Author | Tao Ruosu
Imagine that a girl, who became the director of a film and television company at a young age, has the power to "live and kill" people, and has made outstanding contributions to the company, then she must be like this: her sister is the queen, and she shines with confidence.
But hearing her say that she has low self-esteem, will you believe it?
At the end of the hit drama "Love Is Delicious", Xia Meng, the head of the company played by Wang Ju, was impressive.
You see, she is obviously so good, but she is the representative of the inferiority of the hard-working girl.
When I was in school, my classmate Fang Xin was gentle and beautiful, and Liu Jing was funny and humorous, but what about her?
When the classmates talked about her, they always tried to recall, and finally made a perfunctory sentence: she studied well.
Although she was stinged, studying well became her only strength.
In order to firmly grasp this advantage, she became a bully, a workaholic, and struggled all the way to become a company executive.
It is reasonable to say that her path of advancement is the most qualified and confident, but she is the most inferior.
She is better than the good, and she is also defeated by the good.
Excellence is not confidence for her, but pressure.
There are many "summer dreams" in this world, they are aggressive, but full of frustration. They know success, but they hide their achievements.
As an adult, having experienced society for a long time, it is easy to understand: excellent and beautiful girls abound, and there are few confident and brave girls.
Growing girls, under cultural, social and environmental constraints, are being discriminated against, defined, labeled, and guided, killing their self-confidence.
As parents, the "difference between men and women" that we unconsciously instill is also subtly influencing gender stereotypes.
Girls grow up in a dogmatic framework, and the more they are bound, the less confident they are.
Having and raising girls, we want their lives to be fearless and we can do these 3 things for our children.
The true self is not swayed by gender, but only driven by potential
In the BBC documentary "There Is No Longer a Difference Between Men and Women," the researchers conducted an experiment to prove "whether gender differences really exist."
Play tetris for baby girls, and play with dolls that girls like.
After three consecutive months, everyone was surprised to find that the baby girl who played Tetris had a sense of space that was no worse than that of boys, and boys could also take care of the dolls with delicate thoughts.
This shows that there is little difference in innate ability between men and women.
What really changes the brain structure of men and women is our intentional or unintentional intervention.
Always playing with the beads to the boy, his logical ability is activated, it seems that the boy's logic is better.
Always let the boy be a man, he is not arrogant in his growth, it seems that the boy's personality is more resolute.
All this has nothing to do with the differences between men and women, but with the ability of parents to cultivate their children.
If girls can only do "girl's things", many of their potentials are doomed to be buried.
Wang Yaping, China's first female astronaut to perform a warehouse mission, talked about her 21-year-old in "Challenge Bar Space", going to Chongqing to perform artificial rain increase missions, and in extremely bad weather, she not only completed the task well, but also gained a great sense of achievement.
From pilot to astronaut, flying from the sky to the universe, even if he gets married and has children, Wang Yaping has no comfort zone and is not tied up by female characters.
She saw the vast universe for thousands of women, and also saw the possibilities of life for the majority of women.
This possibility is to first cross the gender and then speak with ability.
I agree with her saying that dreams are like stars in the universe, seemingly out of reach, but as long as you work hard, you will be able to touch them.
As a parent, if you want your child to make a difference, don't be gender bound to her.
Like boys, girls can know how good they can be.
True to our hearts, rather than to our gender, the more we set no limits on girls, the more they have no limits in life.
Real effort is not to fear failure, but to challenge failure
In "Growing Up with You", the girl Crescent Moon is a proper child of someone else's family, who can read poetry in French, play the piano, and dance.
But she is not happy, living every day in fear of being dominated by her father's demand to "have to be first".
As a result, her state is getting worse and worse, and her grades are getting less and less satisfactory.
For her, hard work is a burden, not for better grades, but for grades to be removed.
This is related to the high requirements of parents, but also related to the child's endurance.
But children work the wrong path for a long time, and in the face of difficulties or challenges, they become negative: as if no matter how hard I try, I may fail.
Actor Qiao Xin's early years were compared with other "Ode to Joy" four beauty, some inferiority, restraint.
Teacher Liu Tianchi once told a story, which showed that her state was related to her mentality.
Teacher Liu once let her save the scene temporarily, because of the role she was going to play, the character and her actual gap was huge, Teacher Song Dandan also played, and Qiao Xin's pressure was particularly large.
