, but we have to discuss how long it should be not angry, one day, or three days? Try to be short, long words are too painful.

Through guidance like this, you can also soften the other party, and finally let each other find their own comfortable way to express their conflicts.

In addition to cold violence, many problems in feelings can be handled with this idea.

Behind every problem, there is a need, a need for self-protection, a need for aggression, a need for security, and so on.

Needs are immortal and always exist, so if you don't like a certain way for the other party to express your needs, you must find a way to find an alternative solution and let the other party express it in a way that you can accept, which is the best way to solve the problem.

The secret of long-term feelings is nothing more than two, either getting along without tiredness and being very comfortable; or being evenly matched and balanced.