On the one hand, she constantly stressed to the teacher, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I may not be able to do it", and on the other hand, she secretly tried until the performance was successful, and she was relieved.
There are so many girls like Joshin who see effort as a fear of failure rather than a desire to succeed.
The more this happens, the less enthusiastic the girl is for success, and it is easier to fall into the frustration of failure, gradually giving up challenges and risks.
As a parent, if you want your child to be confident, first reflect on whether you are asking too much of her.
Second, help children get out of the "negative thinking" circle.
Exercise psychologists have used "motion imaging" methods to enhance athletes' self-confidence.
Simply put, it is to let athletes fantasize about what will happen and feel after failure and success.
The same is true of the girl, when she feels the scene after the failure in advance, the failure is not unknown to her.
She knew the fear in her heart, and in fact found a way to crack it.
In general, the premise of success is to overcome the fear of failure.
Because the confidence that the girl cannot cross is never an opponent, but a mountain in her heart.
The real growth is not that I could have been, but that I could have been
I don't know if everyone has this kind of thought, just like the voice of this netizen who knows it.
It's like one wrong step, one wrong step.
Didn't stick to the hobby, regret it. Failed the college entrance examination, the university and major were not ideal, and despaired. It's time to be playful when it's time to work, and now nothing has been achieved.
Looking back, it seems that the first step was good, or the last step was right, and everything was under control.
Is this really the case?
What the other side of the incident is, we actually have no way of knowing, and there is nothing we can do.
Always indulging in it, we get stuck in a cycle of "I could have been" assumptions. In this state of "hindsight", it seems that we have regained control, but actual life is not getting better.
Unlike boys, girls are more likely to suffer.
Some girls will say:
If I had been gentler, my boyfriend wouldn't have left me;
If I had been smarter, my mom would have liked me;
If I had been thinner, my classmates would have accepted me.
The hypothetical answer, perhaps, is correct. But for life, it is not by thinking, but by action.
In October of this year, the story of a girl is worth thinking about.
Liu Shuxian, a post-95 girl, majored in electronic information engineering, and did not choose this major after graduation.
Because she could only raise her salary after two or three years, she chose to go into business and make money faster.
After selling barbecues at the school gate and earning her first pot of gold, she decided to open a restaurant.
But after the restaurant opened, the income and expenditure gradually became unbalanced, not only losing money, but also debt of 200,000.
In the face of this blow, the average person will think, I honestly went to work, and I have achieved results in a few years, which is not stronger than the current debt.
Even if you don't go to work and continue to set up stalls at the school gate, you will still make a steady profit.
And her?
There is no self-hatred and self-pity, and immediately put into the debt repayment state of "running takeaway during the day, washing the car at night, and driving on behalf of the driver".
Every day the wind and sun were blowing, and her face and limbs were dark. In the heat of the heat, sweating profusely, she did not regret or cry tired.
Everyone's life will always have a few steps, not satisfactory. And isn't the real growth just about correcting in failure and moving forward in frustration?
Having a girl and longing for her self-confidence, let her accept reality and find a replacement plan in reality, rather than sinking in regret.
Because the answer to life is not in the heart, but under the feet.
The book "Language that Makes Children Happy" says: Unfounded self-confidence is stronger than well-founded self-confidence.
Deeply.
Society always emphasizes that girls should be excellent and excellent to be confident.
But we have thought about it, excellent or not, what profession to choose, what kind of woman to become, itself is a kind of demanding.
On the one hand, girls get anxious that if I don't meet the standards, I don't deserve to be loved. On the other hand, girls worry that if someone else is better than me, I don't deserve to be loved.
Self-confidence with evidence can easily disappear.
And what about unfounded confidence?
No armor, no need to say more, no need for education, wealth, status proof, girls feel that they are very good, very worthy of love.
Self-confidence is like a child's belief, rooted in her heart, walking the road of life, several storms, they have never doubted themselves, and they will not give up on themselves.
As a parent, please plant this seed for the girl and say to her, "You're fine that way."
Only when parents are unconditionally encouraged, children's self-confidence will grow stronger.
Because she can always trust herself.
Anyway, she did everything very well.
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Author: Tao Ruosu, a SOHO mother who loves to read, psychological counselor. I firmly believe that "Dad is the pillar of the family, and Mom is the spiritual fortress of the family". Share parenting, marriage and family, and grow. Some of the pictures are from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.